AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[wingsnthat]

This sounds like a win-win situation for him. A lad’s holiday and then the opportunity to stay away from the house/children whilst he quarantines. He’s just given himself an extended break away from all of you

[GCAcademic]

Why does he need to go for the full week? Surely this should be reduced drastically now that quarantine is a factor, so that he can keep the total time as close to a week as originally planned.

[user1487194234]

I would not stand in my DH's way on this

[Thisnamewasnttaken123]

I think they are asking too much of people to be honest.
People have work and commitments, to expect to still get married abroad at the risk of people having to quarantine is unrealistic and I wouldn't be surprised if most people said no.
I wouldnt go and I know my DH would say no.

[Coldties]

@user1466068383 I spoke to TUI yesterday as we are moving our 2020 holiday that’s in july potential to 2022.

So I quizzed them about it all, they have said limited flights to amber country unless it’s the canary’s as they are amber but can still accept leisure for some reason.

Unless people can prove it’s for work etc it’s against government guidelines as most amber are none leisure so TUI are cancelling those bookings.

It’s an awful thing to say, but this might end up being a none issue and would be a shame but the flights are potentially going to cancelled.

[lunar1]

Neither DH or I would even consider this in the current situation. There is no way to know what changes might happen, with the addition of having to quarantine separately for to just too much.

In normal times DH and I take trips without each other with no problem either side, but it's just too complicated right now!

[redtshirt50]

Really difficult, but I would tell him to go. He'll only ever get to be his mates best man once (hopefully), and you have plenty of years ahead of you for family holidays.

I can totally see how it's really inconvinient and rubbish for you though. I agree maybe be can compromise and miss one of the other stag do's? If this is possible then you two can do something together that weekend.

Or maybe your parents could come for a few days / you go to them to make it easier?

I don't imagine there'll be a problem with flight demand, there will be plenty of people willing to break the rules to go away for a week in the sun.

[lunar1]

Sorry for the typos!

[Scarlettpixie]

I think he should only go if the country is on the green list thus removing the need for quarantine. No one should be travelling to amber countries for ‘leisure’. If he goes will his travel ins be valid?

In terms of childcare, I am sure you could cope for a week. Make easy meals in advance or buy in easy food. Don’t worry about doing much other than being mum. Loads of people don’t have any support and they manage. Single parents, those whose partners work away or are useless etc.

[KateTheEighth]

Blimey - a wedding abroad in an amber country?

I know I'm missing the point completely but what possesses these people? A wedding abroad is a PITA in "normal" times but that's a huge ask of your DH and your family.

Too much hassle, too risky and too disruptive.

[ChocOrange1]

Could you go and stay with your parents the week after he comes back - he can quarantine at your house to save money on a hotel, and you would have some help with the kids (assuming your parents are supportive)

[user1466068383]

@Coldties thank you, that’s interesting.
It would definitely be a lot easier if they whole problem was taken out of our hands by the airlines.

[Pinkpaisley]

I can’t believe he is even considering attending.

[PoppyFleur]

Not something I would contemplate at this stage. So few major airlines are planning to reinstate operations until post 21 June. Flight costs are as yet unknown, testing costs and number of tests needed are also unknown.

A friend has to travel this week for work, from UK to European country, there are no direct flights, a 2.5 hour journey is taking 6 hours, routing is via Amsterdam and the cost which would normally be around £280 is just over £3k when factoring flights and private COVID testing. Luckily workplace is covering it all.

Normality is on the horizon but it’s not here yet, travel is definitely possible but the cost and convenience is not yet fully understood. Plus travel insurance and what it will cost and cover.

YANBU and for that reason I wouldn’t want to be committing to a summer trip abroad.

[Georgeatemyhat]

Agree with @mindutopia there needs to be trade off, short few days trip for wedding, quarantine away from your DD so she can't be prevented from attending her Dad's wedding, and forego the stags. Then he still has annual leave left for a family break with your 5 year old as well, which with a new baby in the family would be good.

[PurplePlain]

Wedding and 2 stag do's while you're at home sounds a bit too much. In his situation I'd go to the wedding, but not the stags, and do my best to make things easier at home before I went/after I got back. He should probably accept he has to compromise somehow.

[Rmka]

OP, that's a tough choice. First of all I'd probably say he shouldn't go because the country is on amber list and it means it's against the law, and there's no protection for any bookings made, flights, accomodation.
Ignoring that, you could try to compromise: he either goes on stag dos or the wedding. This way he'll still have holidays left for a family break. And he can check with the groom what's more important to him.
Or maybe you could encourage your husband to say to the groom he'll go if the country is added to the green list. He could then arrange his flights etc. if that's possible?
On a side note I had to quarantine last year (the country was taken off the travel corridor list while I was away) and the rules then meant only I had to stay at home (if I developed symptoms, then the whole house had to quarantine). I think the rules are the same now.

[CloverHilla]

Could he go to the wedding for 2 days but not the week? And then with quarantine he is out of the house for only 1 week?
It's a difficult decision.

[lola006]

I’m not the tit for tat type but he’d really owe you big time once you’re able to leave the DC for longer periods. The stag do’s are one thing, the wedding abroad during Covid is another and then the 10 quarantine on return is just something else. All in, I’d be booking my 2022 hols alone after he’s gotten his this year or something has to give.

[Ginger1982]

Yeah I think if he does go he should just go for a couple of days and not the full week. Otherwise he gets a week of partying and then another week or so lounging around a hotel? Fuck that. Or, he gives up going on his stag weekends.

[Bibidy]

Is there any way you could also go to your parents' for a break for part of the week?

I am guessing the wedding destination is too far for your DH to go for just a couple of days? If not, he should do that.

[user1466068383]

Thanks for all the advice everyone - just wanted to clear up a a few points that I didn’t make clear in the original post.
I’m actually usually really chilled about solo-parenting. I was single for 18 months with a young baby before meeting DH - so I’ve got that pretty sorted.
DH job is demanding, he leaves the house at 7:30am and gets back at 7pm, plus works every third Saturday so I do a lot of parenting on my own as it is.
Both my parents live 2+ hours away, and have busy lives and jobs of their own so are not available for much support.
The reason I’m against two weeks / 10 days on my own at the moment is that our baby has bad reflux, until a few weeks ago she was waking every two hours in the night to BF, needed to be held upright to feel comfortable and wouldn’t nap for longer than 20 mins during the day, unless in the sling or lying on me. Luckily I gave up dairy and she’s improved so much - she now sleeps in her cot at night and only wakes a couple of times during the night and will go down for two hour naps during the day - but she needs a lot of super soon to do this, gentle patting to help her stay asleep at the 40 min mark etc.
I’m pretty exhausted from the last three months, as we also moved house when the baby was 6 weeks old. So although I am usually a very independent mother I feel at the moment I do need that extra support DH offers.

[Allllchange]

I think my concern at the moment would be if it were to suddenly become a red country with no real warning and him have to then pay to quarantine in a hotel at huge cost and you being left on your own even longer. I think it's ok to say please don't in this situation.

[NeilBuchananisBanksy]

Which country is it?

Has he offered to give up the stag do? What does he think about it all?

[FinallyHere]

DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

And yet, and yet, they have chosen to get married abroad... Having him as best man cannot really have been all that high up their list of priorities.

I would expect DH in that situation to decide that he just didn't think it was right at this time. Maybe they will have DC quickly and you will become close.

Or this might be the point at which their lives diverge.

It might be disappointing for him but that is where he is in his life at the moment, in these strange circumstances.

What would happen if he did test positive while out there and. Oils to get a flight back? Or if flights were cancelled, he might have to 'queue' for a seat. Once you think through not just the everything works ideally path, this will become much clearer for you and most importantly to him

You should not be having to make this decision. He should be realising that it doesn't work for so.many.reasons.