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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

176 replies

CP24miles · 07/05/2021 17:01

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 07/05/2021 17:47

He sounds a right pain in the arse. Just be because she's an extrovert it doesn't mean she isn't a nice person and from what you have said, she sounds like a great grannie to your kids.
No advice but he would really piss me off with his attitude especially as it's about a tidy home. You could ask you Mam to get the kids to tidy ip a bit before miserable dad gets back from work!
I feel sorry for her, she must be very hurt by his attitude

SunshineCake · 07/05/2021 17:47

Ask her to tidy up before he gets home if you want to give in to him.

Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 17:49

I can't quite grasp this as I LOVE his mum.

He's often rude to his own mother ! She once said to me when he had a go at her about something, he was out of earshot, and she said "sometimes I just want to tell him to fuck off - what do you say when he talks to you like his?" (And she's not one to swear!) I wanted to cry and breakdown in front of her , I held it together tho

OP posts:
toocold54 · 07/05/2021 17:52

I’ve put YABU as I don’t think your mum should do it when she’ll be resented for it. He should have a day off and do it and hopefully one day you’ll be without childcare and he’ll have to personally ask your mum to do it - maybe then he might not be such a dick.

toocold54 · 07/05/2021 17:53

I couldn’t be right someone who openly didn’t like my mum. Especially when she’s not done anything wrong.

Lauz841 · 07/05/2021 17:54

Since reading your updates, it’s clear that there’s more to this than the fact she leaves your house a mess. Sounds like he’s just a nasty, controlling person really. Maybe think carefully about what his redeeming qualities are that are keeping you together?

toocold54 · 07/05/2021 17:57

Since reading your updates, it’s clear that there’s more to this than the fact she leaves your house a mess. Sounds like he’s just a nasty, controlling person really. Maybe think carefully about what his redeeming qualities are that are keeping you together?

I completely agree.

I wouldn’t mind my house being a mess if I could get free childcare but this is just one of his issues. It sounds like he’s not a very nice person and I’m struggling to see what you see in him. It sounds like the entire family walk on egg shells around him.

Isthisit22 · 07/05/2021 18:00

Is there a lot more to this? How does he treat you and the kids?

HollowTalk · 07/05/2021 18:03

@katy1213

He sounds a bundle of fun on all counts. Let him use up his annual leave. Hang on to yours and book a few days away without him. Invite your mum and laugh and be loud and be make a mess! No wonder your kids love her when their dad is a joyless arse.
Exactly this. He sounds incredibly depressing.
EasterEggBelly · 07/05/2021 18:04

@katy1213

He sounds a bundle of fun on all counts. Let him use up his annual leave. Hang on to yours and book a few days away without him. Invite your mum and laugh and be loud and be make a mess! No wonder your kids love her when their dad is a joyless arse.
I agree with this. What a miserable existence for you and your poor children.
wdmtthgcock · 07/05/2021 18:04

What sort of mess is it?
Is she doing crafts with them and glitter ends up everywhere? Cooking lunch and leaving the kitchen very messy?
If it's just normal toys out kind of mess than he's overreacting but if it's full on bombsite-style mess then he's not being unreasonable.

He does sound like a prize prick though.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 07/05/2021 18:05

Your poor mum.

Why are you with this man if he treats your mum badly and makes you feel uncomfortable about harbouring a relationship with her and your children?

He sounds fucking joyless and you deserve better. He can’t love you and openly hate your mum unless you do, that’s just so disrespectful and horrible.

AliceMcK · 07/05/2021 18:07

Your DH sounds very unreasonable. He’s forcing his own personality issues onto your children if this is genuinely the reason, personally I think he sounds very controlling and you sound like your making light of this and enabling him.

He dosnt like being round people, particularly your family and friends... what’s he like with his own?

Your DCs can’t get gifts from their grandmother, ffs if he dosnt like the magazines, garden gnome, when she’s gone and the DCs have forgotten about them, they disappear, it’s not a big deal. My DCs get given shit I don’t like but it’s about what they like not me. What’s his issue with taking your dd to McDonald’s occasionally, is it McDonald’s or is it because your mother is doing it?

Basically your husband is deliberately stopping your mother from having a relationship with your children. It dosnt sound like there is any reason other than he wants to control everything. I really don’t believe it’s because he’s an introvert, my DH is an introvert and he dosnt act like this at all around extroverted people, he tunes out or makes himself scarce. He’d certainly never let our DCs miss out on things or relationships with their family members because he personally dosnt like them.

Magnificentmug12 · 07/05/2021 18:08

I wouldn’t want to come home to a messy house. I also wouldn’t take leave for it either to be honest.

She sounds full on and it must feel worse to have your partner stick up for their mummy instead of yourself. If it was the other way round the responses would be very different!

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 07/05/2021 18:08

He's often rude to his own mother ! She once said to me when he had a go at her about something, he was out of earshot, and she said "sometimes I just want to tell him to fuck off - what do you say when he talks to you like his?" (And she's not one to swear!) I wanted to cry and breakdown in front of her , I held it together tho
So that's his relationship with his own mother....

He's unreasonable about her, it's a personality thing.
(i.e. he hated her having a key to the house when she was doing regular childcare - so I got the key back, he didn't like her taking DC7 to McDonald's after school 2/3 a month - so I stopped it, he didn't like her bringing magazines round for them - so I stopped it, she once bought a gnome for the garden for the DC and he hated it - so I gave it back
He openly admits that he hates her
So now he's coming after your mother and treating her like shit

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself
And right here is his attitude towards the mother of his own children.....

I think it's about time you stood up to this bully.
He's isolating you from any real female support and also undermining you as a mother and partner/wife.
He can decide to take a day of A/L just like that yet the sorting of childcare is just left to you after he's done his bit 'babysitting' ???

MouseInCatsClaws · 07/05/2021 18:09

I couldn't be with somebody who was so nasty about my lovely mum, different personalities or not.

With your reaction to what his mum said, it seems like there is a big problem in your relationship which you are trying to resolve by yourself. That unfortunately, is not possible.

Is he somebody you could discuss this with?

AliceMcK · 07/05/2021 18:09

@CP24miles

Eldest DD often says when DH is not around that "we can be loud now" /"put music on"
Your children have to tip toe around him? This is nothing to do with him being an introvert!
CombatBarbie · 07/05/2021 18:10

What are his good qualities because it sounds like you and the kids constantly walk on eggshells

Original poster
CP24miles · 07/05/2021 18:12

@AliceMcK

Your DH sounds very unreasonable. He’s forcing his own personality issues onto your children if this is genuinely the reason, personally I think he sounds very controlling and you sound like your making light of this and enabling him.

He dosnt like being round people, particularly your family and friends... what’s he like with his own?

Your DCs can’t get gifts from their grandmother, ffs if he dosnt like the magazines, garden gnome, when she’s gone and the DCs have forgotten about them, they disappear, it’s not a big deal. My DCs get given shit I don’t like but it’s about what they like not me. What’s his issue with taking your dd to McDonald’s occasionally, is it McDonald’s or is it because your mother is doing it?

Basically your husband is deliberately stopping your mother from having a relationship with your children. It dosnt sound like there is any reason other than he wants to control everything. I really don’t believe it’s because he’s an introvert, my DH is an introvert and he dosnt act like this at all around extroverted people, he tunes out or makes himself scarce. He’d certainly never let our DCs miss out on things or relationships with their family members because he personally dosnt like them.

He hasn't got any friends.

Not one.

OP posts:
tentosix · 07/05/2021 18:13

No I'm not controlling in the slightest

You are not OP but he sure as hell is.

Stop pandering to him

Meowchickameowmeow · 07/05/2021 18:14

Do you ever have fun with him or does he suck the joy out of a room just by being in it?

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2021 18:16

Why hasn't he got any friends ? Not even mutual friends ?

Its saying something when your children know not to make noise etc round him.

OnTheHuntForAHome · 07/05/2021 18:17

Why have you put up with this so long? He sounds like a absolute bell end

imlateagain · 07/05/2021 18:18

I don't like the sound of him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2021 18:19

@MouseInCatsClaws

I couldn't be with somebody who was so nasty about my lovely mum, different personalities or not.

With your reaction to what his mum said, it seems like there is a big problem in your relationship which you are trying to resolve by yourself. That unfortunately, is not possible.

Is he somebody you could discuss this with?

This.

Your poor mum, loving you and your kids and you being with someone who openly hates her. I can't imagine how upsetting that must be, she must leave your place and want to burst into tears.

I could never be with someone who disliked my mum because she is a lovely person. If yours is too, which she sounds like, how can you bear for him to speak about her the way he does? It would make me feel so upset and angry I wouldn't be able to look at him, let alone stay in a relationship with him.

Even his own mum basically asked how you cope with him bullying you,

You're married to an arsehole.