AIBU Should DH go to the wedding?

[user1466068383]

For background, me and DH have a 3 month old baby and I also have a 5 y/o from a previous relationship.
My DH’s best friend is getting married this summer (postponed from last year), DH is best man.
The problem is the wedding is planned abroad - in a country that’s currently on the amber list. The couple (who are lovely) are going forward with it and have messaged everyone to say they completely understand if they can’t make it due to the quarantine period but they need to know in the next month for booking villas etc.
The couple have planned a week long holiday celebration/ holiday situation. We were originally going to take both DD’s and treat it as a bit of a holiday.

However with current restrictions this will not be possible. Eldest DD is attending her fathers wedding the following weekend so cannot quarantine. I am also nervous to put two young children through the testing, it’s difficult enough getting a brush through DD’s hair - let alone sticking a swab up her nose. I also have my reservations about travelling to an amber country at all, looking at what’s happening in India and concerns over new covid variants etc, it seems unwise to risk undermining the UK’s vaccination programme.

However I do understand this is DH’s best mate and he’s best man and he’s really disappointed to not be able to go.

Here’s my AIBU - it’s pretty clear that me and the kids won’t be able to go if the country remains amber, I’m fine with that tbh. Sad to miss the party but forgein travel with small children + covid seems like a nightmare atm and potentially risky.

But should I say to DH that he should go? The problem with this is that he’d go for the week and then need to quarantine away from us for at least 5 days if not 10... this leaves me with a young baby and a child alone for around two weeks, during the summer holidays (both parents are 2+ hours away and I don’t have much support with childcare etc). I can’t say I’m over the moon at the thought of doing all the parenting whilst he’s off partying with our friends. It also eats up a lot of DH’s holiday from work - so we can’t have a family holiday together. DH is also booked to two weekend stag do’s this summer as well, so he’s getting a lot more adult holiday time that me.
Am I being unreasonable to say he should stay at home with us & miss out being next man?

For the record both the couple and DH have been really understanding and haven’t pushed for DH to go, but I can tell they’re all gutted.

What do you think, am I being Unreasonable?

[Stevearnottsbeard]

I can't even contemplate the idea of going abroad for at least another year so would be very wary of my husband wanting to go away. If they're all so desperate for him to go, could he skip the stag do's so he has more time/money for the family? Personally I'd prefer him to go to both stags but skip the wedding, could that be a compromise?

[Heyduggee123]

I have 2 year old twins. My DH has an opportunity to go to the states for 2 weeks training for a new system that is being implemented. I'd love for him to go as it would be so beneficial for his work, but we both said he could only reasonably go if he didn't have to quarantine on his return.

If he had to quarantine he'd be away for nearly a month which is totally unreasonable.

So I think you are definitely not being unreasonable.

[CutieBear]

Does he have to go for the entire week? I’d be more concerned about having to care for 2 young DC alone whilst DH was off having fun on a week long holiday. Covid or no Covid.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

In all honesty, and I know it's out of your hands entirely, I think the couple should continue to defer their wedding until things have settled down a bit more!

But since that's not an option, I guess I'd have to tell DH that the decision is in his hands - leave it entirely up to him whether or not he chooses to go, but lay out everything that will mean to him in clear and calm fashion, so he knows what he's asking of you.

I'd also say "ok do this but no other stag weekends - can't afford the time or money for them".

[newnortherner111]

I think he should stay at home. It might be an idea for him to offer to help host an event in this country post pandemic to celebrate in some way, perhaps on their first anniversary. Your DH won't be the only person unable to attend.

[Feedingthebirds1]

If DH has already accepted that he won't be going (and assuming from what you've written that he's come to that conclusion on his own), why do you need to rock the boat and say he can/can't go? His choice seems to suggest that he's already decided where his priorities lie.

[SenselessUbiquity]

Weddings are more important than stag dos. If you agree that you can manage without him a certain amount of time this year, which is fair, and agree a certain budget that he can spend on social stuff that isn't family time, he should (IMO) "spend" it on the wedding of the friend who chose him to be best man, over stag dos. He can't do them all unless he can do something pretty drastic to make it up elsewhere - book unpaid leave to support you or holiday with you or let you go away? That all gets rather contrived and even more expensive - he just needs to pick his top priority and do that.

[Mistymountain]

I think it all sounds too much and too complicated, with the quarantine/testing/flight availability added in. I certainly don't think that he should attend both the wedding and also go on the stag dos .

[ensete]

If it were me I'd leave the decision up to him, but I'd voice my opinion that two weekend stag dos, a wedding abroad and a potential quarantine was an excessive amount of grown up only time without you, with such a young baby.

Quite frankly I'd judge any bride and groom who were selfish enough to put their friends and family in this situation in the present climate. I'm guessing they don't have children.

[BlueVelvetStars]

Im amazed at the amount of overseas/destination Weddings

[Lostinthemail]

I don’t think it’s fair towards his own family to spend so much of holiday time and money on someone else’s wedding (why two stags?)... There’s no way I’d encourage him to go and I really hope he’s smart enough to see it’s unfair to you and the children.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

When I had Dd aged 5 and Ds a baby I spent most of the summer hols staying with various family, all around 2 hours away. So I think it’s doable for you to spend some of his time away with family for support. Not the time immediately before your ex’s wedding obviously as it’d be too much for her tiredness wise I expect.

I agree you DH definitely has to isolate away from Dd though. This means extra cost to the family which needs to be factored in.

I think it’s better if he misses the stag dos than the actual wedding though.

[Ilovelove]

I think they are choosing a destination wedding so in fact they are choosing to eliminate most people to go to the wedding by the amount of barriers including cost, time and risk.

Secondly, you have two (and one very young) children.

And so I think it would be really 'off' for you and your husband to put yourselves out so much for a couple who are just doing exactly what they want to do regardless of the cost or consequences to any one else.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

What country is it

Could he fly in day before wedding and then home day after

Flights are also going to be a lot if haven’t booked and summer hols

Maybe things will lessen in summer hols so may be green

If green would you be happy for dh to go

Amber means I think, test before go and two tests once home so 3 tests equalling £300 §+

Plus quarantine for 10 days

[GabsAlot]

why does he have to go for a week-also it could change whilst hes out there then what he'll have to go into a hotel for ten days if its a red list country

[Waiting423]

I’d suggest he goes purely for the wedding and then returns home to quarantine . I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all though .

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

No, he shouldn't go. It's pretty selfish of him to even consider it considering all the other constraints.

[Wiredforsound]

I think in his shoes I would tell them he can’t make a decision yet, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. At the moment the quarantine is too long but if the status changes to green he could attend and find his own accommodation nearby. I agree that using two weeks of annual leave in addition to the week away is just too much.

[user1466068383]

Hey everyone, again thank you all for suggestions and advice.
Just to clear up some more points - the wedding is spread over 4 days, rehearsal dinner, wedding, post-wedding brunch and another outing the day after. For some reason my DH seems to think he’d need to be there for the majority of it, definitely the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and brunch as he is best man. I have to say I have my suspicions he just really wants a good few days partying after the last year - which I do understand, but I don’t think it’s fair to do it at mine and the kids expense.
The two stag do’s - one is for this wedding but the other is for a different friends wedding (who he is also best man too) - and he says he needs to be there for both as he has organised both, which again, under normal circumstances I would totally understand. Overall I’m more relaxed about the stags, because both are UK based, so although he’ll be away for a few days he won’t have to risk quarantining etc and all the extra costs that flying in a pandemic bring up.
So far DH has said, with the situation as it is, he won’t go to the wedding, however he keeps coming up with ideas on how to make it work - I can’t say any of them have been that good.
This morning he was wondering if he’d be vaccinated in time to go - I had to explain to him that at the moment people with vaccinations still have to quarantine. So the plan is still under discussion, and I know he still wants to go. I also don’t think he’d be willing to give up either stag do.
I feel like some of this is him having to come to terms with the fact that he’s part of a family now and has to take us all into account when making decisions.
I am definitely going to mention all the extra costs etc that everyone’s brought up and the possibility of a country turning red at the last minute - as I don’t think he has really factored any of that in yet.
Loved someone’s suggestion of arranging a party back in the UK for the bride and groom, if DH decides not to go, seems like a good compromise and a great chance to bring everyone together to celebrate.

[MayorGoodwaysChicken]

I’d be utterly mortified to be asking this kind of thing of people under the current circumstances if I were the bride or groom. If they have any intelligence they will realise the burden these kind of arrangements will be placing on guests and their families....frankly I’d be so embarrassed to ask that of people for my wedding, I wouldn’t dream of going ahead with it.

[JesusIsAnyNameFree]

the wedding is spread over 4 days, rehearsal dinner, wedding, post-wedding brunch and another outing the day after

This isn't normal, is it?! Jesus Christ, why is one day of celebrations not enough 😂

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Never understood rehearsal dinners

Just makes the wedding double the cost and time

What country is it

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Abs if he is best man for another friend. When is their wedding or is that U.K.

[Tlollj]

The only thing that would worry me is the status of the country changing while he’s there. If it goes to red he’s buggered.
I thought amber countries weren’t for leisure anyway. I’ve might have misunderstood that though.
The dilemma may well be taken out of his hands anyway if he’s flights are cancelled.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

No I would be pissed off if my dh wanted to do that. I wouldn't leave him alone with the kids for 2 weeks so I could go to a wedding, it wouldn't be fair, so I wouldn't expect him tk think he could do it. Especially if he has other stag do's to go to (which always seem to need to be long weekends or weeks abroad these days. Not sure why)