How common are 'double lives'?

[MerryAnton]

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

Yes this happened to a lady I know. She was bobbing along happily married, husband working away a lot. Nice house, adult kids etc.

Found out recently he has a girlfriend and 6 year old in the country he works.

Needless to say, they are getting divorced!

@catmandont

I have to say the sleeping on the sofa sounds like a lie to start with. We earn nowhere near £60k between us, but we have a spare room!

Depends where in the country you are and the number of children you have.

I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully?

..... I'm not aware of anybody who "got away with it" but of course, if it was conducted successfully how would you know ?.

Anyway happened to a friends' sister.

Guy worked away in her city so she saw him all week and some weekends. He then would disappear off home to his wife and kids on the other weekends. He would make up excuses about his parents and why he couldn't just leave them.

It fell apart when a job came up for him in his city and she offered to find a job there as well.

I hope I'm wrong but here's what I think is actually happening:

• Man has had affairs before. His parents have found out and threatened to tell wife if he doesn't. He has told wife some lies about things they've said about her etc so she will decide she does not want to speak to them. He 'supports# her by keeping parents away from her and taking the DC to see them without her. He has told parents that they are divorcing but he goes there to see the DC etc. He's probably told them that wife is a bit unhinged. This way his parents can support his story to the OW and they won't be speaking to wife. It also means that if anything ever gets back to wife via the DC, he can claim it's poisonous lies from his parents. The 'family member is a paedophile' story means that OW is unlikely to ask parents any questions about their relationship with wife and the DC. But also paints them in a bad light so that if they get suspicious he can tell OW he has decided not to see them either and say anything they tell her is a lie.
• Wife thinks man is staying in a hotel/lodging with a friend EOW to catch up on work
• OW wants to think she's met a lovely man who cares about his DC.

Yes, her financial security is the one reason you might need to broach this with her. Who owns the flat she lives in? Whose name'(s) are on the rental or mortgage contract? If mortgage, the deeds?

She is basically in the position of being a 'kept woman', the other woman he keeps in a little flat in town, except that she's paying for the privilege.

Who is she paying? Him (as lead tenant, or as landlord disguised as LT)? A third-party landlord directly?

If he stops paying, what happens to her? Can she keep up payments on her own? Is she contractually in a position to do that?

One day he'll dump her (probably to install someone younger in her place). What position will she be in then, in terms of her home and financial security?

@catmandont

I have to say the sleeping on the sofa sounds like a lie to start with. We earn nowhere near £60k between us, but we have a spare room!

That means nothing. We both earn over £60k, have no kids and currently live in a 1 bedroom flat. It’s very common in London I’m afraid.

I’m not sure of the full details but a cousin of my mother had two families. He managed to keep up the rouse until all of the children of both families were teenagers!

mate at school's father had two families in the 1980s. He was a doctor, told his wife about long hours at the hospital and staying over on call when in reality there was another woman with whom he had two children. only came out when he died.

Similar happened to a friend but luckily it came to an end after a few months rather than years. All the warning signs were there but friend didn’t want to believe it.
-divorce pending
-still lived in marital home but in the loft conversion
-kids in the mix
-only called text at night, rarely called or seen her during the day (he worked as a contractor for her work). Would meet up at night but take her out of the area or just go to hers.
Until one day the wife found out and came to my friends work to tell her they were still married, still in a relationship, sleeping in the same bed etc and it was all lyes, she was a homewrecker etc. His wife stayed with him I think, this man (we named chainsaw pants due to his job) randomly would message my friend every few months so he obviously never changed, and as he was a contractor he would be on site every few months of the year to do jobs. Luckily she never went back to him but I felt for his poor wife, she deserved better but more fool her for staying.

I think I’ve told this story on here before. Friend of mine had a very happy family and a loving relationship between his mum and dad. Dad used to travel a lot for work and one day, out of the blue, died of a heart attack while in Spain on business. My friend was only 21 and had to fly out to Spain to collect the body and make arrangements etc only to discover his dad had an entire second family - another wife and two small children all living in Spain. My friend was utterly broken by this and was so concerned about what it might do to his mum that he has continued to keep his dad’s secret for the last 20 years. Every month he still sends the second family money to help them and to make them keep it secret.

My exMIL was in a 30+ year relationship with a man who lived with her, and worked at the same place. They had matching cars, and he slept there every night. ExMIL was divorced, her partner was also supposedly divorced. They were both in their later 60s.
In the latter years of his life he would go round to the ex-wife’s house for the odd overnight stay and at one point he disappeared to live there, but exMIL took him back.
When he died unexpectedly at exMIL house, she phoned work to let them know, and that she was preparing to have to tell the ex wife…only for her boss to tell her that the ex wife had been dead for 5 years Huge mess was untangled after he died, but no one knew he had this double life with the ex wife, and no one knew when she died either.

My colleague lived with his wife happily married with kids. Found out by accident that his wife had another partner whom she lived with in a different town. She worked as a sales rep for a big medical company and traveled the country so was often away from home. Turned out she had found a new man and a new family with him. My colleague only found out by accident because he went with friends out to a hobby kinda event weekend while the wife was home with kids and got chatting to a guy who then saw his front pic on his phone and recognized the wife as his friends girlfriend... my colleague is still married with her but believe she has learned from her "mistake". The rest of the department think he just dont wants to accept it.

I knew someone who's long term husband worked overseas all the time. Even after a serious operation in the UK and being told not to fly he couldn't wait to get back overseas. He undoubtedly had something set up there.

I feel for your friend but this is no way to live.

I know a couple of people like this but it depends on the line between a bog standard affair/OW situation and a true double life.

Father of a friend of mine worked in international development so would be abroad for months at a time. Turned out he had a girlfriend there and they had two young children, he divorced his wife and moved to be there full time with his new wife and kids. Broke my friend who thought the sun shone out of his arse.

My arsewipe of a FIL had numerous affairs over the years and justified to OW that he was still living at home with his kids and wife as he is a carer for her and his kids (DH and his sister) had additional needs. Utter shite to use MIL's disability as a way to garner sympathy and justify his actions. MIL had no idea but the OW knew he was married just he lied about the nature of the marriage. They are still married and miserable together. I wish they'd divorced when MIL found out bit she took him back when OW ended it with him and he lost his job.

@MerryAnton I think your post should be 'Is my friend the other woman?' or 'Should I tell my friend to take off her rose coloured specs?'

This is not really about a double life as you don't know the truth. It's all supposition.

From what you have said, he's using her as a mistress especially if it's his flat and she's holed up in it.

If it's her flat/ home then he's getting a very nice deal at a reduced cost.

After reading all the posts, where almost no one thinks well of this man, how do you feel about quizzing her a bit? Or getting her to quiz him?

.

Some one I used to work with had this happen to her.
She was married with a child, her dh worked away.
The first she knew of his double life was when her dh broke down and told her he had been threatened by his other woman 's brothers. This was before mobile phones and social media so was easier to lead a double life.
Apparently whilst living away he was living with the ow, engaged to be married and she was heavily pregnant. He confessed one day to his wife that he couldn't do ahead with the planned marriage as, surprise surprise, he was already married!
He only confessed to his wife because he feared what the ow's brothers would do to him if they located his home address.
It also happened to an ex relative.
The man was married worked away from home. Set up home with a girlfriend. The wife found out, forgave him. He ran off to marry the ow. Then cheated on the ow with a third woman and eventually married her. He has kids to the first wife and third wife.
His kids from the first marriage are nc.

This could easily be true. The dodgiest bit for me is the 80% of wage.

I still live with my ex, separated two years ago now. 2 house sales fell through, and now I'm waiting for a mortgage. It takes months amd months.

I Wouldn't touch my ex with a barge pole any more, vom.

But we're amicable (mostly) for the dc. There'd even be a photo of us occasionally smiling and laughing together on social media.

Our neighbour had a fiance, second house and 4 kids that his wife didn't know about. She only found out when he left the key to his new house's garage in his trouser pocket and the keyring attached was the original from the estate agents with the address written on it. She drove to the new house, met the fiance and kids and ended the marriage. He stayed with the fiance and doesn't see his other 3 kids.

My husband's boss had a wife and 2 other partners, he had children with all 3. No one knew until he died and they found copies of his children's birth certificates in his office drawer. He was terribly ugly, nasty and had no respect for women so I don't know how he managed to get 3 partners when nicer people struggle to get 1!

I know 3 women who's husbands turned out to have second families. One was a serial bigamist and had been married 5 times, at one point he had 3 families on the go. It only came out when he died.

Happened to someone I knew.
He’d retired early, she was a stay at home mum. When she got a part time job, it seems he began a relationship with a much younger woman.
The first thing she knew about it was the woman turning up at her house with a baby shouting and screaming that he was her partner now.
I suspect this forced his hand, and he moved out to live with the other woman within a few days.

I've always been fascinated by this. How on earth do they afford it?!

Also it's surprising how often the women and the homes look uncannily similar.

According to someone my mum was talking to my grandfather had a secret family but we've never found any proof and he died in 1995 so surely something would've came out by now?

Not uncommon. Recommend tv programme Mrs Wilson in which Ruth Wilson plays her grandmother. Mr Wilson, her grandfather, was a very busy man. With an assortment of families and children. An eye opener.