Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL & Childcare

259 replies

bicbub · 14/05/2021 13:08

NC because I don't want to be outted. I don't want to drip feed so I'll try to give as much information as possible, sorry for the long post.

My DD is currently in nursery 4 days a week. The nursery is a 10minute walk away from home and then another 10 minutes to work. I drop her off at 8am and pick her up around 5.30pm. After I drop her off I go straight to work and spend 20 minutes chilling and eating my breakfast in the break room before logging on at 8.30am. My DH is unable to help with drop-offs or pick-ups because of his hours and commute.

MIL has asked DH if she can have DD one day a week. I trust her to have her and know DD will enjoy it. However, when I started talking to DH about the logistics it's become apparent that it's going to be a really pain in the arse for me.

MIL can have DD from 9am - 5pm, she's said we'll need to drop DD off at her house, but she'll drop her back at our house. However, she lives around 30 minutes away in the opposite direction from my work. This means that in the morning I'd need to leave the house at 8.30am then I'd get to work at around 9.30am, so starting over an hour late. Then in the afternoon I'd need to leave work at 4.40pm, finishing around 20minutes earlier in order to get home in time for her to drop her back at 5pm. I have flexi so can adjust my hours to make it work, but I'd need to make up the hours elsewhere by working an extra 30minutes on my other 3 days.

The main thing that's bugging me though is that all the additional stress to accommodate this 1 day a week is all going to fall onto me. I'll need to give DD breakfast, tidy up the breakfast, make her a packed lunch, sort her stuff for the day, then cook and give her dinner, plus do a 1hour+ round trip in rush hour for drop-off. I'd also have to give up my 20 minutes morning breakfast chill each morning and reduce my lunch break in order to make up the hours.

The other issue is that whenever my MIL is on holiday or visiting family abroad (about 8weeks a year) one of us would have to take the day off to look after DD, these 8 days are equivalent to 2 weeks/50% of my 4 week holiday allowance.

The cost of nursery and savings we'd make don't really make a difference to us, it's something we can afford and have factored into our finances. My DH is purely keen for it to happen as his mother would like to do it and he wants to make her happy.

So AIBU to tell DH & MIL that logistically it's not going to work and DD is going to remain in nursery 4 days a week?

OP posts:
RaspberryThief · 14/05/2021 13:42

No. It sounds like a huge pain for you. The ONLY reason I would consider it would be if you felt that DD would benefit so much from a grandma day instead of another nursery day that you would undertake the hassle for that reason.

I wouldn't necessarily be annoyed with MIL as she is probably not aware how much it would impact on you, but I would be annoyed with DH. You're currently taking 100% of the responsibility for all drop offs and pick ups to allow him to work. Which is fine if it works for your family. But it's not fine for him to start putting pressure on you to organise those drop offs and pick ups to suit him and his mother while taking no other part in them himself! If MIL is THAT bothered about regular time with her granddaughter then surely she can rearrange her busy social life at weekends to prioritise family time a bit more.

Mellonsprite · 14/05/2021 13:46

I think the timings just don’t work for you at all. You’ll end up adjusting your hours, losing the chill time, and making time up? If DH is keen to please his mum he needs to adjust his own timings, which seems like he can’t?
I’d thank her for her kind offer, but state that the timings don’t work.

BiddyPop · 14/05/2021 13:47

If it is as childcare, then it needs to work around your working needs. You need to be in the office 8:30-5:30. So DMIL needs to organise herself around that.

You have paid childcare in place that meets your working needs.

DMIL wants to replace that to have a fun day, but her option also needs to meet your needs. It is not a case that you are doing her a favour. You need childcare around your working needs.

So while you might need to drop the 20 minutes chill time on that day, that is absolutely the ONLY part of your current workday that should change.

And also remind her (and DH) that IF you were to do this, it effectively takes away all flexibility for you to have time off. You will need days for when DC is ill. But you also need to be able to have any appointments you take leave for normally, as well as organising family holidays etc. But if she is away that much in the year, it means the majority of your leave gets eaten up covering. The gaps in HER childcare provision - which is not the case if dc continues to do all 4 days in nursery. Does DMIL (and DH) realise that?!

In fact, it should be on DH, if he thinks it's such a great idea, to be the 1 to cover the gaps due to her being unavailable....how would that go down?

Roboticcarrot · 14/05/2021 13:50

DH isn't keen on this idea as it comes across as 'You can have her but only if you fully work around us'. And I kind of agree with him

What's the issue with that? She is the one that has asked if she can do a day a week, you didn't reach out and ask.

Mary46 · 14/05/2021 13:53

I wouldnt. You be the one chasing your tail. Just says office stricter now its set times. It end up more chaotic

Howshouldibehave · 14/05/2021 13:54

Your DH is the problem here. He wants to be seen as the lovely golden boy to make his mum happy, but doesn’t have to change one thing about his life in order to make it happen-it’s all on you!

GroovyClementine · 14/05/2021 13:55

Sod that noise.

You need to have a kind word with yourself.

Stop letting them dictate.

You are being too understanding and nice about this.

They both expect you to make your entire work week very much harder to please them...and you are considering it?

They are both bring very unreasonable.

If DH is so desperate to keep mummy happy, he can bloody well find a way to facilitate it himself.

You work full time too. His work needs have no priority over yours just because he has a commute. This is true even if he earns more or has a loftier job title.

Amongst other inconveniences, they think it reasonable that you cannot eat breakfast nor lunch in the week to facilitate MIL having the child one day per week. That's outrageous.

Stick up for yourself. You are not being nasty or unkind by saying no, you are just protecting your own health, both mental and physical. What they are asking of you would most likely take a heavy toll on you before long and once you give in to them, it will be much more difficult to stop it.

Just say no.

You are allowed to say no.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2021 13:56

Too much faff for you. Unless your DH is going to step up - which it would seem he isn’t/can’t, then say No

motherloaded · 14/05/2021 13:57

Why on earth would you mess up your own life?

It brings nothing to you.

It brings nothing to your child who must be settled and happy in nursery.

Your MIL is free to take your child at the weekend occasionally so you have free time, your child is having a fun day..

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/05/2021 13:57

Just say no! Your nursery and commute sounds ideal.

TidyDancer · 14/05/2021 14:00

I would say yes, but only if DH facilitates this. It's going to massively inconvenience you so it's a no if you have to change things up. This is all on your DH and MIL to sort out. If they can't, it's an obvious no.

KM38 · 14/05/2021 14:05

Far too much hassle for you @bicbub 😳 can MIL take her for the full day but at your house? Is there a reason she can’t be there early enough for you leaving for work? That way she’s still only doing one round trip, and your DD has all her stuff without you having to pack everything up each week etc.

Or I would suggest MIL picking her up early one day from nursery and that way her place is held. I would worry about her having to cancel last minute etc due to illness or whatever so keeping a space open the days you need in nursery might be wise!

rainyskylight · 14/05/2021 14:07

Yanbu - stand your ground!!!

katy1213 · 14/05/2021 14:08

Why is this a problem? You just say no.

justasking111 · 14/05/2021 14:08

No it does not work does it. as a MIL myself. I do more now they are at school, picking them up and keeping them until parents get home, I did not interfere with nursery hours at all unless they were poorly and needed to be collected. I would not expect you to put out your employer or have to mess with your hours.

Original poster
bicbub · 14/05/2021 14:08

@Morred

What about the one day a week DD isn't in nursery - do you (or DH?) have that as a day off with DD? Might it be easier logistically if MIL saw DD on that day? Not all day every week, but you could arrange a morning or an afternoon which you could use to do something nice or catch up on jobs so you have the whole weekend free with DH and DD.
This is where the drip feed comes Confused

I get one day off a week with DD and usually ram this day with seeing friends and doing something nice together. My DD calls it her 'mummy day' and it's the highlight of my week.

MIL made a comment to DH about how SIL, who is a SAHM, brings the GC to see her every Monday. And it would be nice if i went to same effort. So DH asked if I could do this on the 'mummy day', I said no, I'm happy to do it occasionally but not every week.

So then the offer of having her on a work day came about. So this would be the second 'no' to us accommodating her seeing DD at a regularly time once a week.

I don't feel like we keep her from DD. We see each other most weekends for a couple of hours, and we video call twice a week.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 14/05/2021 14:09

I think she is trying to be "Disney Granny". It's genuinely lovely that she wants to spend time with your dc, but that shouldn't make your life harder. Also she might change her mind after a few weeks when you've given up dc's day at nursery & cannot get it back.

Rather than a set day per week and upsetting current working arrangements, would ad hoc days work?
i.e. Granny saw the weather on Thursday is going to be lovely and her friend Janet is going to x for the day with her gc and has invited Granny and dc. Ok granny that's lovely but due to my working hours this means I will have to drop off dc to you at (my suitable time) and you will have to stay with dc until (my suitable time), whether that's at granny's house or my house. I will let nursery know that dc won't be in that day.

You only have a bit of hassle for the odd day. Your usual routine and nursery days mostly stay in place, MiL gets to be fun Granny and can boast to her friends, and no annual leave nightmare when it comes to Granny going on holiday numerous weeks of the year.

TeamMummy · 14/05/2021 14:11

Your current setup sounds very good. I would say the if the mil wants to have dd then she needs to pick dd up and drop off to suit you, not her

Otherwise, it's a no

EL8888 · 14/05/2021 14:12

Another no here. It’s a lot of hassle and it doesn’t make much sense overall. If your husband thinks it’s such a great idea then he can make it happen, if he can’t then it’s a no. Your current set up sounds like it’s working well

We need to invent a phrase to describe this. My exh used to come up with “great ideas”, which usually meant lots of hassle for me and no impact or effort for him Confused

Allthereindeersaregirls · 14/05/2021 14:12

We had to knock my mum having DC for a day a week. It's was nice for their relationship but so much extra stress for DH and I. Paid, professional childcare is just easier, and thankfully we'd budgeted for it.

Added bonus is my much is much happier having the DC for the weekend or evening.

DungeonKeeper · 14/05/2021 14:13

Don’t forget it’s not just her going on holiday, you need to think about, if she’s ill and can’t provide childcare you’ll also have to take time off. Or if she randomly decides to do something else.

Unanananana · 14/05/2021 14:13

@RaspberryThief

No. It sounds like a huge pain for you. The ONLY reason I would consider it would be if you felt that DD would benefit so much from a grandma day instead of another nursery day that you would undertake the hassle for that reason.

I wouldn't necessarily be annoyed with MIL as she is probably not aware how much it would impact on you, but I would be annoyed with DH. You're currently taking 100% of the responsibility for all drop offs and pick ups to allow him to work. Which is fine if it works for your family. But it's not fine for him to start putting pressure on you to organise those drop offs and pick ups to suit him and his mother while taking no other part in them himself! If MIL is THAT bothered about regular time with her granddaughter then surely she can rearrange her busy social life at weekends to prioritise family time a bit more.

This in spades. You have a bigger DH problem than MIL. He needs to faciliitate all transport and takes days off for days when MIL decides she can't have your DD after all. Don't allow them to talk you round.

Your routine and lovely 'mummy days' sound like they suit you all. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

DeciduousPerennial · 14/05/2021 14:15

Oh, balls to that for a game of soldiers (the original request, and the whole ‘SIL brings her child every week on a set day why can’t you use your non-working day to do the same’ bullshit).

She either covers the whole day so you don’t have to do any farting about, and does it properly with an understanding that it’s childcare that WILL have an impact if she lets you down because you, you know, HAVE JOBS, or she doesn’t do it.

And tell your DH to get a grip and use the word no to his mother sometimes. She clearly needs it.

Notaroadrunner · 14/05/2021 14:16

Your Dh needs a kick up the hole tbh. How dare he suggest you will spend your one day off with his mother? Let him bring dd over to see her on the weekend. From now on ignore any requests and suggestions that affect your time. If Dh wants to amend his hours to suit his mother's demands then let him.

MargosKaftan · 14/05/2021 14:17

So to confirm, your DH would like you to change your work hours, or give up your one day alone with dd, rather than him change his work hours or give up some weekend time to take his dd to his mother's house, and won't just say no to his mum?

Tell him the childcare you have in place works for you. The day off you have is booked. Its his mother, he should take dd to his mums and him spend some time with his own mother, so you get thr house to yourself for a few hours. (Don't you dare spend it cleaning!).

If he doesn't want to give up his free time to see his mother, then why should you?