My husband wants a football season ticket, but I feel like this will put the burden of childcare even further on me.

[Rosebell100]

When I met my husband he was a committed long-term season ticket holder, and although it often meant arranging social plans around football fixtures this didn’t bother me too much. We then moved to London and he gave up his season ticket as it was just too far way to be able to go regularly. 7 years on, we’re now moving back and he desperately wants a season ticket. The reality is 23 matches where he will be out of the house mostly on a Saturday for approx 5.5 hours when you factor in travel there and back. We have a two-year son with suspected autism, and this will mean I spend most of Saturdays looking after DS alone. This comes on top of being the main caregiver all week with my DH regularly having to commute to London.
He says I could have the same amount of time to myself on the Sundays, but the reality is I won’t or, my child free time will default to cleaning the house. And if I did do that, we’d never spend time as a family, and that feels unfair on my son too.
I am all for DH going to matches occasionally, as and when he can, but a season ticket is too much of commitment while life is this hard. Am I being unreasonable?

@Wearywithteens

What’s with all cool girlz finding no problem with a partner fucking off most Saturdays to watch a football game leaving his partner to deal with a potentially challenging toddler? Yes, of course a grown adult can do what they like, but morally, as a partner and a father, what he is proposing is utterly selfish and a dick move. The fact that he was ‘football mad’ when you met is irrelevant - there is a time and place for season passes and he needs to grow up and realise it’s not now.

But it's not most Saturdays though, is it? It's 23 days a year, which includes Saturdays. That's not even half the year. Plus the OP has been told by her DH he will take the DC the same amount of time. I don't get all the women being absolute martyrs who spend no time developing hobbies and interests who then expect their partners to be equally as miserable as them.

Oh the old cool girls insult. Nothing cool about a couple being sensible enough to both manage time alone, time together and running a household. Its called compromise partnership and being and adult. Any bloke 'allowing' his partner 5 hours a week for less than half the year would be described as controlling not a cool dude.

I'd agree to the season ticket, we all need downtime and I'm be fuming if my dh said I couldn't do my hobby.

But, and it's a big but, I'd certainly find the time to do my own thing on a weekend, or I'd arrange a weeks holiday with the girls, or long weekends away with friends / family, to match the number of days he gets free. You also need downtime too and it would also do you good to get away from the house

My husband played cricket before me met, and carried on when our kids were little. This meant that he would usually spend all of Saturday morning sorting his kit (which he'd been too lazy to was the week before), then he'd be off at about 12, playing cricket until at least 7 and then off to the pub. Plus a couple of nights per week of cricket practise during the summer, too. And the occasional Sunday game or Sunday of doing jobs at the cricket ground.

I got sick of having to parent alone all day every Saturday and also sick of never being able to do anything for myself on a Saturday such as meet with friends or go out.

What I started doing was taking for myself each week however long DH took for himself. I started heading out on Sundays. If he'd spent the morning before sorting his kit and leaving the kids to me, I'd go out first thing on the Sunday. If the cricket game had gone on late or he'd headed off to the pub until 10pm then I'd go to the cinema alone on the Sunday evening. Basically I let him see what it was like when your other half just dumped you with the kids and assumed you'd be default childcare and just headed out. Also, if he had evening practise, I'd then claim the following weekday evening for myself and again head out, to the gym or with friends, leaving him to sort the kids tea, bath time etc. There would also be occasions when he'd be in very long, cricket related phone calls with team mates, so after those I'd just down tools and go off upstairs and sit on our bed watching tv and reading a book, for equal time that he'd been on the phone and assumed I'd look after the kids.

He seemed to think I was very unreasonable doing this but after a while he did scale back on the cricket a lot, and just played occasionally.

If you feel your DH is taking the piss I would highly recommend this approach.

@Aprilwasverywet

Personally I love having my dc alone!! Why don't you op?

🙄

@Mistressinthetulips

but you do realise the five minutes here, five minutes there add up What do they add up to, motherland? A trip to the cinema? Training for a half marathon? My point is they are things you do while doing something else or waiting for something else, and while minding someone. If you chose not to do that it wouldn't magically mean there was time for a different hobby. OP needs to prepare not only for half their Saturdays in football season being spent alone, but having the dates when she gets to have her "hobby" time or indeed family time entirely fixed. She might not mind with a lo, but with one with a sports club or a series of birthday parties to attend it gets a bit more irritating. And always the sense that your free time comes second to the one with the season ticket.

They add up to plenty of time to get the housework done in 5 minute bursts (and we all know it's not really 5 min, it's more like 15 min plus), which would mean OP needn't feel obliged to use the time DH has offered her at weekend to clean which she absolutely doesn't need to do anyway

If I go on my phone while feeding a baby or stirring the dinner waiting for the iron to heat up then no, I absolutely won't be able to use those times to do other housework.
That hour I spent on tiktok on the other hand, could have been put to better use

YANBU at all. When he had one in the past he didn’t have the responsibility of a child, now he does he just can’t give up most weekends to watch football.

Could you compromise? Allow (lol as if a grown person needs permission) DH to have a season ticket, but in return ask that he pay for a cleaner for the house. That way, you can have reliably have your 5.5 hours on a Sunday, and spend the rest of Sunday as family time.

I’m really surprised by this vote!

Imagine if it was the other way round...

I had a hobby that I loved before I met my DH. Life took over, we moved away and had a DC. We’ve now moved back to where we used to live and I’d really like to restart the hobby. It takes up 5.5hours on a Saturday, but it’s not every Saturday, just roughly every other Saturday. My DH is concerned about looking after DC on his own. I’ve offered to give him a break of the same length on the Sunday, but he doesn’t want the break. He says I can’t restart the hobby as it’s not fair on them.

Surely that way round posters would be more supportive of the OP?

@NewMatress

For me, this is simple. He has the season ticket and takes DC with him. Most clubs offer very cheap season tickets for under 11s. Mine came with me from about a year old, except for the few weeks a year when the weather was very cold, when it was DH's turn to have them.

I don't understand MN and football. If you want an equivalent hobby, (terribly time consuming at c. 3hours 23 times a year) get one.

Dc is a special needs 2yo. Taking them to the footy might be sheer torture to dc and extremely difficult for the dh.

@BobLemon

I’m really surprised by this vote!

Imagine if it was the other way round...

I had a hobby that I loved before I met my DH. Life took over, we moved away and had a DC. We’ve now moved back to where we used to live and I’d really like to restart the hobby. It takes up 5.5hours on a Saturday, but it’s not every Saturday, just roughly every other Saturday. My DH is concerned about looking after DC on his own. I’ve offered to give him a break of the same length on the Sunday, but he doesn’t want the break. He says I can’t restart the hobby as it’s not fair on them.

Surely that way round posters would be more supportive of the OP?

Totally agree!!

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Oh the old cool girls insult. Nothing cool about a couple being sensible enough to both manage time alone, time together and running a household. Its called compromise partnership and being and adult. Any bloke 'allowing' his partner 5 hours a week for less than half the year would be described as controlling not a cool dude.

Exactly.

@Wearywithteens

What’s with all cool girlz finding no problem with a partner fucking off most Saturdays to watch a football game leaving his partner to deal with a potentially challenging toddler? Yes, of course a grown adult can do what they like, but morally, as a partner and a father, what he is proposing is utterly selfish and a dick move. The fact that he was ‘football mad’ when you met is irrelevant - there is a time and place for season passes and he needs to grow up and realise it’s not now.

Is my DH a cool guy as I have a hobby most weekends and an evening a week?

@timeisnotaline it's difficult enough with a child that age who has no SN. I've seen it at games myself. The iPad had to come out to amuse one child, even before his dad scored a goal!!

@newnortherner111 yes my dh has not exactly been offering to take our 2yo! The 5yo could go, but would still be annoying - he’d love it but wouldn’t ask him to do every week.

5.5 hours isn't all day. He can do childcare in the morning. You do the 12 till 5.30 slot (adjust per match time) he comes back and does tea and bed.
Sundays is family time.
So yes YABU. I would be very resentful of my partner if I didn't get any me time and 5.5 hours seems reasonable. I'm assuming he doesn't do much during the week. If he does then again he needs to step up and do the childcare on another night so that you can do your own thing.
It will be good for your DC too to know that Daddy is equally capable and happy to look after them.

Why can't he go to the home matches and then the other Saturdays you do something? Sundays stay as family days.

I should imagine 23 matches is the home matches.

Sorry I haven't voted. What's a reasonable age to start taking children to the football?

@PermanentTemporary their 2yo is being investigated for autism. He may still not go to the football at 10, or 16. We have no idea, but the usual age you would take a NT child (which is 5 or 6 for maybe once a month games in my opinion) could easily not be relevant.

I wouldn’t be delighted about it - not with a toddler with suspected SN.

I don’t think OP has said whether she works PT and FT or at all, but if she works full time then housework may need to be done at the weekend - it’s not being a martyr, but not everyone is a SAHM who can ‘get stuff done’ during the week and leave the weekend free for hobbies and family time.

And assuming her DH works FT and only spends two days a week with his son, I personally think 5.5 hours nearly half of the Saturdays in a year is a lot. Given your typical toddler is only awake for about 12 hours, it’s nearly 25% of the weekend time her DH will spend with him in any one year.

If OP works full time then the housework is presumably shared.

12.5%
The matches are half the toddlers wake time on half the weekend days for half the year.

Why is a two hour football match draining 5.5 hours of time?! I spend 3 hrs at the game including travel. If the travel is over an hour each way, I'd argue you're really not near enough to justify the season ticket. (and if he's including pre/post game beers in the time then that's a whole other question...).

This ^

I know several folk who are season ticket holders, and 3.5 hours is generally how long they are out the house. 4 at a pinch. If travel is taking longer than that, then it isn't really practical.

I don't understand anyone begrudging their partner a hobby, just because they don't have one, or are not willing to find something that they enjoy doing. Why on earth would you spend it cleaning ?