How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

Back in the 80's/90's when the Travelling Post Office (mail train) was still in operation it was rumoured that some of the postal workers had women/family in the towns at each end of the route. My DH had connections with it in a previous job and although he didn't work on the mail train he did go on it once.

A woman in work went to a restaurant for her husband's birthday with their children. When they got there his other 'wife' was there, with his other children to her, and her parents for a meal to celebrate her Dad's birthday. Neither knew about the other. Yhey lived only sbout 20 miles fromeach other. His wife divorced him but I don't know what happened after that.
The police came to my door a few times years ago looking for my neighbour. They eventually told me they were trying to track him down because he had committed bigamy. I can't believe one woman would marry him never mind two, he's an absolute cockwomble.

Your friend sounds a bit like a friend of mine who had a similar situation. Supposedly him and his wife were divorcing, but he still had to meet all the bills etc etc so he moved in with my friend and her DD and basically couldn't afford to contribute to bills at all. I'm not sure what happened as I actually lost contact with the friend around that time but I do know she's not with him any more so perhaps she figured it out.

DH's grandfather may have had a double life. It's not entirely clear whether he was actively with the other women and her children or if it had been an affair, but there was apparently an awkward moment for MIL as a child because it turned out she was the only one who didn't know that her best friend was actually her half sister....! Apparently, they looked like twins!

In my misspent yoof I often was seeing a couple of lads at the same time and to be honest found it difficult because I'd keep slipping up and saying the wrong thing I. E. Oh you said you like Jack and coke or whatever and they were actually teetotal.

How do these men not slip up more? Especially 10 years

80% of the money goes in to a joint account more like.

@Luxplus

My colleague lived with his wife happily married with kids. Found out by accident that his wife had another partner whom she lived with in a different town. She worked as a sales rep for a big medical company and traveled the country so was often away from home. Turned out she had found a new man and a new family with him. My colleague only found out by accident because he went with friends out to a hobby kinda event weekend while the wife was home with kids and got chatting to a guy who then saw his front pic on his phone and recognized the wife as his friends girlfriend... my colleague is still married with her but believe she has learned from her "mistake". The rest of the department think he just dont wants to accept it.

How does a woman pull this off

I know two people who led double lives!

My friend was seeing someone for a year. She turned up at his flat (she had a key) to let herself in before he got home from work. His girlfriend, who he lived with, was sat in the living room. After the initial shock they did stay and have a conversation and long story short, waited for him to come home and both dumped him

The second - married man in his 50s (married 20 years!) who had an “on the road” kind of job. His wife was suspicious and asked a friend to follow him one day. He stopped at an address and didn’t come out. A few hours later she went to the address, knocked on the door, and he answered in his dressing gown and slippers. Turned out that his girlfriend thought he lived with her and they’d been together FIVE YEARS!

It’s batshit people can get away with it!

This is such an interesting thread!!!
I agree that the OP’s friend’s situation isn’t really a double life because she does know about the W - effectively she is knowingly OW -nor a judgement-just that she knows the man has a wife.
So interesting these cases where yhere is truly a double life. Can’t believe could happen now as with SM everyone’s lives are public property.
Terribly sad.
And so interesting that in all these cases, only one woman doing it.

Some similarities with what happened to a friend of mine..

Met a lad in a pub, he's about 5 years older than us... they get it together, he mentions he's living with his mum having broken up with his ex, who has a kid who is not his but he's known almost all of kids life...

They go out together, she (and i and our other friends) meet the guys mum, his dad (his parents are separated), all lovely, he sometimes goes away on holiday with his best mate who we also know, sometimes he stays at his dads flat who he works with...

This all trundles on for 3 years... as far as we all know they are a couple, we know everyone in his circle, friends and family.. all is well.

He gets his own flat, she to all intents and purposes moves in with him, around 6 months later, I moved into the flat upstairs from them.

Again, all is well, hes home a lot, he works with his dad, occasional weekends away with his mate or he gets drunk with his dad and stays in his dads flat (other end of the block from ours!)...

One evening I bumped into him in a carpark down the road from our flats - he's sat on the bonnet of his car talking to a woman I don't know. I wave, he waves, I go on my way home...

Then one day I hear knocking on their door, I came down and theres a woman I don't know, but she looks like the woman from the carpark, knocking on... I say 'oh, Im sorry I think he's at work and she's up at her mums today, can I give them a message'...

And she's reallllllly cagey... 'I want to talk to x... she needs to know something'... So I text her and said er... i think you need to come home, and woman goes to wait in her car outside.

Yeah. She's the other woman, or rather, they both are.

He's been telling her he's living with his mum as she needs care, working with his dad, has barely any time but he spends several evenings a week at hers and she thinks shes in a committed relationship with him, been on holiday with him etc etc.

Pissflaps, hit return too soon...

She has no idea my friend exists or that they live together until verrrrry recently...

His parents knew ALL about the two women their son was seeing, he has had his best mate lie and say he's gone away for the weekend or on holiday with him and has then had to stay in and not go out that weekend/week so that no one sees him when hes supposedly on a Greek island or whatever...

The kid still thinks this guy is his dad, she thinks hes going to move back in and they are gonna get married...

My friend has helped this guy change jobs, get qualified in a new career, waited at home for him when hes obviously (in hindsight) been at hers....

And he STILL spun the both of them a web of lies after this, sneaking out to see my friend and stringing her along telling her he's going to dump the other one when the time is right.... for another YEAR...

I think you are right OP. It happened to me, I (and our child who was then 3 yo) spent time with exP at weekends and met his parents, sister etc. ExP had public girlfriend who lived in his house during the week and went back to her flat at the weekend when exP told her he was visiting his other children (from his divorce). Children all kept apart, too upsetting for them, spiteful exW and other utter c*. ExP and girlfriend holidayed with his other children etc while I was at home with our young child. I believed exP was travelling for his 'big job'. We lived in completely different areas. I was very close to selling my home etc. To relocate to be with him. I had absolutely no idea. He had been with his girlfriend for almost a year. Baffling.

I wonder how many of these double lives/affairs fell apart over lockdown?

Someone I went to school with found out their dad had another family in the city where he worked. This would have been maybe year ten when it became apparent, I can’t remember how it came out, but the dad had a wife and kids in one town and another in the city where he worked during the week.

Another friend dated someone she thought was called one name, let’s say Ben, and then discovered some years later he was actually called, let’s say Dave. That Dave was married with kids and not Ben the divorced childless man she thought him to be.

So it does seem to happen, although I don’t know how common it actually is.

My friend was seeing someone for a year. She turned up at his flat (she had a key) to let herself in before he got home from work. His girlfriend, who he lived with, was sat in the living room. After the initial shock they did stay and have a conversation and long story short, waited for him to come home and both dumped him

I love the thought of the cheater walking in and seeing both "partners' sat there. The panic on his face would be

I have the most unbelievable story.

My exH friends dad had three separate families who knew nothing about each other.

Family 1 in the home counties with 3 adult children
Family 2 in Germany with 3 teenage children
Family 3 in London with 1 preteen
He travelled a lot with work (ran his own company) and often missed things like Christmas due to “cancelled” flights. Me and my ex used to joke about there being an OW but we had no idea!

I can’t remember how it all came out, but nit long after he wanted all the kids to go to the youngests birthday party.
Unfortunately I split from exH before I found out how that all played out.

Ex-MIL discovered her father was living with his secretary (total cliché but true) when he was working away. After MIL's mother's death, they married, and she ended up inheriting a good portion of his fortune (think 7 figures).
There are a supposed nephew and niece, which apparently OW is very close to. No-one dared say it, but I strongly suspected that they were the products of the relationship.

My father did it. Not a second family (that I know of...wouldn’t put it past him!) but he worked away and lived with another woman Monday to Thursday for years. I ended up meeting her when I was about 19, quite by accident. He’s a total shitbag.

I commented recently on a thread I started about my SIL.

Not a double life exactly but my SIL's mum has been the OW for 53 years. My SIL and her brother are the product of the relationship. Her dad is still lives with his wife and has throughout.

All parties, wife, OW, all DC's and grandchildren know about each other.
Her dad just does two of everything...two Summer holidays, one with each of his family, two Father's Day meals, two birthdays ....etc.

Don't know about common, but a cousin of a friend found out when his dad (airline pilot) died that he had another family in Africa, wife, children and grandchildren, for several decades whilst married and with a family here. Fortunately the cousin's mother had already died,unaware of this.

I know someone who led a double life (a woman), living on/off in two countries with two different men, and leading both to believe that they are the father of her child (the child travelled with her or stayed with her parents). Quite recently too, ie in the last couple of years. Obviously she could not keep it up for long, stopped when the child was four or so - picked one of the guys to settle with.
What is surprising that otherwise she is a very decent human being, and a good friend. The situation started with a little lie - not to hurt anyone's feelings, then a big lie, and then somehow turned into this absolute disaster.

I know two people who found out their parent had a double life, one I knew well the other very well and knew their parents. I see lots of red flags in what you describe. I think your friend may also be turning a blind eye and think no one will guess. He may have secretly told her he can't leave due to her mental health etc. But they present the other story to friends and family. But there's also a chance she doesn't know. All round it's terrible.

I wouldn't ask too many questions, but keep communication open with your friend. She may need you.

Happened to a friend I know and a distant relative whereby they both discovered another family whilst their husbands were working away during the week. The amount of deceit to have two families I find truly despicable, I thought it was the stuff of TV dramas but clearly not. Worst thing is I don't even see any sign of karma as they are now living a happy life both with new partners whilst their ex wives are truly crushed and devastated unable to trust again.

My DPs great granny was a product of the “second family”. The father was Scottish and worked on the trains. This job meant he was away part of the week in London and he started a whole new family down here. The wife and original kids never knew but granny and her brothers and their mum did all know. Then he died and left them all penniless. The mum got in touch with the wife and by now adult sons, who were shocked and upset but didn’t give them anything to help. I never knew the great granny but until her death aged 90 odd it was apparently a taboo subject, wouldn’t have her fathers name mentioned etc. The shame in those days too made it all even worse.

My dad led a double life for over 15 years with a mistress who is the same age as me, as he was working in a different town. Married to my mum for 30 years.

It all came out when the mistress gave birth to his son, he then had to choose between his mistress or my mum, he chose his mistress.

Has your friend spoken to the ex wife to confirm his story?