How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

Exercise caution. We were friends with a couple where the guy worked in housing for the local authority. With hindsight he did work long and often unusual hours, getting called out at short notice. Even with the long hours, his wages had not increased. It turns out he had a separate partner with a young son elsewhere (he was 3 and at nursery when his wife found out). He had kept this up for nearly four years before it came crashing down. His wife genuinely had no idea and was devastated when this came to light. He always had excuses for why he needed to go out or stay over night, but with hindsight these reasons/excuses were clearly rubbish. He had turned up to nativity plays, parents days and all other things. He was an excellent liar and very convincing. Almost to the point where he seemed to believe the lies he was telling. When caught, he said that monogamous marriages were simply a social construct and that this did not match with the male nature- more bullshit basically. This and other experiences makes me less trusting of human nature in general. If something does not add up, I would certainly query it and I would encourage your friend to do so.

He has said that he doesn't want my friend to meet his kids because they'll blame her for the marriage break up and will dislike her, and he doesn't want that. She has never wanted kids, so i think she feels relieved she doesn't have to be 'step mum' and so isn't aware this could be a red flag.

He just always seem to have an answer for everything and she admittedly doesn't push it. I just really find him 'off'. He even lied about his age before they moved in together, she only found out when she needed to put his details in when booking a holiday and just grabbed his passport.

I hope she doesn't get hurt. But I feel bad for the wife too :(

I really hope I'm wrong, too cynical, and it is legitimate, albeit unusual.

The first date they had, she text me saying there was no spark, he was a bit odd, and he may be a nice new friend. He then love bombed her with presents, attention and compliments, and now she says it was love at first sight.

Grandfather's brother - complete double life. Didn't come out till after he had died and there were basically two wives and sets of children trying to arrange his funeral.

How old is she? You said she'd been single for 15 years before him so guessing they are both at least 40s.

I don't think for a minute he is telling the truth.

why delay a divorce for 3 years?
Why did his wife want to delay it anyway?

It's all bollocks as is the 80% of his income being agreed. How could he live on £20K?

Your friend is being taken for a ride.

The question is - you say it's not your business but you clearly feel it is enough to ask for opinions here - so what next?

She's getting hurt already. She's complicit in a lie. Unless she is utterly stupid, she knows. As his wife is supposedly 3 hrs away the odds on the meeting or finding out via gossip is remote.

If I were her, I'd get in the car one weekend when he is away visiting and pay them a visit. Might be a wake up call all round.

One of DH’s colleagues was unwittingly the OW. She didn’t have a clue he had ever been married or had children, he just told her he had to work away every so often and she didn’t think anything of it. They were together for about 5/6 years, lived together, were planning on TTC etc when she discovered the truth.

She’s in her late 40s now and never had children, wasted her late 30s/early 40s on a man who was actually married with kids. Very sad. Not sure how common it is but it definitely happens and does seem like it’s happening here with your friend. If I were her I’d be digging around on the internet, I’d say it’s harder to get away with it nowadays thanks to social media unless they don’t use it or use a fake name with the OW...

There’s no way any man would give his ex wife 80% of his salary, most ex wives are lucky to get 10%.

When Heir Hunters was on TV, I saw more than one case of 2 families, neither of which had a clue about the other, until investigations over who was entitled to inherit brought them to light.

Also, unless your friend has seen his bank account there is no proof he gives the wife 80%!
This could be all lies to sponge off your friend.
Whose name is the rental in? Whose name is on the bills?
She's told you they go 50-50 but somehow I doubt that. He may be claiming living accommodation expenses from work. So in effect the set up is not costing him anything much.

what work does he do?

I think given that he gives such a huge portion of his wages to his "estranged wife" that the "estranged wife" is still the actual wife and he's working 3 hours away so obviously stays to eliminate a 6 hour daily round commute.

Your friend is the OW and he's saving money by living with her and going 50/50 on everything.You friend probably at least suspects all is not as it seems but is turning a blind eye.

Someone would need to pluck the courage to contact his wife and ask her if they are separated.

I've never known anyone do this, but I am reminded of this entertaining BBC comedy about the fallout from someone who has a double life, which is only discovered when he dies www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/p08d6jb0/the-other-one

My friend's dad did it for over twenty years. Stood up one day after family Sunday lunch and said he had been living a double life and wanted it to stop, he was choosing the other life/family. Came back six weeks later and probably reverted to the double life situation then, for the rest of their lives. Both recently died.

My uncle started an affair when my aunt was pregnant with her 2nd dc. It was a lady he worked with. My aunt (and the rest of us) only found out 15 years later that he’d had two children with her and had been leading a double life. Ow always knew he was married. It devastated my aunt and my cousins, who had two half sisters suddenly thrown at them. Craziest thing is, they lived 15 mins drive away in the next town over. I can’t believe he managed to get away with it for so long.

I have to say the sleeping on the sofa sounds like a lie to start with.
We earn nowhere near £60k between us, but we have a spare room!

Wrt your friend, I think that’s an affair situation. Or an open marriage.

My mum tells the story of her friends dad who was calling out for his secret gf on his death bed. They met her at when she came to the funeral. He’d lived two lives for 40 years.

Someone I worked with days before Xmas 2013 discovered her fiancé who was the father of their baby and toddler was having an affair.She found messages on his phone and called the OW.

Turns out OW had been told he was separated from my ex colleague and that he lived with his parents following their break up and had 50/50 custody of their toddler and a full time job so was limited when he could see OW.

Said he couldn't introduce OW to family/child/mates as he was worried his "ex" would find out and said his "ex" was a psycho who said she'd ban him from seeing his toddler if he introduced another woman in his life.Told OW he didn't have Facebook because his "ex" stalked him on there.

The affair had been going on for a year.During that time he and my colleague had had their baby and gotten engaged.He was living with them,did indeed have FB and had been doing "extra" night shifts once a week;where he'd actually be spending the night with OW.

My ex colleague booted him out.The OW obviously had no dignity as she carried on seeing him.

On Valentine's Day a few weeks later he actually took the OW to the same hotel he'd taken his now ex to The previous Valentine's Day.

He very seldom saw his 2 kids with my ex colleague after she kicked him out.They saw even less child maintenance than they saw him too.

He had a kid with the OW and then cheated on her and left her for his new OW.Her kid gets about as much time and money from its dad as it's half siblings do too.

I have posted about this before

When my children started school we made friends with a local family. They DH worked abroad (as had my DH earlier) and only cane back 3 times a year. Chatting one day I asked her why they didnt fly out there- she said it wasn't safe- which was partly true. I said but most people fly to x, y or z which are holiday islands 1-2 hours away and the company gives you the same as an open club price- so using fixed tickets we never had to pay or only paid a bit. She cut me off slightly but I didnt give it a 2nd through

A few weeks later she asked me about it in detail, what did people do, which hotels were best etc etc But then a few months later her DH came home and they went for 2 weeks to Spain- which seemed madness as you could have a luxury holiday in y for the same as a B&B in Spain

We moved house and didn't keep in touch. About 2 years later I was on a becch at dusk in x with my children when another family arrived. I immediately recognised the mans accent as being from my home town and we got chatting. He said he worked in Y country for Z employer. I said ohh- I know XX, does he still work for them?

Turns out that this couple were best friends with him as they had children the same age (and all born when I knew his DW). He had 3 children ranging in age by 7 years- a complete 2nd family.

Ruth Rendell wrote a good story about this scenario, An Unkindness of Ravens.
In real life, I've definitely heard of it happening.

I’m so fascinated by stories of double life. Just how do they keep all the plates spinning?
My friends dad had an OW for a long time. He never got caught but confessed once his youngest got married. Literally the day after. Got divorced and moved her in.

He was in sales, so often had weeks away ‘on the road’ and weekend ‘conferences’. My friend tried to unpick it after he died but gave up and decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

This was years ago, no social media or mobiles so easier to get away with it. How do people manage it with FB and mobiles now?

I was in this situation - luckily not married or with kids. We were together 7 years, I was 20 when i met him, 14 years younger than him. I had my own place and he had his and children so only stayed over 3/4 nights a week which suited a hard partying me fine! This was pre social media or I think he would have been caught out immediately - he wasn't the sharpest! I saw his phone one day and it said the wife so I answered it, turns out he had a girlfriend of 10 years - she was totally deluded and told me i was imagining the holidays etc we had been on, it was really sad. I immediately dumped him, moved town and fast forward 20 years my life is great, she is still with him but i hope they are happy!!. Unfortunately it does mean I have trust issues to the max but we live and learn!!

My dad, many years after he and my mum divorced, was living with his partner and simultaneously had been living with his bit on the side for a couple of years. It all came out and shit well and truly hit the fan, but he's been with the woman who was the bit on the side for about 20 years.

If you met my dad, he's the least likely person to ever do something like that, it was a huge shock for people!

@Mylittlepony374

My dad's (ex) friend did this. Shift working was what let him get away with it... he would tell one girlfriend he was on nights and go to his other home. Two sets of kids. They found out, horrifically, when the girlfriends were both trying on wedding dresses at the same time in the same shop. Started chatting, both marrying firemen named Paul, etc etc.

Christ

Yes my dads dad. He was with my Nan (dads mum) from the age of 16 they was married had kids etc, he was cheating 24.7.
He then met another woman impregnated her and had 2 kids with her, married another woman had 3 kids with her also.
Then numerous more affairs and kids came along. My dad always assumed it was just him and his brother we know of at least 8 siblings.
He's now 83 but was still shagging around as recent as four years ago when he fell over and broke his ankle and had to crawl to his car and drive away from the ow house and then ring an ambulance. He had his last child at 62.

I can kind of understand how someone might get away with a double life for most of the year, but what about Christmas? How do they explain their absence?

She needs to be really careful about her personal financial situation.

A poor woman on here a few years ago discovered after 20 odd years that she was the other woman, the house they lived in together and she maintained was in his name only.

She ended up effectively destitute because she'd sunk all her money into a lifestyle and property she had no legal right to. It was shocking.

A friend was in this situation, she was married to him and they had a child.

He worked away a lot and didn’t take much holiday and was so important he couldn’t be spared for special occasions but wasn’t well paid. A few of us wondered if he had OW but never said anything as our friend was smitten with him. Their dc was going through his phone and saw photos of him playing happy families with his fiancée and two small children.

The fiancé had no idea apparently about the first family but she stayed with him and they later married.

For every woman wondering when these men find time to have two families - it is because of your unpaid labour. While you run around doing everything for him and for his kids, he is free to pursue other interests.

If I was required to do as little for my kids as most men are, I would surely find the time to have another set elsewhere with some other mug doing all the donkey work/massaging my ego.