To think I’ve made a big mistake in suggesting to pool our money...

[Sleepydreamsofcheese]

Hi everyone! Fully prepared to be told I’m BU, so here goes...!

DP and I have been together for 10+ years, and have 1 DC. We’re not married (this is down to me - it’s not an important factor to me and I’m happy to get married at some point in the future, but it’s not the be-all and end-all). I earn more than DP, and have done for the past 2 years.

With our finances we used to split the bills down the middle and then whatever we had left over was ours. I felt bad that I’d always have more disposable income than DP, so I suggested that we “pool” our money, and split the remainder after bills etc to spend however we wanted. We’re also trying to save to move, so this is taken into account.

I’ve been feeling a bit bitter about the situation though as DP pisses through his money within days, but this month had really pissed me off. I had a bonus from work (around £800), which enabled “us” to put a good chunk into our savings. I told DP that the savings were not to be touched as we’ve been slacking lately, and we really need to save enough to move, to which he agreed with.

After a few days DP had spent ALL of his money on useless stuff (Amazon, takeaways, etc) and was asking to ‘lend’ money from me. I told him that it’s not actually lending though is it, as it’s joint money so I wouldn’t actually get paid back. He then asked for money out of the savings pot. I (obviously) said “no, we’ve spoken about this and we’re not touching it”. DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

My argument is we wouldn’t have any savings if it weren’t for me pushing it, and we definitely wouldn’t have had the larger chunk this month because of my bonus. I’m also pissed off to think that I’m working hard and essentially topping up his wage for him to just spend his money like he has no responsibilities. For context, I buy DC things that they need, such as clothes etc and DP doesn’t offer to chip in. If I mention that it would help if he contributed £x towards it, the response would be “ah sorry, I’m broke now until payday”.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

I’m also annoyed at DP’s lack on ambition, he seems perfectly content with letting me be the main breadwinner while he’s on a fairly low wage. He’s had opportunities at work to progress and earn more, but he is a lazy shit with no ambition so turned them down.

I grew up in a single parent household where money was very tight, and I want to be able to give my DC the things I didn’t have growing up which probably explains why I’m so laser focussed on having a decent income. It just feels like DP is more of a hindrance than anything who is happy to spend the money that I earn busting my balls at work.

Any advice

Sorry for the stupidly long post!

For further context, my disposable income goes on any birthday present we have coming up in the month (both mine and his side), pocket money and treats for DC etc. His money goes on Amazon, video games, takeaways and in general pointless shit!

Can't be bothered to read the full thread but just say it isn't working for you so you're going back to the original way.

Everything he does shows his utter contempt for you. He regards you as his free money source , his child’s nanny, his housekeeper, his errand- running skivvy.

You need to decide whether the sex is worth living in a relationship without respect, because if he’s prepared to take the piss with his employer, he’ll never step up for you and his child.

Pooling money hasn’t worked, time to revoke that. Keep savings in your name only. Child -related expenses come from the household budget. His family’s presents come from his budget- let him face the consequences if he doesn’t bother.

Well, The first thing is that if you want to pool money you don’t seem to be effectively doing it - if you are having to buy stuff for the kids and he doesn’t contribute then that’s not pooling. So I think you need to give yourselves an allowance each month to spend as you wish. It sounds to me like your are allocating too much money for free spending, and you don’t spend it all but he does.

Given he is shit with money, then either go back to not pooling, or use the system above so free spending is more restricted.

The deeper problem here though is you are getting fed up with living with a lazy man with no drive or ambition. I think you are going to be more unhappy in 5 years, so I wouldn’t get married and I would build up your savings.

Agree with unpooling everything and just pool bills. I'd also include presents in this too. I wouldn't split savings, keep a separate savings account and make sure you put your £800 bonus in there, you worked hard for that and your earned it, don't let him piss it away. I know it sounds harsh and I know it won't be straight forward as you have dc but is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life by bailing him out all the time? You will never have any money living with someone like this, the more you earn, the more he'll take

If you're not happy then un-pool it!

I would definitely unpool, but contribute to the shared bills in proportion to wages

That makes it feel a bit fairer but removes his ability to fritter away your money on crap

Sounds like you are heading into parent and child roles rather than partners.

Also sounds like you do not share the same values around financial security and work ethic.

I would not be pooling income in that situation, OP. And unless he has many many redeeming features, I am not sure I would want to stay in such a relationship.

You both work so after shared expenses have gone out then that money should be your own. If one person has less they cut their cloth accordingly.

Hmmmm.....I don't think this should be the case for every couple. My husband's career means that his hours are very long and completely irregular. When we had children it was clear that I was going to be the main childcarer, even if working, as DH simply was unable to ever guarantee he would be able to pick up from nursery, unless he'd taken a day's leave. Because of that my career was always going to take a back seat and I was always going to earn much less than him. I was fine with that. However, if he had expected me to pay half the bills and be left with a pittance of disposable income at the end of the month while he frittered hundreds on shite for himself each month (as he "worked for it") then I would have told him to do one, as I would have been better off divorced from him!

We are both sensible with money, discuss our potential spending (and that included discussion of his own large purchases when the children were babies and we were relatively skint compared to now), he is generous with me and now, after an inheritance, I am generous with him and he will benefit.

No couple's situation is the same, so there is no such thing as blanket advice to "pool money if you're married" or "always keep your money separate no matter what". Everyone will come at it with their own experience and views on spending, children will change the equation, and so will marriage.

The one piece of advice I would give anyone is to always figure out your partner's attitude to money BEFORE you commit in ANY way, whether that is buying a house, getting married or having children. It's a fundamental personal quality/value. Why commit to someone if you don't know them inside out?

Will you still be giving him weekly spending money to waste on shit, when he loses his job?

Honestly, this is not a partnership of equals. He is not supportive of you and doesn’t share your core values. You are incompatible.

At what point will you decide that enough is enough?

It seems like you don’t like or respect him very much (justifiably!), maybe it’s time to consider whether you really want to even be with this person. It seems like he is offering you nothing and it is costing you money.

Financial irresponsibility, inability to grow up and get his act together and stop frittering away our future on absolute shit, ended my first marriage.

At some point you lose all respect for this sort of behaviour, and begin to despise the laziness and lack of stepping up.

I don’t regret it for a minute. He was a good man in many ways, but we had different values around money and it just didn’t work. I don’t regret it for a second and am much happier in my second marriage to a man who actually takes responsibility for his life.

Op my answer would be a simple, DP this isn't working, let's try something else.

If your old way worked for you revert back to it.

Some people are better with money than others. And finding the middle ground is key.

MN would be horrified at how DH and I work our money. But it works for us. Now and then we think we should change it but never actually decide how.

DP then went in a huff, spouting that half of the savings were his, and I can’t withhold his money from him...

That is OUTRAGEOUS behaviour from a man who

1. is already benefitting from the generous 'pooling' split which gives him more disposable cash than a 50/50 arrangement
2. who doesn't put his hand in his pocket for his own child's clothes & necessities
3. & who decides it's ok to bunk off work without pay (& risk the sack, given his employer's warnings)

OP, you must be feeling, at the very least, underwhelmed & upset.

DP is behaving very unfairly, but the thing that worries me most is the astonishing level of entitlement he has developed about your earnings.

Sadly, there are people who can receive generosity, appreciate it, & pay it back in reciprocal & other ways, ensuring a happy balance. But there are also people who, when you give them an inch ...

You DP appears to be well on the way to cocklodging.
The unilateral 6 days off are a case in point. Surprise us all ... did he pick up the slack on domestic chores & parenting while he was skiving, & you continued to bring home the bacon?

You are wise, as the main earner & apparently Sole Grown Up of the Household, not to marry this man, because it seems like he knows I’ll pick up the slack financially.
He sure does.

His tantrum about the savings is designed to shut you down so you don't question the current financial status quo.
You have been more than generous, you have tolerated his refusal to pay for his child, & this is how he rewards your loyalty.

I urge you to change the financial balance back to the 50/50 set-up you have before you made the kind offer to 'pool'.
This is less about the money, short term - but very much about how he responds to the suggestion.
His attitude to the change will show you whether you are seen as a much-loved partner, or as a cash cow.

I'm sorry he's thrown our generous nature in your face so rudely & manipulatively. Been there, done that - it bloody hurts.

@Sleepydreamsofcheese

We take into account birthdays etc with the bills (I have a lovely spreadsheet). A while ago I had a bit of a strop as I was always the one picking gifts, so DP keeps the money for his families gifts in his bank account to buy. More often than not he’ll spend the money he’s allocated for the birthdays, and I’ll end up buying them

Well stop it then

He has the money to buy them gifts, not your problem

He spends money on shit, he's an adult he is allowed to - you aren't his boss because you earn more. If this is no longer working for you then you need to leave the relationship

He has a child for fuck sake, so no, he doesn’t get to piss all his money away on himself. Why on earth would that be fair when OP is having to buy all child related things out of her own spending money? Do you think that’s just a woman’s responsibility?

Pooling money-It isn't working . You (justifiably) feel put-upon. How is that better than feeling (less justifiably) guilty?

When planning to get married (on pre-marriage course) we were warned that financial compatibility was vital to our likely happiness together.

He sounds like an expensive luxury. Do you enjoy him enough to make him worth keeping?

I would just tell him the current arrangement isnt working and that he needs to pay £xxx a month for his share of bills and household expenses, including birthday gifts, savings etc.

The balance he can do what he likes with as long as you have covered all the outgoings equally. Have ‘joint’ savings in your name fed from the bills account and then more savings from your hard worked for salary that you can choose to do what you want with. If he needs more money he needs to work for it.

DP’s argument is that the pooling of our money was my idea, so it’s unfair of me to be kicking off about this. I suggested this because I felt bad that I had much more disposable income than him, and i felt like a shitty person.

Yeah, the manipulative sod is playing you.

There is NO need for you to feel "bad" for earning more.
Please allow yourself to toughen up on this, because it's the chink in your armour he's exploiting.
There is no POINT in the 'pooling' arrangement, because it only benefits a man who pisses his money away on himself, then comes to you with his hand out for more.

You are effectively giving yourself a paycut, but spending YOUR disposable on e.g. DC clothing & activities, while he fritters his 'extra' pool money like a teenager. He is also compromising your saving power, i.e. the future security for you & your child.

He clearly has no interest in building up savings ... so, hurtful as it is to address, what does this say about being on the same page as you with long-term goals?

I'd also keep quiet in future about any bonuses you earn.
He so obviously thought that at least half of that £800 belonged to him - hence running through his own spending money in rapid order, asking you for more, then demanding that you ransack the savings account to satisfy him.

He should be ashamed of himself, but his entitlement means he won't be. What's yours is his, what his is his, & if his child needs new shoes, "sorry I'm skint til next payday" ...

You are not compatible. Because he is a but shit.

Just leave him. He will hold you back fot years.

The bigger issue is you seem to have completely different aspirations- you want to save for a house and he doesn't seem to care less. So long term how will that work? Will you never have nice things that need saving for? What about when the kids have school trips and term sof clubs that need paying for etc. This would potentially end my relationship if we couldn't get on the same page- which I know sounds crazy as the initial issue you have posted about doesn't sound that bad.... but it's everything that goes with it.

As pps have said , someone with your attitude to money can't happily be in a relationship with someone with his attitude to money. It just won't work.

I was married to someone like him. Despite having a good income , we were always broke. Actually , I hobbled away from that 13 year relationship with half of a 2k overdraft to pay off.

I'm now married to a man that matches my financial view , we have savings and a nice life.

You deserve better than this.

You gave him the opportunity to be an equal, he's abused that. I think you've seen now that you're flogging a dead horse. He's not interested in progression at work, as he's got you to leech off. You need to decide if you've got a future with someone who isn't interested in being an equal contributor to your family. You're always going to be the breadwinner from what you've written. Going back to the way you were before may not work now he's had a taste of living off you. He's got used to you paying for everything, and his wage is his pocket money. I think you need to think long and hard on this one.

STONKING post @GroovyPeanut.
Also, I envy your succint, non-nonsense writing style ;)

I would stop pooling money immediately, it isn't working because you have different attitudes to money. Have savings in your name only, he will just spank the money. My husband and I have totally different attitudes to money, so we put a set amount into a joint account for bills and joint savings. I earn half what he does (am part time after the kids) but he has never seen the point of saving and wouldn't if I didn't arrange it.

The bigger issue is you seem to have completely different aspirations- you want to save for a house and he doesn't seem to care less.

No, he wants her to save for a house and keep providing him a lifestyle while he does as he likes. I bet he quite fancies a house.

I,d dump him. I was married to a freeloader like this foe 20 years it was exhausting and I was sick of it. It is such a relief now he's gone. They act like teenagers not grown adults.