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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

176 replies

CP24miles · 07/05/2021 17:01

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

OP posts:
TooOldandTired · 08/05/2021 11:19

The more you write the more your husband just sounds like a dick. Your kids can play music or make noise around him, how miserable. Your mum sounds great. I couldn't be married to someone who was so rude about my mum. My mum drives my DH mad sometimes but he puts up with it and will say how good they are looking after the kids.

SionnachGlic · 08/05/2021 11:22

'He hasn't got any friends.

Not one.'

OP, this is very telling. Something quite wrong there.

Embroideredstars · 08/05/2021 11:22

NEVER give up your job op!

Embroideredstars · 08/05/2021 11:26

@TooOldandTired

The more you write the more your husband just sounds like a dick. Your kids can play music or make noise around him, how miserable. Your mum sounds great. I couldn't be married to someone who was so rude about my mum. My mum drives my DH mad sometimes but he puts up with it and will say how good they are looking after the kids.
Same here, DH finds my mum loud and overbearing but is grateful for free childcare when it happens and always encourages me to see her/have her over when I need her. Sadly she's far away so not often.

He is in an introvert who like is own company too and has been quite happy over lockdown not seeing many folks but this doesn't impact mine or our DC's relationships with other friends and family.

Hiphopopotamus · 08/05/2021 11:49

Why would you stay with someone that you feel this way about? Is this really how you want to live your life?

Ellie56 · 08/05/2021 11:51

I think you and your kids would be much happier living apart from this joyless knobhead.

I0NA · 08/05/2021 11:56

@DeathStare

So just to summarise: He is rude to his own mother to the point it upsets her (and I assume unapologetic) and this wasn't an unusual situation. He dislikes your mother and is rude to her (returning gifts). He insists on micro managing what your mother does with the children when they are with her. He creates obstacles to your mother looking after the children in the house and refuses to budge even when the obstacles could be overcome and he knows this is upsetting you. He wants you to change your behaviour and to lose your own annual leave to accommodate for his demands. He wants you to give up a job you enjoy. He is willing to sacrifice family time away in order to ensure there are obstacles to your mother being able to come into the house. He creates an atmosphere in your home where the children are scared to have fun. He has no friends.

That's a lot of red flags you're ignoring OP

Excellent summary.
HaveringWavering · 08/05/2021 12:17

I’m sorry if others have suggested this, as I have only read your posts and skim read some others.
While you need to give serious thought to the relationship as a whole, for a short term solution/test, could you get your Mum to agree to tidy up (or at least clear up the worst of the mess) before he gets home? In other words, if his only stated reason is mess, get rid of that and see what happens next. Then whatever reason he comes up with next will be shown up for the selfish bullshit that it is.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 08/05/2021 12:22

You'd think he'd be happier for the kids to spend time with their grandmother when he's not there and doesn't have to be subjected to her extrovert personality. Unless you never see each other socially, only for babysitting?

twilightermummy · 08/05/2021 12:31

I wouldn’t (and didn’t) let a man treat my mum like this. He truly sounds awful.

RandomLondoner · 08/05/2021 12:36

Why couldn't he just be a shit and be controlling without there being a need to be on the Autistic Spectrum or have Aspergers???

Is anyone who is distressed by mess and noise "shit and controlling" because they want their family not to make them miserable?

Are they doing it because they just get some sort of joy out of being pointlessly evil, or are they doing it because the behaviour they're trying to stop causes them unbearable misery?

Do you believe people should just put up with extreme misery because some other people wouldn't mind the things that make them miserable?

If he did have a diagnosis that explained this, and he was your partner, would you think the diagnosis meant you had to adjust more to him, or would you think the opposite: the diagnosis means he's defective therefore you are fully justified in carrying on with the "normal behaviour" that distresses him? (It seems many in the thread would be in the latter camp, his needs are not valid if they're not normal.)

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 08/05/2021 12:51

I imagine from how you've described your mum & her relationships, that your own childhood was a bit chaotic.

It's really easy when you've grown up like this to search for something that's the opposite in your own relationships. We look for secure, calm, committed.

But due to our lack of role models & disordered thinking on this subject, what we can see is what someone is not, rather than what they are. We don't see controlling, we see not chaotic, we don't see dominating we see dependable etc.

I think counselling might help you unpick why you are allowing yourself & children to be isolated from your extended family, living on eggshells and kowtowing to unreasonable demands.

Branleuse · 08/05/2021 12:56

I honestly cant imagine letting a man or anyone treat my mum like this. I hope to god none of my kids ever get with someone that tries to alienate me like this. Its not as if the mother is abusive. You need to have some loyalty to your mum. She is human and has feelings too, and shes the one that would be there for you if the shit hit the fan (unless theres some massive backstory obviously)

Id no sooner stay with someone who hated my mum than i would if they hated my child, or hated me.
Im not particularly close to my DPs parents and theyre not my kind of people, but I still encourage the relationship with the children and with dp

Alwaysandforeverhere · 08/05/2021 12:58

The children shouldn’t be tip toeing around him.

But I get the not wanting people in the house making a mess. Hell I get not wanting others in the house even without the mess.

Your dh and dm are very very different people as you can clearly see. I’m not sure a good relationship would ever come out of the two. He doesn’t want her messy loud self in the house and she moved in any odd random new bf so the grandchildren can’t go there it’s kind of a lose lose between the two. Just because dm is more fun doesn’t make her the better person either.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 08/05/2021 13:09

Do you believe people should just put up with extreme misery because some other people wouldn't mind the things that make them miserable?

If he did have a diagnosis that explained this, and he was your partner, would you think the diagnosis meant you had to adjust more to him, or would you think the opposite: the diagnosis means he's defective therefore you are fully justified in carrying on with the "normal behaviour" that distresses him? (It seems many in the thread would be in the latter camp, his needs are not valid if they're not normal.)

When you are a parent, your children's needs should come first.

Also having a disorder is not a green ticket to mentally abuse your partner.

Original poster
CP24miles · 08/05/2021 13:13

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I imagine from how you've described your mum & her relationships, that your own childhood was a bit chaotic.

It's really easy when you've grown up like this to search for something that's the opposite in your own relationships. We look for secure, calm, committed.

But due to our lack of role models & disordered thinking on this subject, what we can see is what someone is not, rather than what they are. We don't see controlling, we see not chaotic, we don't see dominating we see dependable etc.

I think counselling might help you unpick why you are allowing yourself & children to be isolated from your extended family, living on eggshells and kowtowing to unreasonable demands.

My childhood was extremely chaotic. Parents divorced when I was 3, and I actually lived with my Dad until I was 13 and then lived with my mum until 19 then I moved out.

My dad had a long relationship with my ex step mum but their relationship was awful, constant rows, they both were physical too, they drunk a lot on weekends,always ended in a row, and often would come home to my dad being chucked out and having to sleep in the shed 😅 I laugh about it now but it's pretty fucking tragic.

My mum remarried and I ended up being arrested for hitting my ex step father, sounds bad when I write it down but previous to this I had witnessed him and my mum fighting, and he punched me on the face, got arrested, and let off.

Needless to say, my view on relationships is shit.

But, I seek social interaction a lot, one of the things I enjoy most is hosting parties, brunches, play dates etc. Its just something I've always liked doing. I love being around people, my DH is the opposite

When we were younger and DC-free this wasn't such a problem as I would go out a lot and come home to him, now we are older and have DC I don't want to go out partying but would like to host things in my home. I feel quite restricted with this.

I have a lot of childhood trauma and I had counselling and therapy after DC2 to help unpick it, and I opened up to DH about my childhood and I kind of feel like he uses it as more fuel to the fire about my parents.

There's no two ways about it, both my parents fucked up mine and by brothers childhood, but childhood aside, they have both made an effort to try and repair damage. I know if I clicked my fingers and said mum I need you to be here NOW - she would be here no questions asked, every time. Same with my dad.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 08/05/2021 13:24

What’s his issue with taking your dd to McDonald’s occasionally, is it McDonald’s or is it because your mother is doing it?

2/3 times a month is more than “occasionally” that’s every week or every other week.

MadinMarch · 08/05/2021 13:24

Is he trying to isolate you and DCs from your friends and family? Because that would be a red flag. She's your mum. Him being unpleasant to her for no apparent reason doesn't sound very nice to me.
This is what i get from the op too.
I feel sorry for your mum being told so often what she can't do with her grandchildren, and she sounds very long suffering.
Tell your husband you'll invite her over for the day one weekend soon so she can spend some quality time with you and the kids. If he complains, tell him to go out for the day.
And make sure you keep in contact with all your other friends and family.

Mulhollandmagoo · 08/05/2021 13:39

And he's not generally easy going with other people, particularly my family and friends

This made me a little uneasy to be honest, and then further down when I read he's asked you on more than one occasion to leave your job, it's as if he's trying to isolate you, and he knows your mum is an easy target. He'll be increasingly impatient as you're not knuckling under.

Is this a marriage you want to be in? Your children will live thinking this is normal so in your position is consider my future

RandomMess · 08/05/2021 13:50

It sounds like opening up to him about your childhood has given him ammunition to isolate you from your parents rather than seeing how hard they have both worked at changing and to be good grandparents.

You are grounded and sensible and ensure they see the DC safely in your home without new partners etc.

The whole not being allowed to be sociable in your own home completely sucks.

HappyGoPlucky · 08/05/2021 14:12

If my DH said he hated my mum I honestly think I'd kick him out. My sister is massively extroverted and my DH is not fond but he tries to hide it and keeps it to himself. Occasionally rolls his eyes but that's about it.

If my DH tried to stop my kids seeing my mum, and professed to hate her, based on the fact she was very outgoing, I honestly couldn't see a future. Because that's just controlling and deeply unpleasant & I'd not want to be married to someone like that. It's disrespecting your close family relationships too - you mum ffs. He sounds awful. Sad

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2021 14:15

I get not wanting to be around people. I really do. I’m an introvert. Having children is challenging for introverts because it is difficult to have alone time and recharge your batteries.

But your husband is a whole different level. This is no way to live. There’s a whole world of difference between needing some quiet time to living like village hermits and being punished for not toeing the line.

Please tell me what joy he brings to your family’s lives beyond being what sounds like a good provider. The image I’m getting is of a person, whose mood fills the room and your children are expected to cow tow to his moods.

They won’t be children forever. And they may not thank you when you’re an adult for putting them through this. Your parents are very lucky to have such a forgiving daughter. Your dcs may not be so forgiving.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2021 14:29

What if one of your kids ends up being naturally extroverted? Will he hate them too? Will he want them to hold their tongue, bite their lip and squash that bit of their personality down because his needs are more important than theirs?

StrangeLookingParasite · 08/05/2021 15:04

Its just something I've always liked doing. I love being around people, my DH is the opposite

I think there's also a fundamental incompatibility there, which would be fine if everyone compromised, but it seems to be all down to you.

RandomMess · 08/05/2021 15:14

My DH is an introvert with social anxiety.

He would quite happily tidy up if I had a bunch of people around if it saved him having to be sociable! He also compromises and is sociable to others for me and in return I am selective about when/how/who I ask him to be sociable.