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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask honestly if you feel sorry for these women?

370 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 12:50

Who are approaching 40 and single with no kids?
I know a few in this situation and they always say they feel judged and inferior to women of that age who do.
Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship. Now, I am not saying women need a man to be happy but I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

OP posts:
user648482729 · 09/05/2021 13:01

Only if someone has expressly said that they are disappointed they don’t have that or want that; I don’t assume that everyone wants children and marriage. I’m not sure id describe it as feeling sorry for them as that sounds patronising

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:01

This reply has been deleted

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Lauz841 · 09/05/2021 13:01

Not automatically. If it was someone I knew and they had expressed a desire to have children but never met someone to start a family with, or if they said they were lonely and wished they had a partner, then I would feel sympathy towards them. But if they were happy, career focused, surrounded by friends with no desire to have a partner and children then I’d be happy for them.

Dreamingofbeergardens · 09/05/2021 13:02

I feel sorry for them because some people assume they are unhappy or hold the view that they have failed in some way. Why people assume having a partner and kids is what everybody should want I will never understand!

SixDegrees · 09/05/2021 13:03

Depends what they want, doesn’t it? It’s not an automatic thing that all single women with no kids are unhappy with the way things are.

If they’ve spoken about wanting kids or a partner, then yes, I do feel sorry for them, as I know being single with no kids wasn’t what they wanted.

But I’ve known other single women with no kids that sort of age and older who seem perfectly happy with their life. I don’t feel sorry for those women.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/05/2021 13:04

If you can understand that children aren’t for everyone, you can understand that relationships aren’t for everyone. I will never have another relationship. I don’t want or need your pity.

DeciduousPerennial · 09/05/2021 13:04

In general, no I don’t. Not at all. Not one single bit. Because - in general - I either don’t know them at all, or don’t them anywhere near well enough to know whether a relationship or children are things they would want.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/05/2021 13:05

Nope. Mostly jealous of them. They had the maturity to recognise being married and children wasn't for them. Good for them. As a 'group' they are far happier than the 'group' of married with children, many of whom are utterly miserable and stuck.

grapewine · 09/05/2021 13:06

I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

Good for you, I guess? Not everyone wants what you want.

I value my life on my own terms. Certainly no reason to feel sorry for me. Odd.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/05/2021 13:06

@ClarkeGriffin

No, if they are happy, why should I think they should have children and a partner? Confused

To be honest, I wish more people would reconsider having children. Some really aren't fit to be parents.

I agree - and I include myself in that. I’m a good enough person to know I wouldn’t be a good enough parent.
DrSbaitso · 09/05/2021 13:08

Only if it's not the life they want.

EL8888 · 09/05/2021 13:08

Not being at the beck and call of husband / children. Spending hard money on themselves. Able to travel and do further courses or training in areas of interest without consulting anyone else. Sounds totally dreadful Confused

lidoshuffle · 09/05/2021 13:08

Patronising crap. I'm inferior to no one (at least on the basis of being single/married).

dottiedodah · 09/05/2021 13:09

Who on earth uses the word "Spinster" in the 21st c FFS! Sounds like something from the 40s! I am married and dont feel sorry for anyone who is single from choice TBH. Many more choices these days!

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2021 13:11

@Dreamingofbeergardens

I feel sorry for them because some people assume they are unhappy or hold the view that they have failed in some way. Why people assume having a partner and kids is what everybody should want I will never understand!
So either way you still feel sorry for them?
Original poster
LemonSherbetFancies · 09/05/2021 13:12

Please. Read my OP. I didn't say I felt sorry for them. Just the general view that these women experience. In our social circles anyway. My ex colleague always used to say she felt like a failure next to a married mum of 3 who had a high flying career while she was single, no kids and was in a low paying job.
I do think more people than they care to admit, do feel sorry for or judge those in this situation. I know from a family member of mine that people did and do feel sorry for her for being midthirties, single, no kids and poor health.

OP posts:
PinkArt · 09/05/2021 13:13

Another one of 'these women' here who really doesn't want your sympathy! Very happy with my life and can honestly think of nothing that would be worse for me than having kids.
The relationship I could take or leave, nice if it happens, equally nice if it doesn't. Sounds like it's something that's important to you but please don't assume that's the case for all women.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/05/2021 13:17

Please. Read my OP. I didn't say I felt sorry for them.

I did read your OP, and to quote you directly:

But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship.

Maybe YOU should read your OP.

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2021 13:20

@LemonSherbetFancies

Please. Read my OP. I didn't say I felt sorry for them. Just the general view that these women experience. In our social circles anyway. My ex colleague always used to say she felt like a failure next to a married mum of 3 who had a high flying career while she was single, no kids and was in a low paying job. I do think more people than they care to admit, do feel sorry for or judge those in this situation. I know from a family member of mine that people did and do feel sorry for her for being midthirties, single, no kids and poor health.
From your OP...

Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship.

What do you 'feel' for them if not sorrow?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/05/2021 13:21

I would feel sorry for them only if I knew they were unhappy about it.

LawnFever · 09/05/2021 13:22

@LemonSherbetFancies

I am referring to the women in my life. Some ex colleagues, some family. Many feel that they are looked down upon, pitied or seen as spinsters. Generally I get the same view as well as in my social circle, people do seem to feel sorry for women approaching 40 who do not have this in their lives. Yet on Mumsnet it seems to be a different story.
You’re the one who seems to be looking down on them and seeing their lives as something to pity, that doesn’t mean they’re anything other than happy with their choices - if they’re women in your life you should know if they’re happy without needing to make some judgement on them.

If you stopped being so judgemental maybe they wouldn’t feel so judged!

I think your views are incredibly old fashioned and sexist, plenty of people are perfectly happy without a partner or children, there’s lots more to life and ‘shock horror’ people can be happy in many different ways.

Kisskiss · 09/05/2021 13:23

Your Original post made me feel a bit uncomfortable, it feels like you have issues /pity 40 somethings who are single.. maybe it wasn’t your intention, but it does read that way.
One of my most beautiful/vivacious/intelligent friends is 40, recently divorced and childless, and actually very happy , think she would laugh reading this thread

trappedsincesundaymorn · 09/05/2021 13:23

But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship

I don't understand this bit at all. Being in a relationship does not always equate to being loved and supported. Being single does mean that you are not loved and supported.

HeadIsFucked · 09/05/2021 13:23

Erm..nope. Not really getting WHY anyone would feel sorry for women in this situation?

trappedsincesundaymorn · 09/05/2021 13:24

Sorry "Does not mean that you are not loved and supported" that should have read.