Is having kids all its cracked up to be?

[Coldwine75]

Watching Location Location Location and all these young couples looking for homes to start their families, all dreaming of a house full of kids and idyllic bliss........is it like that though? I find having a family is mainly tiredness, stress, odd socks , messy house and theres some nice bits thrown in but its exhausting. I dont regret having having kids but its a constant worry , moreso as they get older and you have less and less influence over them.

I get why people turn grey......

Obviously......but it gets harder and harder

'Obviously......but it gets harder and harder'

Hmmm i don't agree it does for everyone and think it depends on the person. My friend for example absolute loves navigating the teenage years. She said she would take the teenage stage any day over the toddler one so it depends on the parent in question and the child i suppose.

It's endless worry tbh. The worry never goes away either, it just changes as they get older.

It stopped being exhausting for me when they were no longer toddlers. Don't get me wrong there are times they are exasperating (the fighting argh), but I don't feel exhausted by family life, I never quite relate to this image that family life is relentless, messy house etc and everything else mentioned. I think for 2 reasons 1) easy going kids (apart from the fighting!) 2) I just try not to make it harder than it needs to be.

I'm 27, child free, gone back to university and live in my own home with my dog.

Someone once said to me you never sleep, you just worry with your eyes closed.

It's a no from me, thanks very much...

As pp have said, parenthood is highly over rated. I love my kids more then life itself, and that in itself is part of a problem. The worry you have for them is immense and it's so hard to see a piece of your own heart hurting and not be able to solve it. Then there are all the practical draw backs, financial burdens, the physical strain pregnancy places on women's body's. I've had to give up a career I spent years at university achieving, as I don't have the child care help, and forget having a life outside them unless you have very good granny's, aunts, friends, all wanting to babysit. I have none of these. I would tell anyone asking me personally for advice about becoming a parent to think very long and very hard first.

Motherhood has screwed my body, my health and my career. It's also the best thing I've ever done.

Mine are still preeschool and younger, so perhaps it'll all changed, but we seem to spend so much time just playing and laughing together, having tickle fights until we are all exhausted. Tiny fingers entwining theirs with yours and telling them they love you, watching the relationship grow between them, and it's just wonderful.

And yes they don't sleep well, and they bicker, and I am don't get to spend as much time with my husband as I'd like, but they are a joy.

I only reluctantly because a parent, and would have been happy to stay child free. I couldn't have imagined how much I'd enjoy it,*

*Obviously they still drive me crazy sometimes.

"You're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child" is something that rings very true for me. Thank god I have only 2 to worry about. And nothing changes when they turn 18. My 82 year old Dad and 72 year old Mum worry about me all the time!

I'm constantly exhausted and my DD can drive us crazy (she's only 3.5 yo) but I don't want to think about my life before her. I was depressed and felt like my life had no meaning. I was sick of travelling and going to pubs and gigs, just had enough of that and I don't miss that kind of life in the slightest. I have a purpose now and no matter how exhausted I am, I can't imagine my life without children.

I think there are certain preconditions you need to have in place to make it work well.

Also, having easy going natured children helps so check your genetic blueprint!

It's probably a combination of luck, firm boundaries, a good dad, a sense of humour, a firm but fair and give and take parenting policy and a kind, thoughtful, helpful, fun partner to bring them up together with which will have the biggest impact on your child rearing experience!

So, make sure your partner is on board with the domestics, school run, weekend lifts etc.

Make sure you have head space, time to do your own thing, being a martyr doesn't help anyone.

Bring your DC up to help around the home so they don't expect a domestic slave. Teach them all the basic life and social skills as early and as age appropriately as possible.

Why are some teenagers and adults still stuck in the toddler stage by not having basic life skills like putting their laundry in the basket or tidying up after themselves ( check out Montessori methods it will help prevent years of strife down the line if you teach basic clean and tidy skills at the same time they are potty training and learning to clean their own teeth.

If you get the early stuff right then you end up with lovely people around you who offer you a cup of tea if you are tired, have prepared a lovely meal for when you get home, ask if you have darks to go in with a wash they are doing and so on.

I love family life with 5 DC, they are the loveliest people and I have recently gone back to uni to retrain after my youngest finished 6 th form so please think carefully about what sort of parent you are, what sort of environment you are bringing them into and what sort of partner you have.

I went through my twenties never wanting to get married or have DC as I thought DC were all spoilt brats and I thought what they entailed would be incompatible with strong feminist principles!

I have proved this wrong

I wouldn't change the fact I have DCs but have found it hard, not going to lie! As others have said I think it is so dependent on how 'easy' your DCs are. Both mine were terrible sleepers when little. DC2 only started sleeping through consistently at 2.5 and had a very long phase of being up for the day at 5am. DC1 was a 'high needs' baby and has never played alone/isn't good at amusing himself. He is neurodiverse and due to this we have had a lot of worry with school although things are much improved now. We don't have family help on the doorstep so there's none of this regular babysitting so DH and I can rest/go out. DH and I are both uptight introverts who struggle with disrupted plans, sensory overload and lack of time to ourselves so we found the baby and toddler stage really tough. I am very thankful to work full time and for my career to be going well. It's so much better now they're older! I can definitely see how people might feel it's not all it's cracked up to be. I think a lot of people (me included) didn't think much beyond the baby stage when thinking about having kids.

I was really unhappy not having a child so for me it was simple - either I would be lucky enough to have one or I wouldn't. For sure it was harder than I had imagined but not so much that I felt cheated- just that I thought I would become unselfish which has never happened. I was quite sad only having one, but more for his sake than mine, and I have to say the simplicity of one kid is a joy. I love him past reason and he just gets better - the trickiest patch was between 11 and 13 and even then he was pretty reasonable. Now he's 17 he's a fellow adult, very far from perfect but always my favourite human. I'm lucky, lucky, lucky.

I wouldsay that every friend I have who couldn't have children appears to have got past that - though I only know what they tell me of course. I would say if you're significantly unsure and you like your life, don't.

Mine are now young adults and have turned out well.But getting them to this point has been so , so much work , worry and fighting for them every step of the way. I also had no support from anyone and looking back now that is what makes me sad . The village has disappeared and that is what makes it all so relentless. I would or could not do it again and have told my kids not to bering any grandkids home for at least 10 years.

@SunscreenCentral

Very true saying I find.

YANBU, but you're not supposed to feel that, let alone say it.
Depends on which child I think about on which day to be honest.

Overall though, I don't think I would do it again, partly because my eldest is so difficult and mainly because the way this world is going, I no longer believe it's the best thing to do to bring more children into the world.

I actually loved the baby/toddler/preschool years, and upto about 9-10 yrs old and have a great relationship with my 16yo, but since entering the teenage years, my eldest (19yo) has become even more challenging and it's sucking the will to live from my life and has probably irreparably damaged my relationship with their dad (my dh).

Mine were both not easy babies, and had awful issues with sleeping due to colicky type problems that lasted around 18 months with each, but it was still rewarding. They change and learn so quickly at that age, but if I had to pick, I would say that toddlers are my favourite stage as they're learning so fast.

@SunscreenCentral, very true, and precisely why I feel like walking out the door never to return most days.

*for the last year or 2.

They drive me insane, take me to the edge and back, no sleep, no money, no time yet are an endless source of joy and love.

It sounds like a but if a pyramid scheme. So many pp saying "my life was boring and meaningless before kids".
Why would it be any different for your kids?
You're just passing the buck.

I've just ordered an interesting book called 'The Baby Matrix'. This is the blurb:

"In the movie The Matrix, the character Morpheus offers two pills to Neo—if he takes the blue pill, he will go on with life as he has before, believing what he has always believed. If he takes the red pill, he will find out what the “matrix” really is, and many of his earlier beliefs will be shattered. When it comes to taking a hard look at a specific set of beliefs about parenthood and reproduction that has driven our society for generations, The Baby Matrix is the red pill.We commonly think our desire to have children boils down to our biological wiring, but author Laura Carroll says it's much more than that. Unlike other books on parenthood, The Baby Matrix: Why Freeing Our Minds From Outmoded Thinking About Parenthood & Reproduction Will Create a Better World takes a serious look at powerful social and cultural influences that drive the desire for the parenthood experience, and lays out why we need to be very aware of these influences to make the most informed decisions about parenthood.The Baby Matrix looks at long-held beliefs about parenthood and reproduction, and unravels why we believe what we believe. It lays out: -the historical origins of beliefs about parenthood and reproduction-why many of these beliefs no longer work for society or were never true in the first place-why we continue to believe them anyway-the prices society pays as a result The Baby Matrix shows us how we got here, brings to light what is true, which includes knowing about the powerful influence of “pronatalism,” and explains why society can no longer afford to leave pronatalism unquestioned. “This is not a book about convincing people not to have children,” says Carroll. “I want people to be very aware of the long-held social and cultural pressures, and be able to free themselves from those pressures when making parenthood choices. This will result in more people making the best decisions for themselves, will foster a society in which those who are best suited to become parents are the ones who have children and one that knows what it means to bring a child into the world today.”This book will make you examine your own intentions and beliefs, will rile you, and might just change your mind. Whether you are already a parent, want to become a parent, are still making up your mind, or know you don’t want children, you’ll never think about parenthood in the same way. The Baby Matrix is a must-read for anyone interested in psychology, sociology, anthropology, parenting issues, environmentalism, and social justice. But most of all, it’s for anyone, parent or not, who reveres the truth and wants the best for themselves, their families, and our world."

Also looking at another book called "The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life".

I've always thought that I wanted kids one day, but now that the theoretical 'one day' is getting a bit closer, I'm thinking it through a bit more and struggling to make up my mind. Most of my friends are getting started on trying to conceive or have had babies already, and they didn't seem to struggle to decide to go ahead with it (though some have really struggled since the baby actually arrived one of them openly says that she regrets it now and wouldn't have any more children). Feeling a bit of pressure from being asked by friends, colleagues etc when I'm having kids, not "if", but "when". Feel like a bit of an outsider for feeling that I'm not 100% sure either way. I quite like my life the way it is to be honest, I don't feel the biological urge to have a baby, or like anything is missing, like some of my friends have described.

It would be amazing if Amazon sold a crystal ball that worked so I could have a realistic idea of what I would be signing up for!

I had a chat about this just yesterday with my friend who knew from a really early age (teen years, now in her 40's) she didn't want children and she never changed her mind. She just never saw herself as the maternal type and over all the years this feeling never changed. She loves being an Aunty and spoiling her nieces and nephews and my son too. So she is happy she made the decision she did. I had my DS when I was 21 (33 now) and the relationship with his dad didn't survive. It's been a massive emotional rollercoaster (luckily i love rides) as kids seem to have this incredible ability to have you tearing your hair out one minute then within seconds your wanting to cuddle them so hard. Well this is the case for me. It's unpredictable and chaotic and I totally have the messy house, constant chores, shopping, limited time for me and and and... all without a partner too. And yet I still wouldn't change it. I brought up my son on my own while he was a baby in a different country to my family so support was limited and yet it worked so I think it has a lot to do with your outlook on life and whether you see yourself open to living for yourself or living for/with someone else (forever). I've seen many friends who holiday spontaneously, eat at super fancy restaurants and shop at designer shops spending as much as my rent on a handbag but this only reassures me that i'm happy with the life i have and the excitement that kids bring to it. I don't think anyone should ever feel pressured to have children or get married. The choice is ultimately yours and deep down i think everyone knows what they truly want for their life its just whether they are able to make it happen, believe in it enough and brave enough to persue it...

@DeadlyMedally

It sounds like a but if a pyramid scheme. So many pp saying "my life was boring and meaningless before kids". Why would it be any different for your kids? You're just passing the buck.

Hmm. I do tend to think it’s a bit concerning when people say that. Like they’re looking to their kids to give their life meaning and find fulfilment. It’s a heck of a job to saddle a baby with.

The most well adjusted children and adults I know were born to parents who had full and satisfying lives before they came along, and who maintained that as best they could as parents. It’s not good for children once they realise they are there to fill a void in their parents.

On the flip side I do know parents, young ones mainly, who had kids young and were a bit aimless beforehand. And who feel that having a child to care for has lit a fire under them to succeed, provide, and be a positive role model.

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

I've just ordered an interesting book called 'The Baby Matrix'. This is the blurb:

"In the movie The Matrix, the character Morpheus offers two pills to Neo—if he takes the blue pill, he will go on with life as he has before, believing what he has always believed. If he takes the red pill, he will find out what the “matrix” really is, and many of his earlier beliefs will be shattered. When it comes to taking a hard look at a specific set of beliefs about parenthood and reproduction that has driven our society for generations, The Baby Matrix is the red pill.We commonly think our desire to have children boils down to our biological wiring, but author Laura Carroll says it's much more than that. Unlike other books on parenthood, The Baby Matrix: Why Freeing Our Minds From Outmoded Thinking About Parenthood & Reproduction Will Create a Better World takes a serious look at powerful social and cultural influences that drive the desire for the parenthood experience, and lays out why we need to be very aware of these influences to make the most informed decisions about parenthood.The Baby Matrix looks at long-held beliefs about parenthood and reproduction, and unravels why we believe what we believe. It lays out: -the historical origins of beliefs about parenthood and reproduction-why many of these beliefs no longer work for society or were never true in the first place-why we continue to believe them anyway-the prices society pays as a result The Baby Matrix shows us how we got here, brings to light what is true, which includes knowing about the powerful influence of “pronatalism,” and explains why society can no longer afford to leave pronatalism unquestioned. “This is not a book about convincing people not to have children,” says Carroll. “I want people to be very aware of the long-held social and cultural pressures, and be able to free themselves from those pressures when making parenthood choices. This will result in more people making the best decisions for themselves, will foster a society in which those who are best suited to become parents are the ones who have children and one that knows what it means to bring a child into the world today.”This book will make you examine your own intentions and beliefs, will rile you, and might just change your mind. Whether you are already a parent, want to become a parent, are still making up your mind, or know you don’t want children, you’ll never think about parenthood in the same way. The Baby Matrix is a must-read for anyone interested in psychology, sociology, anthropology, parenting issues, environmentalism, and social justice. But most of all, it’s for anyone, parent or not, who reveres the truth and wants the best for themselves, their families, and our world."

Also looking at another book called "The Baby Decision: How to Make the Most Important Choice of Your Life".

I've always thought that I wanted kids one day, but now that the theoretical 'one day' is getting a bit closer, I'm thinking it through a bit more and struggling to make up my mind. Most of my friends are getting started on trying to conceive or have had babies already, and they didn't seem to struggle to decide to go ahead with it (though some have really struggled since the baby actually arrived one of them openly says that she regrets it now and wouldn't have any more children). Feeling a bit of pressure from being asked by friends, colleagues etc when I'm having kids, not "if", but "when". Feel like a bit of an outsider for feeling that I'm not 100% sure either way. I quite like my life the way it is to be honest, I don't feel the biological urge to have a baby, or like anything is missing, like some of my friends have described.

It would be amazing if Amazon sold a crystal ball that worked so I could have a realistic idea of what I would be signing up for!

There was a podcast by Kate Lawler exploding whether or not she and her partner should have a baby, as she was in her late thirties. They ended up saying they weren’t really sure so weren’t planning on trying in the immediate future, but later on were very lucky for her to fall pregnant at forty and have a child.

The ‘when are you having kids?’ question is so incredibly silly. The sheer audacity to presume you know another person wants and plans to have them!

@FrozenCucumberPresse

Everyone is different. For some their expectations were met. For others, they weren't. Some expect it to be a nightmare and are pleasantly surprised. Some think it'll be walking on sunshine every day and are disappointed.

For me? Yeah, it truly is. Wanted to be a parent more than words can express, and never thought I'd get to do it. Have one toddler and can honestly say every hour of the day I think to myself how incredibly lucky I am to get to be doing this. I love it all. I love being the mum with the screaming toddler in the supermarket. I love getting weed and pooed on. I love sucking his snot up with a nose Frida when he's snotty. I love when he has a tantrum and the opportunity to support him through it. It's so cheesy but it's all an absolute dream. Keep wondering when the bubble of love will burst but it just hasn't yet. Maybe when he hits three haha.

Having said all that, I'm 1000% confident I wouldn't be anywhere near as happy or fulfilled with two. We're sticking with one. Best of both worlds imo, we get to be parents and raise a child and everything that comes with that while still having plenty of free time and space for hobbies, relationships, down time, our careers, etc.

I've spoken to quite a few parents who deeply regret having had children. They love their kids but if they could go back in time they wouldn't have done it. And that's okay, it's a decision you can't fully imagine living until you're in it, and once you're in it you can't go backwards. Having kids isn't for everyone, and it shouldn't be seen as the default.

^This

I love my DC and DGC but I shouldn't have had them. I'm not a natural mother and I also hate the worry.