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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

176 replies

CP24miles · 07/05/2021 17:01

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 07/05/2021 20:02

Surprised your mum is still offering childcare to be honest. I'd have retracted my offer a long time ago.

What do your friends think of your DH? (That is if he hasn't managed to isolate you from all your friends!)

What does your family make of all this? Surely you DM knows how he feels?

bullyingadvice2017 · 07/05/2021 20:11

He sounds like a joy vampire.

RandomMess · 07/05/2021 20:12

@CombatBarbie that certainly sounds like a more fun holiday.

I assume you working is a stick he beats you with as it means he has to step up with housework and the DC?

WhySoSensitive · 07/05/2021 20:13

No she never has. She’s never left alone either and un till they’re much older I doubt they ever will be.
Then again - as I said I have more reasons to our negative relationship than what’s in this thread.

I don’t think your DH is unreasonable to not want her looking after them but I do think his excuse about the house being messy (unless it is a ridiculous mess!) is a bit far fetched. Mess is a part of childcare whoever looks after them!!

waitingforthenextseason · 07/05/2021 20:13

Tell him that you are going on holiday with or without him this summer, and if he uses up his AL over a few toys on the floor, than he's a fool and putting your marriage into jeopardy with his behaviour.

You'd be a fool to quite your job which he's pressuring you to do. Your marriage doesn't sound like it has legs.

ANiceBathPlease · 07/05/2021 20:20

Your mum sounds like a nightmare tbf. Having a key to your house and letting herself in? Making a mess? MacDonald's? This would do my head in.

Cariad90 · 07/05/2021 20:22

Not trying to diagnose here, but his being stressed by music, loud and extroverted people, and mess, as well as not having any friends is making me think of Asperger's syndrome. Perhaps a leap, but have you ever looked into this?

LookItsMeAgain · 07/05/2021 20:31

@Cariad90

Not trying to diagnose here, but his being stressed by music, loud and extroverted people, and mess, as well as not having any friends is making me think of Asperger's syndrome. Perhaps a leap, but have you ever looked into this?
Ding! Ding! Ding! BINGO!!!

Got to 108 messages before autism/autistic spectrum/Asperger's got a mention but it's there.

Why couldn't he just be a shit and be controlling without there being a need to be on the Autistic Spectrum or have Aspergers???

I'd let him take the day off @CP24miles and as others have suggested, when you are going on your summer holidays, go away with the kids and your mother.

Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 20:33

@ANiceBathPlease

Your mum sounds like a nightmare tbf. Having a key to your house and letting herself in? Making a mess? MacDonald's? This would do my head in.
She used to do a lot of childcare when I first qualified and had to work full time

Of course she had a key she was looking after my child, do they have to wait on the doorstep for me or DH to come home to get in?

OP posts:
Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 20:34

@Cariad90

Not trying to diagnose here, but his being stressed by music, loud and extroverted people, and mess, as well as not having any friends is making me think of Asperger's syndrome. Perhaps a leap, but have you ever looked into this?
Thanks for your reply but he definitely doesn't have Asperger's or anything on the spectrum

He's just a nob

OP posts:
Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 20:37

[quote RandomMess]@CombatBarbie that certainly sounds like a more fun holiday.

I assume you working is a stick he beats you with as it means he has to step up with housework and the DC?[/quote]
He has certainly asked me to quit a few times , he earns enough for me to not work.

But I think him doing a lot of childcare and primary responsibilities during the pandemic and me working a bit more due to being frontline , has stressed him out a bit and he asked me to quit even during the pandemic!!! When he was at home!!!

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 07/05/2021 20:39

And he's not generally easy going with other people, particularly my family and friends.

So he really seems to want to isolate you from everyone. Please don't ever give up your job, no matter what he says to you.
He sounds like a controlling shitweasel, frankly.

Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 20:40

@StrangeLookingParasite

And he's not generally easy going with other people, particularly my family and friends.

So he really seems to want to isolate you from everyone. Please don't ever give up your job, no matter what he says to you.
He sounds like a controlling shitweasel, frankly.

Yes I kind of agree with you and I kind of felt this way for a while,but he has no real problem with me seeing my friends/family OUTSIDE of the home

He does seem to have an issue with them being at our home tho?

OP posts:
ApplyWithin · 07/05/2021 20:42

Disappointed. I thought this was going to be a Friday night anal sex thread.

Brunts12 · 07/05/2021 20:44

@CP24miles
He's often rude to his own mother ! She once said to me when he had a go at her about something, he was out of earshot, and she said "sometimes I just want to tell him to fuck off - what do you say when he talks to you like his?" (And she's not one to swear!) I wanted to cry and breakdown in front of her , I held it together tho

I remember your previous thread where you wrote about this. Can’t quite remember what it was about. Was it him giving you the silent treatment? Either way, he didn’t come across as a nice person.
I would seriously reconsider your relationship.

RandomMess · 07/05/2021 20:46

He wants you at home doing it all see he can work and do whatever it is he likes doing. Almost as if you were a domestic appliance.

Mellonsprite · 07/05/2021 20:49

Oh dear, at first I thought your poor mum, but with every update I’m afraid he comes across as quite unpleasant and controlling. Ensure you keep touch with all your friends, definitely don’t stop your mum coming around and don’t give up work!!

LizzieW1969 · 07/05/2021 20:56

Oh dear, at first I thought your poor mum, but with every update I’m afraid he comes across as quite unpleasant and controlling. Ensure you keep touch with all your friends, definitely don’t stop your mum coming around and don’t give up work!!*

^This in spades IMO.

GammyLeg · 07/05/2021 20:59

It sounds like you’d all be happier if you and he lived in separate homes. Family life isn’t for him.

Cariad90 · 07/05/2021 21:00

@CP24miles oh dear, so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It doesn't sound pleasant for you, your mum, or your kids. I can't offer any new advice that others haven't already offered. I really hope you find a solution x

mogtheexcellent · 07/05/2021 21:02

It doesn't sound much like a home to me tbh. What happens when your kids are older and want to have friends over?

He sounds like a nob.

GettingItOutThere · 07/05/2021 21:44

he is a nob!

so he hates your mum?
has no friends?
is controlling?

does he have any nice qualities?

You have a huge DH problem, you need to stand up to him and tell him to get over himself. If you ever split, who will have the kids then on your time - your mum!
he is a nob

Lovesacake · 07/05/2021 23:32

Why are you with him when you don’t seem to like him at all??

victoriaspongecake · 08/05/2021 01:11

He sounds like an ungrateful arse who is very controlling.

DeathStare · 08/05/2021 08:31

So just to summarise:
He is rude to his own mother to the point it upsets her (and I assume unapologetic) and this wasn't an unusual situation.
He dislikes your mother and is rude to her (returning gifts).
He insists on micro managing what your mother does with the children when they are with her.
He creates obstacles to your mother looking after the children in the house and refuses to budge even when the obstacles could be overcome and he knows this is upsetting you.
He wants you to change your behaviour and to lose your own annual leave to accommodate for his demands.
He wants you to give up a job you enjoy.
He is willing to sacrifice family time away in order to ensure there are obstacles to your mother being able to come into the house.
He creates an atmosphere in your home where the children are scared to have fun.
He has no friends.

That's a lot of red flags you're ignoring OP