To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

I don’t necessarily feel guilty for earning more. I’m aware I work bloody hard and I’m in my current role because I really do deserve it! I have a stupid sense of fairness, and feel awful when I think things aren’t fully equal and fair.

Normally, with two responsible adults pooling/shared finances is a great way to go. However, OP, your partner is a spender while you are a saver. And for that reason, shared finances is a mistake.

You could do a blended approach. So money for bills and savings go from you both into a joint account. He only has money you agree is disposable in his personal account. Then you transfer all family savings, into a personal account of your own. One he cannot draw from. The right thing to do is to have him agree that he tends to blow money and to agree it’s best that you do this so he is not tempted. It would be wrong to do this behind his back.

@Sleepydreamsofcheese you latest update made me feel you really deserve better, especially the last bit

Regarding the presents - get something from YOU to your MIL if you feel that way, don;t tell him, drop it round with a note saying 'not sure what [x] got you, but I saw this and thought you'd like it' - don;t tell him you're doing this. That way you are not covering for him.

We used to pool our money and I ended up in the same situation. Now we have an amount of disposable each and the rest goes into the joint account which I manage for bills and savings. It took a while but DH is used to it and doesn’t even bother to ask what is in there.

It sound like you are living with a child and a petulant teenager. He really hasn't grown up and you are more like a mother than a partner by the sounds of it. You have to take control of finances, remind him to do things, give him money for his social life when he runs out. It's pathetic. If I were you I'd be dumping him asap. That way you get to enjoy your money and secure a future for your dc before he blows all your savings.

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

Wow, didn’t expect so many replies! Thank you all for taking the time to read my waffling and reply

To answer a few questions...

• We only have 1 DC, I kept it gender neutral just in case anyone I know reads this and figures out who I am (silly looking back now!)

• in terms of why would I commit knowing his attitude, that’s a really good point! We first got together as teenagers and lived separately for a good few years before moving in together and having DC. I think I assumed men matured slower than women so just hoped he would have grown up a bit, as I did. I used to be similar, got myself into a rut with payday loans many moons ago and was in debt up to my eyeballs. I paid it all off and I’m now much more careful with my money and really averse to that type of credit. I think I just assumed that because i learnt how to manage my money properly he would could/would too.

• I have tried to help him get a better job (he hates his current one). There was an opening with my employer, and I told DP that I would help him with the application and give him some pointers. He then asked me to remind him before the closing date and we’ll go through it together. I didn’t. If he has that laid back attitude to the application then he’d have the exact same attitude to the role, and you need to be on the ball in my workplace. I didn’t want to risk it and potentially horrifically embarrass myself at work, so I didn’t remind him and he didn’t apply.

• With the pooling and the add-ins for DC, sometimes they’ll crop up mid-month. Such as shoes becoming to small and outgrowing clothes (DC is growing like a weed currently). So it’s not something I can pre-empt. Some months I won’t need to buy things for them and some months I’ll need loads. When the latter happens, DP already has no money left.

• why am I with him? Very good question, and at this point I’m not sure. Like all people he does have his good points and I know he’d never intentionally hurt me or cheat. But I’m aware that that is the very very very bare minimum that should be expected in a relationship. I suppose he’s all I’ve known since a teen, so it’s really difficult to let someone go who you’ve spent almost half of your life with.

I think it’s came down to me changing, not him. He’s always been like this. I got myself out of a dead end job (with huge thanks to MN on that too) and realised I could have a great career and give DC the life they deserve. My whole attitude has changed - I’ve grown up, taken control over my finances and have a clear career path now.

• with the presents... DP’s mum and brother have been fantastic, and always go above and beyond for all of us when it comes to birthdays, Christmas etc. So when he inevitably runs out of money before his DM’s birthday, I will step up as she deserves to have a gift from her son/DGC. Same with his brother. I do know that I should look the other way and let him crack on and explain to his DM why, but I just feel so bad (for her, not him).

• with giving him money when he runs out, he’s very manipulative. He’ll talk/sigh out loud and then when I ask what’s wrong, he’ll say something like “oh I’m supposed to be going to play football* with my friends and they want to get some food before hand but I haven’t got any money”. Stuff like that. He’ll hint, and if I don’t respond to his hints (because I fucking HATE hinters!) he’ll then ask properly and keep asking until I say yes. He’s very clever in the way that he knows exactly how to work me. He’ll actually have a conversation with me (only really seems to talk to me for more than 2 minutes if he wants something from me) and make me laugh etc, then slide his request in afterwards. Very sly.

You will just have to learn not to give in to that ridiculous manipulation. It’s not up to you to fix situations that he creates, and you are also making it impossible for him to possibly learn from the consequences of his behaviour. You need to think of him as an overgrown teenager, because that’s what he is (and that’s doing a disservice to many teenagers, tbh!).

I agree with pp - get your in laws presents from you, entirely separate from his. Alternatively, have a present budget which you manage as part of the household budget/savings and then give him the money and/or get something together from there at the point of needing it, and NOT before!

Don’t ever recommend him a job at your place of employment again - that can really affect how you are perceived. It absolutely wouldn’t be fair if your professional standing is marred by his shitty approach to work.

Remember that if he was going to change/grow up, he would have done so by now.This is who he is. Whether that’s good enough for you and your child is up to you to determine.

asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back

He's asking you to "borrow" the money presumably not "lend"

Aside from that YANBU

Your situation sounds similar to ours (except we are married) in that I earn more than DH and to a degree this was by his design as he wanted a less stressful job. We are in the same profession and earned about the same when we got married but since then he gave up his job and has taken quite a pay cut and I have had a decent pay rise and promotion.

We pay most of the bills 50:50 but then the rest of the money is ours except that I pay for all food out of my money and I tend to pay for any additional expenses like if we need anything for the house or we are having work done (and we are having quite a lot done atm).

I save and DH talks about "our savings" and complains that I have final say but actually the vast majority of that money goes on the house.

We have talked about pooling our money but I think I'd then be in your position. My thought had been it would be a case of putting everything in a joint account, having joint savings and then having a sort of allowance each. The amount would need to be agreed but we would both have the same.

It still causes difficulties as eg DH has a child, my stepchild, he pays CSM for and I have previously said that if we have this set up then that would come out of his pot (and we'd ensure there was enough for this plus some extra) but he thought that was unfair.

It's difficult OP when one of you earns a lot more but it's not a traditional situation where one is the breadwinner and the other is a SAHP and carries the domestic chores.

I sometimes feel I have to do more of everything.

I also often end up being the one to buy gifts including for his family and friends but I have cut down on this recently.

You need to revert the pooling decision ASAP before he "loses" his job and you enf up support him happily spending hard earned cash on crap.

You say I have a stupid sense of fairness, and feel awful when I think things aren’t fully equal and fair yet you are allowing him to treat you extremely unfairly and just hand over money on demand. How can it be fair that he can just spend whatever he wants, including the savings? However, you do need to save less if you are not keeping enough for the living expenses.

You might not know exactly when the DC will need clothes, but you do know it will happen, so it should be factored into monthly finances. Either add a bit on and leave it in that account, or have another savings account for one off expenses like birthdays and clothes etc. A budget should include all expenses that you know will occur during the year and that includes clothes.

I have several savings accounts, for holidays, long term, DD stuff, various pots to keep it all to one side.

He is acting like a spoiled brat and will never manage his money while you keep bailing him out. Your response to his teenage sulks should be " oh well, if you hadn't wasted it all on takeaway/amazon crap, you would have enough for today". He needs to learn that if he wants £25 for football days, then he needs to keep that to one side.

I was married to a man who couldn't control his finances and it was awful. He went bankrupt before he met me and again after we split up, but not while with me, because I wouldn't let him get into that much debt.

I bailed him out more than once initially, but over the years, realised that it didn't actually help him to solve the problem, because once the debt was cleared by a loan, or his mother, or me, he just did it all over again and then owed twice as much.

We each put an amount of money into our joint account that covers our bills and joint expenses (including Christmas etc) and leaves us each with the same amount of disposable income in our personal accounts.

DH has been earning double my salary over the last few years but my earnings are due to go back up soon and we are paying off a few debts so will each have more disposable income.

I manage the budget spreadsheet and we review it every couple of months or so, or if circumstances change or something's not working.

We are not habitually very organised people but our money arrangement works really well.

I would tell him you are going back to how it was and un-pool. It’s not irreversible and he seems to be on a different style to you when it comes to managing money.

This is why I never combine money.

We are the opposit, DH earn double what I do but he NEVER has money, he thinks nothing of just paying whatever someone says for something without engaging his brain because it saves him the 'work' of researching and it drives me nuts.

Because Im low income I bargain hunt everything + I save because I have been homeless before (he has live of the bank of mam and dad his whole life) and he has no concept of money, yet hes money greedy always complaining about how he needs more and wants access to mine.

As such having everything seperate work best, he can waste his money and I can keep mine safe so I know the kids have everything they need and security, I know I could afford to live the same even if I was suddenly a single mam - would it be nice if he also did that, yes but people views of money rarely change.

It sounds like you have a sense of fairness but he doesn't.

You need to toughen up, start saying no to his demands for money. As long as you are giving him money, he has no need to be careful.

Start putting yourself and your child first.

He sounds like a manipulative man child. You may have a sense of fairness but it sounds like he has zero respect for you.

@Sillawithans

The advice on here is to do exactly what you've done, pool money, pay bills and you both get equal spending money. Anything less is financial abuse....according to mumsnet. The suggestion to keep your savings for yourself is a bit off. If a man posted he wanted to do that, he'd be ripped a new arsehole, several in fact.

That’s bollocks. Other than in situations with one Sahp, who’s putting in sweat equity, the advice I’ve seen on here most often is both contribute proportionately (eg 85%) of net income and this pays for all family expenses. The remainder is kept in personal accounts and is personal money. Op’s dp sounds like a sulky dependent child and ungrateful, to boot.

And I would definitely say to do that things are changing.

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

We take into account birthdays etc with the bills (I have a lovely spreadsheet). A while ago I had a bit of a strop as I was always the one picking gifts, so DP keeps the money for his families gifts in his bank account to buy. More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

He's got your number, hasn't he.

Stop giving him extra money.

Have savings in your own name.

He sounds so lazy, odious and manipulative.

Thank god you didn't embarrass yourself in front of your employer by bring this waster in.

It would have reflected very poorly on your judgement.

OP, you are working hard but insist on self sabotaging by holding yourself back with a waster.

All because you have been with him since your teens.

I must admit the whole never moving on from a teen relationship and then feeling you can't is very bizarre.

You badly need to get some counselling to explore why your standards are so low and why you wanted to have a child with a lazy teen.

You deserve better having worked so hard.
It's such a pity you don't seem to realise that.

You will bitterly regret not realising this in the not to distant future as you continue to mature.

For goodness sake sort out your contraception in the meantime.

What you are describing is that you are falling out of love with him.

He's your first boyfriend, the one you should have dumped and moved on from.

However for some reason, relationship was good enough, hormones. you didn't know it could be better, you thought he would grow up, you didn't. And then you had a baby. So it lastest even longer.

Now he is really starting to irritate you and you are looking around and thinking WTF?

Money burns holes my my DH's pockets too, hence we never pooled. He tends to pay bills first, and the lion's share of them, leaving me with much more disposable income.

I then save loads more than him and spend that savings on our home and holidays, so it's not as if I keep it for myself, I just make sure we are putting plenty aside.

This might seem a bit of an odd set up but it's worked well for us.

You are enabling the laziness. Revoke the pooling and don’t lend him money.

People learn from their mistakes, there’s no learning to take place if you are bailing him all the time.

@mathanxiety

Oh come on, this 'man' does nothing around the house and expects her to finance his slacker lifestyle. He doesn't even show up for work if he doesn't feel like it.

OP, if you don't want to show him the door, you need to tell yourself every single day to NEVER, EVER marry this man. You owe it to yourself and to your child to safeguard your income and your savings.

You and he don't have the same priorities or values. He has an impulse control problem.
Why are you still together?

That sums it all up.

Just stop flogging a dead horse.

You pooled up with a manchild, and had a child with one knowing he was a manchild. That can't be undone now. But why live longer with a waster like this? The future is yours.

You’re only with him out of habit, there’s no point to this sham, dump him and enjoy your life without a parasitic boyfriend.