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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

261 replies

Noideawhatimdoing12 · 07/05/2021 12:31

I need wise advice mumsnetters and I'm secretly hoping you tell me exactly what choice to make (although I know it that's not how it works unfortunately).

So I have 2 lovely dd 11 and 8 and they are the best of friends (99% of the time). But me and dh love the idea of a 3rd child.

I'm 33 and he is 40, we come from small families. Dh is an only child and I have one sister who is my best friend but she doesn't have or want any children. I've loved being a parent and having a family and I saw a big busy family as I got older. So...

Are the age gaps to big?

I'm so worried that my dd11, who loves the idea of a big family will love a baby, but my dd8 will not cope with her big sister choosing a baby over her and feel rejected (she's more sensitive and a bit needy and hates the idea of another sibling).
She will be the poor middle child. Is this a silly reason?

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

What if I ruin such a lovely comfortable life? For all of us.

But....
What if its lovely, and busy, and everyone gets on, and it makes my dd8 confident and capable.

I'm driving myself crazy...
Anyone any words of wisdom or experiences of 3rd babies with age gaps or regrets?

OP posts:
Isittimenow · 08/05/2021 18:06

@Noideawhatimdoing12 are you me?!

I had to check to make sure this wasn’t a thread I’d posted!

Having the same debate atm and it’s so hard. On one hand, better the devil you know ... then I realise I wish I had another sibling so maybe we should! Argh!!!

Going back to paying for toddler stage childcare though Sad

like7 · 08/05/2021 18:16

Having had 3 teenagers I would say they need you there/available more than lots of people think. Yes, they are more independent but being able to chat when they bring something up is important. Its harder if you're off at school runs, swimming lessons, playmate with a 3rd. We know lots with mental health issues, anorexia, drugs etc etc. Also know of 2 families with special needs 3rd time and the number of meetings etc on top of meeting additional needs can be very draining. Do you have plenty of support if you needed it, if problems arise?

lucybluebella26 · 08/05/2021 18:25

I have 3, an 18 year old, a 10 year old and a 10 month old. People think I'm crazy for the age gaps but it's just the way my life has worked out. In a way it's been easier because everytime a new baby came along, the older child/ren were pretty self sufficient and could understand that the new one would need a lot of attention.
Its ultimately yours and DH decision at the end of the day, as long as you keep the older 2 involved these things usually work themselves out.

ThoseWhoDance · 08/05/2021 18:33

I had the same internal struggle when deciding whether to go for number 3, but I can honestly say that going for it and adding DD2 to my other two was the best thing ever. I cannot imagine our lives without our extra blessingSmile. She is a teen now and has enriched all our lives unimaginably.

Butterflyfox · 08/05/2021 18:52

I also think you could have a think about 4. 3 is a complicated dynamic but if you love being a mother and having a big family go for it. Somehow two and two makes more sense than the almost only child stuck at the end..

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/05/2021 18:54

I did that. Dd1 was 12 and Dd2 was 10.
If I am absolutely honest;
If I had any idea how hard it would be to deal with teens and a toddler I'd have thought more.
Dd2 loved her but struggled with being misplaced by her arrival.
And here we are, 2 oldest are well in their 20s and youngest is 13 so still stuck with school hols etc.
Looking at it another way, she is the adored pet of the family.

Youmakemewannashout · 08/05/2021 19:00

If you’ve already thought this through yourself then everyone else’s opinions will only confuse you more. No one can tell you what to do as every family is unique and will deal with a new baby ( or lack of one) in their own way. Whatever you do choose to do will be the right decision for you and your family and this can’t be made by others who aren’t living your life. Good Luck!

AntiHop · 08/05/2021 19:04

Can you afford to have another child?

Docsmix · 08/05/2021 19:15

I'd get a puppy instead

Ttbhappy · 08/05/2021 19:22

Imagine in 20 years do you have 2 or 3 of your kids coming round for dinner...

Keepitonthedownlow · 08/05/2021 19:22

I think 4 would be a good proposition, or a puppy.

Hadsuchahardday · 08/05/2021 19:35

My brothers are 9 and 7 years older than me. I definitely felt like an only child growing up. By the time I was 10 they had both left home and I have only vague memories of the years before that when they were at home.

zingally · 08/05/2021 19:40

On balance, I think I'd err on the side of "no".

Your 11 and 8 year olds, who will easily been 12/9, if not older, when a new baby arrives, will soon be getting to the age of wanting to do more "grown up" family things. Things like theme parks, theatre trips, city breaks etc. They won't be half as easy when you've got a toddler in tow...
And it's all just silly thinks like having to buy ALL the baby stuff all over again, getting a bigger car, extra tickets for entry to things, larger more expensive hotel rooms. And going back to the baby stage is a big shock from the world of pre-teens! You're also essentially setting back your own independence another decade at least...

DC3 will also have a bit of an "only child" existence, especially in their teens. By the time they are school age, DC1 will be practically out in the world on her own by then. And DC2 won't be far behind.
You won't have many years of the busy "3 loving siblings all living together" that you might be anticipating...

But all that being said, if it's what you and DH want to do... Go for it!!

lioncitygirl · 08/05/2021 19:45

14 years between my brother and sister - i am middle child, we all get on very well, and ive never ever felt like 'the odd' one out. I have 2 and will only ever have two (financial reasons) and my brother has 3. My sister wants 3. It sounds like you want 3. Maybe a chat with the two children together, and separately, to see how they feel might be the way to go OP?

OnlyToWin · 08/05/2021 19:46

The thought of going through the exam years with a four year old also needing my attention would put me off!! I do understand your desire for a third, but teenaged children need as much input as toddlers at times and they don’t go to bed!! You might find you feel stretched a little thin.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

fizzycokezero · 08/05/2021 20:08

I have more of an age gap but it's the best thing I ever did. For everyone.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/05/2021 20:10

I would not, in your position. I think the period you're in now is the sweet spot, while the dc are young enough for you to manage their lives but not so young they are demanding and require 24/7 supervision. It'll change again in the teen years and you will increasingly get your freedom back, at the same time, you may need / want to provide financially for your dc as they become adults and study and /or leave home. I personally think this would be so tough balancing your time / energy / money with a younger child who would need you in different ways.

The demands would be too great for me and DH, but of course I can't speak for you and your family. You may have found parenthood a lot easier than I have.
I have two dd 7 and 9, and I can't imagine being able to give a third the time and money I give them, so I wouldn't consider it.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/05/2021 20:13

I did. I had a boy of 10 and a girl of 8, then had another one - a boy so I had eldest, youngest and only girl - no middle child. But I felt so guilty as my first two had grown up together and DS was sort of ‘alone’ so I had another 2 years later.
They are now 23,21, 13 and 11.
Best decision, I’ve loved every minute and I was A LOT older that you by the time had DC4.
Who knows - maybe you’ll get lucky and have twins.

godmum56 · 08/05/2021 20:19

why are you discussing it here and not with DH?

Longtime · 08/05/2021 20:19

I guess I'm coming late to the party here but I had a third when my boys were 8 and a quarter and 10 and a half . I was concerned that having had my boys fairly young, with the intention of still being young enough to have a lot of fun when they were independent, that I was going to ruin all that. Of course this is only my personal experience (and that's the problem with asking a question like this as a lot of this will be personal experience) but having my third has been wonderful. She has always been a delight (except for being a rubbish sleeper when she was young) and I have never regretted it. She is already coming up 22 so actually we have still been young enough to have time for ourselves. When she was little, the boys absolutely adored her and they were always happy to babysit her when they got older. Not one member of the family has suffered from having a third, quite the opposite.

I was also concerned that this would drag our family responsibilities out for too long but the time has flown and I'm quite sad that they have all flown the nest!

TA365 · 08/05/2021 20:23

Will another baby change the family dynamic? Yes, but no more so than if your children were younger.

When my youngest sister was born, I was 12, my eldest sister 9 and my brother just shy of 17. My brother has a very similar relationship with all three of us girls, the age gap never really made much difference to him, but he was already working a lot by the time babysis was born and left home when she was about 18months old.
For me, I love both my sister's to death but my relationships with them are very different. With lilsis we are the stereotypical squabbling sisters but very close underneath the arguments. With babysis I tread the line between parent and sibling a lot, I don't think that's just down to the age gap, other circumstances in the family when babysis came along lead to me stepping up and being very hands on.
Lilsis was very excited to not be the youngest anymore when mum was pregnant, but she did seem to struggle to adapt to not being the baby anymore, there were no real issues though, she rebelled against being asked to help out with babysis at times and hated it when mum pointed out that me and brother did the same for her, but in the end she was just adjusting to a new member of the family, the same as brother did when I came along, and I did when she came along, it's just that she expressed it differently as a preteen than we did as toddlers.
I have a few friends who have a large age gap between them and younger siblings too, they seem to have good relationships.

As for the youngest effectively being an only child when the others move on, that isn't such a big deal as you might think. Babysis seems to have the best of both worlds. She's got the love and support of three siblings who will be there for her no matter what, but she doesn't have them stealing her clothes, bugging her when she wants to be alone, telling her to go away when they want to be alone or generally being irritating siblings 24/7. She doesn't have to share mum's attention with siblings now that she's the only one at home, she gets spoiled because her siblings have jobs and can afford to buy her things, when she was little she got to go out to the park and such more often because me or brother could take her if parents couldn't. She seems to have the best deal.

If you decide to have a third child, your older two will adapt. Sure there maybe teething issues but everyone will find their new role, every older sibling was once the baby, your youngest has been the baby for 8 years, she doesn't know how that changing will look, it's understandable that she may not want that to change, but a younger sibling isn't going to ruin her life. Hey when(if) baby comes along it may be her that dotes on him/her and your eldest who can't deal with a baby crying while she's trying to do her homework.

What it comes down to, is whether you want another baby, feel you can cope with two teenagers and a toddler at once and are going to be able to consider all sides before you decide how much responsibility you will expect older ones to pick up to help out with the little one.

Good luck!

Sweetcheeks21 · 08/05/2021 21:06

I have 3, albeit with a smaller age gap and when we were deliberating over a third some wise person told me you will never regret having children, only those (children) you don’t have. We are so happy as a family of 5 and I would always have regretted not having our third.

numberoneson · 08/05/2021 21:12

I'd say no, just because I don't believe this world is going in the direction of being a place anyone will want to live in, in a very short space of time.

Popcornbetty · 08/05/2021 21:14

‘I have 3, albeit with a smaller age gap and when we were deliberating over a third some wise person told me you will never regret having children, only those (children) you don’t have.’

I don’t agree that the above saying is necessarily true for everybody. I would go as far as saying although very controversial that some people do regret having their children. There have been multiple threads on MN regarding people regretting it aswell which is very sad.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/05/2021 21:17

I've just had my third ( not planned) I have 2 ds's 7 and 12. They absolutely adore her. She has completed our family like I always knew a third child would. We decided to stop at 2 for many different reasons, but even after a horrendous pregnancy and not great birth it was all worth it.
My second was a very needy child aswell.

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