Moral Dilemma

[freerunner75]

My partner and I have been together 12 years. Both married previously, my marriage ended horrifically, my husband blew a tonne of my savings and left me in £25k debt. My partners marriage was similar, his ex left with an extremely large settlement.

We moved in together to a rented place with a view to buying something together. His marital home was sold to settle the divorce agreement, but he had one other property in his name at the time which he kept and rented out. The house we now live in - was bought at an extremely low rate from family. I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce. I pay half towards the bills and we have both designed and improved the house since we have been here - i have paid for only soft furnishings and a few bits of furniture as I earn a lot less than him and most of my money goes towards the bills and my kids. The house we live in has tripled in value since we have been here and made improvements.

So, we are not married, no mortgage together, no life insurance for each other, nothing. Together 12 years.

The whole lack of financial security is a big issue to me and has caused us endless arguments over the years. But he won't budge. Recently we had a huge bust up and I was looking into my options but they are few given my current situation and budget limitations.

Am willing to take a bashing on this - however am I being unreasonable to request for him to set aside some money for me in case our relationship does break down irretrievably so that I have a safety net? I was thinking perhaps £1000 per year for every year we have lived together - signed and agreed by both and by a solicitor so we both know where we stand?

I am currently earning more than I have for a while and am starting to be able to save again - but my biggest concern is that if we do finish.. i am out on the streets with nothing to my name despite contributing for years... yet he is sitting pretty. I know it sounds bloody awful, but it would take a lot of stress off me and our relationship and I don't think I am being unreasonable.

But I am expecting to be told that I am..... thoughts please.

[DeathStare]

So, having looked at your previous thread you work and earn about 20k. After tax, NI etc that amounts to about 1500 per month. You pay 600 in bills, which leaves you 900 to contribute towards the food (though partner pays 400 towards food a month - which is my entire food bill for 4 people), car and other items. Your DP paid for holidays. And still you were broke every month.

£900 a month spending money is HUGE. I suspect most of us don't have anywhere near that, certainly most people earning £20k a year don't. I have no idea where all your money is going but suspect this is another reason why he doesn't want to be tied to you financially. If you had saved £250 a month for the 8 years you've been living together you would have a nest egg of £24k by now.

Personally I think your DP has been overly fair and reasonable, and had also been entirely open with you. From your previous post he has also employed your (not his DC). I think asking him now for 12k because you frittered your money away and couldn't be bothered to save is incredibly cheeky, but if you want to ask then ask away. It would be entirely reasonable of him to both say no and to assume you are about to leave him and to take action accordingly.

[HTH1]

In a nutshell, DP has massively subsidised you and your kids (which you had with an ex) for 12 years. You haven’t managed to build up any savings and want to be treated as a wife who has had children with him if you break up, despite not being married or having paid towards the house.

This is called wishful thinking and I don’t see how you have any legal or even moral right to charge him money if you break up.

[Whyareblokesonhere]

Someone's gone running freely somewhere other than this thread...

[notanothertakeaway]

If you are living rent free, just paying half of utilities, council tax and food (ie paying your way, not contributing extra), then i think you're on quite a good deal. And you could take soft furnishings with you if you left

But, I suppose you are paying more pro rata

I think these threads can be a bit unpredictable. Sometimes, people in yiur situation get a lot of sympathy

[AC12theletterofthelaw]

Are you coming back OP

[wdmtthgcock]

I don't understand why you aren't able to save. You should have been saving the money you would have spent on rent to build up savings for yourself. You could have had enough for a deposit on a buy-to-let property as an investment.

Don't know why you are only thinking about this now. You've been together for years. Or do you want to leave him now and need the money to do so??

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@Northernparent68

You want your partner to subsidise you and he’s not prepared to. You can accept the situation or leave.

From the sounds of it he's been subbing her for some time.

He won't budge, quite rightly, if he's a dick to you that is a separate matter.

Again, a woman is posting to move in her boyfriend to a property she owns and everyone, quite rightly, is telling her to make sure he has no claim on the property.

This man does not have to provide you with any financial safety net. I'd laugh at anyone who tried that on me.

I had no say in this and was not given the option to be a part of it as he classes it as his 'inheritance' and is protective over the equity given what happened with his divorce.

Of course you did! You could have said no and not moved in with him and carried on seeing him not living together. That's laughable. Why should he give you a penny of it?

Best to save what you can.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@wdmtthgcock

I don't understand why you aren't able to save. You should have been saving the money you would have spent on rent to build up savings for yourself. You could have had enough for a deposit on a buy-to-let property as an investment.

Don't know why you are only thinking about this now. You've been together for years. Or do you want to leave him now and need the money to do so??

From the sounds of it she wants to leave him but wants him to front her a deposit to buy a place.

[AiryFairyMum]

Put the money you'd otherwise pay in rent to one side as your safety net.

[VodselForDinner]

No idea why MNHQ have deleted my post pointing out that the OP had stated her contribution to the house has been bits of furniture and soft furnishings and no actual capital asset contribution, in response to someone else says she’s contributed to the house hugely.

Feels like we’re going to get a “privacy concerns” deletion message soon

[LigPatin]

For all those people saying the OP has been subsidising her DP, did you even read her post?
She literally says "I pay half towards the bills".
He bought the house. She pays half the bills. No rent. No contribution to the house purchase.
How on Earth is she subsidising him?

[DarkDarkNight]

You don’t have any financial security by staying with him. I would want financial security for me and my children and if he doesn’t understand that or doesn’t care is he worth staying with? He’s been stung before but is he really expecting you will stay with him long term with no security for you and your children?

What is his attitude to marriage? It’s not even just if you split up. If he were to become seriously ill or die you would be in the same position with no security.

Wold he commit to selling the rental property and buying somewhere together with you jointly either for you to live in or rent out? If he won’t I would seriously consider moving out to either rent or buy somewhere for you and your children. I have left a relationship where my ex fully owned the house, it is an awful feeling having the rug pulled from under you and your child, having to find somewhere to rent in a hurry while the ex is getting nastier by the day. I would never get in to that situation again. If I can’t buy somewhere with a future partner I will stay renting on my own.

[Blossomtoes]

@SelkieFly

You have to get a nest and feather it. Your own nest.
If you're paying his bills how can you afford to do that.

I'd put it to him that you can no longer afford to be the one who didn't learn from their mistake. He learned! He has had you subsidising his living expenses and you have nothing to show for the last 12 years.

She’s paying half the bills. He’s subsidised her, ffs!

[mobear]

You have lived rent free for many, many years, as have your children. It's not his fault your ex partner is rubbish and that you haven't managed to save anything, and it's not his responsibility to pay for your life choices.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

The op has been given a hard time here. The partner sounds extremely stingy.
The op is expected to pay half of the cost of living for a lifestyle which is clearly way out of her budget. She also works for her partner's business for free.
A reasonable partner would split the difference in earnings to ensure op was not struggling while he has loads of spare money each month. He's clearly not a nice person. Moving out will be difficult though, with no savings at all and he seems unlikely to agree to the 12k suggestion

[TheLastLotus]

OP based on your previous posts - the underlying issue is that your partner doesn’t treat you like someone in an LTR. Just a woman he lives with who pays half the bills.
It’s very unusual for one half of a couple to be constantly broke. And if you’re committed someone’s kids are part of the package.

Although you’re not wrong for wanting security GIVEN your past posts he doesn’t want to give it to you and has made it clear. He’s not really at fault here. Make a plan to build your own nest egg

[AgathaAllAlong]

If I were him I'd think you were taking me for a mug and planning to break up with me in the next few years, expecting me to pay for the privilege.

If you pay no rent or mortgage to him and did not pay for renovation then of course he owes you nothing. Why would he? He's paid for everything. You can keep the soft furnishings. Everyone pays bills whether they own a house or not.

[mobear]

@SnackSizeRaisin She isn't paying half the cost as she isn't paying mortgage or rent, which is most people's biggest outlay. I also didn't see her say anywhere she's being expected to live a lifestyle "clearly way out of her budget" unless she has said that on another thread.

[musingloud]

£600 a month for bills is huge! He must surely be making a profit from that! Which makes it sound like she is subsidising him.

If he is not going to give her any stake in the home he can't expect her to pay towards the mortgage.

The biggest problem that if he is prepared to leave her at financial risk if he leaves/ dies he just doesn't care that much about her. It says a lot about him that he has secured his future but not hers.

Some of the replies on here about stating or implying that OP is the one benefiting from him are way out of line and failing to understand the real dynamic here. He clearly enjoys and benefits from OP living with him or he would not have her living there but he wants to retain all the security and power of that relationship to himself. That is not a healthy thing to do. He is certainly not the generous man being taken advantage of that some are portraying here. He knows exactly what he is doing and that that it suits him, and him alone. And he doesn't really care about the position it puts OP in. Jeez, what sort of person lives with someone but maintains the privilege of kicking them out to nothing whenever it suits him?

OP I would stop contributing to bills (other than my food) and tell him that its because I needed to build up security for myself in case he left/ died.

[KrisAkabusi]

18:55SnackSizeRaisin

The op has been given a hard time here. The partner sounds extremely stingy.

How is he being stingy? He's paying all the mortgage, half the bills, and from previous comments, all the holidays and 400 a month towards the food bills. Which includes feeding two adults that aren't his kids! And you say he's clearly not a nice person. I don't see how you can reach that conclusion.

[Fixitup2]

@musingloud £600 for 3 people’s bills and food is not a lot at all.

[Supersimkin2]

Who does the housework?

[TatianaBis]

The only money you could potentially ask for would be your contribution to the interior - if you had bills to prove it.