MIL & Childcare

[bicbub]

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

What they're proposing is bonkers. I doubt either of them would agree to this if they were the ones having to do it. It sounds like a fragile arrangement where you will end up more stressed and run ragged, for whose benefit...? It's what dh and mil want, sure, and your DD might benefit from the extra gran time, but YOU are the one paying the cost.

You need to step back from defending the logistics (they'll just push more workaround suggestions on you, workarounds that cost you time and stess). Just explain that isn't going to work out, but she can take DD out if nursery in some afternoons if she wants.

I honestly have no idea how your DH and mil have come up with this plan - do they have no clue about logistics ? (Serious question, maybe they think it's of no impact?)

If your DH has pressured you and he does understand the impact, it sounds like he just doesn't care. It's a really shitty thing to pressure you with.

His mum's happiness shouldn't come at massive cost to yours.

No, that sounds pointless and makes more hard work for you. I would suggest she picks her up from nursery and spends time with her until you collect.

Free childcare us supposed to help, not make life harder.
Just say no. Doesn't work for you.

In any transaction, there has to be something in it /beneficial for both parties. And there is nothing in this for you.
You have no gain at all and incomparably more stress.

As a working parent routine is crucial, you have your life planned so its up to MIL to make any accommodations necessary.

Different of course if OH was more able to accommodate the change, i.e. help out more/fetch and carry/clean/do lunches etc...etc

If your MIL wants it, and your DH wants it, then it's up to them to make it happen.

If I were you, my tactic would be to be relentlessly positive about the offer, how lovely it would be for MIL and DD, but also stick to you not being able to change your work hours.

They make it happen. Not you. Not your job.

Completely agree with the many posters who have told you not to do this so I won’t rehash all their very good points.

I’d just like to say I worked 4 long days for many years and my day off with my children was a wonderful experience and now a great memory. Even when they started school I was able to meet up with school friends and mums or do things just us. Our working and school lives were so frenetic that having that day was really special. Please don’t appease your MiL to your detriment. If your DH feels so strongly about his mother seeing your DC he can facilitate it at weekends.

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him.

So he's prefer that you take on more physical and mental load to facilitate this?!

I think MIL picking up DD up from early nursery one day a week is a great compromise, and means you still have the childcare available when MIL is on holiday etc.

Why can't MIL pick up dd at 8am and drop her off to you at 6pm?

Your mil and share as unreasonable as each other. Family childcare needs to work for the working parents (right hours, reliable) or it doesn’t work at all. I agree that either she picks up from nursery and brings home once a week (actually helpful) or your dh takes her over there for an afternoon eow so you get a bit of time to yourself while they hang out.

Dedicating your one day of mummy time each week to visiting mil! I would be fuming at the very suggestion that this was your job!

Why is this all on you?

Your current set up sounds well organised and you "mummy days" sound amazing.
I would not give those up under any circumstances.
They are young for so little time.
This is your little one and if you wanted to spend every spare second in her company, that is your right.

Just because your SAHM SIL visits MIL doesn't mean you owe her the same.

Your DH is a problem here though, as other posters have said. He should not be placing his mum's desires above your needs, wants or desires. He is expecting you to inconvenience yourself in ways in which he is either unable or unwilling to to do himself. Not cool.

You owe MIL no part of your day off. Your "mummy day" is yours. Don't give them up, you could even end up resenting DH if you do and that would be bad for your relationship.

How old is DD? Could she do an overnight with MIL? My DM has my daughter one night every other week or so, she will get her from nursery, keeps her overnight and then I pick her up after work the next day.
Would something like this work for you?

My dh doesn’t get to sacrifice my job to please his mum. I can see him thinking it would be nice, but he’s not stupid enough to suggest it. When did your dh last take dd to visit your parents? Or suggest he leave work early or take a day off to facilitate your mum seeing dd? It’s hard when you both work, adding extra pressure is too hard.

OP, reading your update I would avoid getting tangled up in any regular arrangement at all costs, whether it involves your day off, weekends, childcare, whatever. These things are really hard to break once established, and there will be huge mutual irritation and hurt feelings when it inevitably doesn't work out. By all means take DD to visit her sometimes, but make it by mutual convenience, not something fixed in stone.

You need to have a proper talk with your DH. The arrangement with SIL is irrelevant: she's presumably MIL's own daughter (?) so arranging to visit every week is completely different; she's a SAHM so presumably gets plenty of time to spend alone with her DC or meeting friends with them etc; and finally, it's her life and her arrangement, but that has nothing to do with you. You said you see MIL pretty much every week as it is. You are not being selfish to say no to a regular arrangement that you don't want.

She’s offering help without it being remotely helpful.

She absolutely has to fit in with your working hours.

9-5 didn’t work for you. Why can’t it just be 8-5.30?

@MusicWithRocksIn1t

How old is DD? Could she do an overnight with MIL? My DM has my daughter one night every other week or so, she will get her from nursery, keeps her overnight and then I pick her up after work the next day. Would something like this work for you?

She's 2.

I really like this idea, leisurely morning, get to work early, finish early and pick her up before rush hour.

Although I'm not sure MIL would be sold as DD doesn't consistently sleep through the night.

My mil looks after our ds a day a week and when she goes on holiday the nursery are happy to take him as a one off as long as I give them notice. It doesn't solve your other problems regarding timing though.

My dgs slept all night here but nowhere else!!
Worth a try maybe? Only if you are 100% comfortable and bear in mind you may be setting a habit you may not want long term.

Honestly Op this sounds a bit like my parents. Really wanted to take her - if we dropped her to them, and picked her up, and kept to hours that don't work.

I think you need to make clear to her that the only way to facilitate her having her that day would involve you both losing all your leave time together as a family, and totally disrupting your working day, so it isn't possible. Instead, focus on getting her to have some time with your DD - so, picking her up early. Could you suggest something like, she picks her up from creche for a half day on, say, every second Monday, takes her back to your house, then you and DH come home from work and you all have dinner together? She gets special granddaughter time, you can both count it as a 'visit' with her so frees up time on say a weekend. Maybe do it every second week? Going from infrequent contact to being tied in every week is also a lot less 'fun' than it seems. We chose not to go with regular grandparent care, they're our backup if she is sick (generally if she's not really sick but breaches one of their rules around having a temperature or vomiting once) and they have 'fun' visits and I' honestly glad as it keeps the relationship much more enjoyable.

Nope. Your husband doesn’t do pick ups and drop offs because of his hours. You can’t do this pick up and drop off because of your hours. If he wants it to happen badly enough, he facilitates it.

Sorry just re-read and saw MIL just doesn't want to do two round trips.

MIL made a comment to DH about how SIL, who is a SAHM, brings the GC to see her every Monday. And it would be nice if i went to same effort. So DH asked if I could do this on the 'mummy day', I said no, I'm happy to do it occasionally but not every week.

So she doesn't actually want to help you at all, this is about you visiting her so she can talk to her socialite friends about what a wonderful grandmother she is.

When my friend did this, her DM or DMiL picked up from nursery, took her DC overnight and they either picked her up in the evening after work the next day or sometimes DC would stay 2 nights and would be dropped off at nursery by whoever had her. Luckily friend had both available (they did alternate weeks) so could work round holidays as other parents would cover it.

It worked well for her. You could even have MiL have your DC the day before your day off so you just pick her up from there on the morning of day you have her.

So, Monday, Tues Wed at Nursery, MIL picks up on Wednesday, keeps DC Thursday and you either pick up thursday afternoon or Friday morning.

@Naunet

Nope. Your husband doesn’t do pick ups and drop offs because of his hours. You can’t do this pick up and drop off because of your hours. If he wants it to happen badly enough, he facilitates it.

This sums it up. You need your flex time for when dc is ill etc (my 2yo has missed 25% of childcare days this year so far due to them being very strict on coughs and colds, just kill me) or does dh plan to miraculously insist on flex time so he can cover those days when dc are home with a cold?

What a load of extra stress on you ,that you don’t need .
If your dh doesn’t tell her ,after you have explained everything,as you have to us ,then he is the problem,he’s trying to put his mum before his family

I wouldn’t entertain this idea for a minute. My
Mum had DS one day a week when she was at nursery and came to my house for 8am which was when I had to leave for work. She was helping us out not making my life harder!

Agree that either your DH sorts out flexi working to drop off at MIL’s if she really can’t come to your house or she does an afternoon nursery pick up.

Don’t let them push you around and make
Your life harder to keep them happy! This has annoyed me on your behalf!

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him

Umm, well your DH comes across like ‘we both decided to have a baby, but you have to fully work it around me’.

It’s not about what she wants though. It’s not up to her it’s your DC.. Sounds like she wants to dictate to you both when and how she sees her GC, and SIL obviously plays into that . If your DH wants this to happen I would ask him how he thinks it will work.....because he has to make it happen ( no wait ! He can’t because of his job! ) seems to me you have to carry out the mental load of parenting here.
I doubt she’d do the overnight thing if she is wanting to stick to 9-5:30 either.
Stick to your guns op, it sounds as though you don’t need this stress. And I’d say, pick up early on one day, so you can keep the day place for when she goes away.