To ask honestly if you feel sorry for these women?

[LemonSherbetFancies]

Who are approaching 40 and single with no kids?
I know a few in this situation and they always say they feel judged and inferior to women of that age who do.
Personally, I do not feel sorry for them if they do not have kids as they are not for everyone. But I do feel for women who don't have a supportive and loving relationship. Now, I am not saying women need a man to be happy but I know from myself how much nicer my life is with DP in it.

Only if its something that they aspire to that they don't have.
Otherwise, no not really. If you're a person who doesn't necessarily want children or a significant other, who is happy with their career, their social life, travelling, enjoying their life on their terms. Honestly, I'd be your biggest cheerleader. If I knew you, I'd want to hear about your life, and I'd be envious in a way of your freedom.
A lot of women give up a lot of themselves to be mothers and wives.

My ex colleague always used to say she felt like a failure next to a married mum of 3 who had a high flying career while she was single, no kids and was in a low paying job.

You realise these are three separate issues?

1. married/single 2. mum of 3/no kids 3. a high flying career/low paying job

I know from a family member of mine that people did and do feel sorry for her for being midthirties, single, no kids and poor health.

Again you realise these are separate issues?

1. single 2. no kids 3. poor health

(I'm not going to count the 'being midthirties' as I'm not sure what that age has to do with anything.)

You might be surprised to know OP that some women choose to stay single and some women choose to not have children. These women can still be very happy and wonderful people. Even those who are .... midthirties!

I am so much happier single.
The freedom is worth more than anything else. The things I can do! Most I wouldn't be able (allowed) to do with a man around. Major diy projects, have many takeaways, eat out a lot, spend in exactly the way I want. Also I dont have to preen or spend any money on hair clothes or makeup or beauty treatments. I no longer feel worthless or compare myself negatively to younger women. I'm no longer in competition with them.
My weekends are my own. No in laws.
Regulating own heating. Paying own bills which are so surprisingly cheap. Watching own TV!

The only slight disadvantages are money and sex but I've found I have more than enough money. £2500pm take home with mortgage under £300.
I can do without sex. The look of quickly disguised horror last time I had sex when i took off my bra and my boobage dropped 😆was enough to put me off it for life!

Realised a while ago that the one who was going to rescue me was myself and so I did.

I have a close friend in these circumstances and I know she's not happy about it because she expresses as much. I feel sad that she's not happy, and hope she finds everything she wants.

Otherwise, I wouldn't give it much thought. Everyone's different and often reaching specific "milestones" in life isn't all you think it's going to be anyway.

“These women”?

You mean women who’ve chosen a particular path in life because that’s what they want? Why on earth would you feel sorry for them?

Not everyone wants a man and/or children.

I’m 41, single, childfree and will remain that way. All my needs are met, I’m not missing out on anything. And I’m very happy and content. I can honestly say that I have never ever envied someone because of their relationship or children, have never once thought I’d like similar for myself. Most of the time it reaffirms my life choices quite strongly.

No. Why would I? I'm jealous. If they're happy, whose business is it anyhow? Some of my best friends are single and childfree by choice, now in their late 40s/early 50s. They have wonderful lives, no regrets are happy.

Having kids is overrated.

I feel sorry for friends who, like me are late thirties, but don't have partners or kids like they want. It's such a race against time in your thirties. I now realise I've been lucky.

I do feel for the women I know who did want those things and it never happened for them. But these are women who have bothered to share this information with me. I do not automatically pity anyone.

I'm 40 and my experiences with men have been terrible. So please don't feel sorry for me now that I'm single and far happier.

I do have an 8 year old DD and she's very happy too.

‘These women’. ‘Spinsters’. Jane Austen, is that you?

@Badgerlock42

Do childless forty-year-old men of your acquaintances also elicit these tides of spontaneous pity? Or are they regarded as canny bachelor playboys who’ve avoided the ball and chain of matrimony and the pram in the hall?

I think I love ya @MindtheBelleek.
Wanna run off into the sunset together, to escape the pity party & social shame of being unattached?

Why, @Badgerlock42, I'm very flattered, but alas, I am married with a nine year old who would insist on coming too as we cantered off into the sunset and would wreck your head within about ten minutes, and you would fire me as your elopement partner.

But I like your style, and would be totally up for a weekend elopement.

I think that if anyone “feels sorry” for someone else’s life situation it’s because you’re scared of having that situation in your own life. It’s fine to admit you’d be scared of being alone at 40, but you shouldn’t judge other people - even under the guise of concern - because we all want different things.

I’d feel sorry if Iknew they longed for children and things hadn’t worked out that way, but that would b3 the same for anyone regardless of age. I also feel sorry for people who feel judged. But I’m surprised at such a sweeping generalisation. I know loads of women in that position who have fantastic lifestyles (and sometimes I feel quite envious, frankly).

I'm struggling with the "feel sorry for" phrase. What does that actually mean?

I know someone whose husband just died; I don't feel sorry for them; I feel sad for them.

Even if someone aspired to have kids & couldn't I wouldn't "feel sorry" for them. It would be their disappointment to learn to live with. I couldn't rise to feeling sad for them. Life has many disappointments; I don't generally feel sad about someone else's disappointments.

1950 called, OP. It wants its values back.

@emilyfrost

Yes, I feel very sorry for them. To not have a husband, someone to share your life with, or the joy children bring.

I think to not have a family by then would be devastating and I would think they only think they’re happy because they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s very sad.

😂😂😂😂😂

Having not had kids, my muscles are in fairly good order so I didn’t wet me self when reading your post! What a sad way to look at life, I feel quite sorry for you.

@LemonSherbetFancies

I am referring to the women in my life. Some ex colleagues, some family. Many feel that they are looked down upon, pitied or seen as spinsters. Generally I get the same view as well as in my social circle, people do seem to feel sorry for women approaching 40 who do not have this in their lives. Yet on Mumsnet it seems to be a different story.

“Feel” they are looked down upon is an assumption on their part. “Many” is a guess on your part. The rest is your opinion drawn from a presumably teeny tiny sample of people. What’s the AIBU? Or is the idea to ignite a punch up between those who are unable to imagine what it’s like to have an opposite opinion/life? I’m not sure what you’re really getting at here?

@sammylady37

“These women”?

You mean women who’ve chosen a particular path in life because that’s what they want? Why on earth would you feel sorry for them?

Not everyone wants a man and/or children.

I’m 41, single, childfree and will remain that way. All my needs are met, I’m not missing out on anything. And I’m very happy and content. I can honestly say that I have never ever envied someone because of their relationship or children, have never once thought I’d like similar for myself. Most of the time it reaffirms my life choices quite strongly.

Hello, me.

I'm 41 and am childless. I do not want ever any one to 'feel sorry for me'.

Maybe empathy kindness and compassion but in my opinion 'to feel sorry' for someone suggests that they are in some way lacking.

We have had two losses and have been ttc for 5 years.

I’m 58, no kids and no husband and that’s how I like it.
TBH, I feel sorry for my married girlfriends who are all completely miserable.

But I like your style, and would be totally up for a weekend elopement.

How very appropriate to the thread, @MindtheBelleek.
Part-time, non-committed shennanigans, & your DH can mind the pram in the hall

As PP’s have said I only feel sorry for them if I know they’d love to be settled with a partner and children

Christ please don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me OP.

I get all the best bits of being married without any of the shit. I feel sorry for married women most of the time the shit you read on here

married mum of 3 who had a high flying career

How common is that scenario though? Every single woman I know with kids, especially multiple kids took a massive career hit to have them. Not saying it doesn’t happen obviously but it seems more often than not it’s the woman who’s career is put on the back burner whilst the Dad had the high flying career.

I think to not have a family by then would be devastating and I would think they only think they’re happy because they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s very sad

I think to not have a huge face tattoo by age 40 would be devastating and I would think people without one only think they’re happy because they don’t know what they’re missing. It’s very sad.