Moral Dilemma

[freerunner75]

My partner and I have been together 12 years. Both married previously, my marriage ended horrifically, my husband blew a tonne of my savings and left me in £25k debt. My partners marriage was similar, his ex left with an extremely large settlement.

We moved in together to a rented place with a view to buying something together. His marital home was sold to settle the divorce agreement, but he had one other property in his name at the time which he kept and rented out. The house we now live in - was bought at an extremely low rate from family. I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce. I pay half towards the bills and we have both designed and improved the house since we have been here - i have paid for only soft furnishings and a few bits of furniture as I earn a lot less than him and most of my money goes towards the bills and my kids. The house we live in has tripled in value since we have been here and made improvements.

So, we are not married, no mortgage together, no life insurance for each other, nothing. Together 12 years.

The whole lack of financial security is a big issue to me and has caused us endless arguments over the years. But he won't budge. Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations.

Am willing to take a bashing on this - however am I being unreasonable to request for him to set aside some money for me in case our relationship does break down irretrievably so that I have a safety net? I was thinking perhaps £1000 per year for every year we have lived together - signed and agreed by both and by a solicitor so we both know where we stand?

I am currently earning more than I have for a while and am starting to be able to save again - but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years... yet he is sitting pretty. I know it sounds bloody awful, but it would take a lot of stress off me and our relationship and I don't think I am being unreasonable.

But I am expecting to be told that I am..... thoughts please.

[VodselForDinner]

What happens if he dies tomorrow? Who gets the house?

His children, hopefully.

[BigFatLiar]

There was a similar thread here recently only it was a woman with property wanting to fence it off from her partner. Advice was generally ring fence and don't let him near it in case of divorce or death.

You need to have a word with him about your future, not just in case of divorce/separation but what would happen if he dies, Would you be able to stay in the house? It may be time to start saving for yourself but divorce/separation is not the only thing to consider.

[PegasusReturns]

What on Earth are you spending your money on and why can’t you put aside money for yourself?!

[Chewbecca]

I think you need to take care of the situation yourself and build up a pot of savings and pension.

[Askingforfriend]

If you are paying at all towards the purchase of the house e.g. part of the mortgage payment or he is paying the mortgage and you are paying more of the bills, then I think you are being reasonable.

Honestly, the least complicated way of dealing with this is not living in that home and living in one that is jointly yours (either rent or buy)

[GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam]

@meditrina

Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations

It rather sounds as if she wants him to agree to give her £12k just before she tells him she's off.

Only she can tell if he's so gullible he would do this. OP might be better establishing if she can recover any money she put into home improvements or can sell any items she bought.

This

You considered your options then stayed? If you were named on the property would you have considered your options then asked for half? I can see why he might be cautious given his last partner took a chunk.

[NoSquirrels]

OK, having read that thread from 2018 the issue is your DP doesn’t respect you.
It still doesn’t excuse you thinking he should pay you for every year of the relationship. But I understand.

Your DC are now adults. Time to get them to pay their way or move out. Time to take a stand on what you can do yourself - not involving him - to secure your future.

[katy1213]

Sounds to me like you've had a free ride so far if all you're doing is paying your share of the bills. He doesn't owe you anything. You're not married - you've no children together - you're an an adult woman. There's no such thing as 'palimony' just because you've been foolish.His house has trebled in value; your cushions might fetch a fiver at the charity shop - and you don't seem to have contributed anything solid. You need to look at ways of making yourself independent - not drawing up some kind of paid-for FWB scheme at £1000pa. What does that make you? And a very unsuccessful one at that!

[LannieDuck]

Save the money you would otherwise be paying in rent, build up enough for a deposit and find a small flat to buy and let out.

...unless you're not working and you're effectively a SAHP? In which case, he does have some moral obligation to consider your financial position as well as his own.

[Northernparent68]

You want your partner to subsidise you and he’s not prepared to. You can accept the situation or leave.

[AssvogelA]

So on top of the £600 in the joint account you pay for your own car and food.

Where is the rest of your monthly pay going? You're living very cheaply, have you managed to put some £ away?

How much has your ex paid in child maintenance over the last 12 years? It's him that is responsible for contributing to your children's housing.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I don’t think you realise how good you’ve got it op. You may not have financial security, but that’s through the choices you made, not him. You’ve found a man that has willingly put a roof over you and your children’s head, and covers enough of your living expenses that you can spend most of your money on the children that aren’t his

This ^^

[dopenguinsdance]

If you're not planning on splitting up and you're genuinely worried about your future security, the question you should be asking him is 'what happens to me if something - god forbid- happens to you?', isn't it?
Has he made a will or, come to that, have you? As things stand with no will the house will go to his next of kin, not you, and you have no right to stay in it. He might or might not realise that's the case and he can't rely on the goodwill of his relations to 'do the right thing' by you. They may be horrible people and not care about you being made homeless. They might have some genuine and pressing need for the house or capital.
Time to have that conversation.

[Hankunamatata]

Yabu

Why haven't you sorted something so that you are financially secure? Your only paying 50% bills yet u have kids living there too. I think you have been sitting pretty

[AssvogelA]

Having read the previous threads it sounds like op and DP don't get on great, and he has told her she's free to leave if she's not happy, but op only earns £20k a year, and wouldn't be able to afford to house them.

Op, I think your best bet would be:

Get yourself on local council/HA housing lists.
Look for a job that pays over £20k.
Get rid of the car on finance and get a standard 2nd hand car for a couple of grand.
Start charging your 18yo the going rate for board.
Look into how much in tax credits/universal credit you would be entitled to if you moved out.

[wusbanker]

So you've been living rent free in his house for 12 years and think he should give you £12k if you break up?

You should have been saving for your own property to rent out as your own financial security, it sounds like he is being more than reasonable.

[MizzyFizz]

Sorry to say it but you are screwed. The thousand pound a year thing, not going to happen.

You have basically been "staying with a friend" for twelve years. Paying part of the bills in lieu of rent/mortgage. By doing so, you have helped him secure his nest egg but I doubt he sees it that way and it won't leave you entitled to any of it seeing as you were not technically paying into the equity. If you had been married it may have been different but you were not, probably because he didn't want to risk it.

He has been burned before and you will very likely get nothing out of him.

In fact if you start asking him for money in the circumstance of you breaking up, you will most likely facilitate that break up.

He will possibly be tarring you with his ex wife's brush, which is unfair on you but it does happen and, to be honest, looks like it's already been informing his behaviour going by what you've stated.

If that's what you want, go ahead but you'll probably be leaving with just your savings.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Look into how much in tax credits/universal credit you would be entitled to if you moved out.

All new claims are UC. The threshold is very low.

[BlackDaffodil]

OP you are being screwed over all over again.. you are investing in a property which ultimately benefits ONLY him. He has stitched you up like a kipper.

I would save every penny now, and leave soon. 🌸

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm gobsmacked that you're so clueless here, and you've been sleepwalking through the past 12 years of your life. Your partner has not married you or put you on the deeds very purposefully, and he will never sign anything giving you money. He will never be financially indebted to any woman, ever again, due to his divorce.

You are totally on your own here. Start a very aggressive savings plan and hope your relationship doesn't implode.

[GabsAlot]

stop paying all the bills and start saving for somewhere else-and stop buying his children things out of your own money

[BlackDaffodil]

@Aquamarine1029

I'm gobsmacked that you're so clueless here, and you've been sleepwalking through the past 12 years of your life. Your partner has not married you or put you on the deeds very purposefully, and he will never sign anything giving you money. He will never be financially indebted to any woman, ever again, due to his divorce.

You are totally on your own here. Start a very aggressive savings plan and hope your relationship doesn't implode.

too true...

get SAVING lady 🌺

[Allwokedup]

Yes you’re a bad position.

Marriage?

[DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo]

OP,


It's a tough situation and I can see why you feel in a precarious position.


In the first instance, at the very least you can & should take out a joint life insurance policy.

That's not a huge amount of cost, monthly, and will give you some form of security should he die.


For the rest - you need to assume he isn't going to change his position and do your best to create your own safety net.

[Monkeymilkshake]

Do you have your own savings? I think i’d just sort myself out and not ask him to pay £1000 a year. How did you come up with that number?
Honestly, if you want financial security, get yourself a good pension and save money. Does your ex hisband pay maintenance for the kids?
If you have child maintenance + salary you could start building up savings.