How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

I think telling you he'd had cancer within 2 minutes of meeting him is a bit of a give-away. Whenever I read about men leading double/multiple lives, terminal illnesses seem to be a key part of the storyline they like to spin.

I was once the 'victim' of a type of double life.

New man told me he was separated. That wife had left. We always met on my territory as that was where we both worked and he lived 35 miles away. Told me he shared a flat with his mate who was always there so I never saw it/ him.

After 9 months there were too many odd things going on - like cancelled dates, last minute.

I decided to pay an unannounced visit. Flat mate was a woman- the wife. She'd come back but he had forgotten to tell me :)

Need less to say that was the end of it.

His wife probably thinks he works away.

How on earth do people have time for this? I don't have enough time to live my one life!

@Bouledeneige

But OP does he only sees the wife and kids every other weekend? That's not a marriage. Or do you think he sees her more than that?

I used to work in an environment where most of us were there on a weekly commute basis, but with plenty of weekend overtime if it was wanted and a lot of people were going home to spouses once a month. There were a lot of office affairs going on with the spouse completely in the dark. In fact I remember my dp/dh once asking me if everyone was having affairs....well I wasn't!!

In the 1980s before my mum had met my dad she was 'courting' a man.

She was on a night out with my aunty (her sister) and he was there. Turns out it was his stag do, he was marrying someone else!

An ex-friend was the OW with a colleague
Had an 'accidental' pregnancy, and the colleague promised he would leave his wife and kids for them, but there was always a deadline for this which would always get moved - when the oldest finished exams, when the youngest finished exams, when the oldest left home etc etc

In the meantime, he spends a couple of nights a week with her and their son, they've been on at least one holiday all together
She has set up a business on the side and he is listed on companies house as a director

And yet to the outside world, he is married to his wife and has 2 now-grown up kids

And the MOST mind boggling thing to me, is that the man and the OW are both senior in the Met Police

My Father found out that his Uncle had a second family in Scotland when the adult "children" came looking for their cousins and extended family.

Dad's Uncle lived in Devon with his wife, and worked away doing coach tours of Scotland. He had a wife in Devon and a family in Scotland none of us knew about until after his death.

I don't know how common double lives are, but I have personally known two people this happened to. In both cases it went on for years. Looking back the signs were obvious but the men had a way of explaining away their behaviour in a way that made them look like the good guy (and pretty selfless).

OP- do you know that the boyfriend ONLY sees his wife every other weekend or is this just the time that he needs to explain? Eg. Could he still with her mid-week when your friend would not be expecting to see him anyway?

I find it really hard to believe that an ex wife would ask him to pretend to still be together. Plus I very much doubt that anyone would agree to pay 80% of his income to an ex. If you're right and he earns 80k this would mean that after tax he would have very little to pay for his own accommodation etc. However, it would not seem unusual for a husband/wife who are together to each transfer most of their earnings to a joint account and keep a smaller proportion in their personal accounts.

I think it is easier for those with jobs that work away a lot, service personnel, etc.

I don't believe it is very common though

Someone I know was involved with a man like this for over 20 years. She did know about his wife and kids though - he was always going to leave them after Christmas, after the summer holidays, after they’d done their GCSEs, etc. Of course he never did - he died first, relatively young.

I’m afraid your friend is being very naive.

That’s not a “double life” though.

I know two men who genuinely led double lives where they had two completely separate families neither of which knew anything about the other, one in the 80s and one much more recently. The 80s one came to light when he was arrested for financial crime, and the most recent came to light when he suddenly died. The fallout from that was dreadful and is still ongoing.

My dad's (ex) friend did this. Shift working was what let him get away with it... he would tell one girlfriend he was on nights and go to his other home. Two sets of kids. They found out, horrifically, when the girlfriends were both trying on wedding dresses at the same time in the same shop. Started chatting, both marrying firemen named Paul, etc etc.

My Dh's Dad lead a double life for many years. Two sets of children in two countries. Came home for weekends and went on holidays/birthdays etc but the other woman was fully aware of dh's Mum which is why it could carry on for so long. Second set of kids are much younger.

I find it suspect that they've been together 3 years and she has never met his kids, had she not asked to? Why doesn't he have the kids at his rather than always going and sleeping on the couch.

I'd trust your instincts, I think you can usually tell if someone is 'off', even him telling you he had cancer within 2 mins of meeting sounds off too.

Feel sorry for your friend if she is being strung along like that.

Yea, an old friend of mine.
He was a high up holier than thou in the church, looking after a disabled wife.
Starting shagging my mate when she was 16.
He had told her that he had annulled his marriage and that his wife had moved out. Kept it going for 5 years until my friend fell pregnant. Very sad situation for my friend, his wife and the child.

I worked with a woman who discovered that her partner had a wife and family elsewhere.

Both thought he worked in sales and spent half the week in hotels. It only came out when he had a heart attack and died at his wife's house.

My grandad actually did it for a while too. He was in the army briefly and lived with another woman near the barracks spparently, while my grandmother was at home with a newborn baby. It ended when he got posted abroad. I've always wondered if he had a child with the other woman.

It sounds very odd. Still the friend doesn't wants to treat it all as if its quite normal when it absolutely isn't. A lot of folk seem to do this in really strange circumstances.

Does

I worked with a bloke who had 2 families. Grown up kids in both. It’d been going on for many years. From memory one family knew but the others didn’t. Mind blowing!

Many years ago I discovered my ExH had led a separate life for 2 years. We had 2 children and there were no children with his girlfriend. He stayed away for 3 nights because of ''work'' and came home for the other 4 nights so I could ''work nights''.
The girlfriend was under the illusion we were getting divorced whilst he persuaded me to go to marriage guidance (as it was called then) as he felt we were getting stale. I was young and naive as was the girlfiend and we both believed everything he told us.
He broke 2 hearts and made a right mess of his own life. He'd even introduced one of our children to her unbeknown to me.
The only reason I was able to untangle everything was because the girlfriend and I met and unravelled all his lies. We are now FB friends and occasionally chat!
It happens more often than you would believe!!

but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Hmm, straightaway, that makes me wonder. I know of two situations where men were leading a double life. One, where he travelled between two countries, wife in each, not sure how it all was revealed, but it was awful.
The other man was having a longterm affair with a girl younger than his own daughters. He was on a posting to a neighbouring county, so not even far from home. He eventually left his wife. Again, the fallout was dreadful.

OP, the financial bit is concerning for your friend, imo. He is supporting his wife, and family, but it sounds like in turn, your friend is supporting him. I know that might still be the case if there was no deceit involved, but she needs to open her eyes, I think.

I’ve known a few cases that have come to light (involving expat assignments or frequent travel around the uk) and others where it has been suspected (there were rumours about my uncle for years and after he died everyone was waiting for a second family to come out of the woodwork)

Someone told me about a ship where the Captain, who had a wife and family back home, was living with a female officer, and they did the same ship/leave pattern and the same shifts/watches so they were always together. Apparently it was common knowledge in the company.

I've known two married men who did it for years . It all ended in tears for both the OW (both single) when they got dumped in favour of the supposedly sexless marriages to frigid wives.

I always wonder if these threads are about 'someone else' or the poster :)

@MerryAnton Clearly, he is not what he says he is and neither is the set up.

How in 3 years have you managed not to say anything to your friend? I cannot imagine having a friend and never showing my concern of feelings on something like this.

It's perfectly obvious he tells his wife he is working away, renting a flat, and coming home to her every fortnight.

Is your friend so lacking in self worth that she is happy like this? To be the OW and alone at Xmas etc?

Does she have children or want them? Or is she happy just to accept this half- relationship and share him?

How can you keep quiet on it is as puzzling as the set up itself.