AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[Checkingout811]

Isn’t testing only for the over 6s in which case your DDswouldn’t be affected?
I think your DH should go and your DD goes to her dads early. Presumably if he’s working she can stay with her step mum?

[YouShouldLeave]

@wingsnthat

This sounds like a win-win situation for him. A lad’s holiday and then the opportunity to stay away from the house/children whilst he quarantines. He’s just given himself an extended break away from all of you

Plus two stag weekends, the man has it made!

[NoSquirrels]

For me, I would let my DH go.

It's the summer school holidays, so you could go to your parents' for a week or so, to get some support. You won't have school runs to factor in, and even if they're at work most days and can't take any time off, you will have company in the evenings and weekends, and some hands-on support at the times of days it's hardest. And different stuff to do, which after the last year of exhausting local options would be very appealing to me! And you and DDs are missing out on the holiday, so you deserve to have a bit of a change of scene.

Additionally, you say "I’m breastfeeding, so need to stay pretty close to the baby & can’t book my own weekends away." - as you can't go away at the moment, I'd be gracious but be making it very clear that as soon as it's possible for you to do so you'll be cashing in

Don't forget in a couple of months the baby will be older and a bit less full-on with feeds and nights (fingers crossed!)

[rookiemere]

I really wouldn't be throwing good money at booking a trip to an Amber destination right now. Is it even possible to get holiday insurance?

I feel sorry for the couple but when you choose to get married abroad you run the risk that not everyone can attend and that goes double when you throw in the covid travel implications.

I'd ask him to say No for the minute but if it moves to Green then he would go. I'm sure there would be some accommodation available even if it's not all in the same villa.

[woofgoesthecat]

I don’t think it’s fair that you should miss out on a family holiday together, it sounds like you need it as much as him. And it shouldn’t have to be your decision to make or feel bad that he can’t go, he sounds pretty selfish to be honest.

[MindyStClaire]

I can't believe he's even considering going. We have a 3yo and a baby, and I would be very unimpressed if DH considered this, and equally unimpressed if he left the ball in my court so I could be the bad guy and get the blame from his friends.

Would your DH fancy taking on what he's asking of you if the tables were turned? Breastfeeding, night wakenings with a refluxy baby and all? I doubt it.

DH travelled a good bit for work pre pandemic when we just had DC1 and it wasn't fun for me but it was fine and I wouldn't have stopped him. But this is a whole other league of unreasonable.

[me4real]

YANBU based on it meaning you can't easily have a famiily holiday.

[Londonmummy66]

I can see that it is difficult for your DH to feel he is letting down a very close friend but I do think that in these circumstances he needs to decline the wedding but offer to do any and everything he can to help so that it doesn't impact the friendship going forward - eg offer to record a best man's speech, organise a party for the no doubt very many friends who won't be going, still go on the stag etc. If need be he can over egg the reflux so that he can't really leave you and the baby atm.

You can also help yourself now by making it clear you think he has made up his mind not to go and tell him a few times how much you appreciate the way that he has so unselfishly put the family first, sympathize with how you know he was looking forward to going and that he will be missing out and hope the stag is great and talk about all the things you will be able to do with the spare leave etc. It will make it much harder for him to change his mind............

[loginfail]

@Tlollj

I thought amber countries weren’t for leisure anyway. I’ve might have misunderstood that though.

You haven't misunderstood it, this from

www.gov.uk/guidance/red-amber-and-green-list-rules-for-entering-england#travelling-abroad-from-england

Section entitled: "Travelling abroad from England":


"From 17 May you will not need to complete a declaration form to travel abroad. You should not travel to amber list or red list countries or territories for leisure purposes."

[Blondeshavemorefun]

You should not

Being the words

Not

You can’t

So People will

[Weepingwillows12]

This is a hard one for you both! When in summer and which country make a big difference here.

I would definitely not want my dh to go in your position but I think I would end up sucking it up as a wedding is a one off, especially if he is a best man.

I think I wouldnt be committing to anything yet though as who knows what will happen abroad in the next few months.

[MyDogIsDrivingMeMad]

I wouldn't tell him to go, tbh. I'd support him with ideas for how he can be as involved in his friend's wedding as possible from afar, but I would expect him to make the decision to stay-- and stick to it!

He's a father now. That comes with new responsibilities, including sometimes having to put his family's needs ahead of his own wishes.

These are unusual times, he already has a lot of things planned that will take him away from his family. He needs to accept that this wedding isn't worth the extra stress it will put upon the family. (Not to mention that you wouldn't be able to have a family holiday! That would be so selfish of him!)

[Mylittlepony374]

I'd say go. His friends only getting married once. To be honest I'd probably try and get your 5 year old looked after and go with him and baby. Not sure if that's an option though.

[GabsAlot]

sorry post wedding activity is bollocks it doesnt happen here so its irrelvant-id say i can only make it if i come to the actual wedding nothing else and even then theres the added cost of tests which have to be done privatel and also different countries have their own rules for testing quarantine

you shoud lok on their own countries government website for their own guidance

[DifferentHair]

YANBU

I think it's odd of the couple to push ahead with their plans of a wedding abroad in these circumstances. It's not a reasonable expectation that everyone they care about will be able to take that much additional time, cost, not to mention risk on. If they are realistic they'll understand that these are extraordinary times and some key people won't make it to the wedding.

If it's his best mate, and he's best man, I wouldn't tell him not to go. But geez it's asking a lot of you.

I would at least expect him to cancel the stag weekends he has planned. Why should all the sacrifices fall to you?

And I would have a frank conversation about how the time will be managed and what he plans to do to smooth your path.

[ittakes2]

Is the short version of this he can't go because his stepdaughter can't quaranteen because she would miss her biological father's wedding? Is there a consideration that your daughter could be with her biological dad while the three of you go?
Weddings are irreplaceable events. You've said so yourself because you are being careful about making sure your daughter can go to her dad's wedding.
This is not just a friend's wedding - he has been invited as best man. I would absolutely go. Yes it will be hard on you but you can organise extra mother's help etc when he is away.

[user1466068383]

@Checkingout811

Isn’t testing only for the over 6s in which case your DDswouldn’t be affected?
I think your DH should go and your DD goes to her dads early. Presumably if he’s working she can stay with her step mum?

A few people have asked this. Her step mum to be also works full time so that wouldn’t be possible. They will also be pretty stressed and busy themselves with wedding planning and their extended family.
DD has also never spent more than 4 nights with them, and usually only spends 2. I think it might be a bit of a shock for all of them to have her for a week.

I am the only parent who can provide childcare during the week - as I am self employed and have always worked from home (even pre-covid). To be fair I set my life up like that deliberately as I wanted to be with the girls full time, and I know I’m really fortunate to be able to do that. However it does mean I’ve watched both my ex and DH go off on 2 week long holidays whilst I stay home and look after my DD. I still go on holidays with DD, so don’t feel hard done by, but I’ve only had one 5 day holiday without children since she was born. I guess that’s why I feel DH should make a sacrifice for us - but I can see it from his point of view as well, as it’s such a good friend of his.

[aSofaNearYou]

I struggle with weddings abroad incurring high costs for guests in the best of times, but it seems extra ridiculous this year. That said, assuming budget allows, I'd be thinking along the same line as others saying try to find a compromise. He could go to the wedding, but for less days, skip any long stag dos etc.

[AntiBlueVelvetStars]

Agree with letting him go but on the understanding that he sacrifices the upcoming stag do’s. My friend is a military wife and often has to go it alone for long periods including the birth and 1st 8 weeks of their 2nd child’s life, it won’t be easy but you’ll manage and you have time to prep and get meals ready in freezer, arrange friends the older child can go to dinner with etc to lessen your load.

[Devlesko]

YABU, he should go.
Plenty of women are on their own with babies and toddlers.
It's only for a week.
Could he not just go for the wedding/ couple of days?

[BusyLizzie61]

@user1466068383

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

I find it utterly bizarre, that so many parents are incapable of managing their own children for a matter of days!

It's 2 weeks of managing you own children during the holidays with no expectations on what you have to do and when. How exciting! You could fill the time with lovely activities, go away, whatever.

Let him go if you feel the risk is too much. Can he wfh for the quarantine, be that home or hotel?

[Checkingout811]

You said yourself you’ve chosen that for yourself. I don’t see why you can’t have the children for 2 weeks? Ask your DH to quarantine somewhere else so your DD can still attend her dads wedding.

[1frenchfoodie]

Are yiu sure he needs to quarantine away from you? For amber countries you can quarantine at home; you are ‘encouraged’ to minimise contact with other household members but there is no policing. Obviously there is a separate question abou whether you’d want hom to be separate from you.

[ChloeCrocodile]

I'd say overall, the week long destination wedding plus two stag dos add up to too much time for you to be in charge of childcare and means no family holiday. However, if he'd prefer to go to the one wedding for a couple of days (not the whole week) and forgo the stag parties I'd support that.

[nancywhitehead]

If he's best man then it must be a really important friend.

On that basis I would say do everything you can to make it possible for him to go.

I also think it's a bit daft for people to be arranging weddings abroad at the moment though and expecting people to be able to go (I know you said they weren't pressuring him, but they've obviously made it clear they're "gutted", which must add some guilt to the whole situation).