MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

Yanbu. Perhaps suggest MIL picks her from nursery and has her for one afternoon a week instead.

This is a great idea. You don’t have to change your hours and maybe she’ll hold onto her until you’re back as it’s a shorter time and you aren’t affected in anyway.

OP has already suggested this to DH, he has complained that it means MIL has to work around OP.

Child care should be in your convenience and favour, unless you are asking your mil to do it for you. So, in this arrangement, I would definitely say no, unless she can make arrangement that benefit you rather than your working life harder.

DH takes her to grandma's on a Saturday or Sunday morning while you have time to yourself.

Yanbu.

I would let mil know you can't get to work on time if you drop her off at 9am. She is welcome to collect her from nursery and keep her for an afternoon when it suits her if she would like.

I don't think it is saying "you can have her as long as you work around us" I think it is finding an option that works for everyone.

Another option is Daddy takes dd and mil to a park or for a coffee/cake on a Sat morning when MIL is available.

Do not be adding to your work load and wasting you flexi to fit this in. It is too much (well it would be for me)

@bicbub

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Well, why should you fully work around her? If she wants to have DD for some time, she should fully work around you. Sorry, you don't need her for childcare, it's something she'd like to do to spend more time with her GC so she needs to figure it out.

Unless your husband is going to do all the running around and take the days off they are both being unreasonable. That day will leave you stressed all day.

@bicbub

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Er, she does have to work around to suit you! You have a routine and she is the one wanting to disrupt it and cause quite a lot of logistical annoyance. She either fits around you or she can't do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

We tackled the same issue by saying that GPs were welcome to take the DC out of nursery whenever they liked. It was worth more to us to keep the nursery place/routines that worked for us but let the GPs take them out wherever it suited. Strangely, they never did. Not sure why - they could see the DC as much as they liked, at times that worked them. But they never took us up on the offer.

It would be hard no from me unless your DH did the delivery'pick up/clean up on his mum's days and sacrificed his own holiday days on days she was ill/on holiday herself. You already do all the running and have are making it work. If he wants to change things to make his mummy happy, he'll have to change his own schedule to do so.

Your DH can help; there are options there. He just doesn't want to. He wants you to.

So it would be a no.

And I wouldn't give up my own day with her either to spend it all visiting her.

Stand firm.

Alternatively, I'd consider the occasional 'day off' from nursery if his mum wants to plan the occasional special days with her. Perhaps 1 or 2 times per month. But she would have to arrange for collection/returning of the child, as you're schedule cannot and will not change to accommodate it. That would be reasonable.

@PureAndEasy

We tackled the same issue by saying that GPs were welcome to take the DC out of nursery whenever they liked. It was worth more to us to keep the nursery place/routines that worked for us but let the GPs take them out wherever it suited. Strangely, they never did. Not sure why - they could see the DC as much as they liked, at times that worked them. But they never took us up on the offer.

This is exactly what I would do: offer her the 'special days' here and there and a day off from nursery if she plans it and does all the running to make it work. Bet she doesn't.

Well done dh for taking dd, before he goes to work.
You can't as you'll be late for work.

Classic example of wifework - this is being made into your problem when it absolutely is not.

Your job and your childcare is sorted.

If DH or MIL want to change that then THEY need to make arrangements that do not negatively impact you.

Why the fuck should you give up time on your non working day to visit MIL?! DH should do it on a weekend - it's his bloody mother, make him step up to the mark. Why should his need for "family time" come above yours.

My DM used to offer help in this way. At time and logistics that never really worked or entailed far too much hassle. I eventually realised that actually DM just felt really good about offering but she didn't actually want the reality of it herself. I did take her up on one of her offers once. However, DM ended up feeling resentful as she had to give up one of her social days and also found looking after my toddler DD far too much and I ended up getting annoyed at DM who would complain about it and/or constantly want to shift around the days in order to fit in her social arrangements. In the end I put my DD back in nursery. Far less aggravation.

Like @PureandEasy we did offer DM the option of taking DD out of nursery whenever she liked. It never ever was taken up.

MIL made a comment to DH about how SIL, who is a SAHM, brings the GC to see her every Monday. And it would be nice if i went to same effort. So DH asked if I could do this on the 'mummy day', I said no, I'm happy to do it occasionally but not every week.

Seconding and thirding and whatever all the suggestions that your DH take your DD to your MIL on either Saturday or Sunday, just as his sister does with her DC. He gets to see his lovely mum! DD sees grandma! Grandma sees DD! Everyone is happy!

...your DH isn't going to go for that, is he? Which tells you everything you need to know.

Gosh, working around childcare / nursery times is a great balancing act and require crazy logistics sometimes. I would not disturb something that's working brilliantly for anyone or anything! Unless of course they can meet the same conditions. The situation with your MIL would just make things harder for you rather than be helpful and whilst not knowing your relationship fully, I'd suggest it'd be something your DH sorts out, as he is the one keen for her to be involved. Maybe taking DD to see his DM on "Daddy day" rather than suggesting you do this on "Mummy day" ? Sorry if I missed something, I haven't RTFT

@Naunet

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him

Umm, well your DH comes across like ‘we both decided to have a baby, but you have to fully work it around me’.

Spot on.

She’s expecting you to shorten your working day at both ends which is never going to work. Even with flexible jobs you tend to start early / finish early or start late/ finish late. Starting late and finishing early isn’t a ‘thing’. I appreciate you could make up the time on other days but I personally wouldn’t want to do that.

Would MIL consider coming to yours and looking after DD there and doing slightly longer than 9-5 and then you could start late, finish late or the other way round.

Personally I would keep the nursery space but say that if she wants DD from time to time she can pick her up and have her for the afternoon and drop her home. Reducing stress by having guaranteed reliable childcare is so important when you’re working. I definitely wouldn’t give up the mummy day either, my kids all had mummy days when they were nursery age (and they still talk about ‘mummy days’ fondly!)

No is a full sentence!

You have many differently options which do suit u, give her 3 other ideas which achieve the same thing but don't put u out (including an overnight) Let her pick!!

What if after a while MIL needs to stop doing it or swap a day? Will you be able to get the day back at nursery?

I would say don’t do it. For your sake, because of the logistics but also your child is in a routine and why mess with it. Better to have a couple of hours of an afternoon or a weekend as visit to granny’s but not a full day.

No, no and no. You can't give up reliable childcare that facilitates both of you working for unreliable babysitting that leaves you with childcare issues on a regular basis when she isn't available!!

And why isn't DH on side about how inconvenient it makes things for you with work, especially seeing as he's also saying he can't facilitate it.

I would say it's either he tells his mum it needs to work around work or it can't happen - ie she pick up earlier etc but it doesn't sound like that would work because you'd both still end up wasting holiday days when she flakes on you.

I think you just need to say to her /DH it would only work if you could drop DD off at 8am as you do at nursery, and explain why. If she wants to help with childcare then she should be willing to accommodate the time it takes you to get to work and back. Why is she only willing to do 9-5? Is there a reason? It's not helping you otherwise and she should be considerate of the needs of the whole family. If she can't do that, it's a no.

@bicbub

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

I think you've suggested the ideal compromise there, and the only one with a chance of working.

Why let DH shoot it down. Tell him it's that or nothing because other options don't work for you.

If he remains adamant that his mother should have this day then he will have to facilitate it himself. You can't and won't.

YANBU.

The proposed arrangement just doesn't gel with your work schedule. At all.

Don't make a rod for your own back here. No reason for you to even entertain this idea.

Your MIL goes to your husband to see your daughter more and your husband wants you burdened more.

He's a right prize🙄.

He completely avoids any logistics of childcare all week but wants you to have more running around🙄.

Give your head a wobnle OP, there is a pair of them in it.

Neither are giving you an ounce of consideration in all of this.

Do exactly what suits YOU during your working week and suggest to your husband he does a solo run during the weekend to his mother.

The overnighter sounds nice too.

Your priority is to make your week as stress free as possible as you carry the load, not humour your husband or his mother.

I love suggestions from people that don't inconvenience them in the slightest.🙄

Why csn she only have her 9-5? Surely if she wants to "help" it's logical that she have her for the same time nursery does at least.

Obviously she doesn't actually want to help, she wants you to facilitate her a nanny day.
But she needs to be willing to actually give you something in return and I don't think saving 2k a year on nursery fees cuts it.