How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

I guess women just don’t want two husbands!

I think the families met for the first time at his funeral

I vaguely recall a TV show in the 80s which was a double life scenario where the two families first met at the funeral. I was very young but the concept really stuck in my mind!

Double life, I would bet my life on it.

Cant you do some digging? Try and get some evidence before you tell your friend.

I'd hire a private investigator

Why would women want two husbands?

I’m sure there are some... think there has been about two talked about on this thread.

@YesIDoLoveCrisps

I guess women just don’t want two husbands!

Oh yeah😁silly me missing the obvious reason🤭

Where are all the stories of women who live double lives, are they just too clever to get caught? who in their right mind would want two husbands? seriously though, while there are probably women out there who live double lives in that they have two partners in different places, it’s impossible to do if you have kids because you’re the one giving birth to them etc.

There are definitely women out there who have affairs and whose children turn out not to be the husband’s though

It just sounds so exhausting!! You’d never be bored though would you

The mother of one of my friends is in a relationship with a guy who lives a double life, she knows she is the OW.

His marital home is up north miles away and he’s in the navy. He is married with kids, but has a relationship with my friends mum that’s been going on for 10 years now.
They go away on camping trips, holidays, both are members of the same gym, have a whole social circle down here and everyone knows what’s happening but for some reason it’s never once been challenged.

I can’t believe it’s gone on for so long undetected by his wife. He has very narcissistic traits, I can’t stand the man.

@OnlyInYourDreams two husbands definitely nightmare!

I vaguely recall a TV show in the 80s which was a double life scenario where the two families first met at the funeral. I was very young but the concept really stuck in my mind!

I probably wouldn't have been allowed to stay up and watch that. I did love Goodnight Sweetheart though, where Nicholas Lyndhurst was a time traveller with a wife in the present day (1990 ish) and an OW during WW2. Probably not a common real world scenario! :)

It would have been harder as a woman years ago as they would have less opportunity to be away from home.
And you couldn’t have a baby with your secret man without your husband knowing.

And, obviously, who’d want two husbands.

@Charlottejbt

I vaguely recall a TV show in the 80s which was a double life scenario where the two families first met at the funeral. I was very young but the concept really stuck in my mind!

I probably wouldn't have been allowed to stay up and watch that. I did love Goodnight Sweetheart though, where Nicholas Lyndhurst was a time traveller with a wife in the present day (1990 ish) and an OW during WW2. Probably not a common real world scenario! :)

Does anyone remember the series Clocking Off from the 00's? I think it was the very first episode where John Simm went home and his wife freaked out, having not seen him for a couple of years. He was a lorry driver and had disappeared to move in with his second family; the twist was he'd been beaten up and had amnesia so when he left hospital he went back to his original family having forgotten about the second one! Brilliant series.

@purrswhileheeats I missed that one, sadly! No idea why, as I was pregnant/breastfeeding while that show was airing and watched a shedload of TV while immobile!

Clocking Off is on Britbox

Just to answer a couple of questions, he doesn't have social media and I don't know his surname (but I know where he works) I would like to dig a bit deeper.

Where they live together is in a rented flat, they're both on the AST, he is the lead tenant. My friend does not want DC and says she doesn't want to get married but I suspect she would like to marry him.

Friend, weirdly, won't even give me her full address. He told her not to give it out in case his ex wife found out, because she's so 'crazy'.

There are just so many little things like that, that make me very suspicious.

She has changed since meeting him too, and says he gets very grumpy with her but she's supportive because he gets depressed and anxious. prob exhausting trying to keep track of his lies

Friend, weirdly, won't even give me her full address. He told her not to give it out in case his ex wife found out, because she's so 'crazy'

Unless you’re his “crazy ex wife”, why won’t she give you her address? 🙄

Your friend is very naive and totally wasting her life on him. She is definitely the OW.

It's classic paint-by-numbers married man lying through his teeth to OW. He could have read a how-to-fool-her manual, it's so on track.

Is he on electoral roll at that address? Probably not but worth a look. Your friend needs a change of partner ASAP, unless she can see him as clearly as the rest of us, in which case she may as well keep him and save another woman from his sorry tale.

Him not having social media is also a bit suss.

I mean, I don't either (apart from this!), but it's a good way for people to stay in touch if they work away from home.

@Alcemeg

Him not having social media is also a bit suss.

I mean, I don't either (apart from this!), but it's a good way for people to stay in touch if they work away from home.

My DH only has Strava and he does have linked but he shares his name with quite a well known person and so tends to get odd requests but great party invites.

@Redcrayons

I dont know if it's accurate but I was told that women in the olden days would sometimes have quite exciting sex lives if their husbands worked away. If you put a box of Omo washing powder in your window it meant 'old man out' and was a sign that frisky gentlemen would get a warm reception.

My grandma said she refused to buy Omo because it wasnt respectable. She always bought Daz.

Maybe that's where the 'milkman's child' trope comes from?

[quote RickJames]@Redcrayons

I dont know if it's accurate but I was told that women in the olden days would sometimes have quite exciting sex lives if their husbands worked away. If you put a box of Omo washing powder in your window it meant 'old man out' and was a sign that frisky gentlemen would get a warm reception.

My grandma said she refused to buy Omo because it wasnt respectable. She always bought Daz.

Maybe that's where the 'milkman's child' trope comes from?[/quote]
This is the best thing I’ve read on here all week.

I think I need to re-evaluate my washing powder preferences.

Gosh!

www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/opinion/letters/11320504.soap-wasnt-squeaky-clean/

I think it's really common. I know of 2 people who have led double lives. First was a colleague who did it for 3 or 4 years - he lived between 2 houses, had totally separate lives with them both. He was eventually found out by one of the girlfriends.
Another was a relative - he kept it up for 20 years, had children with both women and they all lived in the same small town. How he got away with it for 20 years I'll never know.

Am watching "Mrs Wilson", tv drama in which Ruth Wilson plays her own grandmother. Mr Wilson, grandad, had a very interesting life which came as a surprise to her on his death as diverse and previously unknown families fell out of the woodwork. It's an excellent production on iplayer. Ruth Wilson plays it wonderfully well.