To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

Yeah, fuck that shit. Separate out finances again and tell him he’s getting all presents for his side now. He’s not getting presents for your side, is he? He’s a cock lodger, pure and simple.

I also think the philosophy of pooling your money relies on the fact that both partners have a desire to contribute equally to the general good of the family. One person might work longer hours or simply have a job that pays more but the other will contribute in other ways and both support each other. If one person is just a selfish, lazy freeloader of course it won't work as they'll just take as much as possible with no regard for their partner. DH and I have a joing account, no personal account at all. It works great and has one through times when we've had very little disposable income. Obviously if one of us just spent all the money on ourselves on the first day of the month it wouldn't have worked.

I found myself in the exact same position with my EX. The final straw was using our joint credit card to buy tickets to a very expensive event for all his mates 'as a treat'. But I was expected to pay the credit card bill. Note: he's an EX.

Stop pooling your money. Kick him out.

I think pooling your money was the right thing to do, it's just not being managed well. I have been in charge of our finances from before we were married, because of early issues that required DH to not be allowed cash. I was a SAHM at one point, but now I earn more than double what DH earns and his earning potential is low due to mental health issues, which is fine. I don't mind being the breadwinner as long as he isn't taking the piss.

I manage all our money using a budgeting app, called YNAB. All money is allocated first to essentials, then categories like gifts, savings, clothes, eating out, entertainment, holidays. I give us each an amount per month (between £50-100) to spend on whatever we want, if I've earned more and want to treat myself I'll add extra to his pot to make it equal. His goes on alcohol to drink at home (as he drinks more often than me so I didn't want it coming out of groceries), pub (occasionally, when it was open), xbox live and mostly saving towards a motorbike. Mine goes on random crap and any clothing I consider wants rather than needs.

I do worry what would happen if I died as has no idea how to financially run a household... So it's not perfect! I do like being in control though and I'm very good at it.

Or, you could take a day off from the dick pandering.

aaaaw thanks @Naunet, I needed a good laugh xx

I think there is hope for you as a couple

Gordon Bennett.
Man financially abuses woman, man shouts & tantrums at woman when she is reluctant to open her savings account to him on his whim ...
& you HOPE she stays with him @Yummymummy2020?

If money is tight you need to agree 'nice to have' purchases between you, before making them. My DH has a budget for everything regular, including all the child related expense, presents, clubs etc. (depressing that there's so much expense!). I'm aware of the budget for things like clothes, leisure and food, which are the main things I spend on. I don't discuss everything with DH and fortunately money isn't that tight. We control it well though as DH wants to retire in about 5 years on a decent pension.

Unspool you money, NEVER marry him and consider leaving him.

And yes, don't marry him.

That was a major mistake on your part!

You need to redo your budget to include everything for the DC and all family gifts, and make sure you include everything like haircuts etc, then transfer your share of the savings into an account in your own name to protect it, especially if you aren't married and it is coming from your money, or have a separate account in your own name for bonuses etc so at least that he can't touch that.

Only split what's left after you are sure that every single life expense has been accounted for.

He needs to learn how to budget, so once it's gone it's gone. As I often tell DD "you can't spend it twice". I also tell her that you need to work to earn your money. He chose to be off sick and get paid less, and then expects you to just bail him out.

Keep a close eye on the finances, and be careful that he doesn't take out a credit card behind your back and then expect you to pay it off when he can't.

Waste man LTB

That was a major mistake on your part!

I disagree.
That was a fair-minded & generous experiment, which would have worked ideally if DP had chosen not to be a malingering, non-housework-doing, money sponge.

The experiment failed, OP has a clear picture of DP's attitude & behaviours, & can now decide what benefits her & DC best in future WITH NO NEED TO FEEL GUILT ABOUT HER EARNING POWER.

Got it, OP?
You work hard for your money.
Keep it for you & DC.

Should definitely not pool money with him! No way in hell. He could earn more but chooses not to. Enjoy your earnings OP.
(If you were the bloke in this scenario tho everyone would be jumping on you!)

Why do you feel guilty that you earn more money? You say yourself he isn't driven and couldn't be bothered to go in 6 days last month.

Revoke the pooling of money split your current savings pot and going forward:

1 have your own savings pot;
2 stop picking up the flack. He needs to pay into the pot towards his dc, birthdays etc too.

My DH earned 4x more than me and used to piss his salary away every month while I managed to have savings (by carefully budgeting). He thought he was ok with money because he had no debt but got a shock when we had a big repair bill for the house and we had to use a chunk of my savings (equivalent to 25% of my pre-tax income). He started budgeting with YNAB after that. It took a few months of work for him to really understand how many irregular expenses there were (birthdays, Christmas, opticians, home repairs, travel etc). He's ashamed of how much money he's thrown away over the years but it wasn't until he saw it in black and white that he realised that his "disposable" income was much much less than he thought. He also learned that I had savings because I deprived myself of things I'd like to buy, not because it was money I happened to have left over at the end of the month. Yep, he thought my savings were leftover money

He needs to grow up and budget he is no longer a teenager sneaking a sub off DM on a Tuesday for work bus fare.

Even if I pooled the money I'd still think the bonus was mine. If he is a spendthrift stop pooling your money.

There's a middle way you can go, OP.

Unpool your money and, instead of splitting bills down the middle, split them proportional to your income.

So if you earn 70% of the income, you pay 70% of the bills. He pays 30% of the bills (including the children's costs), and you both keep whatever of your income is left over.

Personally I would review your entire relationship with this man. I certainly would not marry him. It will be an expensive divorce for you if you do.
If you do stay with him, see what money the household needs to need put aside each month for ALL outgoings (presents over the year, bills, holidays, clothes, travel costs, everything basically, plus whatever you want to save each month for a deposit) - what is left over you each get half of as a spending allowance each to spend as you choose.

He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, and he is acting like a teenager.
I think he is not the man for you.

I haven’t yet found a single redeeming feature noted for this useless man.

Perhaps the first step would be to decide if he actually has any?

What I would do is add all the money together and see what percentage you each earn.

Apply that percentage to the bills and then you both have a proportional amount of spending money. Yours will still be more than his but it would be fair and if he wants more he will have to earn more which it sounds like he has opportunities to do.

Wow, didn’t expect so many replies! Thank you all for taking the time to read my waffling and reply

To answer a few questions...

• We only have 1 DC, I kept it gender neutral just in case anyone I know reads this and figures out who I am (silly looking back now!)

• in terms of why would I commit knowing his attitude, that’s a really good point! We first got together as teenagers and lived separately for a good few years before moving in together and having DC. I think I assumed men matured slower than women so just hoped he would have grown up a bit, as I did. I used to be similar, got myself into a rut with payday loans many moons ago and was in debt up to my eyeballs. I paid it all off and I’m now much more careful with my money and really averse to that type of credit. I think I just assumed that because i learnt how to manage my money properly he would could/would too.

• I have tried to help him get a better job (he hates his current one). There was an opening with my employer, and I told DP that I would help him with the application and give him some pointers. He then asked me to remind him before the closing date and we’ll go through it together. I didn’t. If he has that laid back attitude to the application then he’d have the exact same attitude to the role, and you need to be on the ball in my workplace. I didn’t want to risk it and potentially horrifically embarrass myself at work, so I didn’t remind him and he didn’t apply.

• With the pooling and the add-ins for DC, sometimes they’ll crop up mid-month. Such as shoes becoming to small and outgrowing clothes (DC is growing like a weed currently). So it’s not something I can pre-empt. Some months I won’t need to buy things for them and some months I’ll need loads. When the latter happens, DP already has no money left.

• why am I with him? Very good question, and at this point I’m not sure. Like all people he does have his good points and I know he’d never intentionally hurt me or cheat. But I’m aware that that is the very very very bare minimum that should be expected in a relationship. I suppose he’s all I’ve known since a teen, so it’s really difficult to let someone go who you’ve spent almost half of your life with.

I think it’s came down to me changing, not him. He’s always been like this. I got myself out of a dead end job (with huge thanks to MN on that too) and realised I could have a great career and give DC the life they deserve. My whole attitude has changed - I’ve grown up, taken control over my finances and have a clear career path now.

• with the presents... DP’s mum and brother have been fantastic, and always go above and beyond for all of us when it comes to birthdays, Christmas etc. So when he inevitably runs out of money before his DM’s birthday, I will step up as she deserves to have a gift from her son/DGC. Same with his brother. I do know that I should look the other way and let him crack on and explain to his DM why, but I just feel so bad (for her, not him).

• with giving him money when he runs out, he’s very manipulative. He’ll talk/sigh out loud and then when I ask what’s wrong, he’ll say something like “oh I’m supposed to be going to play football* with my friends and they want to get some food before hand but I haven’t got any money”. Stuff like that. He’ll hint, and if I don’t respond to his hints (because I fucking HATE hinters!) he’ll then ask properly and keep asking until I say yes. He’s very clever in the way that he knows exactly how to work me. He’ll actually have a conversation with me (only really seems to talk to me for more than 2 minutes if he wants something from me) and make me laugh etc, then slide his request in afterwards. Very sly.

My ex was exactly like this. He didn't change. I've paid for everything over the years relating to the DC, house etc. I separated all of my finances from him and eventually got away last year (complex overseas issue).

He's now living with his parents at 62 with no house and a very small military pension. He hasn't contributed a penny to the DC since I left (no change there then ). I've got a deposit already there for me to buy a house for me and the DC when I've been back 3 years and can get a mortgage. I'll be working until my 70s though.

Don't be me - don't let him waste 20 years of your life working harder and harder while he contributes nothing.