Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

176 replies

CP24miles · 07/05/2021 17:01

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 07/05/2021 19:09

Make plans to leave before your kids lose even more of the joy of their childhood and before he completely isolates you from your friends and family.

cansu · 07/05/2021 19:14

I would not give in to this. I think if you do you are enabling this behaviour and making it seem reasonable. I would make a point of inviting your mum round regularly. If he doesn't like it he can go out and entertain himself elsewhere. You are essentially living by his rules. Who made him King of the World??

Sally2791 · 07/05/2021 19:15

He sounds like he would be happy living alone in a very tidy house.

Chloemol · 07/05/2021 19:19

I would let him take his day off. But I would also book the days away and he wont be able to go

So go with your mother instead and leave him at home

Hagqueen · 07/05/2021 19:21

He sounds like a dick, and I don’t get anyone who says otherwise after your last few posts.

I personally could not trust a person who literally zero friends and his own children and mother think he is being a dick.

feelingfree17 · 07/05/2021 19:22

Start by standing up to him.
Why should your children miss out on a loving, fun grandmother because he can’t handle it.
He sounds like he has major issues.

Atalune · 07/05/2021 19:22

He doesn’t sound like a good guy TBH.

Kids can’t be loud and have fun around him?? He has no mates?? His own mother bas mouthed him?

It’s not looking good.

Devlesko · 07/05/2021 19:25

You and your children deserve better, poor kids.
How can you stay with such a horrorible man

Youmakemewannashout · 07/05/2021 19:29

It seems to me that your DH is jealous of the close relationship your children have with your mum. During Lockdown he was looking after the kids and did everything his way but now that things are easing he doesn’t want to hand over control in any way, shape or form to another person. The fact that your mum already irritates him makes things worse however, children can have a great time without leaving a mess behind them every time... maybe it’s time to encourage a tidy up time at the end of each activity?

Dumbo18 · 07/05/2021 19:32

My mother in law has my child every Wednesday and every week I come home to a messy house but a very happy toddler who tells me what a great time he’s had with nanny. Plus she saves me about £250 a month so I wouldn’t expect her to tidy my house. He needs to get a grip. Let him take his leave so you don’t have to spend it with him

Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 19:33

Further conversation with DH that it literally is about the mess. He would be on an early shift on this particular day, "coming home to a mess"

So the question is, if he would be on a late shift in the future when we need childcare would he come up with an excuse for her not to look after them?

He would've run out of Annual leave by then

He said he doesn't need to explain himself, he doesn't want to come home to a mess and have to tidy up after being on an early shift. He then asked ME to take annual leave that week instead, therefore negating the need for childcare altogether that day. I said no.

We are talking about ONE fucking day.

If he used his annual leave it's going to mean we can't go away in the summer.

I could use a day AL myself, but I just feel pissed off now.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 07/05/2021 19:38

You do have a problem and it is not with an introvert even his own mother and your children tiptoe around him. Stop it all of you. Do people avoid him in his workplace, he sounds like hell to work with never mind live with.

I would suggest you talk to a professional, GP or counsellor yourself abouthim, they have heard it all and learn to be more assertive, you are being bullied.

RainbowBriteUk · 07/05/2021 19:40

OP, your mum sounds an absolute delight and a fantastic granny. Does she know your DH dislikes her so much? Was she devastated when you gave the gnome back? Your DH actually sounds like a controlling prick. A real fun vacuum.

LannieDuck · 07/05/2021 19:41

Why would you use your A/L when your Mum's prepared to do the childcare? That's ridiculous.

Mrsmadevans · 07/05/2021 19:43

Fucking hell OP. l am so sorry, he rules you all with a rod of iron!
How on earth can you stand him!

WhySoSensitive · 07/05/2021 19:46

I don’t have any friends. I openly dislike my mother in law. (Admittedly for some of the reasons you’ve stayed but also many more awful reasons). I wouldn’t want my MIL looking after my children and would prefer to take AL.
Does that mean my husband should leave me? According to mums net it does.

JudgeJ · 07/05/2021 19:46

@Merryoldgoat

Why doesn’t he like her? Seems fairly extreme.
Surely disliking one's MIL is the default setting on MN, except it's usually the woman who dislikes his mother and no-one considers that to be extreme!
Allwokedup · 07/05/2021 19:48

@CP24miles gosh op. Are you not just exhausted?

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2021 19:48

I don’t understand this, you clearly can’t stand your husband, and yet your big focus is on you going on holiday together.

The mind boggles.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/05/2021 19:51

Are you happy with him pushing your mum out of the picture? He sounds like a controlling twat. A bit of mess is nothing compared to free childcare from a loving grandma that wants to spoil and play with the kids. Sorry but if he were my partner I’d be expecting him to get help or leaving him. It’s not normal to be obsessed with a clean house. He sounds nasty. Does he have any friends or just you?

GabsAlot · 07/05/2021 19:55

why are you with someone whose own mother says why do does he talk like that and doesnt seem to like him

the kids cant have fun/be loud unless hes not there-so basically they havent had fin for a year?

KarmaStar · 07/05/2021 19:57

I would not let anyone treat my mum like this.you used the term "use" for your mum which says a lot.
You've thrown a lot back in her face,comics,visits to McDonald's,a gnome,they are your children too!why are you allowing him to dictate like this?your poor mum.
I would be chucking him out.You only get one mum.
So you,your mum,your dc are all seeing less of each other to keep him happy?
This is no way to live.

RandomMess · 07/05/2021 20:00

Do your DC ever get to see your Mum?

It sounds pretty miserable. He won't suck up having to tidy up the mess on one day so you can have a family holiday?

Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 20:00

@WhySoSensitive

I don’t have any friends. I openly dislike my mother in law. (Admittedly for some of the reasons you’ve stayed but also many more awful reasons). I wouldn’t want my MIL looking after my children and would prefer to take AL. Does that mean my husband should leave me? According to mums net it does.
Do you let your MIL look after them? If so I would be exploring the reason why not

My mum has looked after the children before, she has, quite recently , picked the DCs up from DH and taken them to the beach

He obviously doesn't fear for their safety with her

He just doesn't like being around her himself, or , doesn't like cleaning up after a day of free childcare

He would never pay for childcare as he could afford for me not to work. I work for a passion not for money. He has asked me several times to quit which obviously I haven't

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 07/05/2021 20:01

Sod that, let him use his leave and then take your mum with you on the break.

Swipe left for the next trending thread