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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is having kids all its cracked up to be?

184 replies

Coldwine75 · 10/05/2021 14:35

Watching Location Location Location and all these young couples looking for homes to start their families, all dreaming of a house full of kids and idyllic bliss........is it like that though? I find having a family is mainly tiredness, stress, odd socks , messy house and theres some nice bits thrown in but its exhausting. I dont regret having having kids but its a constant worry , moreso as they get older and you have less and less influence over them.

I get why people turn grey......

OP posts:
Turkishangora · 10/05/2021 16:42

Now they're older it's a lot more enjoyable, primarily as they're more independent and I can have more time to myself. However some things are still hard, I'm beginning to dread family holidays it's so difficult to please everyone. We no longer do full weeks, just short breaks. Having them trashed mine and DH relationship, irretrievably. I think it makes a HUUUGE difference if you have family support. We never did she it felt like a kick in the teeth seeing how much respite and support other couples with babies would get.

All the stuff you're supposed to enjoy, baby groups, school run, school plays etc. I hated. But it's not my DC to be honest, I hate being around other groups of parents... So I avoid at all costs. I'll be honest I'd like to feel less trapped and I feel I've lost my identity a bit.

Livoey · 10/05/2021 16:44

@Turkishangora

Now they're older it's a lot more enjoyable, primarily as they're more independent and I can have more time to myself. However some things are still hard, I'm beginning to dread family holidays it's so difficult to please everyone. We no longer do full weeks, just short breaks. Having them trashed mine and DH relationship, irretrievably. I think it makes a HUUUGE difference if you have family support. We never did she it felt like a kick in the teeth seeing how much respite and support other couples with babies would get.

All the stuff you're supposed to enjoy, baby groups, school run, school plays etc. I hated. But it's not my DC to be honest, I hate being around other groups of parents... So I avoid at all costs. I'll be honest I'd like to feel less trapped and I feel I've lost my identity a bit.

I agree about family support. We’re lucky to have two sets of relatively active parents who live close-by. It would be an endless grind without them taking some of the load.
motherloaded · 10/05/2021 16:47

I still can't wrap my head around how anyone enjoys the early years, I really struggle to understand what there is to enjoy

Not a big fan of the sleep deprivation to be honest, but from 6 months to 3 years (ish), is when they are the cutest, most cuddliest and it's amazing to take a bit of a break and spend time with your kids.

It's the age when they are the easiest to entertain as well, everything is interesting, everything is distracting.

Then they get clever, more articulate, learn to read, go to school, and you have your life back!

motherloaded · 10/05/2021 16:50

I hate being around other groups of parents

I never understood that. A parent of a 5 years old can be anyone from 25 years old to near 50 years old, from SAH parent to ...any profession (salary levels usually depending on your area).

It's just people. Some you will click with, some you won't, some you will ignore and not even notice ever.

But why hating someone just because they have a child the same age as yours?

babbaloushka · 10/05/2021 16:51

Mine are just coming out of their teen stage now and I've never been happier. I still worry, but am so buoyed by how capable and fantastic they've turned out, we are closer than ever and I can genuinely say I get on with them as people.

babbaloushka · 10/05/2021 16:52

@motherloaded

I still can't wrap my head around how anyone enjoys the early years, I really struggle to understand what there is to enjoy

Not a big fan of the sleep deprivation to be honest, but from 6 months to 3 years (ish), is when they are the cutest, most cuddliest and it's amazing to take a bit of a break and spend time with your kids.

It's the age when they are the easiest to entertain as well, everything is interesting, everything is distracting.

Then they get clever, more articulate, learn to read, go to school, and you have your life back!

I found the cleverer and more articulate they got, they better they could argue!
zigaziga · 10/05/2021 16:55

Are you sure they are really imaging this blissful life full of rosy cheeked, happy children playing together happily in a beautiful garden etc ...? Or just that they want a family, imagine it will have its ups and downs but think it will be better to do it in a bigger house in a better location? Or that all things being equal, it would be preferable to move before having children than after?

I love having children. It’s made my life filled with more love and happiness than I really could have imagined ... but yes, each day is generally pretty tiring and stressful and I’m counting down until bedtime.

motherloaded · 10/05/2021 16:56

I found the cleverer and more articulate they got, they better they could argue!

oh yeah, but they can understand consequences and threats Grin

And sometimes, sometimes they actually have a point. When people say you stay young with kids, I think it's because it makes you question and revise your views.

randomlyLostInWales · 10/05/2021 17:04

I think it makes a HUUUGE difference if you have family support. We never did she it felt like a kick in the teeth seeing how much respite and support other couples with babies would get.

I remember feeling that - though as DC have gotten older and easier I've found we do get offered some support from IL. I was a bit Hmm when I was down to one in primary school and thus really one or two shows a year to attend suddenly MIL was suddenly eagar to attend school events having had no prior interest in doing so when we had loads to get to and were struggling to get DH or I there or suddenly offering to babysit when kids are at age when they can be left for a bit.

Turkishangora · 10/05/2021 17:12

@randomlyLostInWales

I think it makes a HUUUGE difference if you have family support. We never did she it felt like a kick in the teeth seeing how much respite and support other couples with babies would get.

I remember feeling that - though as DC have gotten older and easier I've found we do get offered some support from IL. I was a bit Hmm when I was down to one in primary school and thus really one or two shows a year to attend suddenly MIL was suddenly eagar to attend school events having had no prior interest in doing so when we had loads to get to and were struggling to get DH or I there or suddenly offering to babysit when kids are at age when they can be left for a bit.

My parents were asking to have them once past age 7 when they were easier. I tried not to be bitter about it as it finally meant we could go away for a night or something. We've always tried to go out a bit, mainly by paying for expensive babysitters which can make going out prohibitively expensive, esp once you factor in the taxi and meal.
castemary · 10/05/2021 17:21

It surprises me the number of mums who do not think beyond having a baby. I calculated what age I would be when they were 18 and thought about them at different ages.
I think having children is a huge gamble. We do not know what children we will get. We might get children we get on with well and are close to as adults. Or we might get children very different to us and who do not feel at all close to us as adults. We might get children who lead a happy childhood and adulthood, or children who really struggle, have significant mental health problems and need support all their adult life.
And the expectations of mothers keeps growing all the time.

CounsellorTroi · 10/05/2021 17:37

I had fertility issues and couldn't have children but I've come a very long way from the rose tinted view of family life I had when I was ttc.

Januaryissodull · 10/05/2021 17:38

It's very hard work and often a bit thankless, but I think it's fantastic.

I suppose it really does depend on hat you want in life, what kind of support you have around you and what your children are like.

Personally I've found the babies and toddler years the worst bit, although they are obviously very cute. Primary age absolutely joyful, secondary age proving a little challenging but also lovely and can make you very proud.

dancealittleclosertome · 10/05/2021 17:39

I agree that the first two or three years are very very hard work, interspersed with some really lovely moments, but after that, for me, it's been joy all the way. Yes, I hardly ever go out at night (and never with dh, because we don't have anyone else to babysit) but I don't care really. We did turn down a wedding invitation some years ago which would have involved a nightmarish long drive and our small child not being allowed to eat with us, thereby causing us and said child a lot of anxiety, but again, never mind. I love taking kids to all the places I'd have loved to go as a child, and to the places I went on school trips to and have longed to go again.

I didn't have the most enjoyable childhood and I've found doing my best as a mother very healing. I am very definitely someone's beloved mother, even if I wasn't anyone's beloved child.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/05/2021 17:43

I think where people are on the fence I'd suggest not having kids. They are great in many ways but it's such hard work. Relentless. Everyone thinks I have an amazing life on the basis that I don't work full time, but the reality is you're just cleaning, organizing, chauffeuring and facilitating!

I wouldn't change it now but not sure I'll do it again in my next life!!

Youarecountingonme · 10/05/2021 17:49

For us it has been great, our children have been an amazing contribution to our lives and even now they are teens, they are great fun and company. If they choose to stay into their 20s it will be a privilege for us to have them here, obv would not hold them back. This is their home, and we love spending time with them both. Yes of course there are moments of difficulty, illness etc but it tends to make the bond stronger if anything. I couldn't imagine life without children myself, total positive experience for us. I wish I had started younger and had more.

Love51 · 10/05/2021 17:50

I'm a worrier. As in had a few bouts of panic disorder over the years, top level worrier. I don't worry about my kids, I just know I'm doing an amazing job, they are secure, well loved, articulate. Despite the past year being as hard for us as the average family (we haven't lost anyone who lives under our roof, I've lost my best friend, my god dad, and DH lost his nan. We didn't get furloughed but have kept our jobs, so possibly doing better than average there)
I never thought about how much cleaning and laundry comes with children though. It is a lot. They are messier than adults at life basics like teeth cleaning, eating, painting, even at ks2.
They are the mist fascinating people though, they are way more interesting to their parents than other people are!

LuckyMcDucky · 10/05/2021 17:53

Yes, for me, motherhood is probably better than I expected tbh! But I was quite pessimistic about it before I had dcs. I don't think it's a secret that it's very hard work and there can be so many unknowns involved, like maybe you'll have a child with additional needs or maybe your DH will run off with his colleague when you have tiny children etc etc. But, I suppose the answer to the question, "is it all it's cracked up to be" depends on what you thought it would be like. Does anyone think it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows these days?

Youarecountingonme · 10/05/2021 17:54

I've found doing my best as a mother very healing. I am very definitely someone's beloved mother, even if I wasn't anyone's beloved child

That post actually brought tears to my eyes dancealittleclosertome What a lovely post to read, that motherhood was so healing and comforting for you.
You will always be much loved now, what a lovely thought. The love from a child is so tender and pure, it is precisely my experience too about feeling loved unconditionally. I lost my sharp edges and found my empathy and tolerance once I became a mother.

MoesBar · 10/05/2021 17:55

@OrangeRug

Being a parent is fucking soul destroying.
This
FourTurnings · 10/05/2021 17:55

It’s like anything else in life. Don’t do it unless you mean it.

Tangledtresses · 10/05/2021 18:08

I feel I'm out the other side now eldest is16
God it's been hard! But I'm not sure I would've enjoyed my life so much if they'd not been around.... much more relaxed with the youngest as a result and am absolutely enjoying it more as I know in 7 years he'll be a teen too...
I would say I've definitely enjoyed being a parent 😀

babbaloushka · 10/05/2021 18:13

@motherloaded

I found the cleverer and more articulate they got, they better they could argue!

oh yeah, but they can understand consequences and threats Grin

And sometimes, sometimes they actually have a point. When people say you stay young with kids, I think it's because it makes you question and revise your views.

Oh absolutely, the verbal reasoning definitely kept me on my toes and I continue to be amazed at the things they come up with and what they teach me! I love their passion too, I'm too old and wizened to have the same ferocity towards anything as they do now, but it's invigorating to watch them feel their way through the injustices in the world.
Allthereindeersaregirls · 10/05/2021 18:15

No. It can be pretty shit and it's not for everyone.

babbaloushka · 10/05/2021 18:15

But that said, I am still scrubbing make up out of carpets, clearing hair from the drain and rushing to Tesco to pick up something for so and so's birthdayGrin