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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL & Childcare

259 replies

bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:08

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

OP posts:

mynameisbrian · 14/05/2021 15:09

How nice of your DH to think this is a good plan when it has zero impact on his work/life balance. There was nothing wrong with saying no to MIL when you have your 'mummy' day. Also this plan is nonsense and benefits noone apart from her. If she wants DD once a week she can come to your house or the answer is no. Tell your DH if he wants to agree to it then its for him to facilitate. Sounds like one big pain in the ass...and what happens when she is ill or doesnt fancy having her one week?

BountyIsUnderrated · 14/05/2021 15:10

Say it'll only work if mil has her overnight for the next day as manager won't agree to you starting late/accommodate flexi for that longterm etc.
It's not fair that you have to work around her, should be the other way around really.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/05/2021 15:11

You’d be mental to go out of your way to make your life harder for your mil.

Comparing your routine to a SAHM is also mental.

Just say no, we have a routine and will see you on the weekends.

CecilyP · 14/05/2021 15:12

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

Well I completely disagree with him! You have childcare to facilitate you going to work; you don’t go to work to facilitate someone to provide childcare. The set up you have works perfectly for you. I was a no from me even before you mentioned her holiday. It looks like she couldn’t cause you more inconvenience if she tried!

Waterfallgirl · 14/05/2021 15:13

@mainsfed

Sorry just re-read and saw MIL just doesn't want to do two round trips.

MIL made a comment to DH about how SIL, who is a SAHM, brings the GC to see her every Monday. And it would be nice if i went to same effort. So DH asked if I could do this on the 'mummy day', I said no, I'm happy to do it occasionally but not every week.

So she doesn't actually want to help you at all, this is about you visiting her so she can talk to her socialite friends about what a wonderful grandmother she is.

Exactly.

“......it would be nice if....you did this “ is very passive aggressive, my mum used this phrase all the time. Code for “you must do this because I think it’s a good idea and it’s fits my / my friends view of the world”.

JohnsRaincoatLost · 14/05/2021 15:14

I am a SAHM but to give you an idea of what my own Mum did, once she had retired she would leave her house at 7am ish to be able to get to me through rush hour traffic on a very busy motorway. She would make it in time to have a quick coffee before taking Ds1 to school along with Ds2 in his pram. Often we would go together but she also did this by herself. One day every week she did this. Her other GC were on her doorstep and she did a lot of childcare for my sister. Obviously I didn't need that.

Why is your MIL only available from 9am? Does she drive? Could she not pick up your DD? Why do you need to make your DD a packed lunch, why would she not do it?

I am not suggesting for one minute that you do the one day a week thing I am just curious.

It doesn't work for you so definitely don't do it.

worriedatthemoment · 14/05/2021 15:14

Could you not take her to nursery for the morning and your mil picks her up lunchtime and has her for afternoon , as she will be going to school soon anyway if she is 4

worriedatthemoment · 14/05/2021 15:15

Sorry ready 4 days as 4
But still suggest same she just has her half day so you can s drop at nursery and doesn't effect your days

Howshouldibehave · 14/05/2021 15:16

MIL made a comment to DH about how SIL, who is a SAHM, brings the GC to see her every Monday

Why doesn’t DH take DC to visit his mummy every week on his day off? Sunday morning maybe? He can call it his mummy day.

Honestly, your DH is sounding a bit of a lazy twat who wants you to make all the effort with his family!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/05/2021 15:16

What a stay at home mum who lives near her mum is not what a 4 day working who lives quite a drive away would do. You MIL is unfair to compare you with SIL. Your set up sounds great to me.

redastherose · 14/05/2021 15:17

I agree with PP's you have a DH problem. He wants to pacify his DM at the expense of your time and effort. If he wants it so bad he can facilitate. You work 8.30 -5.00 why should your work be affected by his desire to make his DM happy? If she wants to see or spend time with your little one then she should be happy to collect her early from nursery once a week and the suggestion that she could have her overnight occasionally on those days is a really good one. It would give you a break and give her a longer period to spend with your DC. Otherwise there is no point in bending yourself backwards trying to fit in with her lifestyle simply to please her. This has to be something that is going to be good for all parties not just some.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2021 15:20

Nope. Your DH is behaving like a mummy's boy here; plus it interferes with his days not at all, whilst piling the stress and effort on to you. I would point this out to him ONCE, and from that point on rip him a new arsehole every time he suggested it again - because I expect he is not letting it go is he? What his mummy wants, his mummy gets.

If she really wants DD for one day a week, she needs to do the running around to make it happen. It sounds as if she just wants DD served up to her on a plate, and not even because she actually wants DD, it sounds as if she wants to impress her friends. Bollocks to that.

Your routine sounds good, and it works for you. If they want to make it work for MIL, they can do the work. You're not their skivvy.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 14/05/2021 15:22

My DD started this at 2 and and slept all night at my mother's, always has even when she has been having a terrible stretch of nights at home, she's now 4. My DS is 2 and is going to have a trial night at DM's soon too.
We don't have a set day for this and it's not every week so I think it makes it a lot less pressure for all of us, we still have the nursery days when we need them and everyone is happy.

Could you suggest it as a trial at least? Sell it as a nice full bonding experience.

Allwokedup · 14/05/2021 15:23

It’s your childcare it has to fully work around you. Not sure why this is a bad thing? Yanbu. Your compromise sounds like a good one.

Morred · 14/05/2021 15:26

Wouldn't it be lovely if both children got to see granny together and spend lovely time building their cousin bond? Get DH to suggest his sister comes and picks your DD and takes her to see MIL along with her cousin. At a time that fits in with both your work schedules (yours and his)

NigellaSeed · 14/05/2021 15:28

Yanbu - that's just a huge burden for you. Stick to your guns and have her pick up your DC early from nursery.

Also, it's your DHs DM, so I think it falls on him to tell her how it's gonna go.

Howshouldibehave · 14/05/2021 15:30

So this isn’t about childcare really, would she actually prefer a visit with the grandchild?

That sounds like a job for DH at the weekend!

Naunet · 14/05/2021 15:32

No, no, no! He doesn’t get to make this yet another woman’s problem. He needs to facilitate HIS child’s contact with HIS mother.

Horehound · 14/05/2021 15:33

Just fucking no. To all of this. It's insanity.
Get your DH to take DD to see him mum on the weekend. That gives you some free time, pacifies MIL and your DH can take on the task of facilitating it since he thinks it's so easy!
Do not concede op!

TheMerryWidow1 · 14/05/2021 15:35

when MIL has done it for a few weeks and gets bored, she will let you down, or have excuses she can't do it this week, which won't help you at all.

GreyStairs · 14/05/2021 15:37

@Fitforforty

Yanbu. Perhaps suggest MIL picks her from nursery and has her for one afternoon a week instead.

Or DH can do all the additional running around and childcare.

This is a great idea. You don’t have to change your hours and maybe she’ll hold onto her until you’re back as it’s a shorter time and you aren’t affected in anyway.

Fuck that to make life harder for yourself, with hours and driving an hour in the morning. Just no.

GreyStairs · 14/05/2021 15:37

And the having to waste half your holidays? Absolutely not. They are precious.

Twinkie01 · 14/05/2021 15:41

What's with the 9-5 business? Does she have some thing pressing to do from 5-9?

Morred · 14/05/2021 15:45

@Naunet

No, no, no! He doesn’t get to make this yet another woman’s problem. He needs to facilitate HIS child’s contact with HIS mother.

Yes, that's what I meant. HE can ask HIS sister about sorting out visits to THEIR mother. It's no worse than expecting his wife to facilitate it all!

Mellonsprite · 14/05/2021 15:46

I’m not surprised you don’t want to commit to spend your ‘mummy days’ in this way. It’s completely unreasonable to ask you to do this. My kids are all teens and I look back at the data I had off in the week with great fondness. Not fair to compare you to SAHM who has lots of free time to do this.
DH needs to stop suggesting things unless he is prepared to put himself out to facilitate them!

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