AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[Rmka]

Since he can't work from home while he's on quarantine, then he definitely shouldn't go.

[user1466068383]

@looptheloopinahulahoop

The reason I am invested in my DD attending her fathers wedding is because he and I work hard to have an amicable co-parenting relationship and I wouldn’t want to jeopardise that, or ruin an event that he wants to share with his daughter, by accidentally exposing her to covid or quarantining restrictions. He would be justifiably pretty angry with me - which would be bad for our long term relationship. And I would feel I let my DD down if she missed out on time with her father

Could she go to stay with her father before the wedding? You said no, because he's working, but have you asked him? She's his daughter too and if you were ill he'd have to look after her. I never really understand these rigid custody agreements - you're both parents and if you still lived together you'd have to be flexible (like you looking after your other child while your DH goes away if he goes to this wedding).

I think my view would be yes you can go to the wedding (not the stag dos) but only if there are no quarantine restrictions on return by then. I suspect in reality your dd is more likely to catch covid at school in the UK than from your DH.

Unfortunately he just doesn’t have the time available to have her. He has his own wedding / stag do / honeymoons booked this year.
She also doesn’t have that kind of relationship with his house yet - it’s only in the last year that she’s been doing regular weekends with him, so our co-parenting relationship is still quite regimented whilst she gets more used to it.
Tbh (and not to sound all sorry for myself) when I am ill, I still have to look after the kids.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

In normal times I’d have no issue with DH going and two children to look after I wouldn’t see as reason for him not too. Nor would he in reverse.

However if it’s against the rule to travel I would expect him to abide by that. Even if on the green list I would be unhappy as it’s unnecessary travel.

[saraclara]

Spain is very likely to go green, as I understand it. And his isolation on return doesn't prevent other members of the household living fully even if he's in the house. Only him actually catching covid would stop your DD going to her dad's wedding.

Presumably your DH will be vaccinated by then?

I'd let him go, I think. But just for the four or five days.

[rwalker]

I'd let him go but quite relaxed about stuff like this in our house as it works complelty both ways .
If the boot was on the other foot I'd be going

[CovidSmart]

I would have issues with him going to the wedding AND the stag dos.

I think he should be making a choice between them.

But it sounds like you feel that the week looking after the dcs on your own then followed by one week with DH in self isolation would be too much.
The only question I have there is how do you think your baby will be in July. I get that you are knackered atm. You are also the one who bore the weight of covid at home, doing the homeschooling etc... whilst your DH carried on with his working out of home life.
But if baby is better NOW (thanks to giving up dairy), do you think you will feel better or well enough in July so yur DH can go away?

If you do, then I think he should make a choice between wedding and stag do.
If you don’t, then I would tell him and ask him if he could stay at home.

FWIW at spain in amber but yes I also suspect that by the time the summer comes, things will have settled. Borders will have reopened and they might even be in the green list - like it was last year...
So hard to plan ahead !

[user1466068383]

Thanks everyone for the messages.
Just wanted to say, maybe I didn’t make it clear in the original post, whilst I’m not wild about parenting alone for two weeks whilst DH goes to the wedding and them quarantines I am perfectly capable of doing it - and have done it often in the past.
However we have recently moved house, and I have a 3 month old baby with reflux - I feel that this year it is quite a lot for DH to ask.

When we moved house DH would only take 2 days off, as he didn’t want to waste holiday. So the majority of the move & following organisation & renovation was down to me (at the time our baby was 6 weeks old and barely sleeping). I got on with it, because I thought we would use that saved holiday to spend quality time together as a family, I feel hurt that he’s now considering taking two weeks off to attend a friends wedding and then quarantine. I’m not sure this is really fair.

Thanks to everyone saying DH could quarantine at home and DD could still go to the wedding - I think I would need to run this by my ex to check he is comfortable with this. Tbh I doubt DD would catch covid from DH but it’s not really a risk I want to take without ok’ing it with my ex.

[MargaretHooper]

A vlogger (Heidi Stephens) has just travelled to Rotterdam for the Eurovision Song contest and has tweeted about testing costs,. Netherlands is currently amber:
UK pre-departure PCR / Netherlands pre-departure PCR / post arrival PCT Day 2 and 8: £500 in total.

[namechangedasouting]

In your position, I would really want to be the kind of person who would encourage DH to go and enjoy it. But I don't think I would be - it's just too much and it doesn't seem fair. I don't think DH would want to be away from us for that long either (2 year old and 4 month old here), even for his best mate.

[TiddyTid]

Fuck that!

So you've a BF baby plus DC, YOU AND THEM have been on lockdown for the best part of a year and you're sacrificing a family holiday to enable this?

Nope

[Morgan12]

Would you go if it was your best friends wedding and you were maid of honour? (Baby is bottle fed in this scenario)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

@MargaretHooper

A vlogger (Heidi Stephens) has just travelled to Rotterdam for the Eurovision Song contest and has tweeted about testing costs,. Netherlands is currently amber:
UK pre-departure PCR / Netherlands pre-departure PCR / post arrival PCT Day 2 and 8: £500 in total.

Insane

Sure many families can’t afford that once let alone twice fir parents and three times if over 11

[NoSquirrels]

When we moved house DH would only take 2 days off, as he didn’t want to waste holiday. So the majority of the move & following organisation & renovation was down to me (at the time our baby was 6 weeks old and barely sleeping). I got on with it, because I thought we would use that saved holiday to spend quality time together as a family, I feel hurt that he’s now considering taking two weeks off to attend a friends wedding and then quarantine. I’m not sure this is really fair.

Ooh. Yeah, that changes my opinion a bit. Fine whilst you thought the saved holiday time was for you all to go together but now plans have changed.

I don’t know. It’s his best friend. Tricky.

[Vikingintraining]

I might be repeating here, I haven't read other people's comments, but travelling to amber list countries is difficult. However much the bride and groom want to go ahead they need to be realistic about the likelihood of guests attending, even of their own ability to travel there. I am travelling to an amber country for work this week and have had to get proof of my necessary reason to travel and arrange a private test both here and in the destination country. There are also limited flights, because people are not permitted to travel for leisure. Surely the best option is for your husband to turn down the invitation but with a request to be re-invited if the country moves to the green list.
Disclaimer: I, like you, do not think weddings are that important to anyone except the bride and groom. Invitations are not compulsory, there should be no offence caused by turning it down.

[user1466068383]

@Morgan12

Would you go if it was your best friends wedding and you were maid of honour? (Baby is bottle fed in this scenario)

That’s such a good question. I wouldn’t go if the country was amber, I wouldn’t want to quarantine and waste the annual leave & miss out on a family holiday this year, especially as our baby is so young and we’re still getting to know her.

Just wanted to point out that this couple are my friends too - and although DH is best man, the group of people invited are all my friends as well. This isn’t just DH going off with his mates, it’s frustrating for me as well - knowing I can’t be there.

[LotLessBovver]

When we moved house DH would only take 2 days off, as he didn’t want to waste holiday. So the majority of the move & following organisation & renovation was down to me (at the time our baby was 6 weeks old and barely sleeping). I got on with it, because I thought we would use that saved holiday to spend quality time together as a family, I feel hurt that he’s now considering taking two weeks off to attend a friends wedding and then quarantine. I’m not sure this is really fair.

I would ask your DH exactly when will he be planning to make you a priority? Why should you put him first when he makes plans that put you last?

[Pinkyavocado]

I’d insist my husband went. He’s held the fort with 3 kids plenty of times while I’ve gone away with friends.

It’s just a one off thing. You’ll feel crap if you say he can’t.

[Feedingthebirds1]

When we moved house DH would only take 2 days off, as he didn’t want to waste holiday. So the majority of the move & following organisation & renovation was down to me (at the time our baby was 6 weeks old and barely sleeping).

Wasting holiday to help the family settle in to a new house? My arse. He just didn't want the hassle, so went back to work meaning you would have to do it all.

And now he wants to take most of his holiday on a jaunt that will remove him from family life for potentially three weeks, plus weekends. He's not engaged with his family is he? He wants to carry on living the single life with a cook, housekeeper and shag on tap. I've just gone right off him.

[NoSquirrels]

I do also think that the fact it’s your first baby together, but he’s used to you being capable single mother already, makes a difference. I’m sure he’s a nice bloke and a good stepdad as you say - but the dynamics have shifted now and it’s very important that he realises you’re not Prime Parent to this baby in the same way you are to your DD1. He does need to adjust to being equally tied down by children and the family.

But - as it’s your DD1’s dad who is causing at least some of the bottleneck in you all not being able to attend, this might not be the time to push that point.

It is tricky. I think I’d tell him honestly I was feeling a bit hard done by about the holiday time (and slightly resentful that I’d taken on so much grunt work moving house) and leave him to make a solution or compromise somehow.

[user1466068383]

@NoSquirrels

I do also think that the fact it’s your first baby together, but he’s used to you being capable single mother already, makes a difference. I’m sure he’s a nice bloke and a good stepdad as you say - but the dynamics have shifted now and it’s very important that he realises you’re not Prime Parent to this baby in the same way you are to your DD1. He does need to adjust to being equally tied down by children and the family.

But - as it’s your DD1’s dad who is causing at least some of the bottleneck in you all not being able to attend, this might not be the time to push that point.

It is tricky. I think I’d tell him honestly I was feeling a bit hard done by about the holiday time (and slightly resentful that I’d taken on so much grunt work moving house) and leave him to make a solution or compromise somehow.

You’ve managed to get down in writing exactly what I’ve been thinking! Thank you, I can see what’s been stressing me about the situation now.

I think he was used to the dynamic of having a child in the house that he wasn’t really responsible for - of course he’d babysit and spend loads of time with her, but ultimately it didn’t really come down to him and he didn’t need to make any decisions. But now things are different and he maybe hasn’t adjusted.

Also great point about my ex being part of the bottleneck, it’s difficult because it’s temping to be annoyed with him - but obviously it’s not his fault at all, he just happened to book his wedding a week after this Spanish one. I’d be mad to hold that against him, even if it is causing trouble at our end.

[NoSquirrels]

I think it’s really hard the adjustment at 3 months, or even 6 months plus if you’re breastfeeding and on maternity leave- but that doesn’t mean you can’t have that honest conversation about “OK, I get it but...” and then see where you are then.

Honestly, I would in this situation of 2 DC and on maternity leave send my DH, go to my parents with both kids, then come home when he’s home, after delivering DD to the wedding, to quarantine.
I’d say he needs to look at his ongoing commitments now e.g. stag dos and realise they take time off you and the family and be mindful of that. He doesn’t sound unreasonable exactly, and it’s a tough situation- perhaps just vocalising your worries over dynamics shifting will help both of you?

[SnackSizeRaisin]

He shouldn't go. Firstly it's not allowed. Secondly the huge extra expense of testing and quarantine. Thirdly the risk if he gets a positive test while there and has to stay there until he tests negative. Fourthly what if the status of the country changes and he loses all the money or has to quarantine in a hotel. Fifthly it's not fair on you.

A friend went abroad for a work trip, tested positive while there and was stuck there for an extra 3 weeks. He had weekly tests and was pretty lucky to test negative again so quickly IMO.

[Eightiesfan]

He should go, it’s his best friend, he’s the best man. You need to ask yourself if it’s worth the inevitable strain this will put on your relationship if you kick off about him attending. He might stay at home, but I guarantee he will not be happy and will resent you.

[CanofCant]

@Aebj

Does he have to go to the stag parties? Maybe he can give them up in exchange for the wedding

Only on the first page but I would also suggest this.

[Grumblesigh]

Ask him: what would happen if the roles were reversed? If DD1 was at your ex and he needed to stay behind and look after dd2 alone for 2 weeks while you went on a foreign holiday with all your mutual friends?

Someone is going to be massively resentful here. You if he goes and him if he stays. So arrangements to deal with the resentment need to be made in advance of him going or staying.

Him leaving for 2 weeks is selfish. And I am not against a little selfish in a relationship, but how does he propose to even the score? You can't go on holiday with your buddies for two weeks - you have a 5-year-old. Who would look after her?

He needs to realise that being best man and supporting his friends' marriages is putting serious pressure on his own.

Not everything in a long marriage is tit for tat. He gets 2 weeks and you get 2 weeks straight after. But there seems yo be a pattern developing here - 2 weeks for a wedding then 2 weekends of stag do's? Do you have as much as a night out planned?