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Original poster

How common are 'double lives'?

280 replies

MerryAnton · 11/05/2021 07:52

My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they live together in a flat they both rent.

When they met, he said he was separated from his wife who lives 3 hours away, they have 2 children together. The divorce was in motion, but the ex wife wanted him to pretend to still be together for a while.

Fast forward to today, the divorce is still pending, and he goes back to the marital home every other weekend to see his kids, he says he sleeps on the sofa. He speaks regularly to his wife and says it's because they're sorting divorce details.

My friend has never met the kids, and he forwards 80% of his wage into his wife's account and says this is their agreement post breakup. He earns 80k and my friend earns 25k and they go 50/50 on everything.

It's none of my business and my friend seems happy with him, but there are a few unusual things here, I wondered if anyone themselves knew of anyone actually leading a double life successfully? Or is my imagination in overdrive

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryAnton · 11/05/2021 08:56

@Bouledeneige

But OP does he only sees the wife and kids every other weekend? That's not a marriage. Or do you think he sees her more than that?
It's definitely only every other weekend, and over lockdown he didn't go to the wife/kids for extended periods as his daughter has a medical issue.

My friend has met his parents, though the parents have np contact with his wife or his kids whatsoever, apparently this is because a member of the family the parents are still in touch with is a convicted pedophile.

HmmConfused

OP posts:
Happyhippy99 · 11/05/2021 08:58

Does he spend his annual leave, bank holidays and Christmas with your friend? Or does he have to “work away” on these occasions?

bitheby · 11/05/2021 09:00

I know of two. One for 20 years and one for 4 years. Only one set of children though AFAIK.

AcornCups · 11/05/2021 09:08

Well good on his ex if she is indeed that for refusing contact with his parents who knowingly associate with a paedophile.

The update on his wanting sympathy, your friends low self esteem, his parents, it’s a slow motion car crash.

Some people do work away and or have odd working patterns and don’t and have affairs but this has alarm bells and red flags all over it.

BoyTree · 11/05/2021 09:12

I've personally known three people leading double lives - all men, all 'working away' as far as their wives were concerned and all utter bellends.

Original poster
MerryAnton · 11/05/2021 09:13

@Happyhippy99

Does he spend his annual leave, bank holidays and Christmas with your friend? Or does he have to “work away” on these occasions?
Bank Holidays and Christmas Day are always with the (ex?)wife & kids (staying on the sofa) and annual leave seems to be split - short city breaks with friend and he goes on holiday with wife & kids still, he doesn't hide this. He has painted the wife as a controlling, narcissistic awful woman and he instigated the split. So why, if they are split, is he staying on the sofa at the house?! I didn't let my ex nap downstairs after we split Confused

He does disappear for a while when he goes out to the shop for something - and returns without anything. Friend thinks this is a hilarious quirk.

Friend has suggested the kids come and stay for a weekend, but he said she would have to leave the flat and hide her stuff because it would be upsetting for the kids.

My friend must know, surely?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/05/2021 09:18

I was with someone like this several years ago, he did eventually tell his wife about me and I met her and found out when we started dating he was still with her, buying her gifts, telling her he loved her, even bought her a necklace for their wedding anniversary. He obviously claimed he did all this for the kids and not for her.

I think it’s more common than people think, I have met several men who claim they still live with their ex for the children, or they stay over night several nights a week for the kids, this is total ball shit, these are guys that want the best of 2 worlds, a wife running around after them and a bit on the side.

Mylittlepony374 · 11/05/2021 09:20

My dad's (ex) friend did this. Shift working was what let him get away with it... he would tell one girlfriend he was on nights and go to his other home. Two sets of kids. They found out, horrifically, when the girlfriends were both trying on wedding dresses at the same time in the same shop. Started chatting, both marrying firemen named Paul, etc etc.

SuperbOwls · 11/05/2021 09:20

Oh god yes, I know of two. First was a friend of my mum's. Husband had a whole other family with grown up children and she was the other woman though had no idea. She only found out when he died, that they were in fact never legally married and she was entitled to nothing. Very messy and sad situation

Second one was a former colleague and it was totally obvious to everyone but her. She was very naive though. He claimed to be a spy and that's why she couldn't call him and they could only meet at hotels miles away. She really believed him too

BlueLobelia · 11/05/2021 09:23

My uncle told his wife he was leaving her for another woman. She asked how long her had been seeing her.

'18 years' was the answer.

morethanspice · 11/05/2021 09:24

My husband led a double life for at least five years and managed to conceal it by going “sailing “ every weekend. When caught he bragged the OWs adult kids could be his.

FizzyPink · 11/05/2021 09:25

The Bigamist is a really good book showing how an intelligent and independent woman was completely taken in by the lies of a man she was in love with.
She’s obviously out of the relationship now hence writing the book but it’s shocking how he manipulated her with his lies as I’m sure lots of other men do as well.

Chocolateandamaretto · 11/05/2021 09:26

My Uncle had a second family in Thailand. Kids were about 6 and 8 when it all came out. In the end he left his wife and everyone knew why except her until after he'd gone to Thailand. He has since split up with his girlfriend and posts a lot of bitter posts on social media about having access to his kids restricted and how his girlfriend was cheating on him....what a dick.

SquashMinusIsShit · 11/05/2021 09:37

Google Robert Hendy Freegard, I listened to a podcast about him, he had 3 fiancées, fleeced them & their families out of money, pretty much kept them prisoner & pretended to work for MI5 😱

lottiegarbanzo · 11/05/2021 09:39

That's not even a proper double life though, that's just an affair. He 'works away' while fully married. Your friend is the other woman, who he keeps in a flat.

Men cheating with (wilfully) naive women is very common.

Full-blown double lives, where the man has two families who know nothing of each other, are more unusual.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 11/05/2021 09:39

I have come across a couple of these situations going on for decades with both families having children with the same man.

In one case the wife and the girlfriend knew of one another's existence and he spent EOW with his girlfriend and her son. He was very rich and powerful and they were both unhappy but controlled by him and hoped he would choose them in the end. In actual fact he died before ever having to make a choice. That funeral was interesting...

Another guy was a rich oil exec and had a family in the UK and one in Africa who were blissfully unaware of one another's existence and assumed he was 'away on business' for months at a time when with his other family. The pandemic brought that one crashing down because he could no longer travel to Africa so he lost his excuse to see his Nigerian family and they wanted him to move them to the UK which became a bit less easy to deny. When it was all revealed both of them left him.

LeilaLiesLow · 11/05/2021 09:39

After 3 years they ought to be divorced if it's going to happen.

your friend is being a bit silly.

she is also bailing him out financially as she's earning the most. what proof is there that he does pay his wife 80%?

LeilaLiesLow · 11/05/2021 09:40

Have you spoken to your friend?

This seems so obvious from what you say. she must be a mug if she can't see it.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 11/05/2021 09:40

From everything you say it indicates to me that he is still a married man and leading on both his wife and his girlfriend.

His wife probably thinks that he has to work EOW. Some couples do live this sort of life for a few years in order for long term gain. He sends home 80% of his pay? what separated person does that?

His empty handed shopping trips are when he is out calling his family and being the dutiful dad/husband.

Your friend needs to issue a few ultimatums, insist that she meets the kids, ask when the divorce will be final, ask to be introduced to the wife before she meets the kids etc. If he doesn't make some changes to prove that he is definitely separated, then she needs to kick him into touch because he is clearly still married.

dottiedodah · 11/05/2021 09:41

Defo seems a bit off! I think unless she is really naive she must surely know whats going down! The finances seem strange as well .Surely 80% salary is a lot to be paying in maintenance?

notalwaysalondoner · 11/05/2021 09:41

Two reactions.

My cousin's relationship is exactly as you describe and it's legit. They haven't told the kids they've split up - bonkers in my opinion, but then one child got extremely sick (life or death sick) for over a year so they couldn't bring themselves to tell them. The father worked away as standard so it was much easier to keep the pretence. This went on for probably nearly two years. During that time the dad met another woman and so she had also never met the kids, he was still giving the household a lot of money as the mother of his children had an extremely low paying part time job etc. But 100% they weren't together, they were just doing it for the kids.

My sister has a friend who found out when she was at university that her father had a whole second family up in Scotland (that also didn't know about her) - he was a lorry driver and managed to keep two families going without finding out about the other for over a decade. Unbelievable.

Muchasgracias · 11/05/2021 09:44

Yes he is living a double life and your friend is helping him fund it. Help her get out of this.

lockdownalli · 11/05/2021 09:45

I think it is very common. My old boss had a double life for years. It all unravelled when "Wife" number 2 tried to arrange a surprise 40th birthday party for him.

After the dust settled he went off and did the same thing again with two different women Shock

KarmaNoMore · 11/05/2021 09:45

I bet neither your friend or the wife are getting the truth about his finances. For what is worth he could be telling the wife and girlfriend he earns 25 k and hiding the rest.

ravenmum · 11/05/2021 09:46

A relative's long-term partner supposedly travelled a lot internationally for business, and didn't want to marry her because he didn't believe in marriage, even though they had a daughter. One day she found three other children's passports among his things; he'd had them with his wife while they were together. Turned out he had two homes and families in London.

Your guy is probably claiming that his job has been moved abroad or to another part of the country.