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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to provide lunch?

197 replies

MadamMagda · 14/05/2021 09:31

Family member provides free childcare two days a week. Three hours each day. They pick DC up from Nursery at 12 and look after them until I get home at 3. This has only been happening a month and will only be until the end of August.

To start with, I didn't provide anything specific for lunch and family member would rustle up something for lunch from the fridge or freezer. Family member has a few mobility problems and was finding it difficult to bend and use the oven, etc. And also didn't want to be cooking lunch every time. So, I started getting in some easy lunches. Today I have nothing in so nipped to the shop. All they had was one of those dairylea lunchables so I got that for DC and a couple of other things. I did look to see if I could get something for family member too but there wasn't anything they would have liked.

Now, I feel like they might moan about this or think I've been rude. But, usually they don't eat lunch anyway when they are home by themselves. Though, when here they would occasionally join and have lunch with DC. But is it bad that I sort lunch for my DC but nothing for family member?

I'm quite unorganised in regards to food shopping and sorting lunches.

OP posts:

Lizziespring · 16/05/2021 06:25

I'd be quite upset if I were the person who's looking after your children. Perhaps ask her what she likes best and make sure it's in the cupboard for her for her next childcare stint, with a nice card saying how much you appreciate her. I looked after a neighbour's child for free for several years. I loved the child but because of my goodwill being taken for granted in a similar way, ended up not liking her mother much at all.

jontyl · 16/05/2021 06:43

You went to a shop and they didn't have anything other than dairylee lunchables. Weird. What sort of shop was it?

DeathStare · 16/05/2021 06:55

Get in a pack of whatever your mum likes on a sandwich. Add it to your regular food shop. Tell her it's there for her. Problem solved with no real effort

Bengal12 · 16/05/2021 07:01

‘You went to a shop and they didn't have anything other than dairylee lunvvtchables. Weird. What sort of shop was it?’
That! If they stock these (nutritional value
if exactly zero, btw), then they are bound to have sandwiches or salads?
And yes, I would definitely offer some lunch to the relative when they are at your place and send my child with lunch to theirs.
Don’t beat yourself up but get organised gooig forward.
If you're short for time, perhaps give a loaf of bread, butter, cheese, ham etc + some fruit to them on Monday so they have things available?

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2021 07:05

@Wannakisstheteacher

Today 09:40 PurpleDaisies

Free childcare with mobility issues and you can’t be bothered to organise yourself enough to provide them with a lunch they like?
Have a conversation with them about what they would like and provide that. It’s much cheaper than paying for actual childcare.

this. You are coming across as an absolute freeloader.

This, add in that it’s at your house and it’s pretty awful! Even if they don’t usually eat lunch they might need lunch more than usual the days they are looking after a toddler, not a low energy activity. Take 20 mins out of your day, think I could be stuck in traffic frantically trying to get dc to daycare in time for me to get to work on time, then do the same again in the evening, I’m putting 20 mins of that time to a decent lunch for dc, family member and perhaps you.

Caspianberg · 16/05/2021 07:22

Isn’t the easiest thing just to ask her what she does like?

I would add some individual ready made quiches and couple of fresh cartons of soup each week to shop. They last fine, so if she doesn’t eat one week you can eat yourself another lunchtime. Have a few yogurts/ fruit/ tea/ coffee in she likes

What does your child like to eat? Again just buy the easy versions your mother can heat up or just serve without much prep.
Something like pesto pasta with veg is quick for you to prep night before if he eats and she can heat in a min in microwave.

I really couldn’t ever leave someone at my home without sufficient things they like to eat whether they were providing childcare or not. If family or friends visit, I always check if there’s something they like or don’t like so I can make sure there’s basics in for them

longwayoff · 16/05/2021 07:28

Blimey. How about asking your relative and childminder what she wants? I expect she knows better than anyone on here. By the way, a 'lunchable' is not a meal.

AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 16/05/2021 07:32

I always gave food to my MIL when she had DS, then I found out she thought I didn't trust her cooking, which I did.. I just thought I was making it easier for her.

Now, she has a niece that's he minds at the same time she really appreciates me making lunch in advance.

Della1 · 16/05/2021 07:56

The least you can do is make a lunch in advance for your child and have some some nice lunch stuff in for your relative to show your appreciation.

rainbowstardrops · 16/05/2021 08:07

I'm glad you've realised how unreasonable you've been because your mum sounds like a gem.
You should definitely pay her petrol money, make sure you have things in that she likes and buy her something at least once a month ...... flowers/chocolates/whatever she's into.
Otherwise you really are being cheeky.

midnightstar66 · 16/05/2021 08:47

Pick up a packet of crackers and some ham, you already have the cheese This way you have something far tastier than a lunchable (yuk have you ever tasted those things) that both dc and relative can enjoy at a fraction of the price. Chop up some cucumber and pepper to go with and leave in the fridge. Cook the pizza in advance and pop in fridge to be eaten cold with some extra. To answer though yes YABU to not provide something ready made or incredibly simple for both especially given the mobility issues

Whythesadface · 16/05/2021 09:41

If you work it at 35mpg and work out how much petrol she has used since she started this favour for you, I'd then give her that money, do it each week after that.
Tell her how much you value her , and that she needs to accept that she should not be out of pocket.
If she won't accept it and can afford the money, which some mum's can, could you pay for an outting for everyone once a month.

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 10:01

Have you a toasty machine?

You could make a nice sandwich the night before and cling film it, ready for her to heat.

Most children love a toasty.
When mine were small they loved a ham and cheese one and a nutella half one for a treat.

FeelVeryAwkward · 16/05/2021 10:15

If you work it at 35mpg and work out how much petrol she has used since she started this favour for you, I'd then give her that money, do it each week after that

Yes especially if she is driving an hour each way to save you a fortune on childcare fees! Wow what a lovely woman your mum is,

I wouldn't leave it till august to get her somthing either, do it now.

I'd be providing her dinner whenever she was at mine too, especially with her driving for an hour and looking after my child for free. She spends 4 hours driving each week and 6 hours looking after your DC, that's 10 hours of her week she gives up to help her daughter, how nice is that?

Definetly help with her petrol costs OP, shes clearly going out of her way to help if the journey is over an hour

midnightstar66 · 16/05/2021 10:21

Nutella toastie - why am I just learning about this now, aged 41 😳

BritWifeinUSA · 16/05/2021 15:45

I don’t understand how you had no food in the house for your child and had to nip to the shop and get a box of processed junk (aka a lunchable). When you did your weekly shop did you somehow forget you have a child who needs lunches all week? And the child certainly has strange eating habits if there is a “freezer full of food” but he won’t eat any of it, just a salt-laden lunchable.

Start making a shopping list when you do the shopping and put things on for your child’s lunches. Those boxes are awful.

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 16:00

@midnightstar66

Nutella toastie - why am I just learning about this now, aged 41 😳

15 years later that they still love it.

With good bread it's delicious and not too bad.

As an energy one I spread almond butter on one slice, top with sliced banana, spead nutella on the other slice and into the toasty.

Gorgeous, filling and great before my girls head off to matches.

I've been known to toast one and wrap it in tinfoil and bring to a child doing an activity with a flask of tea on a cold day to keep their strength up.🤣
Heavenly!

Daphnise · 16/05/2021 16:55

Don't leave them anything- you clearly like getting things for free, and are too "disorganised" (tight?) to buy food.

Leave the heating off too, and ask them to bring their own soap and towel for hand washing. (In cold water of course).

woodhill · 16/05/2021 17:10

@Caspianberg

Isn’t the easiest thing just to ask her what she does like?

So would I or make home made soup for her and plenty of fruit

midnightstar66 · 16/05/2021 17:13

@billy1966 I'd never ever thought to do sweet toasties. Great idea!

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 17:20

It was an easy way to avoid treats as it is a treat.
Funny non of my children's friends had ever heard of it.
I'm famous for my toasties with my children's friend's when they would come over after school.

It's one of the most used pieces of equipment in the house.
When my children were younger I had the monster George Foreman that could do 6 toasties at once.
It was like a conveyor belt during the school holidays🤣

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 17:21

Peanut butter, banana and honey was another hit with them.

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