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Original poster

How common are 'double lives'?

280 replies

MerryAnton · 11/05/2021 07:52

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

OP posts:
longwayoff · 11/05/2021 07:56

You are right. He is dodgy.

Zzzzzzxxx · 11/05/2021 07:57

Dose your friend realise she is the other women ??

notanothertakeaway · 11/05/2021 07:59

Your friend is very naive. .... or deliberately turning a blind eye

AcornCups · 11/05/2021 08:02

That’s just very probably your friend being naive, has she met any of his friends and relatives? That’s her seeing what she wants to.

DH Uncle led a real double life. He worked overseas on huge projects as lead civil engineer. Aunt was at home with three children in a very beautiful house. Transpired he had a live in girlfriend in the country he was living in for almost six years. They divorced.

MoreAloneTime · 11/05/2021 08:03

I wouldn't expect double loves to be commonplace but this situation sounds like it probably is one.

BohemianRaspbery · 11/05/2021 08:03

my uncle had a marrige and 3 kids to his wife and a girlfriend with 2 kids to her nobody knew a thing they only found out about each other when the girlfriend put a picture of him and their kids in the local paper for a fathers day section.

Original poster
MerryAnton · 11/05/2021 08:04

:(

I've met him twice. The first time, he told me in the first 2 minutes of meeting that he'd had cancer. I honestly felt like he was trying to manipulate sympathy as a ploy to be somehow endearing. My DH has met him, who likes everyone, but says there is something off about him.

3 years seems a long time to keep a lie up though, and I can't imagine his wife is happy only seeing him every other weekend? If they are still together I wonder if he just blames 'work'?

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 11/05/2021 08:07

It sounds like his version of reality isn't the same as reality. I'd trust your instincts on him.

To be honest I don't think it's a great idea to date someone still in the process of a divorce anyway.

Original poster
MerryAnton · 11/05/2021 08:08

@notanothertakeaway

Your friend is very naive. .... or deliberately turning a blind eye
She is a very trusting person and has suffered with low self esteem. She was single for 15 years prior to meeting him, for all I know she could be well aware the situation isn't what he says but happy enough with it! I don't want to cross the line to bring it up with her, as long as she's happy. Also been telling myself it could all be true!
OP posts:
Floobydo · 11/05/2021 08:11

A friend’s dad suddenly announced he wasn’t going on their family holiday because he was leaving to be with the girlfriend he had been with for 6 years.

And a family friend who worked away half the week suddenly turned out to have a partner and child in the work location as well as a wife & teenage children at home. I can’t remember how that one came out, the child was about 3 when it did though so was clearly a long-term thing.

So maybe it is more common than we think.

Personally I don’t know how people have the time / brain space for such complicated lives!

RhubarbCustardy · 11/05/2021 08:13

Maybe tread carefully as you don't want to lose a friendship over this esp as she might need your support when it all falls apart. What I don't understand is why she hasn't met his kids after all this time. Think you'll have to stay out of it if you've hinted and she just doesn't get it or doesn't want it.

RhubarbCustardy · 11/05/2021 08:14

Want 'to'

alldaysleeper · 11/05/2021 08:14

My father had another family for several years without my mum having any knowledge at all until his other partner turned up at the house with two kids. Several of his friends who we all knew knew all about this relationship but kept it secret. This was in the 70's though, I imagine it would be much harder to do nowadays with the way the world is connected.

Jonnywishbone · 11/05/2021 08:31

My ex dated a guy who had a secret family. Everything about him apart from his career was a lie. Eg still married and not divorced, photos of holidays shared carefully to make it look like he was alone, lies about his children being in hospital. He was texting morning, noon and night and taking his wedding ring off. All kinds of things. He was mentally ill.

OnlyInYourDreams · 11/05/2021 08:31

I think it’s an awful lot more common than we think. Not necessarily another wife and family kind of thing, but e.g. I think that a lot of people who work away from home have a family at home and a gf in their work location.

I know two people who it turned out were part of such a setup. Someone I worked with - her DH worked away and had a GF living in his flat with him. She went down to surprise him and discovered her there.

And someone my eXH worked with had had a GF in his home town and a live-in gf where he worked. We didn’t know him until after all this had come out. He’d left his job etc when his wife discovered the affair, he moved back to where she was, but a year or two later he did go back to work there again, and this was when eXH met him.

coronabeer · 11/05/2021 08:36

This happened to a friend of mine. Happily married (so she thought) with three kids at primary school. High earning husband, nice lifestyle. Husband working away a lot. I'd met her husband and he'd seemed nice enough as far as I could tell. Friendly, chatty but not flirty or anything.
She saw by chance a message on his phone which had no other explanation other than that there was another woman - something enquiring about domestic arrangements along the lines of: "Will you be able to let the plumber in tomorrow morning, darling? And can you pick up some nappies on the way home". Turned out he had a flat, girlfriend and small child in London where he spent part of the working week. Friend had no suspicions at all beforehand, thought she was happily married. Turned out the girlfriend thought he was married but separated and she had no idea about the children.
Last I heard, friend's husband had married to his "girlfriend", but that was a few years ago. My friend got a very good divorce settlement and I suppose the one good thing about him is that he has continued to be very financially generous towards her and his children. They continue to live very comfortably, but I don't think my friend will ever really get over it.

(Changed a couple of details to protect friend's privacy).

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC · 11/05/2021 08:37

There's no way this is true. 3 years and never met his kids? 80% of his wage agreed but they haven't even gone through divorce proceedings? Who would agree to 80%!? You can't live on under 1k in a private rental alone! Wife obviously thinks he's only on 60kish and that they're sharing finances.

What a rat.

WouldBeGood · 11/05/2021 08:38

Yep, happened to a friend of mine too.

OnlyInYourDreams · 11/05/2021 08:42

I would say that the 80% paid to the ex wife probably means the friend knows she is the OW.

I think it’s entirely possible to keep two families from each other if they live far apart, and there are plenty of posters here who have never met their OH’s children for numerous reasons. Personally I think it rings alarm bells if you haven’t met the kids within about 6 months but to each their own on that one.

But the amount of money he pays across would suggest to me that the GF knows a lot more than she is letting on.

MidgeRidge · 11/05/2021 08:44

My sister got involved with someone like this. Same story spun about the state of the marriage. Would have gone on longer if she hadn’t found out he was on a happy family holiday when he was meant to be away with work.

GnusSitOnCanoes · 11/05/2021 08:45

I think it’s more common than you might imagine. When I was growing up, we knew a lovely family: really social couple, very in love with two young sons - a happy, close family.

Years later, we learned the husband had a second family with his business partner - two daughters that he’d kept secret for a decade. His wife found out because she picked up the phone extension at home and heard them talking. I was always amazed that he managed to keep the children a secret - can you imagine never mentioning them, or slipping up? I don’t know how he did it.

minniemomo · 11/05/2021 08:45

The sorting the divorce out I get, neither mine nor dps is finalised because in my case I'm a cheap skate and waiting for exh to file, in his covid has dragged it out. The going back every weekend I'm suspicious, actually not the going back, the 80% salary handover. I get generous maintenance from exh even stay over at his but I get 20% salary!

SuziQuatrosFatNan · 11/05/2021 08:45

Ime it happens a fair bit with people who have work contracts where they're in a different country for extended periods and then return to the home country for a few weeks. I've certainly known guys who have done this.

In your friend's case it does sound dodgy but also like she's not yet at the stage where she can face what's going on. I guess all you can do is support her when she does.

Bouledeneige · 11/05/2021 08:48

But OP does he only sees the wife and kids every other weekend? That's not a marriage. Or do you think he sees her more than that?

WouldBeGood · 11/05/2021 08:49

Oh, and an old boss did it too, though he then ended up living with both families...