MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

So your husband wants you to give up your day with DD but isn’t willing to give up his own weekend time with her?

Agree with everyone else, it doesn’t work for you in the week and really it should be your husband coming up with a solution for them to spend more time together (that doesn’t impact on your or your work).

YANBU

Can your DH work from home? If so perhaps he could WFH one day a week and facilitate MIL doing childcare on that day. They organise it all between them. And if she can't do it for any reason, DH can book an extra day with nursery or take the day off work if that's not possible. If DH won't agree to this, you should say no to MIL doing childcare, as it would be more of a hindrance than a help to you.

Don't let them guilt you about not going to her house on your one day with DD, either. SIL has 5 days a week with hers so she can easily spend 1 day with MIL; she has 4 others. You don't.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him

Isn't it more unreasonable for your MIL to expect you to work around her - when she's the one asking?

She's asking if the day a week works, and evidently it doesn't. So there needs to be an alternative arrangement.

Can you imagine your own mother wanting your DH to take DC to her house, without you, one day every weekend?! And being put out if he didn't do it?!

Of course no one would ever expect this of a man and his MIL, it's only women that are supposed to do it 🙄

Well I think this sounds like a brilliant idea. For your DH and his darling mum. Sounds like a fucking nightmare for you. The only answer is a hard no. They’re free to come back to you with alternative suggestions that don’t massively put you out of course - you’ll leave it with them.

MIL made a comment to DH about how SIL, who is a SAHM, brings the GC to see her every Monday. And it would be nice if i went to same effort. So DH asked if I could do this on the 'mummy day', I said no, I'm happy to do it occasionally but not every week.

No this doesn't work. If DH wants her to visit more he or both of you can take her at weekends. Or he can look into changing his own work pattern. Its a very PA way to ask you to give up your day with DD as well as you being expected to work longer hours to give her a nursery day.

How about she picks up DD one lunch time for the afternoon but you keep the nursery place? Won't save you money but no worries about hols etc and gives them time together. Or try the overnight idea if she wants the whole day. If neither of these work for her then either DH needs to share the load or she does.

Don’t give it in to this! My MIL did something similar, insisted we dropped a days nursery so she could “help” now she picks and chooses what time she will have DS and regularly lets me down if something comes up she would rather do. And we have lost the place at nursery now - the waiting list is so long DS will be at school before we get the day back. 🤦🏼‍♀️

So this can only work if it doesn’t upset any body else’s plans but yours! Seems fair! MIL cant work around you and DH can’t be late for work! Nice

Oh i didnt see the bit about you giving up you mummy day but DH not giving up his weekend!
If i were you, i’d say your happy for Mil to see DD and your DH and her can work something out between themselves (but not your mummy day)

I would just say no sorry, it doesn't work for us.

If she wants her but won’t work around your timings then she isn’t helping. It’s for her benefit, not yours. It would be a no from me. I wouldn’t care about it being a second no, that’s to be expected if she keeps making unreasonable requests.

No way. I know people that have done this and regretted it. The whole point of childcare is it's meant to make your life easier. Its really unfair for your husband to expect you to facilitate contact between your daughter and his mum when he could do it at weekends. It's crazy to have to work longer hours than you actually have to.

It's fine to say no, and that you can only work it if she comes to you, it's her request, for something she wants, so its totally ok to say only if it doesnt make your life harder. It's so hectic working and having young kids at nursery, dont make it worse

She’s still only 2 but in a couple of years she’ll be in school and it sounds like it could work better for your mil to do some holiday childcare where she could maybe take your daughter for a few days or a week at a time. That has worked really well for us in a way that regular weekday childcare wouldn’t have.

You’re not asking for the regular weekday slot and it sounds like it would actually make your life much harder so I would say it isn’t going to work.

Id start by saying (your DH should tell her tbh) you chose the nursery as it can accomodate your working hours. If she can do the same hours or compromise at 8.30/pick up it would be really helpful, otherwise it just wont work for you. My DD is nursery 3 days and MiL the other two/DH when off work (shift worker). When my MIl has DD she has provided her lunch, even if just a few ellas kitchen pouches in beginning. If she can't handle providing a baby lunch 1 day a week then i would reconsider if she can handle caring for a baby at all. My mil lives a 15 min drive in opposite direction from me and work( 50 min commute) and I drop my DD off at MILs between 7.45 and 8am and then have an hours drive to get to work by 9am those days. Normally an 8.30 start so that week its shorter lunches and a 4.30 finish those days to collect her by 5.30 😒 Its annoying as hell but only 2 days per week every other week due to DH work pattern thankfully. I wish I'd done full time childcare as its just easier in the morning, but felt bad at declining her offer and didnt want to deal with sulking.

They want to help once shes at primary school but no way am i doubling back twice a day all week to go to the nearest village school - DH is out of house by 6 so cant help in morning/pm. I will be standing my ground this time. So its likely she will go to the school near where we both work with wraparound childcare. Id let them collect 1 day a week or something then take back for tea but this.will probably sink like stone when i suggest it.

Anyway, Id say.thanks but work wont accomodatw the changes to your work pattern with her availablilty at present. She doesnt need to know the ins and outs of flexi time etc, just that its not possible. Your DH too if need be

It sounds like you’ve got a really good routine at the moment and I would be inclined to stick with it rather than do all that faffing about.

I do see your point that asking MIL to pick up from nursery would be her having to work around you, but equally why should you have to work fully around her! Stick to your guns, tell her you’re very grateful for the offer but you have a routine that works at the moment and you need to get to work for 8.30. You never know she may change her mind and decide she can get up a bit earlier and get to yours for 8.

@bicbub

I should add that I was alternatively going to suggest that she pick DD up from nursery early one day a week and take her back to our house (or somewhere local) until 5pm.

That way she gets to have DD, I don't have to adjust my hours as much, and we still have the nursery day booked for when MIL is away.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

She's your child, if MIL wants her then yes she should fully work around you

‘Mummy days’ got me right in the feels OP! That is such a special time, especially at that age. Don’t let anyone make you feel you have to give it up!

@bicbub
Have you blatantly said that your work hours are xyz a d those would be the hours that would need to be accommodated for this to become a reality, including foregoing some of the 8 week holidays that would fall on "her" day? Though I'd have imagined if these are planned in advance nursery May well have capacity for the odd extra day...

What about suggesting that you all have dinner together if she was at your home in the evening and then she can drive back outside of rush hour.

It seems a shame when she's trying to be more involved to shoot her down, especially given you refuse to try and facilitate this on "your" non working day, to not try and make it work for lo.

The other alternative if you get on with your MiL well is to say you understand she doesnt want to do the round trip in one day but she could come to yours in the evening (pick her up from nursery an option) stay overnight at yours and then look after your daughter in the day, you start and finish a bit earlier so she can leave before rush hour if she wants

And I do think your husband is being a bit shit here...why ask you to spend your day off that you specifically dropped from work to spend time with your daughter, with his mother every week? Again surely he could do this at the weekend if he wanted. Would he like to spend all his days off with your family?

I think you need to get rid of the guilt at saying "no".

The extra stress is too much.

MIL needs to compromise too otherwise it's only you (and not DH) taking on all the negative impact.

He could make it a Daddy DD thing to go and visit MIL most weekends for half a day so it doesn't impact on you.

I'm not sure why it's 9-5, this has all come through DH.

I've told him that doing it gives me no leeway to make up hours for appointments or DD sickness. I need to be able to do at least 8 hours each day, which he understands.

He was less understanding of me saying that even if she took her from 8am I wasn't keen on having to sort DDs breakfast, clear it up and do an hour round drop off trip pre work.

He's begrudgingly going to suggest she picks DD up from nursery at 1pm one day a week then I'll pick her up after I've finished work around 5.30pm.

DH is great really, he's just completely clueless. When he's around he's massively helpful but just doesn't understand the logistics of having to work and 'manage' childcare in a single day.

We had a similar discussion, the effect of this "help" would have been to inconvenience me. In our case it would have involved lifts to and from the station and been a much shorter day than I'm actually working for, in addition I didn't feel the standard of care would be good enough (think non stop TV, sugary crap and never leaving the house - maybe ok occasionally but not every week). Plus I would be trying to work from home with this going on, in a small house. And I didn't want her on my non working day as that would stop me seeing friends and doing fun things like swimming.
I told my partner that his mum was welcome any time as long as he was off work to look after her. We both work similar hours, both part time. He liked the idea of his mum getting chance to "help" but funnily enough he would rather spend his days off doing something other than seeing his mother so she doesn't come round very often.
Our daughter is happily settled in nursery and loves playing with her friends there, she gets to do loads of crafts and it's been really good for her in many ways. I honestly don't think she would be better off with grandma. She would almost certainly just be really bored as they would never go anywhere. I didn't have close relationships with grandparents myself growing up so maybe I'm missing something, but surely most children would rather be mixing with children their own age than at home with grandma (or even mum) ?

He's begrudgingly going to suggest she picks DD up from nursery at 1pm one day a week then I'll pick her up after I've finished work around 5.30pm.

Why begrudgingly? You are still the only one inconvenienced by this. He should be grateful that you are helping his mother get what she wants!

That is a really kind offer from your MIL and she clearly wants to be involved in her GD life on a regular basis . She probably doesn’t realise the logistical problems and is trying to be helpful. Am guessing she is in her late 50s early 60s and looking after young children is really tiring so just be glad that she is so keen to be involved.