MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

bicbub what do you mean when your DH is around he is helpful? He is a parent too...its called parenting. Seems he does a bit of parenting at the weekend and leaves you to get on with it during the week. I bet he gets up , grabs a coffee and walks out the door without doing a thing for his DC. Whilst you get up sort out DC, take to nursery and pick up. Doesnt sound like a great parent to me. He probably doesnt want to take his DC to his mums at the weekend as that would involve some parenting on his own for a bit. You need to switch your mindset. You both had a DC, your making excuses for him....he is another bloke that thinks parenting is down to the woman

@dottiedaisee

That is a really kind offer from your MIL and she clearly wants to be involved in her GD life on a regular basis . She probably doesn’t realise the logistical problems and is trying to be helpful. Am guessing she is in her late 50s early 60s and looking after young children is really tiring so just be glad that she is so keen to be involved.

She's in her 60s and DD is a very active child who won't sit still for long. Which is another reason why I'm not keen to tell her 'if you want DD it'll need to be 8am-5.30pm'.

I genuinely think picking her up from nursery at 1pm one day a week and having her for 4hours would be a better solution for both of us. She's not committed if something else comes up or she doesn't feel up to it, she can go on holiday without worrying about it.

She's a really lovely lady and DD enjoys seeing her, which is why I feel bad for saying no. But the knock on impact of that one day is just too huge for me to be happy about it.

Umm, well your DH comes across like ‘we both decided to have a baby, but you have to fully work it around me’.

Quite! Have you sat him down and explained the impact this will have on your commute? Massive pita.

@SnackSizeRaisin

He's begrudgingly going to suggest she picks DD up from nursery at 1pm one day a week then I'll pick her up after I've finished work around 5.30pm.

Why begrudgingly? You are still the only one inconvenienced by this. He should be grateful that you are helping his mother get what she wants!

Because he's a mummy's boy and I think he's worried he'll upset her.

That and I wouldn't be surprised if he's already told her it's ok before running it past me. So is now going to have to go back to her and say actually it doesn't work.

He should be worried he'll upset you OP! Why do your feelings not matter?

Could she not have her the other weekday since you work 4 days then you can have a break see can have gc and no extra stress really

I'm guessing you wouldn't have chosen a nursery that has reduced hours that don't fit your work pattern so why would you choose an alternative method of childcare that doesn't fit your work pattern.

Childcare around work is a necessity not a 'nice to have'. Grandma wanting to help us a nice to have and if it works, great, but it doesn't - both from a timing aspect on a weekly basis and on a fairly frequent 'I can't have her this week' basis too.

You do need DH to be on side and understand through. He can't just wade through life with this 'i can't sort childcare out because of work but you can alter your work life so my mummy can see DD' attitude.

I'd just say the truth. The planned logistics dont work so it's not going to happen.

@bicbub

"Assuming she is is retired/doesn't work, and you are doing this for her benefit not your own, of course she needs to work around the schedule of two busy working parents."

I kind of agree with this, but at the same time her having DD does benefit us to the tune of over £2k a year in saved nursery fees. But MIL doesnt understand that the reduced stress is worth more to me than the £2k.

Well then pay her part of the savings or say you don’t have flexi and her timings don’t work.

He was less understanding of me saying that even if she took her from 8am I wasn't keen on having to sort DDs breakfast, clear it up and do an hour round drop off trip pre work

So he can get the breakfasts sorted and reorganise his own days.

He's begrudgingly going to suggest she picks DD up from nursery at 1pm one day a week then I'll pick her up after I've finished work around 5.30pm

So you are still the one putting in the extra time and hassle for his bright idea. What is his contribution?

DH is great really, he's just completely clueless. When he's around he's massively helpful but just doesn't understand the logistics of having to work and 'manage' childcare in a single day

Sorry but he is a functioning adult who holds down a job? Of course he can organise himself - he doesn't want to. He found the time to organise an arrangement which creates more work for you. He can organise himself for a change.

He isn't "helping" at home either. You both work, he is parenting his own child or looking after his own house not "helping".

Unless your dh is prepared and able to take on at least half of the inconvenient job of breakfast/drop off at MILs/pick up, he is not in a position to make promises on your behalf. We have dgs a couple of days a week. We absolutely expect to work around what is convenient for DS and DIL. I work pt, so in reality it is dh who does most of the care. We would NEVER expect either DS or DIL to lose money purely to accommodate our desire to spend more time with dgs. Your husband and MIL are both wrong to expect you to be responsible for this.

Her suggestion doesn't fit with your work hours. Forget the flexi. All that means is that you have to work longer hours other days. Fuck that.

Say that you would your DD to spend more time with her grandma but that those hours don't work. Suggest instead:
She has her a weekend day
Collects her from nursery every now and then
Looks after her in your home.

You're giving her options. Your job is as important as your husband's

He's clueless is he about what is involved 🙄yea right.

My arse.

He's got you very well trained OP.

Doing everything, suiting himself, prioritising his job and leaving the dirty logistics to you.

Yes you are well trained.

He suits himself.

Has so little respect for you, your job, the logistics of all the baby childcare, that you think most likely he agreed this arrangement with his mother without even speaking to you🙄🤷🏻‍♀️.

Have you any idea at all what respect looks like?
That your husband would do that.

Begrudging is he.

Have a good hard think about the way everything is set up and definitely do before you have another child with someone so disrespectful of all you do.

If your DH wants his mum to have DD one day a week then it’s up to him to facilitate it. Simple. Maybe he can drop her off at 6am if his job is so important that he can’t be late? And if he thinks it’d be nice for DD to spend more time with his mother then he can apply for flexible working and on his one day off per week he can spend it with his mum? If he doesn’t agree to either of these then you need to ask him why you should agree to be similarly put out.

I don't understand why you can't just sit down and explain all this to her? Surely she'd understand and you could reach a solution together?

He’s more scared of upsetting her than you.

I don't understand why you can't just sit down and explain all this to her? Surely she'd understand and you could reach a solution together?

The DH had this bright idea, he can sit down and have the conversation.

I would be saying no sorry doesnt work for us, unless your dh does drop off and pick up on his Mother’s Day

WTF? So DH still does nothing? And is still begrudging about it?

Why can't he pick her up on the evening, then he can see his mother then also?

This has irrationally annoyed me because its a typical thoughtless man making plans that massively inconvenience you. Dh is one of the good ones but still does this sometimes.

Frankly, breakfast and leaving house early is enough of a reason for me to not want to do it..perhaps dh can get up 20 minutes earlier to prepare/lay out breakfast, get dd ready etc? I guessing that's not something he'd consider.

Your half day flexible.solution seems like a winner to me and takes the childcare part out- its mil having a fun day with dd every now and again without anyone having to worry about the complications of it being formal childcare.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him

But she's not doing you a favour, she's asked to have dd not the other way around. If she wants this she needs to work around the current arrangements.

I'd tell her it's not convenient and you can't work her proposed arrangement around your working hours. Tell her if she can be more flexible, have dd earlier or keep her later, or even collect from nursery then that's doable. Leave the ball in her court

Sounds like you have made a plan, OP.

I just wanted to say, I know your dp doesn't have "flexi" like you do, but assuming he's worked for his employer for a certain amount of time (6 or 12 months, can't remember), he can request flexible working arrangements. Which could be to start work 1-2 hours later one day a week for example, so he could drop dc off at his mum's. Your "mummy's day" sounds fab and ability to flex is great, but shouldn't mean he gets to leave all the arrangements to you. If he doesn't ask, he won't get. The more fathers who ask, the more of a norm it becomes.

I would love to have a family membber who was desperate to spend time with my dc. Even if it's a bit inconvenient, it's not that bad, and will be good for your dc. Inwould put MIL and DC before you and go for it.

I think your suggestion will be better for you, your MIL and your dd. Will be shorter but more enjoyable for all and no pressure/commitment if plans change. Definitely the right decision even if it is one awkward conversation for dh. (Shouldn't even be awkward).

Couldn't you just have breakfast with dd and then drop her at nursery and make up your time really easily in the mornings? I can't see how that equates to £2k worth of stress.