AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

@Eightiesfan

He should go, it’s his best friend, he’s the best man. You need to ask yourself if it’s worth the inevitable strain this will put on your relationship if you kick off about him attending. He might stay at home, but I guarantee he will not be happy and will resent you.

I take your point, but I don't really like to give in to that kind of emotional blackmail.

Fair enough he might resent not going, but the argument goes both ways - I might resent him if he goes. If he goes and uses the majority of his holiday to do so - that means that I don't get to have a proper holiday at all. Obviously I can take the kids away by myself - and I have done this in the past with DD, which was fun, but I don't think anyone would think of that as a relaxing holiday. Without DH there to help I can't have a few hours off to read/sunbathe/drink a vast amount if wine.
I love my friends and parents but none of them are that great at hands on childcare - they love to have the kids around and play with them, but ultimately the cooking, laundry, bedtimes and naps all come down to me.
And that doesn't even take into account the extra money all the testing eats up - and how that affects the rest of the family.

It's difficult because I can see the argument both ways. I don;t want to be the kind of parter whose always spoiling their DH's fun - thats so depressing, but I feel like you've got to stand up for yourself as well.

Having looked at it at the moment Spain is not allowing in tourists - you need to have specific reasons for entering (and a wedding wont be it). So that is partly the reason it is Amber.

I would imagine the borders to tourists will open at the same time it moves to green (the US is likely to be similar) in that it will be a reciprocal thing.

@user1466068383 have any of them actually looked into the current requirements for entering Spain or just seen the Amber bit from our end?

I would simply point out that at the moment it is impossible for anyone to enter Spain but that you can all hope by July the borders are open and you can all travel. As an aside Spain at the moment only requires tests for 6+ so if that stays the same once it opens its borders and becomes green it all becomes far easier.

You are I think worrying too much about an ever changing situation - 6-8 weeks I think will make this a much less stressful decision to make one way or the other

@Grumblesigh I don’t have any nights out planned, although our baby is a lot more settled, it’s still taking me a long time to get her down at bedtime so it’s just not seemed possible yet to get out and see friends in the evenings.

The other issue is that when we moved we went about an hour away from where I had been living for the last 10 years. The new area is lovely, good schools etc and closer to DH work - but all my friends who would just pop in for a tea or a glass for wine in the evenings when I was alone with DD are now much further away. It’s not impossible to meet up - but it takes a lot more planning.

So my social life has been pretty much on hold. Meanwhile DH is popping out for pints after work. Tbf he only goes for an hour and is back by 8:30.

But I see what you mean about evening the score - I think we need to have a chat about what he can be doing to make sure things are fair-ish. Having been answering people’s messages all day I’ve realised I’m a lot more resentful of his ‘freedom’ than I thought I was.

@Quartz2208 I honestly don’t think any of them have looked at any of the restrictions. Everyone involved seems to have a very loose grasp on what the restrictions actually mean.
As far as I can tell from the group chat everyone just thinks they’ll be fine to go - no questions asked - as long as they quarantine. Tbh I didn’t really know what the rules were before starting this thread. I don’t know if it’s worth pointing it out ... or if they just makes me a killjoy .. and I’m sure they’ll soon find out about the non-leisure amber rules.

Also I take your point about worrying about something that’s weeks away and constantly changing. Your right, I’m sure it’ll work itself out one way of another.

[quote user1466068383]@Quartz2208 I honestly don’t think any of them have looked at any of the restrictions. Everyone involved seems to have a very loose grasp on what the restrictions actually mean.
As far as I can tell from the group chat everyone just thinks they’ll be fine to go - no questions asked - as long as they quarantine. Tbh I didn’t really know what the rules were before starting this thread. I don’t know if it’s worth pointing it out ... or if they just makes me a killjoy .. and I’m sure they’ll soon find out about the non-leisure amber rules.

Also I take your point about worrying about something that’s weeks away and constantly changing. Your right, I’m sure it’ll work itself out one way of another.[/quote]
It is likely that the border will be open and it will be green - the current situation just isnt going to be in play in July. It will either (and lets hope) open and green or it we have taken a step backwards.

OP, your DH works 11 and a half hour days plus one Saturday a month. Goes out for pints after work. Is taking 2 weeks of holiday for a wedding + 2 stag weekends.

You... stay at home with the dc. Always.

You two need to reevaluate what family life is going to be. Because right now he carries on as he did before dc and you muddle on with no social life.

I know some of this is temporary - a new baby and Covid restrictions - but you will be so resentful by the end of summer that I don't know how you get through each day.

as it’s such a good friend of his.

Who has chosen to get married abroad, in at least the tail end of a global pandemic, after almost a year of lockdown in a country currently rated amber.

No guarantee that it won't be reclassified red, or that DH won't have a positive test while away

I'm all for having the wedding that you want but this isn't showing any consideration. Did they even discuss it with him before inviting him? Is he really their first choice ? Sounds as if he is a popular best man if he has already been asked by someone else ...

It's only for a week.

It could do easily be for a lot longer. And he would need to take holiday to quarantine on his return.

And then the idea that you have carried the burden of the house move on top of a new baby so he could avoid wasting holiday ... only to use it all up on a non family jolly.

Has he got used to you shouldering the burden of childcare so that the reality of being a father hasn't quite sunk in yet?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He also needs to factor in the added costs of the additional testing he would need before, during and after his trip.

The cost of this alone would mean the trip would likely not go ahead for us as this can run into the hundreds. It would be out with our budget - but you and he may he able to absorb these extra costs comfortably.

Why would testing cost you money?!?

PCR tests for flights are not free. You cannot book at a normal (free) test centre. And that's in the UK. Nevermind other countries.

Yep you need to factor in the costs for the pre and post travel testing too

Oh and i am assuming you are in England as returning from an amber country to Scotland requires a 10 day hotel quarantine

So if he goes (assuming you are ok with health risk and breaking rules) then he:

• has to organise a hotel to quarantine in on return so as not to affect your DD (book, pay, arrange transport to and from) and sort out his own food/laundry etc while he is there
• has to organise all tests/clearances as this not your job
• has to organise daily nanny/babysitter assistance for the children for each day he is away, and a cleaner if that's what you need
• has to take steps to mitigate any other impacts on the family of his absence eg he could be cooking and freezing meals before leaving, doing laundry on return if there's a backlog.

So he wants to do it, he can - and it's his job to minimise the effect on his family. He does the ringing around to get quotes, makes bookings, and organises payment. You leave him to it.

And you need to book a holiday for yourself at some point too, but that's a discussion for another day

I wouldn’t go even if it’s my best friend and equally my DH wouldn’t go in this situation. It’s quite a long wedding with a lot of extra expenses and it will take family holiday away. So basically he will go on holiday at the expense of his family. It doesn’t look right.

I’d expect him not to go. I’d say sensitively that it was a real shame and you’d both love to go but it couldn’t happen this year. I’d say I don’t feel he has the leave to spend on himself, because I really pushed through a very difficult period to do the House move mostly on my own with a 6mo to save his leave, and I would be gutted that he would completely dismiss that effort by thinking that’s now his leave to swan off on a solo holiday. I worked for him to have that leave for our family.

And what everyone says about he is a parent too now. At this point with first baby I used to get my dp to ‘finish the sentence’. I’m going to the pub Thursday... and? What you mean is: I’m going to the pub Thursday, are you ok to solo parent? I’m the default parent while you are at work, not 24 hours a day.
Yes of course I’m going to say yes when reasonable, but our baby never slept and I needed support. I needed him to recognise that these fun things impacted me. And to be honest, what I wasn’t thinking clearly about was he only had the energy to go out because I took on nights. If he had done even a fraction of the nights he would have been a tired shadow of his former self. (I would never take this weight of nights with a non sleeping baby on alone again, he was a twat and I’ve told him it’s grounds for divorce but that won’t be needed as he will have been sliced into 1000 pieces with a rusty spoon)

6 week old not 6mo oops

He’s taking the piss with his has to go on the two stag dos and the trip abroad.

You’re the only one looking for compromise here - he has no intention of missing out.

You’ve moved away from your support, he works long hours, regularly goes out and is going to use all his annual leave with his mates.

While you are at home with the baby.

You need to talk about more than the wedding imo or you’ll be very resentful very quickly.

@SkodaKodiaq tests are not free and can’t use the government ones

Looking at least £95 per test and some say you need 4

One to leave U.K. one to leave destination before flying home

Coming home think was day 3 and 8 while in isolation

This is if amber

If green then won’t need tests or maybe one once home

Think that’s how I’ve read it

dont you still need to pay for a test for green list countries?

anywya regardless he sounds even more selfish after your update-and he definitely doesnt need a week in spain regardless of all the extra events re the wedding

link from gov website

www.gov.uk/guidance/red-amber-and-green-list-rules-for-entering-england#amber-list

still two tests before and after even if spain goes green

I’ve only read the OPs posts so I don’t know if it’s already been said (it probably has) but I would say he should just fly out the day before the wedding and fly home the day after. Keep the trip as short as possible. I’m sure he’d like to go to the rehearsal dinner, brunch etc but he doesn’t need to be there- it won’t descend into chaos without him.

Let him go. He can sleep in the garage for 2 weeks to self quarantine when he returns.

And then in a few years time, when you are in a similar situation, he can stay home and look after the kids and you can go to your event.

Yanbu. This is way too long with such a small baby. Add to that, the isolating after and the stag dos. And not to mention eating into family holiday leave. Can he not just go to one stag do and skip the wedding?

I truly despise these destination weddings. It's just so entitled to want people to spend their annual leave, huge amount of travelling and accommodation expenses on someone else. Most of the time people are pushed into situations where they can't afford it but can't say no. It really is so selfish. Fine if you want to do it, but you want people to attend so you are putting them in a difficult position.
We are a close group of friends and one friend decided to this - a ridiculously expensive all round trip which is something I would never have chosen as a holiday anyway. Not one of us could attend. Soon after another friend got married which was local and we were all able to attend. The friend that got married abroad admitted that they regretted it later, because all the important people to them were not there (incl. some family members).
To have a destination wedding during a pandemic is just another level of selfishness and stupidity.

@JessicaBlack101 but there's never likely to be a similar situation where OP uses all her annual leave to celebrate stag dos and weddings with her friends whilst DH stays at home with his DC.

I think those saying wave him off with good grace are missing the covid implications. First even if country does go Green all the testing is costly. Then there is the risk of a positive test and all the ramifications of that. It's not just about someone struggling to look after their baby on their own for a few days.

I’d be making it the ex’s issue tbh.

You and your dh and the children where all due to be going to this wedding regardless. Then covid but you may be able to go. He decided to book his wedding only a week later. He has presumably been the one behind the fact he has her so little and that she’s not used to his house.

The ex is the issue not the wedding, if he wanted his daughter at his wedding he would move heaven and earth to have her there he would take leave, he would get his parents to help look after her or maybe not picked a wedding only a week after she was due to be away but then again maybe I just don’t have time for an ex who seems to not care about seeing his daughter too much.

Your asking your dh and basically your entire house to miss a good friends wedding and holiday because of your ex’s plans.