Is having kids all its cracked up to be?

[Coldwine75]

Watching Location Location Location and all these young couples looking for homes to start their families, all dreaming of a house full of kids and idyllic bliss........is it like that though? I find having a family is mainly tiredness, stress, odd socks , messy house and theres some nice bits thrown in but its exhausting. I dont regret having having kids but its a constant worry , moreso as they get older and you have less and less influence over them.

I get why people turn grey......

@ChangePart1 I agree. And it seems a cop-out to have a baby to give your life meaning. Psychologically healthy adults should be able to create their own meaningful life without a baby.
I also shudder inwardly at my friend who admits she had a baby so someone would love her. And no she was not a young teenager who would not know better.

I feel like several posters in this thread. Late 30s and TTC; I have thought way beyond the baby years, I look at friends with school age, teens, young adult kids and what their lives (or the bits of them I see) look like. I consider how old we'll be at each of those stages and what that might be like.

Can I say I'm 100% sure about it? No. I really envy people who are to be honest! But I do have a deep nagging fear that I'd regret it if we didn't at least try for them. I think it helps that I've had my travelling / clubbing / spontaneous years and have become more of a home-bird as I've got older. I also feel more secure in owning a property and having reached a decent place of responsibility at work. We're lucky enough to have ready and willing family support on DPs side. The idea of having a family feels like an adventure and a challenge that we're ready for. It would be an extension of DPs close and loving extended family unit, and for me the first time for a very long time that I've been part of that kind of environment.

Ultimately if it happens for us then it happens for us, but if not then we'll find a different path, and there are plenty of 'it's all shit' threads here that I'm sure will provide some comfort in any regretful moments

I really like the comment by 'Change Part1' as this does describe my situation a little as having my son made me realise he deserves a decent life and it fell on my shoulders to provide this for him. We have really grown up together and he's seen everything slowly come together to be where we are now including all the ups and downs that come with 'life.' Whether children come along planned or unplanned creating the best safe and secure environment you can for them is the most important thing you can do. The rest will have to play out plan-less unless you can see into or predict the future. Embrace the unknown. I think worry is also part of life, who doesn't worry about their family, younger siblings or elderly parents, grandparents and children fall into the same category. Although as a parent you are responsible for them in a way that you aren't for other family members which is where i can see the worry intensifies but the rewards for me far outweigh the worry (for now anyway)

I guess it really depends on what it's "cracked up to be" in your mind in the first place?

I don't have unrealistic expectations of what having children will entail and what a humongous life change it is. I really think most of my friends went into it with eyes open too (in as much as they can be). If you know what you are getting into then you won't be disappointed with the outcome.

If you think it's all going to be rosy cheeks and idyllic family picnics in the sunshine then of course you are likely to be disappointed!

@ChangePart1 I do feel like my child gave my life meaning but only because I always wanted children. I had a career, my own property, a social life, but I was desperate to have a child. I was travelling to beautiful places 4 times a year, went to fancy restaurants, did yoga, cycling, tennis etc. but stopped enjoying that quite honestly. I was bored of it all.

I'm sleep deprived now and don't look after myself as much as I used to, but I'm happy. My daughter is well looked after and I dedicate most of my time and money to her upbringing.

I'm amazed at those saying before kids their life was boring and pointless. Mine was fucking fabulous. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered.

YANBU OP, my life is more akin to Motherland than idyllic bliss.

@Horsesway123 you were bored because those things are not meaningful if you are doing them all the time. Everyone needs meaning, there are many ways to get this in your life.

I think part of the issue is a lot of young adults these days have no or very little contact with babies and young children so have no idea what looking after them involves. I grew up around young babies and children and while being a mother is different, I did have a good idea of what babies and young children are like.

It has been a really positive, joyful experience for me, but maybe easier because I only have one? (Not intended, but secondary infertility may have actually done me a favour!)

I absolutely love being a mum. Loved the baby phase, loved it when she was a toddler, loved the primary school years and am now loving the teens. DD is totally awesome - smart, funny, perceptive, wise, considerate. I really enjoy her company and I have loved watching her grow into the incredible person who she has become. I am so very proud of her and never happier than when I'm with her. I'll miss her desperately when she goes off to university in a couple of years, but at the same time, I'm really excited to see her spread her wings and fly.

I have had lots of amazing experiences in my life - lots of travel, living abroad, professional success and personal achievements. Being a mum absolutely outranks anything else I have ever done, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I know I'm really lucky to feel like this.

Hmmm

Mine are 15, 11, and 7. Personally, having them gave my life meaning but tbh I was a vacuous twat in my early 20s (had eldest at 26) all of mine were easy babies and toddlers and lovely, loving children. And I loved it, I absolutely loved it. Even though when they were tiny we had no money and life was often hard

However I'm finding the teen years hard. DS15 is moody, looks at us with contempt, can barely be arsed to reply if we speak to him and honestly seems to hate us most of the time 😔 god forbid if we ever ask him if he wants to spend any time with us, nope. dd11 is moody, dramatic and almost constantly miserable or going through some daft drama with her friends. I don't know how to help or relate to either of them cos from what I can see, their life is honestly amazing, we now live in a lovely home, we are ok for money so they want for nothing. they are both clever, attractive, have lots of friends and are loved by us. That said, I do try my best with them, but i have no idea if I'm any good. I'm floundering all the time. I know I was a very good mum when they were smaller but I'm not sure now. I look at other friends who have teens who seem to be nailing it and I envy them.

Dd7 is adorable, we have such a lovely little relationship. But I often feel sad as Now I know it's only a matter of time before the she starts to go the same way and I honestly cherish every moment.

Anyway ...All this ^^ is what I've found hardest.

@castemary of course, I agree with you. That's where I found it.

@FrozenCucumberPresse "Some expect it to be a nightmare and are pleasantly surprised"

That's me! I thought it would basically be horrible until they're school age. DS is almost 2 and I love being his mum. No one is more surprised than me. I hated being pregnant and thought the newborn phase was really, really boring (I actually went back from maternity leave early because I felt like my brain was rotting), but now I have a tiny feral sidekick to hang out with who makes me laugh every day. It's so much fun!

I'd been led to believe that motherhood was a grind. Sometimes it is, but more often it's highly entertaining.

Caveats though - no medical issues and he's always been a good eater and a good sleeper, so I was never horrifically sleep deprived or anything. I'm also prepared for him to be a horrible teenager.

I think whether you have children or not there is always the grass is always greener syndrome..... our neighbours are in their late 50's and don't have any children, they have an idylic life to us, popping out when they want, no having to entertain children all through the holidays, lovely peaceful quiet evening with a film. Plenty of money being able to (pre covid) go on exotic holidays. But all they want is our life of constant busyness, kids to entertain being able to spend an afternoon in the park. We were saying yesterday how much we both envy each others lives.

I only have one. I worry about her constantly, but I love her above everyone and everything. My life would be infinitely poorer without her (but I’d be infinitely richer - don’t care though.) Yes, children are absolutely worth it, but they certainly make life harder, as well as enriching it. DD is 16 and I’ve loved every stage of her life.

Yes, having DC was something I desperately wanted and I'm delighted to say the experience is everything I hoped.

Having a toddler is seriously, beyond my wildest dreams amazing. Not an hour goes by without me looking at him and marvelling at the fact he is mine. Every single bit of it. I suspected I’d enjoy parenthood (obviously, or I wouldn’t have done it) but never in my wildest fantasies could I have envisaged how absolutely wonderful it truly is. It still doesn’t seem real I got lucky enough to become a parent. It’s like the equivalent of having won the lottery but much better. So far anyway 😂

And it seems a cop-out to have a baby to give your life meaning. Psychologically healthy adults should be able to create their own meaningful life without a baby.

Biologically speaking propagating the species is sort of the "meaning of life" so it's not exactly a cop-out for some humans to be driven to do so. It makes a lot of sense really. I know we're supposed to have evolved beyond such base notions but some of us are clearly less evolved than others

I'm not at all intending to cause offence or implying that those without children have no "meaning" in their life - I think it's a valid and often wise choice - just musing that it's not exactly psychologically unhealthy to want a child in order to add meaning to your life, it's somewhat innate.

It becomes unhealthy when your entire happiness is weighted on their shoulders and you see them not as autonomous individuals but as an extension of yourself. That's a different case.

Me and DH are childfree by choice and having never regretted that decision not even for a second.

An awful lot of my friends regret having children. In fact most of them say if they could go back in time they would not have any. We are talking people with grown up children, quite a few with grandchildren.

Most say they never really gave much thought to having them. It was just "what you do"!

When they talk about the damage to their bodies, the stress and worry and heartache their children have caused and, often, are still causing, I am just so glad we chose not to have any.

One of the biggest things I think is the damage children so often do to relationships. Almost all my friends with children are divorced and lots blame having children on that.

On the other hand all my childfree friends have been married years (shortest 29 years) and all first marriages

@lynsey91

Me and DH are childfree by choice and having never regretted that decision not even for a second.

An awful lot of my friends regret having children. In fact most of them say if they could go back in time they would not have any. We are talking people with grown up children, quite a few with grandchildren.

Most say they never really gave much thought to having them. It was just "what you do"!

When they talk about the damage to their bodies, the stress and worry and heartache their children have caused and, often, are still causing, I am just so glad we chose not to have any.

One of the biggest things I think is the damage children so often do to relationships. Almost all my friends with children are divorced and lots blame having children on that.

On the other hand all my childfree friends have been married years (shortest 29 years) and all first marriages

I’m convinced it does damage relationships in the vast majority of cases. Some come through it and survive but the damage is done nonetheless. I was shocked to realise how much our relationship changed for the worse having a very loved, wanted and planned child (who we both love to pieces and care for equally). Not even anything that either of us have done or do wrong, just the change in dynamic. I think we both really miss how we used to be (even though we’re not ‘unhappy’ together), it’s just incredibly difficult to claw things back together with a child around. And a pandemic. It’s changed me as a person, I no longer feel the need for any intimacy, and I know that’s going to become a bigger and bigger problem I/we need to address.

The grass is always greener on the other side. I have 2 DC because DH wanted them, but i dont regret it. I love them to bits, unconditionally, but I admit I dislike them sometimes, when being selfish, lippy and unreasonably argumentative.

I agree it is disingenuous to portray family life as idyllic bliss. It is messy, stressful and exhausting as many pp say. Not for everyone.

Also without kids life will be way too easy!

I have mixed feelings about it. I dearly love mine.
It was hard and I didn't have much support.

I think there is so much societal pressure to have them.
After all, we must have more tax payers!

I find the saddest thing is how some grow up and don't want to have anything to do with their mum or just want them around to babysit. The same with MIL. They mostly seem to be interfering and terrible.

Fathers, no matter how unevolved they were, get a free pass.

@Seefoodwaffle

The grass is always greener on the other side. I have 2 DC because DH wanted them, but i dont regret it. I love them to bits, unconditionally, but I admit I dislike them sometimes, when being selfish, lippy and unreasonably argumentative.

I agree it is disingenuous to portray family life as idyllic bliss. It is messy, stressful and exhausting as many pp say. Not for everyone.

I think for the majority of childfree couples the grass is certainly not greener on the other side.

I know quite a few childfree couples and they all say they don't regret their decision.

Aw but it's worth all the cuddles, laughs and hearing I love you. I don't know what I used to do with all my time before and I was a bit bored and I feel more fulfilled having them now.

I must say 1 was lovely and 2 omg shock to the system I don't know how folk do it with lots of kids. It was just getting a lot easier with an almost 3yr old and then back to sleepless nights, nappies etc.

It is way more hard work than I realised. My house is a constant mess and I do about 3-4 times as much house work as previously when my house was always clean and tidy.