AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[Bizawit]

Can he quarantine with you and the family? The risk is very low and he could get a test before he returns (I believe that’s a requirement anyway).

[Justacouplemorethen]

If I were you I wouldn’t make any decisions now; see what happens with the amber / green and what the govt say. Do you want to have to make this decision? It shouldn’t be you telling him yes or no. You say he seems to have accepted he can’t go, but keeps coming up with (impractical) ways that he could. Don’t say anything but ‘hmmm’ and ‘would that work?’ - he’ll soon realise that whilst it remains on the amber list, he simply can’t go. there are clear rules to say he shouldn’t be going. There is a pandemic on. He’d have to quarantine which doubles the time he’d be away. He has a young baby and a young stepchild. He is already going to two stag dos. He has to be responsible and realistic. If he goes and has to quarantine, it doesn’t just affect him, it affects you all. He would be spending money which should go towards the family. He would be using his leave up (which was so precious to him when you were moving) which will affect your ability to go on a family holiday or do anything as a family, which is important as he works such long hours and you already do a huge amount of solo parenting. He would be leaving you for 6-12 days at a time when you both have a young baby, you are shattered, baby has reflux, and he needs to be there to support you and the baby. He’s not a single man now, he has responsibilities and a family. Yes he would really love to go, and in other circumstances he should. Yes he is best man. It would be a real shame if he missed it. But sometimes you can’t do what you really want to do because of other factors. The couple have decided to get married in a way that makes it tricky for others - I can see why they want to get married as they do but they know there are sacrifices to be made if they get married this way. They are also It shouldn’t be you telling him yes or no. They are also your friends too and you are missing out already.
If Spain goes into the green list then you can re-evaluate with him then - there wouldn’t be an issue with quarantine and so he could go away for just the weekend. Until then, I think you both know that he shouldn’t.

Plus, because you are so good at coping as a single mother or with the reflux baby on very little sleep, he might not quite realise how hard it is and how he is needed with you at this time. Because you just get on with it because you have to (which many mothers just do), he, like most fathers, probably takes it all for granted a little bit. Of course you could cope on your own for 2 weeks. But should you have to?! You aren’t a single mum now, you have a partner. Im sure he is lovely man. He needs to realise that he is an important part of all this. Him going away for 10 days is not on.
Another thought - Can you express and give him the 10 pm feed to do every night so he takes on that responsibility and you get to have a chunk of sleep? You can then start thinking of having an evening out with your friends when you are ready, and if baby can take a bottle. Or even just to take baby in the eve when she’s being refluxy so you can go for a walk or have a bath or something for a break. You’ve made these sacrifices for the family to move somewhere better, but you need to maintain your support network and get a break from parent responsibilities sometimes for your own mental health - and it would be good for him too to take on more family responsibilities. My DH is currently taking 2 months of shared parental leave now I’m back to work and he is loving it, both being off work and being more involved with the kids - but has also said that it is a lot harder than he thought! And I’m working from home so I can still help in the mornings so it’s not even that hard for him. Men often forget or don’t quite understand how full on parenting is, especially when they have a capable wife who does most of it!

[Faultymain5]

Thank you for this post. My DH was due to go to an amber country to bring his DM over. Looking at the reasons that you can go to amber questions. They don’t qualify and neither does a friend’s wedding.

[JeanneDoe]

NRFT but I’d let my husband make the decision, I’d support whatever he decided.

[GabsAlot]

maybe best read it then jeanne

[FinallyHere]

@JeanneDoe

support whatever he decided.

Even though if he decides to attend his friend's wedding, he will have no leave left for a holiday with the family.

And if he continues to prioritise his fun over family time ?

Why would you go that?

[AutumnLeafDance]

I think it's important to encourage our partners to have fun times with their mates, but in this instance the personal cost to you is just too great, and he should recognise that. If the roles were reversed and it was your best mate getting married abroad, do you think he'd even entertain the thought of caring for both little ones while you travelled and then quarantined?

[JeanneDoe]

I think being best man at your best friends wedding is a fairly significant milestone.
However my main point really is that it shouldn’t be you coming out of this as the Bad Guy who is ‘ruining all the fun.’
I’d be inclined to think he needs to make the decision ie “if you think the best man wedding etc is more important than our family holiday etc then I’m not going to forbid you from making that decision”

So perhaps I was rash to say I’d support him if that was his priority but I’d certainly be putting the decision making on him so you can avoid being the one that spoils everything.

[FinallyHere]

Absolutely agree @JeanneDoe he should be working out for himself that it's time to start prioritising his family, maybe not over his fun but time for his pleasure to be being with his family.

[Localocal]

I think he should go - if it's that close a friend that he is best man, then he should do everything he can to be at the wedding. But perhaps he could keep it to three or four days and not the full week, so as to save holiday days to do something with you and the children.

I would suggest you take the children to your parents for part of the time if you think you will struggle to cope alone for that long. But if you and your older child have friends in your area you may find the time goes quicker than you think. My husband used to go on two-week work trips when mine were babies. It was never as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I would send him to the wedding, but ask him to rethink the stag dos. A wedding is an important life event. A stag do is just a three day piss up.

[Naunet]

think your DH should go and your DD goes to her dads early. Presumably if he’s working she can stay with her step mum?

You know women can work too these days? 🤨

[Marcis]

I thought of this thread when I saw email from travel company I’m subscribed to saying they aren’t actually taking any new bookings until the traffic light system for summer becomes clearer.

I don’t think he should go- with the international situation and implications for you it’s just too much.

[Skyblu]

How far away is it? Is there no compromise in there.....instead of going for the full week, could DH just go for 3 days?

[Ohdobequiet]

That would be a hard no from me.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

The way things are going , they won’t get married there as won’t be allowed to fly out

Do the couple have a plan if they can’t marry abroad in July

[Casiloco]

*@Quartz2208 good point!

Spain likely to be on green list by that time and has just said open for tourists from UK.

If the trend with the virus and vaccines goes the other way then all travel is likely to be restricted so problem solved!

[PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat]

Loved someone’s suggestion of arranging a party back in the UK for the bride and groom, if DH decides not to go, seems like a good compromise and a great chance to bring everyone together to celebrate.

Lovely idea but a word of caution - offering to throw a party means paying for it.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

spain may want and allow tourists and green

but boris still says amber, so if they went and doesnt change, then he will still have to have 2 tests day 2&8 and quarantine for 10 days

so costly

[SquashMinusIsShit]

Even if they are prepared to quarantine & do all the tests they still might not be able to go

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/cardiff-airport-travel-abroad-spain-20639970.amp