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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral Dilemma

425 replies

freerunner75 · 08/05/2021 15:56

My partner and I have been together 12 years. Both married previously, my marriage ended horrifically, my husband blew a tonne of my savings and left me in £25k debt. My partners marriage was similar, his ex left with an extremely large settlement.

We moved in together to a rented place with a view to buying something together. His marital home was sold to settle the divorce agreement, but he had one other property in his name at the time which he kept and rented out. The house we now live in - was bought at an extremely low rate from family. I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce. I pay half towards the bills and we have both designed and improved the house since we have been here - i have paid for only soft furnishings and a few bits of furniture as I earn a lot less than him and most of my money goes towards the bills and my kids. The house we live in has tripled in value since we have been here and made improvements.

So, we are not married, no mortgage together, no life insurance for each other, nothing. Together 12 years.

The whole lack of financial security is a big issue to me and has caused us endless arguments over the years. But he won't budge. Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations.

Am willing to take a bashing on this - however am I being unreasonable to request for him to set aside some money for me in case our relationship does break down irretrievably so that I have a safety net? I was thinking perhaps £1000 per year for every year we have lived together - signed and agreed by both and by a solicitor so we both know where we stand?

I am currently earning more than I have for a while and am starting to be able to save again - but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years... yet he is sitting pretty. I know it sounds bloody awful, but it would take a lot of stress off me and our relationship and I don't think I am being unreasonable.

But I am expecting to be told that I am..... thoughts please.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 08/05/2021 16:24

This is insane imo, I can’t see how it is at all reasonable to expect him to pay you 1k for every year you have been together in case you break up??
You live in his house, pay 50% of the bills and he pays his mortgage. Considering he pays the mortgage and you earn more than him why is it his job to provide you with a safety net rather than your own?

user648482729 · 08/05/2021 16:27

I don’t understand why he’d pay you any money; you’ve paid towards soft furnishings which you could take if you moved out and you haven’t paid towards a mortgage? If you two hadn’t moved in together you’d have been paying rent surely so why didn’t you save that money?
I get that it’s hard to know that if you split up you wouldn’t have anything but I don’t understand why your partner needs to be responsible for that.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 08/05/2021 16:28

I don’t think you realise how good you’ve got it op. You may not have financial security, but that’s through the choices you made, not him. You’ve found a man that has willingly put a roof over you and your children’s head, and covers enough of your living expenses that you can spend most of your money on the children that aren’t his.

BadLad · 08/05/2021 16:29

@MiddleClassProblem

If you weren’t with him, wouldn’t you be paying more? Rent/mortgage plus full bills, kids etc?

Surely the problem is you can’t afford to be independent and that’s what you should focus on.

Millions of keyboards would need new L, T and B keys from the pounding they'd have if a woman was posting on here that her boyfriend was demanding a grand for each year of their relationship.

I think this is probably the most unreasonable thing I've ever read on here.

BellaTheDog · 08/05/2021 16:30

He’s taking you for a mug! I would give him an ultimatum: marry you, put you on the Deeds to the house or fuck off.

lljkk · 08/05/2021 16:31

Does OP have kids with him? I may have failed to read carefully but I don't see joint kids mentioned.

I wonder if, For me, it comes down to opportunities foregone. If OP has made income sacrifices that gave her partner security & a family life -- then OP has a moral case for saying he owes her some financial security in case of their break up.

otoh, if partner has provided a very cheap home over the heads of OP and her children that enabled OP to work less and focus on quality family life for her children (which her partner didn't especially seek but simply facilitated), then he has already given her a lot of benefits in kind.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 16:31

@Blossomtoes

but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years..

And this is what happens to women who don’t protect themselves financially. It’s what MN warns women about again and again.

This.

I'm afraid this one's on you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 16:32

@BellaTheDog

He’s taking you for a mug! I would give him an ultimatum: marry you, put you on the Deeds to the house or fuck off.
LOL, yeah, right, she'll be the one fucking off.
Merryoldgoat · 08/05/2021 16:34

The children - are they shared or just yours?

I’m tending towards you being unreasonable.

Blossomtoes · 08/05/2021 16:35

@BellaTheDog

He’s taking you for a mug! I would give him an ultimatum: marry you, put you on the Deeds to the house or fuck off.
I imagine you’d be on your arse on the street pretty quickly if you attempted that.
ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 16:35

@BellaTheDog

He’s taking you for a mug! I would give him an ultimatum: marry you, put you on the Deeds to the house or fuck off.
What? She hasn't contributed anything other than maybe a sofa or two.
Pansypotter123 · 08/05/2021 16:35

Any life assurance policies in your/his favour?

Any death in service benefit in your/his favour?

Do you have wills? Who will inherit his inheritance (ie the house) should he pre-decease you?

NoSquirrels · 08/05/2021 16:38

We moved in together to a rented place with a view to buying something together. His marital home was sold to settle the divorce agreement, but he had one other property in his name at the time which he kept and rented out. The house we now live in - was bought at an extremely low rate from family. I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance'

So you’re living in the house he previously rented out?

Why did you stop discussing buying together? Presumably you haven’t been in a position to buy somewhere together if you don’t earn much and have been paying off debt?

The best thing to do would be to either save up a lot yourself, or insist on buying a property together - even if this is a small rental property and you continue living in your current home.

You can’t ask him for £1,000 per year you’re together - if anything you have profited from living rent-free so you’ve no claim at all to being disadvantaged unless you have children together and you have done all the childcare.

Lordamighty · 08/05/2021 16:38

You need to build up your own savings & don’t ever spend money on a house you don’t own unless it’s stuff you can take with you.
It is unreasonable to expect him to pay you for the years you have been together.

VodselForDinner · 08/05/2021 16:38

Your kids are 18 and 20.

You’re basically housing three adults in return for 50% of household bills.

You’re a fannylodger.

I hope he sees this thread.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/05/2021 16:39

In another post it says they children aren’t his (he has two of his own that stay frequently) and they pay half the bills each and he alone pays the mortgage. If you haven’t saved the equivalent value of his mortgage or average rent that’s on you. The children aren’t small so no huge childcare costs.

Why on earth should be put you on the mortgage or deeds? Presumably he wants his own children to inherit the house he alone has paid for.

Confusedandshaken · 08/05/2021 16:40

I can see this is a problem for you but not sure how it can be seen as a moral dilemma.

TeeBee · 08/05/2021 16:43

Why the bloody hell would he give you his money??! Earn your own and build your own financial security.

MargosKaftan · 08/05/2021 16:44

OP - have you not saved anything, given you have lived rent and mortgage free for over a decade?

Start now. Build your own savings. You have no right to his money.

Viviennemary · 08/05/2021 16:45

I don't think you are entitled to a share of his inherited house as you aren't married. You need to save up and buy your own place. If this was a man wanting a share of a woman's property or wanting a cash lump sum I can imagine the pile on against.

Minezatea · 08/05/2021 16:46

I too can't see a dilemma. You have benefitted from much lower living costs over the years because of his inheritance. So either you have chosen to spend money rather than save it/ buy your own place with it which mean your lack of financial security is on you, or you have actually earnt very little over the years in which case the lack of financial security is a consequence of having very little income. Neither option means he should feel obliged to continue to support you if you split up. Why do you think he should? You have no kids together so have not lost out on your career because of supporting his kids. I can't understand why you feel entitled to the benefit of his inheritance. Is this a reverse perhaps?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/05/2021 16:47

You can take out life insurance on him.

SunshineCake · 08/05/2021 16:49

Stop paying for soft furnishings for a start though after twelve years how many more could you need.

If he isn't going to change, and is happy to assume you will do what his ex did, then maybe it is time to leave this unequal, not secure relationship.

If she got a large settlement then there must have been plenty left for him too. Unless there are kids why would she get loads and him nothing.

iseefarts · 08/05/2021 16:50

Oh - so you're not even paying rent, just bills???

No you can't ask him for any money! Surely if your kids are adults and you're only paying towards bills you must be saving loads of money, you're living rent free! He's saved you thousands over 12 years!

suggestionsplease1 · 08/05/2021 16:51

Well it's a shame you've not built up your own financial independence with savings.

But of course that wouldn't have got you anything like the percentage rises that your partner will gain for their equity in the house.

And whilst his equity has gone up 300%,( or so you claim, this seems a lot,) the furniture that you have contributed to has probably decreased in value substantially, maybe 80%. So I can see why it feels like you've got short straw.

But that said I understand entirely why your partner is protecting his asset, I'm sure I would want to do the same. The real possibility was back in the beginning...you could maybe have insisted that he rented that house as well whilst you both went in mortgage for a 3rd place. That would have protected you a bit more. But you've had many years rent free which is also a big bonus.