MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

Wow. So he’s begrudgingly going to make a plan where he does nothing still and you do a round trip out of your way? To see his own mum? Have you told him his attitude is putting him on thin ice? Your job matters, your life and your time matters, it’s his mum and he’s made no suggestions at all for what he can do. I hope at the very least he’s responsible for dinner the nights you do a round trip. Delicious, healthy, waiting on the table please.

Then when you get in he takes over for bedtime and you eat.

Though I get that it will ruin your cushty breakfasts, I don't really see as a one off in the week that it's so invasive tbh. If you spoke to her and said you'd drop off at 830 you'd still get to work for 9am. Or if really concerned about the work start time drop off at 8am and be at work for 830 still, it is only a 730 start once a week.
What time does oh leave the house? Surely that day he can get lo ready?

Yanbu. My mil made a big thing of wanting ds for 1 day a week. It was a pain driving 20 mins to her house. She failed to mention she had actually put her house up for sale and was moving an hour away. We were stuck as the space at ds nursery was taken!

Why on earth isn't your DH going to collect DD from MILs?

Is his Man Job too important?

Fuck that. I agree with the PP who said that he has you well trained.

You say your DH is lovely but clueless and helpful when guided, that doesn’t sound very attractive to me. That aside, you say he doesn’t understand having to balance working with childcare and with this latest afternoon for his mother he still won’t. It will be you leaving work in a rush, you navigating the traffic, you dealing with a tired and grumpy daughter not wanting to leave granny’s, you being pressed to stay for a cup of tea whilst eyeing the clock to rush home to cook and do bedtime. He won’t see any of that.

Have you asked him to take your daughter to his mother’s occasionally by himself at weekends so he gets to experience logistics like this albeit without the time constraints? He’s not being put out at all and it’s all done at your expense.

I’m really glad to see you’re not giving up your one day alone with her. Please don’t back down on that.

Not sure why you’re not able to tell her it needs to work for you. 9am doesn’t work for you, so she either has her from 8 or it doesn’t work. She’s not working, you both are, she needs to work around you

If MIL picks up DD from nursery, then why isn't DH picking her up? Why are you letting them inconvenience yourself? Ask him why he can't manage his own suggestion ffs. Ridiculous.

Lazy husband aside , I wouldn't do it.
My mum wanted ds every weds, but she would turn up late and drop.him back early ( because we wfh) , sometimes she'd be unwell or on holiday.
She meant well but in the end he did full time nursery .
Not worth the inconvenience tbh

What’s wrong with having “cushty” breakfasts? Ops done really well to have her life so well organised and strike a good work life balance but now she’s expected to have a stressful day once a week because her dh hasn’t considered his wife’s needs?.

Sod that.

His mums already had her turn parenting. I saw my gp two or three times a year when I was little and we were still close.

If dh wants this he adjusts his hours and commute to suit his mother's request.

@DipSwimSwoosh

Couldn't you just have breakfast with dd and then drop her at nursery and make up your time really easily in the mornings? I can't see how that equates to £2k worth of stress.

Nursery provide breakfast and open at 8am so the routine is currently get up, DD has a cup of milk with a biscuit while I get ready, then i get her ready and we leave.

That's kind of my AIBU. I can make it work, I could sacrifice my 20minutes pre work chill and squeeze in a bowl of cereal while she has her milk. But I don't want to give that up every single morning.

Having down nursery and school run mornings whilst working I wouldn't give up your chilled mornings.

If DH is so desperate to appease MIL he needs to enable their relationship without involving you sacrificing what works for you and DD.

MIL could pick DD up from nursery and DH could collect from MIL on his way home and he can deal with getting a tired DD to bed whilst he is feeling frazzled from the commute home.

He doesn't do the nursery run so he doesn't have any idea the impact of what he's suggesting is for you. He has it so easy, just does his job and and commute like he always has.

Perhaps he could work a 9 day fortnight and have a Daddy Daughter and Mum day?

I really still don’t understand why you can’t take it up with your MIL, yes your DH probably caused the issue but you are the one that needs it solved , so you ask him to solve it and then if he doesn’t you do.

@RandomMess

MIL could pick DD up from nursery and DH could collect from MIL on his way home and he can deal with getting a tired DD to bed whilst he is feeling frazzled from the commute home.

He doesn't do the nursery run so he doesn't have any idea the impact of what he's suggesting is for you. He has it so easy, just does his job and and commute like he always has.

Perhaps he could work a 9 day fortnight and have a Daddy Daughter and Mum day?

This! The 9 day fortnight is a good idea.

I don't get why you're engaging beyond, "Honey if you want to accommodate your mother and change our daughter's schedule to do so, you accommodate your mother by working out the logistics and being the parent that does all the running for it. Let me know what you decide to do."

My issue with the picking up at 5.30 is that my 2yo would fall asleep on the 30 minute drive home and royally fuck up bed time.
If your DD will stay awake I think it'd a good compliment but it still sucks that its you doing all the leg work.
I really hope he didn't say yes already without discussing it as that would really piss me off (my DH has done similar with his family before and I normally refuse if he didn't ask me first).

I pressume OP that SIL is you mother Laws daughter.
So of course she wants to see her mum on her day off.

MIL is not your mother - she is your husbands

This type of guilt tripping happens here in our family. So I have pulled away completely due to the unfairness of it.
Your day off is for you and your daughter not so your husband can earn brownie points from mum and get off Scott free.

Your DH has no idea of the extra stress as he has role in dropping up or picking up his child. He'll never get it.

Why can't he negotiate a later morning one day? He has a child and responsibilities. If you were divorced he'd have to step up to the plate. I'm not suggesting for a moment you should😊

I bet he won't ask because kids are women's work. It must be exhausting doing both ends of the day, most parents, one does the morning and goes in later, then the other parent gets to work earlier and leaves earlier.
You have a long haul of drop off and pick up from now until your child is at secondary.

Can this be addressed?

And everything @Billy1966 said!

Breakfast at nursery is so much easier than breakfast at home, far more than you’d imagine. I changed from a nursery that did breakfast to one that didn’t when I moved house and it was so much hassle!

It’s already so hard being a working mum who is also the ‘default parent’. You’ve got a set up which works really well for you. Don’t mess it up for something that doesn’t benefit you or your dd. I think your MIL is being pretty particular about how her childcare offering is going to work, you don’t need it and it’s not helpful!

I can make it work, I could sacrifice my 20minutes pre work chill and squeeze in a bowl of cereal while she has her milk. But I don't want to give that up every single morning.

If you agree, then your MIL gets what she wants, your DH is happy that he’s facilitated it (whilst doing fuck al himself!) and you will annoyed and put out every single week!

Don’t ‘make it work’. Why should you?

Quite, you have to be organised to work full time with a toddler and you have got that organisation off to a tee. You have the advantage of a short commute which helps no end. OTOH, your DH has changed nothing, organised nothing; he works in exactly the same as before you had a child, taking it for granted you’ll pick up the slack. He’s not had to think about it at all.

The only thing I would agree to is MIL picks up DD from nursery one afternoon per week. Takes her out somewhere local to you and brings her back to your house for the rest of the afternoon.

So you are going to give in to letting your mil have dd one afternoon a week to placate her? I honestly think you are mad. You have a perfectly working childcare situation as it stands. Mil needs to realise that she doesn't always get what she wants. And your Dh needs to cop the fuck on and stop pandering to her. This new arrangement for afternoons will still affect you as your mil lives further away so you are still being put out by the journey to collect dd - all to keep mil happy. Why can you not just say a firm no and have mil visit or ye visit her when it suits all parties, not just mil?