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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL & Childcare

259 replies

bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:08

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 14/05/2021 13:23

This is a crap idea! Everyone else gets what they want at the expense of your free time!

Original poster
bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:23

DH can't help because he has an hour commute, that's also in the opposite direction, and starts at 8am. By the time he'd dropped off at 9am he would get to work 2.5 hours late. He also doesn't have flexible working.

MIL has DD for a morning on the weekend about once every 2-3months but is a bit of a socialite and often has plans. Also DH likes to spend the time with DD on the weekend. So that wouldn't work as a regular thing, which is what she wants. I think she see's her other friends helping out with their GC and feels like she's missing out, which I get but our circumstances are different from theirs.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2021 13:23

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Of course she needs to work around you. What a weird attitude!

WeatherwaxLives · 14/05/2021 13:23

I'd think just telling her that you start work at 8.30 and don't leave until 5pm so wouldn't be able to drop DD off at 9 and collect at 5pm would be the least emotive thing to do?

If she does adjust her timings to make it work would you be able to book DD in for extra nursery days when MIL is away? Or do your nursery not do that?

Notaroadrunner · 14/05/2021 13:24

Absolutely not being unreasonable. I can never understand these people who all of a sudden 'want' to mind their grandchildren. Their wants don't come into it. It's what suits your household that matters. I gather your dd is settled in nursery. You have an established routine for drop off and pick up. Why on earth would you even consider rocking the boat just because mil has decided she wants to have dd a day a week? A firm thanks but no thanks is all that's needed here. If your Dh is on his mother's side, then feel free to pass the logistical nightmare over to him. I'd say he'd soon decline his mother's offer then!

Thirtyrock39 · 14/05/2021 13:26

One massive bonus of family childcare is they're usually ok about doing it if your child is unwell or has to isolate etc whereas nurseries are not . That would be a big bonus for me. Could you discuss changing the timing with Mil ?

PicaK · 14/05/2021 13:27

Keep the nursery day but suggest if she ever wants an afternoon with your DD it would be fine to take her out.
Presumably it's the early start she wants to avoid but can actually get there. You could offer to pick up from hers.

LadyDanburysHat · 14/05/2021 13:29

@aSofaNearYou

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Of course she needs to work around you. What a weird attitude!

Exactly this. Let her take her for an afternoon or something, but doing something that makes your life harder is daft.
MargosKaftan · 14/05/2021 13:29

Childcare while you work is to enable you to work. Your MILs offer won't enable you to work. So no.

Just tell your DH you have to be at work for 8:30. You can't be in 2 places at once, so if his mum can't pick up from your house at 8 then as lovely as the offer is, it doesn't help so no.

If your DH wants his mum to have your dc foe a chunk of time and MIL wants to have a chunk of time to have dgc, that's fine, but you won't make the logistics work. He has to find a solution that fits round the hours you need childcare for.

lanthanum · 14/05/2021 13:30

@bicbub

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Actually, I think it's the other way round; you're allowing her to have DD at a time which works for her, without having to worry about letting you down if she's away or ill. If she'd rather take DD to her house for the afternoon, you might be able to flex enough to pick her up at 5, perhaps.
Nuggetnugget · 14/05/2021 13:30

No. The use of your holidays and the fact that it will seem like a 'favour' rather than a professional business will be a problem if any issues come up.
Shea dh mother. Let him explain. Your dh needs to stop being a lap dog to his mother's needs.

Nuggetnugget · 14/05/2021 13:30

She is

user648482729 · 14/05/2021 13:32

Tell her that your work won’t let you come in late and leave early; i think it sounds like too much fuss.

Original poster
bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:32

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

But I guess even if the DH takes responsibly for the day, what about when MIL is on holiday?
DH would be more likely to agree to do half of the holiday days than he would to do the morning drop off.

The sort of job he does there is no way he'd be able to start 2.5 hours late one day a week. It'd have too much of an impact.

OP posts:
Pinkpaisley · 14/05/2021 13:33

I wouldn’t rely on her for childcare. I would allow the occasional grandma day, but only if it works with your work schedule. She can pick up from nursery, but she has to drop off at your regular time.

Horehound · 14/05/2021 13:33

No you're not unreasonable. It doesn't make sense, it's not actually helping you infact it's adding in stress.

Just say no

boomboom1234 · 14/05/2021 13:34

Just say no. It's a. Lovely offer so thanks very much but those timings are impossible with work. Ask if she wants to pick her up one day early from Nursery or babysit a bit more often?

idontlikealdi · 14/05/2021 13:34

She's either offering childcare which has to fit around you for obvious reasons or she can facilitate contact in bait her way eg weekends or whatever. Being a socialite and nit having time doesn't really make any difference, apart from her deciding to be a socialite in planned childcare days and not being able to do it.

It just doesn't work.

Original poster
bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:35

@Schoolchoicesucks

Does the nursery offer half days? Could your MIL pick up dc from nursery at lunchtime, back to hers for the afternoon and then drop her home? That way would only be 20 mins or so for you to make up and half days to cover when your MIL was away.

As for MIL having to work around your schedule - well she kind of does. You are not requesting this as a favour from her, she is offering to do it as she wants to spend time with your DC. So then she has to be willing to accommodate your schedule.

They don't offer half days, they offer full day or school day (9-3) so I'd still need to start late.

MIL doesn't want to do two round trips, but has a key to our house and we're happy for her to have her there. Which I think is the best solution, pick her up from nursery early and bring her back to ours.

OP posts:
Morred · 14/05/2021 13:35

What about the one day a week DD isn't in nursery - do you (or DH?) have that as a day off with DD? Might it be easier logistically if MIL saw DD on that day? Not all day every week, but you could arrange a morning or an afternoon which you could use to do something nice or catch up on jobs so you have the whole weekend free with DH and DD.

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2021 13:37

Say she can have her for the day if she comes and gets her, she should feed her lunch not you and bring her back or alternatively be in your house all day with her. It’s ok for it to be all on your terms, she’s your child

Aprilwasverywet · 14/05/2021 13:37

What is mil reasoning for not being able to manage your timings? Imo playdates and visits are by mutually agreed times... Childcare is obviously to suit the worker.. Or what's the point? Helpful becomes hindrance... As is your case op...

Nuggetnugget · 14/05/2021 13:37

You could tell a white lie and say covid is easing up and flexi is not allowed. No way would I allow this. Guarantee after a few weeks she will have some type of social thing and let you down.

Original poster
bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:38

"Assuming she is is retired/doesn't work, and you are doing this for her benefit not your own, of course she needs to work around the schedule of two busy working parents."

I kind of agree with this, but at the same time her having DD does benefit us to the tune of over £2k a year in saved nursery fees. But MIL doesnt understand that the reduced stress is worth more to me than the £2k.

OP posts:
DungeonKeeper · 14/05/2021 13:40

That arrangement doesn’t work for you, so it’s as simple as that really. The only one it impacts is you so no I wouldn’t agree to it.