AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[greenlabelchutney]

I feel so annoyed for you OP reading this! It’s really shitty of him putting you in this position. You can’t win. If you ask him not to go - you are left feeling like the bad guy. If you muddle through so he can go, you are the one making all of the sacrifices - as women we are so bloody used to doing this so that we don’t come across like we are controlling or like we can’t manage. And once you do it for this, it will become a pattern. He should absolutely know that it’s unfair to put this on you. I’m actually too mad to properly articulate exactly what I want to - but I have been in a similar situation a couple of times with my DH so I fully understand why your feel torn.

[winniestone37]

Normally this would be fine but with quarantine it seems a bit much. What does he think?

[Greenmarmalade]

I’m sure he’s a nice bloke and a good stepdad as you say - but the dynamics have shifted now and it’s very important that he realises you’re not Prime Parent to this baby in the same way you are to your DD1. He does need to adjust to being equally tied down by children and the family.

I can relate to this. It’s pretty much sorted now but definitely had that dynamic here fit a long while.

OP you are entirely rational and reasonable in all of your thinking and reasons for him not to go. Using up such a chunk of annual leave is problematic in itself when you want family time together- he should really be thinking of wanting to use that to bond with his baby and give you a much needed break (as much as possible with a baby!)

[Greenmarmalade]

^ SpeedRunParent

Don't want to be unreasonable but can you not cope with two children on your own for a couple of weeks? It's really not as bad as you might think. Lots of women manage on their own when partners work away. This is a special circumstance.
Maybe you could suggest that he can the can one or both of the stag's? ^

OP was a single parent, so knows full well what 2 weeks on her own will be like.

I have also been a single parent and sometimes my DH has taken advantage of the fact that I cope well alone- and this is not OK.

OP’s partner has a young baby and should be prioritising time with his family, not a really long break in Spain while his exhausted partner muddles through.

[Bellsandwhistle]

I’m in the tell him to go camp given he’s best man and it will mean a lot to him and the couple. He could go for the whole week or 4/5 days if flights for that are possible. I’d either have my mum or his come stay for a couple of nights if you want company/help though personally I’d actually relish the time to chill at home on my own once kids in bed. However I’m no martyr and it would def be chalked up as chalked up as me getting 3/4 girls weekends away in return for the wedding and stags! When my kids were that young I actually preferred a few girls weekends away child free as that was always a much more relaxed break for me than extra family holiday time - though tbf I’d still expect a week away with the family but he should still have enough leave for this if he just doesn’t take any other days anywhere?!

[timeisnotaline]

[quote LovelyIssues]@SpeedRunParent I completely agree. I wouldn't have children if I couldn't cope with them alone for 2 weeks.[/quote]
This is ridiculous. No one knows what each child is like, this is the toughest period when they are tiny, and most people have children with a partner knowing they have back up. 2 weeks is a long long time if it is 2 weeks of just about no sleep, which it would literally have been for me. Or do you really mean that despite clear scientific evidence to the contrary everyone who wants children should be able to go 2 weeks without any sleep for longer than 20 minutes except between 4:30 and 6am or they just shouldn’t have dc? We are going back for a third by the way, and there will be no solo holidays for my husband while we get through the baby period.

[coffeefi]

Does he really want to go?

I'd say no. It's a lot of money to spend and too inconvenient at the moment. I wouldn't want my other half to go away for a week and leave me with two young kids. A weekend would be fine

[GabsAlot]

@Bellsandwhistle

I’m in the tell him to go camp given he’s best man and it will mean a lot to him and the couple. He could go for the whole week or 4/5 days if flights for that are possible. I’d either have my mum or his come stay for a couple of nights if you want company/help though personally I’d actually relish the time to chill at home on my own once kids in bed. However I’m no martyr and it would def be chalked up as chalked up as me getting 3/4 girls weekends away in return for the wedding and stags! When my kids were that young I actually preferred a few girls weekends away child free as that was always a much more relaxed break for me than extra family holiday time - though tbf I’d still expect a week away with the family but he should still have enough leave for this if he just doesn’t take any other days anywhere?!

op has said there will be no holiday time left for him to take

[Charley50]

I think the friends are being selfish asking people to do this (in covid times), and he would be extremely selfish if he went too, especially with your last revelation that he let you do the house move, but all of it really.

[worriedatthemoment]

@Alwaysandforeverhere how do we know the ex wedding wasn't first and also Op said she wS concerned taking young children to an amber country , how has her ex got the blame for this

[worriedatthemoment]

@Alwaysandforeverhere also Op states she has moved an hr away from where she was so maybe this impacts on bow much time ex can have his child

[worriedatthemoment]

Also bare in mind a green country can change whilst your their
Last heat we cancelled our holiday to majorca as due ti pay whole amount and was dubious it would happen and also didn't fancy going abroad with restrictions , as it happens had we kept holiday it could of gone ahead as all was ok on date out , but had we of gine day before due home it was put on quarantine list , so we would of had to have had 2 weeks pff work unpaid .
So always a chance a status can change

[Mama1980]

I would tell him to go, I would not want him to miss out. I get it's a difficult situation but this clearly means a lot to him and the couple.
I've been a single parent of 4 for the last 16 years, I get how draining it can be when your tired and feeling crap but this is a once in a lifetime thing.
I'd encourage him to go with your blessing and hope the country turns green before then which would make the logistics simpler.

[Toohardtofindaproperusername]

I havebt read full thread do assume someone has asked "what does your dh actually think?". It's all about you giving him permission or not and nothing about what he actually thinks.

[ImThePatronSaintOfTheDenial]

Even if Spain does open the borders will he actually be allowed in? Countries are setting their own requirements and most countries are letting people in without having to quarantine only if they have had both vaccines. Will he have had both by then? If not he may be required to quarantine in Spain for a while before the wedding so will need to go out earlier than planned. Just depends, I suppose, how keen Spain are to get tourism up and running again but worth looking into as beay need another week for quarantine in Spain.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Toohardtofindaproperusername

I havebt read full thread do assume someone has asked "what does your dh actually think?". It's all about you giving him permission or not and nothing about what he actually thinks.

She did say earlier that her husband and the couple are gutted but understanding.

[Greenmarmalade]

*@SpeedRunParent I completely agree. I wouldn't have children if I couldn't cope with them alone for 2 weeks.

I wouldn’t have children if I couldn’t prioritise them and their exhausted breastfeeding mother instead of going to a wedding that I could decline, with good reason.

[Blueink]

Yes he should go as best friend’s wedding/best man & quarantine away from you when he gets back. Significant savings him going alone.
Will it not be easier staying at home with the kids rather than dealing with them with air travel, the wedding, being away?

[S0upertrooper]

I wouldn't be happy with this situation but I would want my DH to come to that conclusion himself. Whilst it is possible for you to manage on your own with young kids, you shouldn't have to.

I don't live in the UK, we can't travel because of covid, we have no idea how this situation could pan out in the next few months and there's every possibility your DH could get stranded. Can you afford extra hotel bills, more expensive flight, increased travel insurance premium, unpaid time off work?

I'm not against partners attending events on their own, I just think the situation isn't ideal at the moment and HE should make the decision not to go.

[Charley50]

It's not about the OP not being able to 'cope' alone, although it's a small factor. It's that they won't be able to have a family holiday if he does this, it will cost loads, and he refused to take annual leave to help them move house, leaving OP with a baby or very pregnant to do it, yet wanted to take it for this.

[crikeycrumbsblimey]

@Greenmarmalade

Brilliantly point! Always on the mother isn’t it.

[Greenmarmalade]

@crikeycrumbsblimey yes- very frustrating.

he refused to take annual leave to help them move house, leaving OP with a baby or very pregnant to do it, yet wanted to take it for this.

YES- I would be so upset about this. My DH has done thoughtless, self-centred bullshit like this in the past. Also because he was too used to me being primary carer as I had children from a previous relationship, so because I cope with stuff I was expected to ‘get on with it.’

[Barney60]

Why does husband have to go for the full week, cant he just fly out for long weekend, also arrange for a friend or family member perhaps a sister (if you want too) to come stay with you at same time so you have help /adult conversation while hes away?

[aSofaNearYou]

I find comments that say things like "can't you cope with the kids on your own for two weeks" incredibly patronising. Yes I'm sure we'd all survive, but it's a big ask, and it seems if you admit that you feel like you would struggle for that length of time, there are always posters on here ready to engage in competitive mothering with you. There's no need for it. There's no shame in admitting you would find two weeks alone with two kids including a refluxy baby challenging.

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

I would let him go to both after this year he needs a break

But so do you, so you need to book a weekend away with your girlfriends (are you close enough to go on the hen weekend?)

And then a week away with the girlies in the bank for when you have a big birthday etc win-win guilt free

The wedding prob won't go ahead anyway at this rate but you get wife points! 😁