AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[notalwaysalondoner]

If it was just a normal UK wedding and you couldn't go for some reason e.g. kids weren't invited, I'd definitely say your DH should go - I never understand couples that are joined at the hip and can't do anything apart. But it is a really long time. I guess a key question is when in the summer - are we talking June or late August? If the latter, you should be able to look at vaccination trends of that country and get a sense of if you think they'll be downgraded to green by then. If it's early June then it's much clearer what the situation will be. But it is his best friend, so ultimately I would let him make the final decision - if it is really truly his best friend, some men have lots of friends they like to think they are best mates with when actually they're not that close, never meet one-on-one etc.

[Notonthestairs]

I'd be very hacked off that it would mean no family holiday for you all. He gets two stag weekends and a week at a wedding and then quarantine. It does seem heavily weighted in his favour.

[FortniteBoysMum]

Didn't think under 11s have to be tested as so few of them contract the virus. Time your due to travel probably be green. Planning our amber holiday still as by the time we're due end of July we expect the location will be green. If not we will cancel it then as it can be refunded. What is the cancellation policy regarding covid for the venue? Worth looking into if it's still amber at later date can it be refunded. You need to check this as it could also go red in which case your loosing money or forking out thousands for hotel quarantine on return.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Another thought - if as you say the country hasn't made the UK exempt, and if the wedding is quite soon (i.e. June rather than August) so things are unlikely to change, it's likely they won't be allowed to board anyway without quarantining at the other end. I met my friend last night who is an EasyJet pilot and he said with 100% clarity that in that situation before boarding the airline would be checking everyone had a justifiable reason to travel to the other country and if they didn't, they would be refused boarding. If the UK is not on the host country's exemption list then 'going to a wedding' is not normally a justifiable reason unless that country explicitly has an exception for this.

[KatherineSiena]

Assuming he does go and to the stag dos what are his suggestions as to how he might mitigate things? Either in terms of help for you and/or giving you a bit of a break afterwards?

Has he acknowledged that this will be costly not just financially but also eats into his holiday allowance? Has he considered how that will impact you? I was leaning towards saying he should go but I’m wavering somewhat. A marriage doesn’t always have to be a perfectly aligned set of checks and balances but there does need to be give and take. You can’t do all the giving and he does all the taking. He really needs to address this.

[user1466068383]

I think one of the problems here is that I actually don’t think weddings are that important. I know it’s not a popular opinion but I just think they’ve become madly overdone, and it’s less about declaring your love and much more about throwing a big party. In non-pandemic times I’d say brilliant, a huge party is a lovely generous thing to do for all your family and friends - but at the moment they just feel like a huge pressure on everyone involved.
The reason I am invested in my DD attending her fathers wedding is because he and I work hard to have an amicable co-parenting relationship and I wouldn’t want to jeopardise that, or ruin an event that he wants to share with his daughter, by accidentally exposing her to covid or quarantining restrictions. He would be justifiably pretty angry with me - which would be bad for our long term relationship. And I would feel I let my DD down if she missed out on time with her father.
I also think the situation is much simpler with my DD’s fathers wedding - he’s her family, and his wedding is UK based, so there are no covid-restrictions to take into account and it will be simple for her to attend.
This other wedding is much more complicated - they’re close friends, not close family members - and they’ve knowingly picked a destination that poses quite a lot of problems for people to attend.

[NailsNeedDoing]

There’s no reason why he shouldn’t go. He’d be allowed to quarantine in his own home even if there are other people living there, so you wouldn’t have to be alone for very long unless you’re making up extra rules.

It’s his best friend’s wedding and you want him to miss it so that his step daughter can still go to her Dad’s?

YABVVU

[DifferentHair]

@BusyLizzie61 I don't think that's fair, she's said she's perfectly capable of managing and has been a single parent so knows what she is talking about.

She's said it will be an additional strain on her, and she is already burnt out. That's quite different.

Not to mention the cost, risk and the fact it will mean she gets no family holiday at all if he goes.

[user1466068383]

For everyone asking, the wedding is in July and it’s in Spain.
Atm spain hasn’t even opened its boarders for tourism - but I think everyone is assuming they soon will.
I can really see what a difficult position the bride and groom are in, I feel awful for them, especially as they were meant to get married last year and they’ve been stressing about this all year. I’m hoping Spain goes green and none of this will be an issue - I don’t know enough about current covid trends in Spain to know if this is likely.

[SwimBaby]

I think I’d only be happy for my DH to go if the destination is on the green list and if he goes for less than a week.

[DifferentHair]

OP, I'm sorry for you that your DH has put you in this position.

He has a family now, he has to think about these issues and balance everyone's needs. It's not as simple as 'he's my best mate I need to be there come hell or high water'

Absolutely your DD attending her dads wedding is the priority and in these strange times that means being careful in the lead up.

I agree, being married abroad is annoying to me at the best of times but during a pandemic is silly, and whether they intend to or not, the very request that people attend creates a social pressure.

It's not ok that your DH has tossed this hot potato to you. He shouldn't put you in the position of having to say no.

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

I'd let him go and tell him to enjoy himself because I know that is what my DH would do for me and we have a severely disabled DS - his care is full on!

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

The reason I am invested in my DD attending her fathers wedding is because he and I work hard to have an amicable co-parenting relationship and I wouldn’t want to jeopardise that, or ruin an event that he wants to share with his daughter, by accidentally exposing her to covid or quarantining restrictions. He would be justifiably pretty angry with me - which would be bad for our long term relationship. And I would feel I let my DD down if she missed out on time with her father

Could she go to stay with her father before the wedding? You said no, because he's working, but have you asked him? She's his daughter too and if you were ill he'd have to look after her. I never really understand these rigid custody agreements - you're both parents and if you still lived together you'd have to be flexible (like you looking after your other child while your DH goes away if he goes to this wedding).

I think my view would be yes you can go to the wedding (not the stag dos) but only if there are no quarantine restrictions on return by then. I suspect in reality your dd is more likely to catch covid at school in the UK than from your DH.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

And as it is in Spain he would only need to be away a couple of nights - no need for a week.

[DifferentHair]

Honestly, I feel bad for everyone who planned to get married last year- but - in the scheme of a pandemic - that's actually not a tragedy.

If they were desperate to be married they'd have cancelled Spain and planned something simple & local. Like so many other couples have.

They can obviously do what they want but it doesn't follow that you have to burn through your family resources in solidarity.

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

You sound very reasonable OP. I'd probably discourage it tbh but I'm not really into going to weddings abroad.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

I’m hoping Spain will be green fir our honeymoon end of June

But if amber df and I are thinking not to go if have to quarantine and pay for tests

We are both se but being away and then quarantine will be costly

Have you looked at price of flights as will be summer hols

[user1466068383]

@BusyLizzie61 he cannot work from home, his job is client facing. So he will need to take it all as holiday.
Just to be clear - I was a single mum before meeting DH, and did that very happily for 18 months. DH works from 7:30am - 7pm and every third Saturday. So I am well equipped to parent alone - and have been pretty much doing that for the last five years. DH has also taken regular holidays away over the last few years. I’m usually very independent.
However atm I have a 3 month old with bad reflux; we have seen some improvement recently. Buy up until the last few weeks i have been up every 2 hours during the night with her and she has not been able to nap for longer than 20 mins. Luckily I think I’ve finally got her more sorted so she is sleeping longer periods and is in less pain.
However I am absolutely exhausted, and burnt out. We also moved house when the baby was 6 weeks old - and I’m still renovating / unpacking boxes.
Under normal circumstances I would be happy for DH to go - but this year I feel I need more support from him.
I also do not think it’s right that he would use up all his holiday for this, so we could not have a holiday as a family.

[Quartz2208]

I think at the moment it just isnt feasible for him to go and he knows it OP.

I think you need to simply let him try and figure out a way but until it is nearer the time there is simply no knowing if he can make it or not.

Hopefully by June 21st it will be a clearer picture and he can decide from there

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

@user1466068383

For everyone asking, the wedding is in July and it’s in Spain.
Atm spain hasn’t even opened its boarders for tourism - but I think everyone is assuming they soon will.
I can really see what a difficult position the bride and groom are in, I feel awful for them, especially as they were meant to get married last year and they’ve been stressing about this all year. I’m hoping Spain goes green and none of this will be an issue - I don’t know enough about current covid trends in Spain to know if this is likely.

Sorry to harsh but I don't think you should feel that awful for them. Was there a need to rebook their wedding in Spain? I mean it was always going to be a risk! Does your DH really want to go? Given what an inconvenience it will be with quarantining etc? Or is he going because he's a good friend?

[Gitfeatures]

If it's Spain, it's perfectly possible for him to go for a 3/4 days rather than a week.

the wedding is spread over 4 days, rehearsal dinner, wedding, post-wedding brunch and another outing the day after. For some reason my DH seems to think he’d need to be there for the majority of it, definitely the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and brunch as he is best man.

He needs to be there for the wedding, the end. Surely better to just be there for the main event rather than not at all?

[kalikkma]

They might want a decision but the reality now is that no one can commit to attending a wedding overseas in an amber listed country. If it goes green he can consider it then.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Sorry can’t quote a quote

Maybe they did as we did and when was cancelled last year , they rearranged for a year later

We all thought COVID would not be here a year later

[Feedingthebirds1]

@Checkingout811

You said yourself you’ve chosen that for yourself. I don’t see why you can’t have the children for 2 weeks? Ask your DH to quarantine somewhere else so your DD can still attend her dads wedding.

The OP didn't choose being left for so long, and for it having such a knock on effect on the family.

It's not just the wedding. It's several days of jollies, the quarantine afterwards, the cost, plus the stag dos, the amount of annual leave it will take up meaning no family time at all this year.

[waitingforthenextseason]

@PurplePlain

Wedding and 2 stag do's while you're at home sounds a bit too much. In his situation I'd go to the wedding, but not the stags, and do my best to make things easier at home before I went/after I got back. He should probably accept he has to compromise somehow.

This

He can't have it all right now; that's not fair to you.