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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

176 replies

CP24miles · 07/05/2021 17:01

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 08/05/2021 08:38

@GammyLeg

It sounds like you’d all be happier if you and he lived in separate homes. Family life isn’t for him.
God, yes. Agree with this!

The image of your kids having to tiptoe around and not make messes is giving me the chills, dramatic as it sounds. I had to put up with this as a child too. It's a horrible way to grow up.

OP I'm sorry but honestly, your children will only get one childhood, and this negativity of his is contributing to their development as people. It would be a lot happier all round if your husband has a separate place to live where he can keep it as tidy and quiet as he wishes while everyone else - you, his kids, his mum, your mum - can get on with living joyously and positively.

Trisolaris · 08/05/2021 08:52

Another one who remembers your previous thread about him - the detail about how he speaks to his own mother is quite specific.

You know he is a sulky, abusive, controlling manchild.

TheLastLotus · 08/05/2021 09:24

Not one to LTB but what benefit is there to being married to this twat apart from him earning a good salary?

AllDoneIn · 08/05/2021 09:28

He sounds utterly horrible OP.

Branleuse · 08/05/2021 09:29

@WhySoSensitive

I don’t have any friends. I openly dislike my mother in law. (Admittedly for some of the reasons you’ve stayed but also many more awful reasons). I wouldn’t want my MIL looking after my children and would prefer to take AL. Does that mean my husband should leave me? According to mums net it does.
Maybe. Who knows?
Branleuse · 08/05/2021 09:32

Honestly I think he sounds intolerable. I cant imagine you and your children being happy into old age with this openly nasty grumpy man.
He has no right to alienate his wife and children from their loving extended family on his say so. He cant get on with anyone, that will likely include his own kids and their friends later.
Are you allowed to have friends round?

ElphabaTWitch · 08/05/2021 09:45

Does he have issues with his own mum/family? I think that’s actually the issue here and not really much to do with your mum. He has something else going on I think.

Clutterbugsmum · 08/05/2021 09:59

I think you have a mixture of two problem.

  1. By what you have written your mother has poor judgement to having relationship and that probably means you have not learnt what a good relationship looks like. So you have ended up in a controlling relationship with a man who is not emotional available to you and your children.
  1. For what ever reason your husband does not know what a loving relationship looks like and so is trying to control both you, dc and his environment.

It's not going to get any better, the more you give up of yours and your DC life the more he will want to take.

You need to decide if this is what you want your life to be for next 20,30 or 40 years. Your children may not want to see you and him once they are adults. They have already learnt that they need to quite and tidy when he's around. They know they are not allowed to have fun when he's around.

Corneliusmurphy · 08/05/2021 10:08

He sounds so much like my sister’s ex husband, I don’t think I realised how tense the kids were until they finally broke up and he wasn’t there micromanaging them. Such a control freak, genuinely screamed at my niece as she hadn’t emptied the dishwasher immediately when asked. Silent treatment and sulks for days when he didn’t get his way.
Unlike your h he was good at turning on the charm for guests and we didn’t realise the extent of it for a long time. My sister thought she was doing the best thing trying to maintain a family and then there was always another reason to delay it, exams etc and she also thought she was doing enough to shield the kids from it.
She was totally wrong on that score as they knew everything and dnephew actually asked her to end the marriage (they were teens when it reached a breaking point) exbil has had nothing to do with them since, randomly bumped into one of the dc last year and in a five minute conversation still managed to get in digs about all of them.
They have all been so much better off without him.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 08/05/2021 10:15

OP look at this from an outsiders perspective.

He is controlling. Wants you to give up your job and be financially dependent on him. Controlling about the house, who comes in, mess, gnome, etc

Doesn't want your mother in the house, looking after kids, doesn't like her giving them presents and seems to be trying to limit her influence on them and openly admits he hates her. Refuses to pay for childcare by an outsider.

Kids have to tiptoe round him and not make any noise or mess. Children are now commenting on this and are clearly aware its not normal. Are they allowed friends round?

Has no friends of his own. (Can't think why!)

Why the fuck are you accepting this? Good god woman, have some self respect because he clearly doesn't have any for you!

What a miserable way to live.

Iwonder08 · 08/05/2021 10:33

I would hate if my spouse would force his parent on me and gave them the key to my house. The way you talk about your husband sounds very annoyed, disrespectful and generally not nice. Why are you still married if you dislike the guy so much?

Mzy123 · 08/05/2021 10:36

I'm really not surprised he has no friends. Let him use his annual leave. He sounds a pain who has little or no respect for either his mum or yours. We all come across different personalities, some we gel with some less so. That's part of life but he sounds particularly hard work to be honest and your mum sounds like a lovely granny who and tries her very best. Most people would just put the gnome away rather than return it which I think is really rude.

WhatMattersMost · 08/05/2021 10:42

@CP24miles

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

Okay.

It has become very clear over the course of your thread that this is not about the babysitting, or about your Mum, or indeed about one single incident where you want to tell your DH to shove it.

This is about your DH being abusive and an all-round repugnant human being.

How about you start making plans to tell him to shove it permanently?

WhatMattersMost · 08/05/2021 10:43

Also, look at the pattern between your mother choosing unsuitable partners, and you doing the same.

No wonder he hates her. He recognises himself in her boyfriends, and you in her.

Mix56 · 08/05/2021 10:44

Line up all this, plus the kids having to keep quiet... it sounds like you are on a leash. It has to be "his way", but it is your home too, it should be live & let live. He can either clear up, or leave it & you will do it.
Its a home not a hospital.
Free child care from a loving family member is Gold, & apparently better for them than when he does it, if they are not allowed to cook, paint, sing....
If he wants to waste his holiday on this, what happens when there is no more?
I'd tell him you'll be going on holiday with your Mum in the summer he can stay at home in his gilded prison, as he won't have any holiday left.

Lollypop701 · 08/05/2021 10:49

Sounds like an introvert who uses all his people tolerance at work and needs solitude at home. Plus ocd on tidy/clean front. Op what’s going to happen when your children are grown up… can they ever have friends round? What about when they have partners, will they be allowed in your home. Grandkids???? Not sure you’ll be able to ever have an extended family Christmas? Only you know why you are with him. You have to decide if you want to stay. I think he really needs some counselling to get some outside perspective

Branleuse · 08/05/2021 10:53

when your kids are adults and he doesnt like their partners on a whim, or their own kids make mess. Are you gonna sit back and accept not being allowed to have your family round then?

andivfmakes3 · 08/05/2021 10:59

Some people just don't like visitors in their space - especially when they are a totally different personality - my MIL comes over to look after DD and yes there is crap everywhere at the end of the day - every single toy we possess is dumped on the floor - carnage in every room, 10 million empty cups on every different surface ........after a long day at work then there is a massive clean and tidy up to do - so I'm sort of with your husband on this one 🤣

ChaToilLeam · 08/05/2021 11:03

He sounds like an absolute misery. This is beyond introversion.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 08/05/2021 11:10

Do you want your children to grow up to be adults with a similar power dynamic in their household?

One person doesn't like noise so everyone needs to be quiet all the time etc.?

One person is rarely expected to compromise but everyone else in the household must?

Embroideredstars · 08/05/2021 11:11

I'd say DH is being the controlling one.

When the children are at home with him does he not let them play properly because of the fuss about mess? That's more of an issue imo.

I suspect lockdown has also allowed him to control his environment a lot more and he's got used to having noone around and things how he wants it.

Obviously noone should leave their kids with people they aren't comfortable with but I suspect it's not about your mum it's more about him and his feelings about his own environment.

caitQ · 08/05/2021 11:11

Ignoring the personality clash between your OH and your DM, you don't seem to like your OH much yourself?

woofgoesthecat · 08/05/2021 11:11

I bet if your mum cleaned the house spotless before he came home, he would find something else to complain about.

Wizzbangfizz · 08/05/2021 11:15

Even reading this is making me feel suffocated. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be OP?

Embroideredstars · 08/05/2021 11:18

Btw my comments were from reading the first page, glancing over a few more shows me others as the same.

Your children won't benefit from an environment like this. Kids toys around is not mess it's learning, it's fun and it's normal. They can be tidied at the end of the day, the kids shouldn't be afraid to get them out and use them Sad

This situation is the type people that lockdown hasn't helped. You haven't been in a cocoon of cosy, happy family time, it's more of a prison with DH in charge of you all Sad

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