To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

You need to un-pool your money. Have a joint account for bills only, keep the savings in your own name as he doesn't do any of the saving anyway.
Getting married would be a bad decision, as would putting a house in joint names.

If this was your DC's relationship/partner (in the future) what would you be advising them to do?

You need to go back to the old system where you pay half the bills and then what is left is yours individually to spend.

He's not mature enough to budget properly and live within his means

I'm sure he will kick off about it, but it's not like he will ever leave will he, so he can suck it up!

You are a model for DC's future and the choices they make will be based on their expriences with you.

I wouldn't be marrying this lazy sponger, I would be dumping him! Do nit give him anymore of your gard earned money.

I think you need to unpool your money sharpish. You might have a sense of fairness, but he certainly doesn't. He is just taking the piss.

I would dump him too. He sounds a complete waste of space and an appalling role model for your child.

More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

YABU for this, let alone the rest of it.

He sounds like a low life. I think you'll end up leaving him, looking back and wondering what on earth you were thinking.

I would prorate bills etc based on take home pay proportion with someone like this. It basically means the higher earner ends up with more disposable income and coordinates the savings, which works well if the lower earner happens to be the one who tends to piss everything that touches their hands up the wall.

Eg person 1 brings home 1,200 a month
Person 2 brings home 2,000 a month.

Total 3,200.
P1 = 37.5% of total
P2 = 62.5% of total

If rent = 1,000 p1 pays 375, p2 625
Other Bills = 1000 p1 pays 375, p2 625

P1 left with 450
P2 left with 750. P2 saves a couple of hundred quid.

However: this only works if a) p1 is left with enough access to money. b) p2 is decent about the savings and either puts it in shared name (if p1 agrees not to piss their half away) OR hangs on to it but is reasonable about its shared use

Although having read the whole thread now OP he sounds like a cock lodger, I'd be thinking get shot unless he has a load of wonderful qualities you've not told us about

Can you have a frank conversation about money and say how you feel?
And how things have gone from your point of view now that you are sharing your income 50/50?

I would say that I felt taken advantage of as DP is now spending more than 50% of the joint income on his own personal wants and also disrespecting the agreed upon plans for your future as a family.

I would say that I felt like I had another child not a responsible adult to share my life with. The manipulation of you to give him extra money would make me want to vomit!

Some straight talking is in order I think.

Curious to know if he's buying takeaways is he the only one eating them? Seems odd if that's the case and completely ok if OP is agreeing to the takeaways before hand.

OP like others I would say unpool the finances and just tell him it's not working. But be prepared for the ending of the relationship.

If I've got it right, you are in charge of the savings pot and it's not in joint names?

To PPs who've said how would it be if the man was in OPs position - usually it's a problem because it's a wife taking time out to bring up any children and support the husband in his career whether it's keeping kids and house together and facilitating that career while losing out on hers.

You are with someone who can't cope with "equal and fair" though. He's spending your money as well as his and can't be arsed turning up to work because he knows you'll fund him.

Dump this CF and don't settle for anyone who doesn't have the same standards as you.

Jesus. He's like a seven year old

The pp who said you have fallen out of love with him has hit the nail on the head. That’s the key takeaway from this.

And it’s not that surprising because he doesn’t sound like a keeper!

It’s fine that he earns less and it’s fine that he likes to spend money on different things to what you value. It’s not fine that he doesn’t ever prioritise anybody/anything other than himself and doesn’t seem to pull his weight in any way. I’d be out of love with that too!

- with the presents... DP’s mum and brother have been fantastic, and always go above and beyond for all of us when it comes to birthdays, Christmas etc. So when he inevitably runs out of money before his DM’s birthday, I will step up as she deserves to have a gift from her son/DGC. Same with his brother. I do know that I should look the other way and let him crack on and explain to his DM why, but I just feel so bad (for her, not him).

Drop the rope. Get something from you and DC and let him sort his own gift out. You shouldn't feel bad, he certainly doesn't.

- with giving him money when he runs out, he’s very manipulative. He’ll talk/sigh out loud and then when I ask what’s wrong, he’ll say something like “oh I’m supposed to be going to play football with my friends and they want to get some food before hand but I haven’t got any money”. Stuff like that. He’ll hint, and if I don’t respond to his hints (because I fucking HATE hinters!) he’ll then ask properly and keep asking until I say yes. He’s very clever in the way that he knows exactly how to work me. He’ll actually have a conversation with me (only really seems to talk to me for more than 2 minutes if he wants something from me) and make me laugh etc, then slide his request in afterwards. Very sly.*

You see and recognise the manipulation, so the next time he starts it up, tell hm straight off that he's not getting any money. If he doesn't have any it's his own fault.

But overall, ditch this cocklodger. I know it's hard to leave (I left an abuser after a 30 year relationship) but you owe this to yourself and your DC.

And by the sounds of things, he's going to find himself unemployed soon, with his attitude and the warnings you say he's already had.

Do you want to be paying for everything? Having him trying to wheedle money from you all the time?

Not to mention that if he's at home, then if you split later on, he could claim to be primary carer and claim support from you. Given the manipulation he's so far shown, I wouldn't discount the idea.

You are well on the way to resenting him just on the money issues, let alone taking the lack of housework, etc, into account. To me, this relationship is dead in the wwater. Don't marrry him or buy a house with him.

Since pooling is causing you two to fight, it’s simple, go back to what it was before. He’s an adult and needs to learn to budget..

You need to include DC expenses, saving etc into the bill bit before you split what's left. Perhaps in some separate online saver accounts.

We have a joint bills account, DH being the higher earner by far, this covers the mortgage, bills etc

He then pays me shopping money for food.

Out of our own wages we pay car insurance petrol and clothes.

I pay the kids going out money, he saves for their futures.

We don’t need to pool money.

@Hankunamatata

You need to include DC expenses, saving etc into the bill bit before you split what's left. Perhaps in some separate online saver accounts.

This ^.

You haven't broken things down enough so regular expenses that should be jointly shared and already accounted for, are instead falling to you alone.

You know your kid grows, so put away the same amount every month into a separate pot for clothes and shoe, haircuts, etc. This way when your child has a growth spurt, you have the money already, it doesn't have to come out of the rest of your budget.

You know people's birthdays come up regularly, so again, put aside for that monthly.

Same thing for car MOT, repairs etc.

I have lots of different savings pots, (which may not be the most efficient way of saving, but it works for me). It all goes out of my account day after payday.

But tbh, your partner sounds like a sabotaging waste of space you'd probably be better off without.

He’s an adult and needs to learn to budget.
Completely agree. You need to drop the rope OP.
You're canny enough to see his manipulation routine for exactly what it is. Take strength from that, & start acting on your insight: stop topping up his pocket money.

Since pooling is causing you two to fight, it’s simple, go back to what it was before.
But I don't think is IS the pooling that's causing the fights.
Whichever way the money is split, this workshy, domestic-duty avoiding spendthrift is going to run out well before every payday, & come to OP for more funds.
FFS he kicked off at OP, shouting & storming off, because she didn't want to compromise the savings that they had already agreed not to touch this month.

It's not the way the money is apportioned.
It's the way DP feels entitled to everything the OP earns, yet doesn't even stump up for his own kid's stuff, or his own family's presents.

Yep @Badgerlock42 agree with you 100pct! It’s just easier to change things if you don’t make it personal ‘let’s go back to split costs , this isn’t working out well’ vs ‘you spend too much/think I’m you’re piggy bank, sod off ‘. ( which is the reality .. he’s taking OP for granted, so just take away your charity and let him learn, since he’s behaving like an entitled baby

Please don't marry this man.

Also, I'd just have separate savings accounts. If he saves fuck all, so be it.

In case anyone is claiming MN double standard btw: my DH is the higher earner by far, we have a shared bank account and I have full access (always have, even when I was a SAHM). The difference is, we have very similar spending habits to one another and manage to save regularly without strife over who owes what etc.

I could never be with someone who chucked money away like that (unless they had a truly high paying job and were still managing to save for necessities etc)