AIBU to tell DH to stick it up his arse?

[CP24miles]

Background: DH doesn't like my mum (99.9% unreasonably). There's been a lot of tension between the two of them.

Me and DH have two DC of 2 and 7, we both work, him full time, me part time NHS.

The pandemic meant he wasn't working but I was, so childcare was all on him when I was at work. I say childcare, I mean looking after his own kids while I was at work.

Now he's creeping back into work, and I am sorting out next month's shifts for myself. There is one of my shifts that doesn't fall on his day off so I've suggested my mum looking after the DCs .

He immediately got funny and started saying he will use one of his annual leave days to get the day off so that my mum doesn't look after them. His reason: he doesn't want to come back home from work to a messy house. (Background to this, he likes things tidy and has mentioned a few times over the last few years that my mum has had them at our house and it's been "messy" when he came home - my mum PLAYS with the kids, she's very hands on, DCs love her, so yeh there might be some collateral mess from this but it's mainly toys and not much more than the kids produce daily anyway which we have to tidy up 😏)

Due to prior commitments he only has 2 days Annual leave to use and if he used one of those that could potentially mess us up further down the line.

AIBU to tell him to stop being such an ungrateful prick????

[Elieza]

He sounds like a controlling manipulative prick tbh. A lonely one too as he has no mates and only has you and the kids.

I think he’s jealous of others having a close relationship with his kids in case they love that person more than they love him.

So you said ‘we’ tidy up after the kids. Does that mean that you are doing the majority of it since you did the majority of childcare? ie he may have to do his fair share of tidying up if their gran watches them instead of you just automatically tidying up behind them?

Can you ask your mum to ensure the kids tidy up after playing? It’s a skill they need to learn and you can start now before she watches them so they know the basics and there’s not much for her/whomever to do.

[77kidsandcounting]

I couldnt be married to someone that hated my mum! What a horrible arse he is

[MichelleScarn]

I'm just thinking if a woman said she was using a day of leave to look after her own kids and her husband threw a strop and told her to "stick it up her arse" what the response here would be.
Is your husband 'overshadowed' by your extrovert mum at home? Does she take a strong parenting role and try to exclude or over rule him?

[Bluntness100]

Why are you still married to him? You clearly can’t stand him and have no respect for him at all. Even the way you want to talk to him, “tell him to stick it up his arse” tell him he’s an ungrateful prick”

If you feel like this then end it. Don’t stay and be abusive.

[Miop]

He has no friends.

What a shock.

[greenlynx]

It looks like your DC love to have fun with their grandma and enjoy being with her and your DH is just jealous. Also when they are playing in your house they do what they want and not following your DH’s rules. Yes, it’s his house and DC are 50% his but he does sound a bit too controlling.

[orangejuicer]

@CP24miles

This isn't just me saying "why do you hate my mum"

He openly admits that he hates her.

Reason alone to LTB sorry.

[Homemadearmy]

Do you think he may have autism op?
Or has he just got more introverted over time. Did he ever have friends etc?

[thatsgotit]

@Bluntness100

Why are you still married to him? You clearly can’t stand him and have no respect for him at all. Even the way you want to talk to him, “tell him to stick it up his arse” tell him he’s an ungrateful prick”

If you feel like this then end it. Don’t stay and be abusive.

Abusive??!! Come off it. The OP's DH is behaving like a complete bellend. The OP is justifiably frustrated.

[Bluntness100]

Op you’ve random people piling in to hurl abuse at him now. Adding to the abuse you want to hurl at him.

Honestly whe you’re relationship is this awful, you need to make moves to end it. Not plan to go on yout hols together

Why are you still with someone you hate so much?

[Bluntness100]

Abusive??!! Come off it.

Of course it’s abusive to call someone a prick or tell them to shove something up their arse. Doesn’t mean she’s not justified. The real question is why she’s with someone she absolutely hates this much.

[MizzyFizz]

@CP24miles

Eldest DD often says when DH is not around that "we can be loud now" /"put music on"

For a start, that made me shudder.

This is not about your mother, this is about you.
He is using being nasty about your family and friends to get at you, isolate you and control you. He has you acting on his every whim, giving magazines back because he doesn't approve, for fuck sake mate.

Sounds like your kids, especially your eldest, are starting to follow suit.

He is a bully not an introvert.

[Tal45]

Sounds like he hates everyone - even his poor kids are walking on eggshells around him knowing they're not allowed to make any noise. That is really no life and borderline abusive.

Your mum sounds wonderful, I'm a complete introvert - but I still really like people who are lovely and I bet she's a fantastic gran. I bet the kids prefer her to him he sounds like a total misery. I can't believe she helps you out by looking after the kids for you and he moans that she's left toys out. What redeeming features does he have exactly??

[Bul21ia]

He sounds like a nightmare OP. You have been a push over for some time it seems OP.

What is he like with his own family and friends?

[RandomMess]

He has no friends at all?

It does sound like he is very controlling and wants things very much his way only judging from the comments from your DC.

It sounds exhausting pandering to his demands.

[Commonwasher]

He sounds controlling, and a bully.

I think telling him to stick it up his arse is about right. His own Mum finds his attitude objectionable. If he wants to live in a Spartan, clinical show home, let him live on his own.

[MichelleScarn]

@Bluntness100

Op you’ve random people piling in to hurl abuse at him now. Adding to the abuse you want to hurl at him.

Honestly whe you’re relationship is this awful, you need to make moves to end it. Not plan to go on yout hols together

Why are you still with someone you hate so much?

Agree, op so you hate him, the kids don't like being around him, he has no friends... why would you want to go on a holiday that prompted the 'shove it up his arse' post with such a dastardly man, never mind continue living with him?

[FinallyFluid]

I wouldn't bother going away, save your AL for when you ask him to move out.

I use the following very sparingly on here and generally in jest.

But


LTB

[ThePluckOfTheCoward]

He sounds a miserable git and also really nasty and controlling. I couldn't live like this. I'd sack him off but keep up your friendship with his lovely mum and then you can have your own lovely mum and your DMIL over as much as you like. Your kids shouldn't have to tiptoe around him or forgo a positive relationship with their DGM because of his personality issues.

[Moonwhite]

His own children understand that they can only have fun when their Dad has left the house. His own mother wants to tell him to fuck off. He has no friends.

Are you doing some extreme charity work here or what?! Life's too short.

[AliceMcK]

@CP24miles it’s not unusual for introverts not to have a lot of friends, or any. My DH is like this, it use to worry me until his sister told me he’s always been like this, never needed friends or close friendships at least. I have to force him to socialise with others. But that dosnt make him difficult to be around, in fact my family tend to like my DH more than me haha

My DH will happily stay home with us as a family never having a social life. If there is a social even he will happily tell me to go and he will watch the DCs. If it is an important family event, e.g my uncles 70th just after my Dad passed, my dad and uncle were very close, my DH wanted to come along for both me and my Uncle. He would never be rude to others because he prefers his own company, he still understand social etiquette and expectations. He recently had to go away with work and was staying a short distance from some of my relatives, my whole family are loud extroverts, they insisted he go over for a home cooked meal and so he wasn’t on his own the whole time (he was loving being in his own) but he did it as 1 he likes one of them, probably the closest thing to an introvert in my family and 2 it was my family and he’d never be rude to them because he knows how much they mean to me.

I honestly think this is far more than him being an introvert.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

OP I'm afraid it sounds like you're married to an absolute cunt. Sorry.

[1forAll74]

What kind of Husband is this, and his hatred of a bit of childhood mess, the children are not like a group of chimps, swinging off the curtain rails, or like a herd of elephants,trumpeting, and doing big poos all over the place. And his hatred of your Mum, is truly disgusting. He does not deserve any nice people in his life.

[waitingforthenextseason]

I honestly couldn't live like this, with a partner who had zero friends, hated everybody, and prioritizes what he wants over what you, your children and your family needs as a whole.

I'd tell him to grow the hell up or get to fuck, frankly. Sounds like his own mother would support your decision.

[TheRavenNevermore]

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

OP I'm afraid it sounds like you're married to an absolute cunt. Sorry.

Absolutely this. Just reading about him has given me a headache. Why would you stay with such a joyless controlling misery? Please - go on - tell me why?