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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

244 replies

user1466068383 · 11/05/2021 12:32

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/05/2021 13:33

@Alwaysandforeverhere Wow, it's very obvious you were just motivated by not having time for people like her ex. He booked his wedding a week after this other one, which presumably was not an issue at all before Covid, something that couldn't have been predicted. He may not have even known about this other wedding at the time. By all means, get on a soapbox about NR dad's, but you're trying to blame him for something completely unnecessarily there.

Abouttimemum · 12/05/2021 13:34

Haha that’s absolute bollocks. The ex is not at all the blame.

The couple pressing ahead with a wedding abroad or the DH willing to give up his family time and leave his wife hanging at home are you blame.

We’re in a global pandemic ffs

FinallyHere · 12/05/2021 15:28

Leaving everything else aside for a moment, OP took on most of the burden of moving house, with a very new baby, because he didn't want to 'waste' his holiday.

In what universe would it be fair for him to use up all that carefully saved leave to so go off without his family and so that there is not enough leave left for a family holiday this year?

Time for a conversation to remind him of his responsibilities as a father.

KizzyMoo · 12/05/2021 16:37

He should definately go it's his best mate and he is best man. Never will he get that back and will regret it. It's only 2 weeks op you will be fine.

midnightstar66 · 12/05/2021 17:34

This is a situation that's unlikely to ever occur more than once in a lifetime so I'd be saying go. I do think the bride and groom are crazy though and suspect unless restrictions change all the flights will be cancelled anyway or the wedding/holiday part unable to go ahead

Quartz2208 · 12/05/2021 17:35

I think you also need to have a good long chat with your partner as well. There seems to be an undercurrent in this that you have changed a lot in your life, moved away etc but his life has remained the same.

Not only that but his priorities of holidays and stuff havent shifted into the fact that he is now a parent. I think you need to tell him that you are his priority - that doesnt mean that he cant do these things but that his family needs to b considered in any decision that he makes.

And carve out some time for yourself.

And hope the wedding gets moved - thinking of a wedding in Spain at the moment seems madness

pollypot123 · 12/05/2021 17:36

You need to check the travel insurance position. Often if you travel against FCO advice then you won’t be covered by your insurance. For me that would be the deal breaker, regardless of the quarantine position.

SpeedRunParent · 12/05/2021 17:43

Don't want to be unreasonable but can you not cope with two children on your own for a couple of weeks? It's really not as bad as you might think. Lots of women manage on their own when partners work away. This is a special circumstance.
Maybe you could suggest that he can the can one or both of the stag's?

Cheekyweegobshite · 12/05/2021 17:59

Honestly, it seems like this wedding/holiday is the tip of the iceberg. He sounds extremely selfish. Only you know whether this is the case or if it's a case of adjusting to family life and being a parent.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 12/05/2021 18:28

@SpeedRunParent

Don't want to be unreasonable but can you not cope with two children on your own for a couple of weeks? It's really not as bad as you might think. Lots of women manage on their own when partners work away. This is a special circumstance. Maybe you could suggest that he can the can one or both of the stag's?
It's not just the 2 weeks though, it's the fact that it means they don't get a family holiday this year in favour of this ridiculous wedding. He also couldn't take any time off to deal with their move, he didn't want to waste his holiday he said, so that all fell on OP to deal with. He won't budge on any of it and the OP is just meant to suck it up?

I also don't think we should compare stag-dos/days long destination weddings with work trips🙄

SEMPA1234567 · 12/05/2021 18:41

I don’t think your being unreasonable to think this way, it’s going to be a complete nightmare for you having to do all the childcare while he’s away/in quarantine.

If it were me though I’d probably tell him to go. If he’s the best man and the groom is a very close friend I would feel bad telling him not to go and letting the bride/groom down. I think it’s just one of them situations where even though it’s going to be a pain in the bum for you, you should just go with it and support your partner.

DeciduousPerennial · 12/05/2021 18:52

I’d want him to be able to go, but I’d expect him to realise that he shouldn’t and act accordingly. I’d also expect the bride and groom not to do the ‘disappointed but understanding’ schtick to try to guilt hi into going.

GameSetMatch · 12/05/2021 19:00

Can you go and spend a week with one set of grandparents as a bit of a Holiday, whilst DH attends the wedding?

Bertiebiscuit · 12/05/2021 19:03

Neither of you should go - this is unacceptable and I don't understand anyone willing to have a wedding in this situation - however much they are valued friends - they are being unwise to say the least - DH needs to man up and say no and tell them why

LovelyIssues · 12/05/2021 19:04

Of course your DH should go! It's his best friend's wedding and he is the best man! I wouldn't take no for an answer

LovelyIssues · 12/05/2021 19:05

@SpeedRunParent I completely agree. I wouldn't have children if I couldn't cope with them alone for 2 weeks.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 12/05/2021 19:06

Honestly don’t go overseas if you absolutely don’t have to. The capacity for testing for overseas trips just isn’t there, even now it is problematic with hardly anyone travelling. It is also very expensive.
They are checking up as well, we have people who can’t get tested as private testing isn’t working (you can’t use NHS testing for this as won’t get Cert) and so still in quarantine.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/05/2021 19:07

I think you're overthinking it. He can just come home, like most people will he doing.

Eightiesfan · 12/05/2021 19:19

Unfortunately this is a no win situation. I haven’t read all posts so this may have been suggested, but are you able to go and stay with family for a week? You say your parents don’t live near you, so they might like to spend some time with their grandchildren. If Spain is still on the amber list then it would be irresponsible for him to go, but as others have said it is likely he might take the risk if it’s that important to him to attend.

TBH, I too would feel annoyed if my DP swanned off abroad to attend a wedding, leaving me at home with a young child and a baby.

But looking for a silver lining, when baby is older he would be in no position to object if you arranged a getaway with your girlfriends and left him to look after the kids.

Mulhollandmagoo · 12/05/2021 19:23

@GCAcademic

Why does he need to go for the full week? Surely this should be reduced drastically now that quarantine is a factor, so that he can keep the total time as close to a week as originally planned.
Is this an option, Could he just go for a few days, reducing the amount of time you need to parent alone? (Two weeks with a baby and a 5yo is a massive massive ask)

In your position, I'd try and compromise with him as I wouldn't want him to miss it, and he doesn't sound like he's been a huge dick about it (??) Could you maybe suggest he has a few days for the wedding, plus the quarantine period in exchange for his couple of stag do's?

How is your relationship with your parents? Are they in the UK? Could you arrange a visit for a few nights for whilst he is gone?

caringcarer · 12/05/2021 19:23

Would he give up stag do tomgo to wedding and then fly home after 1 week? I think. That would give him time to quarentine before dd goes to her Dad's wedding?

cherish123 · 12/05/2021 19:33

Just say you and the DCs can't go. I don't see why DH can't go but let him make the decision. I am sure you can manage on your own while he is away, unless you can't drive or are physically impaired.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/05/2021 19:40

@TiddyTid

Fuck that!

So you've a BF baby plus DC, YOU AND THEM have been on lockdown for the best part of a year and you're sacrificing a family holiday to enable this?

Nope

What @TiddyTid said. It's not just about the OP parenting on her own for whatever length of time, what with one thing and another, it's also that as a result of this, she won't get a family holiday as her OH will have used up all his leave on other people. If the boot was on the other foot, she'd be getting all hell for being selfish and leaving her DH on his own parenting for so long.
NotFrozen · 12/05/2021 19:45

I would support my partner going, but make if clear he owes me a MASSIVE favour, and get my favour booked in asap.

MiddleParking · 12/05/2021 20:31

Whenever there’s posts like this I always think the DHs look pretty desperate, friendship wise. The type of friends who would have a wedding in Spain during a pandemic, including brunch and rehearsal dinner, and requiring ten-day quarantine are not the type of friends who, when they have their own children, would make reciprocal huge family sacrifices for their friend. And being the married man alone at a wedding who’s moved heaven and earth to be there just looks a bit sad.

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