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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feel horny by my husbands requests?

154 replies

sparedblushes · 15/11/2007 20:39

ok, my friend is a Mumsnetter and has persuaded me to confide in this site as she said you would all find it interesting and may come up with a solution.

my dh has always had a strange way of lovemaking. He calls his penis 'Tarzan' and my vagina is 'Muffy'.

i was ok with that, but then he started talking directly to Muffy, pretending that his Tarzan was having a conversation with Muffy. This seemed to excite him and i thought I should pretend to like it too. Only now he really does think i get turned on by this and has taken it a step too far.

The other night he took Tarzan out and I saw to my horror that he had stuck a pair of eyes on it. I pretended to be pleasantly surprised as I didn't know how else to react; now I wonder what else is in store, have I only myself to blame for not telling him that I don't get turned on by it, or am i being unreasonable in telling him the truth?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 21:46

Terribly sorry Habbibu - am also reflecting on how those fingerbobs were really very fragile and could in no way endure the type of environment that sparedblushes might introduce them to....

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 21:47

Oh Doodle - that's tragic. But not as tragic as your DH's tangerine shirt

Nice butt though.

Original poster
sparedblushes · 15/11/2007 21:50

poor dh now has you lot laughing at him

OP posts:
hayCHingleBells · 15/11/2007 21:51

It IS a wind-up, isnt it!

Doodledootoo · 15/11/2007 21:52

Message withdrawn

fortyplus · 15/11/2007 21:52

Hang on...

'no, he wants to get his fingers involved as characters in his play.

If i laugh it would really really hurt his feelings though wouldn't it? He's not a confident man and has been laughed at before in previous relationships.'

I WONDER WHY????

I haven't ROFL so much in a long time - once I thought that this may be genuine the thought of a grown man dressing up his penis and 'muff diving' into the jungle is HYSTERICAL

If you wish to continue with this relationship it's time to tell him that 99% of women would find his behaviour bizarre, unpleasant, disturbing or FUNNY!

fortyplus · 15/11/2007 21:54

By sparedblushes on Thu 15-Nov-07 21:50:40
poor dh now has you lot laughing at him

YES, that's right... this is going to be all over the internet tomorrow!

Well done you for having such a great imagination - what a fantastic wind-up!

Doodledootoo · 15/11/2007 21:54

Message withdrawn

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 21:55

Terribly sorry Doodle - did your DH watch Skinny and Hosannah tonight?! They are deffo brewing a pair of Littlewoods wonderpants for menfolk I fear....

Spared - did your DH perchance go and see 'Puppetry of the Penis' on their last tour? They were verrrry inspirational.

morningpaper · 15/11/2007 21:55

Don't worry sparedblushes

I'm going to delete the internet before I go to bed

hayCHingleBells · 15/11/2007 21:56

I so thought it was serious, for too long. I always get sucked in to these.
Sooo stupid.

Note to self, dont trust mn after 9pm watershed.

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 21:57

Oh that's the answer - he's just waiting for you to throw your voice to your fanjo region and shout 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' - then the whole nightmare will be over!!!!

hayCHingleBells · 15/11/2007 21:58

morningsloopfloop

Suits you MP

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 22:00

I must say I was unconvinced by the whole "thursday night is comedy night' thang, but having BB2 on in the background with MN as the main attraction has proved most amusing. And now to bed....

Original poster
sparedblushes · 15/11/2007 22:01

well my friend made snorting noises and said that you would be better placed to advise.

My dh would never see this, I nearly set up the account in my real name Rachel but my friend stopped me in time.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 22:02

Rachel??

Original poster
sparedblushes · 15/11/2007 22:02

Oh no!

OP posts:
Doodledootoo · 15/11/2007 22:03

Message withdrawn

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 22:04

No that's not enough to out you to the world - photo?

Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 22:05

I really must go....

Doodledootoo · 15/11/2007 22:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sparedblushes · 15/11/2007 22:07

he likes that programme.

Oh now I've blown it haven't I? Poor dh, yes he was laughed at in previous relationships and his girlfriends told all about his oddities in bed. His work colleagues have put shaving foam in his coffee, nailed his briefcase to his desk and put superglue on his telephone receiver once.

He's just odd, that's not a crime.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 22:07

Good point Doodle. I'd have nightmares. Please make me leave....

Original poster
sparedblushes · 15/11/2007 22:08

I suppose you'd think it strange if I said he wore my underwear in bed too wouldn't you?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/11/2007 22:09

It might be a crime - if you thwart his sexual theatrics who knows what he might be driven too! Nothing for it Rachel, off you pop to bed and be prepared for a fanjo fairytale.