MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

I'd say thanks for the offer but no thanks.
It sounds like you've got your routine worked out and it works for everyone so why change that.
If she really wants to have her can she not have her at your house? Or work around your hours?

I could sacrifice my 20minutes pre work chill and squeeze in a bowl of cereal while she has her milk. But I don't want to give that up every single morning

So basically you give up your already abbreviated breakfast for an arrangement made by two other people entirely for their convenience.

DH and MiL want the arrangement - they have to put some effort iinto making it work.

@bicbub
I can make it work, I could sacrifice my 20minutes pre work chill and squeeze in a bowl of cereal while she has her milk. But I don't want to give that up every single morning.
But its ONE morning out of 7.

My mum used to have my eldest one day a week, my husband dropped him off on his way to work at about 8-830 usually dressed but not always and usually not fed! My mum would do all of that because its her grandson and she wanted to both help us out and spend time with him. I think if she really wants a regular day she should commit to a routine that doesn't alter yours that works perfectly well as it is.

@ArcheryAnnie

If your MIL wants it, and your DH wants it, then it's up to them to make it happen.

If I were you, my tactic would be to be relentlessly positive about the offer, how lovely it would be for MIL and DD, but also stick to you not being able to change your work hours.

They make it happen. Not you. Not your job.

This ^^^^^ Only this. (I've only read the first 100 posts so I'll crack on with reading the rest of them now and if a decision has happened, apologies OP, I hope you snapped and farted, cancelled the cheque and changed the password)

Sounds like your DH needs a sharp dose of educating of what your mornings are like if he thinks it's so easy to squeeze in an hour round trip to keep his DM happy.

I'd actually be quite angry with him about this. Working compressed hours and doing all the drop offs and pick ups with a young DC is bloody hard, he doesn't get to make your life harder for you, or dictate how you spend your non working time ( but still spent looking after your DC).

Besides if she isn't going to be able to do it at least 8 weeks a year the whole thing was a complete non starter. TBH much as it's his DM, I'd speak to her yourself, sounds like the only way she's going to get factual information, but don't get guilted into spending your non working day at hers.

Could you drop her off and be late to work one day a week and then stay later than evening while your DH picks her up from MIL... yes he could have to detour on the way home and it might not fit with MIL's 5pm finish time but it on him to work that out or explain why he can't leave work early to make this happen.

Remind him that you work day is already bound by her morning and afternoon drop off and pick up times, plus you have sacrificed one day a week to spend time with her, plus maternity leave and pregnancy which will ultimately have a significant impact on your lifetime earning potential so surely he can work out how to finish one day a week a little early to make his mother happy and make this work.

Caveat: this might mess her night time routine up massively.. so depends on how chilled she is.

PS: the 8 weeks a year holiday is a whole other headache. On that alone, I think I would struggle..

Why should you use half your holiday allowance for an arrangement that doesn’t suit you?

None of this affects your DH or your MIL.

[quote BusyLizzie61]@bicbub
I can make it work, I could sacrifice my 20minutes pre work chill and squeeze in a bowl of cereal while she has her milk. But I don't want to give that up every single morning.
But its ONE morning out of 7.[/quote]
I think you need to reread the original post.

Because I'd have to make up the hours by starting work early every other day it would be on all 4 days that I currently work.

I spoke to MIL, without DH in the room, when we visited earlier today.

She said it was a shame that it wouldn't work as she was looking forward to it. So I'm assuming that DH must have told her yes to 9-5.

She's happy with picking her up from nursery at 1pm once a week and having her until I finish work. Then depending on where they've gone that afternoon I'll pick DD up from hers or she'll take her back to ours. She's keen to start ASAP.

She did then end the conversation with 'if the half day is successful we can just increase it up to a full day'.

I'm still not sure on the reason for 9-5 but I think it's probably to do with not wanting to commit to more hours that she thinks she could manage. Which I fully respect. I'd rather that than her commit to a 10 hour day and then let me down because she's struggling.

So basically DH was just being completely unrealistic with thinking 'bicbubs on flexi so she'll be able to make it work'.

If she carries on wanting 9-5pm it's up to DH to facilitate it or she could do 2 afternoons up to them.

You are compromising by doing the pick up which inconveniences you, any more inconvenience needs to be done by DH.

So despite you saying it doesn’t work for you she is still pushing for 9-5. I don’t think she is really understanding your reason for saying no. I think she has created a narrative in her own head as to why you have said no. You need to shoot it down when she raises it again and remind her it isn’t convenient for you. That is it

At least it is sorted for now. I don't get her need for the whole day. What's that about?

Well done

Honestly, all of this treading on egg shells to accommodate MILs life and feelings is ridiculous.
Thank her for the offer, tell her what would work FOR YOU otherwise sorry but its not going to work out, is it?
Why are you bending over backwards, using your flexi time and annual leave to sort it out.
No, no, no, no.
DD isn't an accessory for her to flaunt with her other granny mates. If she's wanting to help out then it's to HELP OUT. Not make your life harder.

@mynameisbrian

So despite you saying it doesn’t work for you she is still pushing for 9-5. I don’t think she is really understanding your reason for saying no. I think she has created a narrative in her own head as to why you have said no. You need to shoot it down when she raises it again and remind her it isn’t convenient for you. That is it

I suspect the DH hasn’t explained to his mum the problems this causes for OP because he refuses to understand or acknowledge them himself. Hence he’s more willing to upset his wife than his mother.

Ugh to dhs approach. Please make sure he does the first sick day that comes up, not it defaults to you because you’re on flexi. You can’t just make up any number of hours.

OP,

You sound like a very nice woman but somehow you seem to be be missing the big picture in all of this..the half day child minding really being the least of your issues...but good luck.

Glad you have come to a resolution OP, even if it doesn't sound perfect. Hope a long drive at 5:30ish doesn't create sleep issues for your toddler, mine would both have fallen asleep in the car at that time of day and your MIL won't give a shiny shit if it causes a bad night as she won't have to deal with it.

Neither of them have any thought for your needs do they?.

I’d make her bring her back on the evening, you’ve been at work all day you don’t want to be driving too.

So I'm assuming that DH must have told her yes to 9-5

Based oh her "we will see" answer this isn't over.

1. Hold on to that afternoon slot in the nursery whatever DH says.
2. You need to sort this out with DH because it will happen again unless he starts respecting your work in the same way you currently assume he can't possibly make any change in his.

If she brings up 9-5 again just say "I don't think DH wants to drop her off at 9 and I can't do it in the mornings."

Well done on having found a solution that's workable and realistic for everyone. That breakfast time is part of your self care, where you get to be off the clock for a few minutes each working day. Giving it up every working day and having a more stressful day each week with more running around would impact on your well-being. I think GPs often underestimate how exhausting it is entertaining a little one all day, a few hours regularly helps them build a bond still. We've found before offers of help from family have come with strings attached, often emotional guilt! So we've learnt to say no if it's not going to work for us. Sometimes the stress is just not worth it.

mainsfed true- sounds as though he simply said yes before any discussion with OP. With the recent update the MIL doesn’t know the pain it is for OP. Although sounds like she thinks with OP having one day off during the week that her work isn’t that ‘important’