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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to provide lunch?

197 replies

MadamMagda · 14/05/2021 09:31

Family member provides free childcare two days a week. Three hours each day. They pick DC up from Nursery at 12 and look after them until I get home at 3. This has only been happening a month and will only be until the end of August.

To start with, I didn't provide anything specific for lunch and family member would rustle up something for lunch from the fridge or freezer. Family member has a few mobility problems and was finding it difficult to bend and use the oven, etc. And also didn't want to be cooking lunch every time. So, I started getting in some easy lunches. Today I have nothing in so nipped to the shop. All they had was one of those dairylea lunchables so I got that for DC and a couple of other things. I did look to see if I could get something for family member too but there wasn't anything they would have liked.

Now, I feel like they might moan about this or think I've been rude. But, usually they don't eat lunch anyway when they are home by themselves. Though, when here they would occasionally join and have lunch with DC. But is it bad that I sort lunch for my DC but nothing for family member?

I'm quite unorganised in regards to food shopping and sorting lunches.

OP posts:
Sacreblue · 14/05/2021 10:57

I agree with PP, ask your relative what they would like to eat and have it in. Appetite can lessen with age (though I’m still waiting on that kicking in 😆) so they mightn’t want to cook/reheat something too substantial in case its ‘wasted’.

If they like fruit maybe some packs of small oranges/apples/pears/berries that they and the kids can share, bread & cheese (you already have), crackers & a spread they like that the kids would eat too, and at least a little bit of protein like plain ham or chicken chopped up (you can keep one breast of chicken back from a family meal and cook it without any added sauces) Again that would be easy for them to take what they and the child will eat, no cooking or prep or waste.

If the arrangement is lasting until August even a couple of days a week is a lot of childcare, with or without mobility issue, to do while missing a meal.

And it will help you in the long run to get used to prepping a more nutritionally balanced lunch now because you will need to be doing that for your child too, in increasing amounts as they grow into nursery/school.

Tal45 · 14/05/2021 10:57

Why don't you just apologise and ask if there's anything they'd like you to get in for them in future. You kind of make it sound like you're the one doing the favour. It's not clear if you're paying them or not though.

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2021 10:59

Make sure there's soup, bread, cheese,ham and fruit. Its only lunch so nothing fancy.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/05/2021 11:05

I think YABU considering they're doing you a massive favour for free, the least you could do is provide some lunch for them

cupoftea2021 · 14/05/2021 11:06

@arethereanyleftatall

I think a nice thing for you to do, to show them your appreciation, is to provide them with a ready made lunch every day.
Agree. Ask them what they like or would like Free childcare is a luxury
Original poster
MadamMagda · 14/05/2021 11:12

@user1493494961

It seems like it's a cheese sandwich or nothing.
Sandwich wise yes and they don't like cheese sandwiches.
OP posts:
Original poster
MadamMagda · 14/05/2021 11:13

Relative is not an in law. I am not paying them. And they are 50s.

OP posts:
PegPeople · 14/05/2021 11:14

Sandwich wise yes and they don't like cheese sandwiches.

So why is it such an imposition to get in some ham or chicken or anything else. Surely even buying a pre made ham sandwich is better than providing nothing and still significantly cheaper than paying for childcare.

DancesWithTortoises · 14/05/2021 11:14

You really should provide lunch - they are doing you a huge favour without charge.

Jaxhog · 14/05/2021 11:17

Wow, that sounds pretty mean!

I have a friend who occasionally cat-sits for me. I fill the fridge with food I know she likes. Seems like the least I can do.

JustLyra · 14/05/2021 11:18

@MadamMagda

Relative is not an in law. I am not paying them. And they are 50s.
So buying them some stuff they like for sandwiches is hardly a big ask then is it?
Whythesadface · 14/05/2021 11:19

I think the fact your not paying, means your saving a lot of money.
Can you not just add stuff to your normal shop, and make plates up for your children to have each day?
As to the person, do they eat frozen meals? That you could just buy and leave in the freezer, so they know it's there if they want it?

Dixiechickonhols · 14/05/2021 11:20

Even without mobility issues expecting them to rummage in cupboards is off, they might be worried you have the food earmarked for later, not know where cheese grater is etc. It’s hard work cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen. Relative is doing you a big favour. They are collecting child and caring for them. Even without mobility issues I’d make sure something ready for lunch in fridge or baked potatoes ready in slow cooker etc. Even if child doesn’t do sandwiches you could do a lunchbox for them. Ask relative what they would like. Then 2 of them can eat together. Perhaps watch some TV and then you are back. I’d be doing everything I could to make it easy for them.

PurpleDaisies · 14/05/2021 11:21

So saying you’ve got cheese in is pretty irrelevant if they don’t eat it.

jaguarsearlobes · 14/05/2021 11:22

It seems like it's a cheese sandwich or nothing

Sandwich wise yes and they don't like cheese sandwiches

So there isn't anything lunch-wise they would be able to eat then? Confused Hmm

roguetomato · 14/05/2021 11:24

If you know they like sandwich but not cheese sandwich, why can't you get something they like?
I really think you are ungrateful.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 11:26

Yeah that’s tight op. Still not sure this isn’t a reverse. Who’d admit to behaving this way and expecting the person doing a huge favour to bring a packed lunch or go hungry.

Goatsgetmygoat · 14/05/2021 11:26

I’d be so embarrassed! My DM looks after my youngest once a week and I leave 2 small plates of spaghetti Bolognese on the side so all she has to do is pop it in the micro for them both, a yogurt and a piece of fruit each.

lydia2021 · 14/05/2021 11:27

Good Grief... I have been there with this scenario. Always available to help with kids. No help in return. How about you take this kind person shopping once a week and help her get in some food. Mobility issues, and you think she could maybe cook a meal lunchtime. Poor lady must be in pain, but doesnt burden you with it. I wish people would think before they only use us for their needs. Start with flowers for her so she knows shes appreciated for free childcare

countrygirl99 · 14/05/2021 11:30

At your house, for free, over lunchtime - I don't get why you are even asking. Of course you ask what they would like you to get in. Being disorganised is a pathetic excuse. If you aren't careful you will find yourself having to organise paid for childcare.

turnthebiglightoff · 14/05/2021 11:35

YABU. Get organised. Free childcare, FFS!! I'd have lunch made and ready.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2021 11:36

I will never understand this 'family member ' thing.

It won't out you if you just say Mum or brother or whatever

ralphi · 14/05/2021 11:36

I think you should really provide a proper lunch for both of them. This is a relative of yours who is providing free childcare, and it is very impolite not to at least give them lunch. Ideally you should make something for both of them that can be microwaved.

Not sure that a lunchable is really enough for a child for lunch, and if the child is then difficult because he / she is hungry, that is making unnecessary work for your relative, who is doing you a massive favour.

Livpool · 14/05/2021 11:37

YABU as it is in your house. Stuff to make a sandwich is ok but you need to provide a few more things. Or, as PP have mentioned, when you cook a family meal, make an extra portion for them that could be warmed in the microwave.

ralphi · 14/05/2021 11:37

and it shouldn't need to be said that you should also buy the relative a present of some kind in August as a thank you....

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