Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15

Original poster

To ask honestly if you feel sorry for these women?

370 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 12:50

Who are approaching 40 and single with no kids?
I know a few in this situation and they always say they feel judged and inferior to women of that age who do.
Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship. Now, I am not saying women need a man to be happy but I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

OP posts:

LawnFever · 09/05/2021 13:25

Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship.

What do you feel for them? I would feel that they’re competent independent individuals who don’t necessarily need a relationship to be happy. But your tone suggests you feel otherwise.

It’s fine for you to feel happier in a relationship, is it so hard to comprehend that not everyone needs/wants one?

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2021 13:25

Theres a few woman where I work over 40 without children. Non of my business. I dont pity them or look down on them. They are actually very smart woman, with great careers

Sciurus83 · 09/05/2021 13:25

My friend is on a 6 month extended holiday in the Caribbean, I do not feel in the slightest but sorry for her! Depends on the person and if they're happy doesn't it.

HeadIsFucked · 09/05/2021 13:26

@Dreamingofbeergardens

I feel sorry for them because some people assume they are unhappy or hold the view that they have failed in some way. Why people assume having a partner and kids is what everybody should want I will never understand!

Also this

And echoing the envious replies tbh. Far from feeling sorry for 'them', I am very jealous at times.

Badgerlock42 · 09/05/2021 13:26

But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship

Very noble of you. Take a #BeKind badge for effort.

But what on earth has you convinced that people without a husband or children are lacking in supportive & loving relationships?

Mrsmadevans · 09/05/2021 13:27

OP are you a man?

LawnFever · 09/05/2021 13:30

@LemonSherbetFancies

Please. Read my OP. I didn't say I felt sorry for them. Just the general view that these women experience. In our social circles anyway. My ex colleague always used to say she felt like a failure next to a married mum of 3 who had a high flying career while she was single, no kids and was in a low paying job. I do think more people than they care to admit, do feel sorry for or judge those in this situation. I know from a family member of mine that people did and do feel sorry for her for being midthirties, single, no kids and poor health.

But then you’re part of the problem of thinking they need to be felt sorry for

They don’t, people can live perfectly happy lives that don’t involve partners or children.

MyOctopusFeature · 09/05/2021 13:31

There are many, many women in their thirties who are recovering from years and sometimes decades of anorexia. That disease has robbed them of their best years and the ability to ever bear children. So, yes I feel sorry for them.

That was anorexia. Now then. Sexual abuse and domestic violence running in their families, now let's cover that angle also.....

etc....

No judgments needed for any of those.

Badgerlock42 · 09/05/2021 13:31

Generally I get the same view as well as in my social circle, people do seem to feel sorry for women approaching 40 who do not have this in their lives.

That error is with your social circle, not with the 'spinsters'.

Do these folks take a reductive, patronising view of others who are Not Exactly Like Them or do they reserve it solely for childfree singletons?

Emanchego · 09/05/2021 13:32

I prefer money and (normally) travelling wherever I want at the drop of a hat 😊

Sanchez79 · 09/05/2021 13:32

Honestly? I think 'spinsters' are often the best of us, rejecting the conventional marriage and kids thing is a bold and impressive move. We need a new name for them that reflects their aspirational, empowered place in society.

minou123 · 09/05/2021 13:32

Don't get me wrong, I've had 1 or 2 people (some women) try to judge and pity me. They've given it a good go.

"Awww, what do you do on the weekend without a partner?"
"Don't you feel like you haven't fulfilled your role as a woman if you don't have children?

(Both comments have been said to me)

I always do a little head tilt and tell them they don't need to judge or pity others in order to make themselves feel good/better about thier lives.

aashna · 09/05/2021 13:33

How patronising to “these women.” Not to mention, peculiar. I’m sure they’re all delighted you have designated them as a group and started a thread about whether they should be pitied or not. MN is a weird place.

Smartiepants79 · 09/05/2021 13:33

Only if I know them and know that they feel something is missing.
Judged is the wrong word and certainly not inferior...
Sad for them a bit maybe, but again, only if I know that their life isn’t how they wanted it to be.

Oenanthe · 09/05/2021 13:35

The only women I pity are the legions who put up with an absolutely shit bloke because they're terrified of being alone.

Now that really is pitiful.

How's your relationship, OP?

VladmirsPoutine · 09/05/2021 13:36

You seem to have lumped a great portion of women into "these women." Frankly in my opinion they are living wonderful lives, not dragged down by difficult men and demanding children. Of course everyone has the choice as to what they want for themselves but your post rather does seem as though you're seeking validation because other women didn't make the choices you did. Let them live. God only knows my single childfree sister has an amazing life which doesn't involve waking up at stupid o'clock on a sunday morning to prepare a bottle of milk for a moaning baby and has handbags worth more money than she'd care to admit.

Washimal · 09/05/2021 13:36

No, I don't. If I'm being totally honest I often envy them!

But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship

Patronising nonsense. Who says a woman needs a romantic relationship to feel loved and supported? My single friends are very loved and well supported by their friends, colleagues, family members, why would you assume that isn't enough for them? They certainly wouldn't want you feeling sorry for them!

MindtheBelleek · 09/05/2021 13:36

Do childless forty-year-old men of your acquaintances also elicit these tides of spontaneous pity? Or are they regarded as canny bachelor playboys who’ve avoided the ball and chain of matrimony and the pram in the hall?

dottiedodah · 09/05/2021 13:37

Minou123 How rude! Maybe say to them a nice lie in ,mooch around the shops or whatever ,then out for the evening? Methinks they are jealous of you and your child free life !

DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 13:37

@Mrsmadevans

OP are you a man?

They might be, but it's not at all an uncommon feeling among women. Though it tends to be women who are lumbered with a rubbish man and/or otherwise unfulfilled.

cookiecreampie · 09/05/2021 13:38

I wouldn't want to be in their position but if they are happy and content then that's all that matters. Not everyone wants marriage and kids.

HOkieCOkie · 09/05/2021 13:38

Lol I am one, why would you feel sorry for me? I live life to my own drum beats. No one else and I’m financially secure so I’ll prob go it alone re children at some point.

I feel sorry for mother’s who’s entire personality changes and their husband turn out to be useless dads lol 😂

BillyIsMyBunny · 09/05/2021 13:39

I am single with no children. I think I am asexual as I don’t ever feel sexually attracted to others and I don’t really want a relationship. I have been in relationships in the past but I hated the physical side and since being raped I can’t bear the thought of being touched like that again. I think I am happier without a relationship but I do feel like a failure for feeling like this. I feel like there must be something wrong with me because I seem to be missing that normal drive to be sexual with someone and I know most people see me with pity and look down on me for being single. It makes it hard to enjoy my life or to look forward to the future when I know others see me as inferior and defective for being like this.

emilyfrost · 09/05/2021 13:39

Yes, I feel very sorry for them. To not have a husband, someone to share your life with, or the joy children bring.

I think to not have a family by then would be devastating and I would think they only think they’re happy because they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s very sad.

HOkieCOkie · 09/05/2021 13:39

Also I have supporting and loving relationships with my friends who are also single and childfree by choice

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15