MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

Why can’t she do the extra half hour in the morning and the little extra in the afternoon to make it work if she wants to?

You needed to shut down the idea that she could extend to a full day (unless it's at the weekend and it's a daddy, Granny and daughter day) because your DH doesn't get that his mother is going to cause YOU unnecessary issues with being late for work and possibly having to work late during the week too while his routine remains entirely unaffected by HIS mother's wishes/demands.
You should have said "A full day just won't work for us, but if you wanted to, you could possibly collect her early two afternoons but it just wouldn't work for a full day unless you look after her in our house and you come to our house to do it." or something like that.

DH is great really, he's just completely clueless. When he's around he's massively helpful but just doesn't understand the logistics of having to work and 'manage' childcare in a single day.

Clueless isn’t great. He’s choosing to be clueless because he doesn’t respect your job or the extra work you do taking care of his child.

Glad you have spoken to MIL though.

She could increase it to giving her dinner, then after a while overnight and drop her at nursery the next day if she really wants more time with her.
DM had DS one day a week from 10m til COVID hit and now he's at school. Her or Dad always picked him up, DH collected him on the way home from work. She volunteered to do this pretty much after we announced I was pregnant!
They have a lovely bond, and he's going there one day a week in school holidays this summer

What you should do ASAP is having him take care of the drop off and pick up for one whole week, including accommodation of grandma’s day. Then this big mummy’s boy can learn some respect for your hard work and learn from experience how inconvenient it is.

I think it’s really inappropriate that your MIL started whining to him that you should bring DD over more. She should whine to and about her own child. It isn’t your job to accommodate this relationship just because you have a vagina!

She did then end the conversation with 'if the half day is successful we can just increase it up to a full day'.

She really hasn’t got, has she. However if she’s happy wit the half day, I would just go with it. It will probably all come crashing to a halt when life gets moving and she can go travelling again. In the meantime you haven’t given up your nursery place.

@bicbub

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

But surely it should be on your terms, when it suits best for you?

What’s the point in having your mil ‘helping’ when in fact it’s causing you more hassle? Just tell her that it won’t work for you and she can have dgd at the weekend or when it does. This arrangement isn’t supposed to be for her benefit.

Neither her husband nor her MIL have a scrap of respect for whatbthe OP does but she refuses to see it🤷🏻‍♀️

Why can't MiL pick her up? Surely if you used flexi to start late on the day she has your daughter, it would be easier and less stressful for you if she picked her up? Or alternatively, be unfront and say 9-5 doesn't work you as she would need to be able to take her at 8.